Apparent Lack of care shown

I think it is really mean and thoughtless for adult children not to even ask after a parents' health, and I don't subscribe to the "it upsets them too much" school of thought.

Some situation with my husband's Parkinson's and psychosis I mfesure son nd fighter were kept up to date with WhatsApp nd yet message I was determined they could never say to me that they didn't know It was extremely hurtful for us both I'd have been even more upset if I was their parent and not just their stepmum

You should just give her small, quick updates but not expect her to give a response. Some people just cannot cope with illness, especially if the prognosis is not good. I am sure I have stated that DH died of prostate cancer. My DD died of Triple negative breast cancer 3 years before. As there was no history in family of either types of cancer I trawled the internet to research especially Triple Negative. I found that there is a link between prostate and T3. I never had the courage to tell my DH the findings. My DS though do know, one having a daughter and obviously are aware of their risk. My DD was 45 when diagnosed, not old enough for breast scans but had I known of possible risks I would have been advocating she have scans, private or otherwise. Albeit very hard on you, your DD needs support too.

Thank G I don’t have cancer, I’m alone, I have multiple health issues. I used to live in France, have 3 daughters, got divorced came back to uk with youngest. Who is now 40 - my middle daughter never calls or contacts me!
I also feel hurt. I try to reach out but nothing. I haven’t been to her house in France since before Covid. Never invited.
Yes it hurts. I don’t even want her crocodile tears when I die. Don’t know what to do- would just love a hug

I had similar a few years ago with my DD, and to be honest in many cases I do think it is a form of fear that our parents are not immortal and their way of dealing with it . I found my daughter's manner very upsetting and hurtful but I do know deep down inside she was devastated by it all .
When my mother was first unwell I can remember the same feelings of anger and panic. Maybe a WhatsApp group as others have suggested could help op. Always worth a try. May be a silly question but have you tried explaining to her that her apparent lack of concern is hurtful?
💐 for you at this difficult time.

Feelings are not selected. I assume that the OP here is not estranged or low contact already with her children.

When your offspring have already gone low/no contact from incidents in the past they are not going to suddenly arise and call you blessed just because you have become ill.

Just speaking of my own experience of having a busy full on job involving international travel when parents with whom you already have limited contact pile on the guilt for something else.

Thank heavens there were no smart phones in the 1990s.

If we all put our heads in the sand and just ignored family with a very ill member then it’s not fair on the others.

i’ve heard it many times “X just can’t cope with his Mum so ill” or “Y doesn’t like seeing his Dad like that”.

Many of us have been in the position of being left as sole carer because others can’t “bear it”. As OP says it IS hurtful.

She may think that the topic is upsetting for you and your husband or she may feel like bringing it up turns the conversation really negative and may want to try to keep the mood positive for your husband. I have a family member with the same thing and we try not to talk about it and instead create happy memories with him.

Family dinamics can become very complex in situations like this , everyone trying to protect each other. AC often find it difficult to accept a serious illness in a parent. All I agree with Violet Sky , speak to your DD be honest with her about her father's diognosis and remember if you tell her you are fine and managing she will believe you because that is what she wants to hear. 💐

I think the only way to move forward is to talk to her really. There could be so many different reasons for her lack of asking about her dad. So say that you have noticed that she tends not to ask how he is and you are wondering why. Not in an accusatory or angry way; just a gentle enquiry...then see where it goes and encourage her to open up. You can talk about how you feel too in the conversation if you think that it is appropriate, depending on her answers.

She could be struggling herself and trying not to let you see

She could be thinking you don't want to talk about it

She could be trying to keep things light and normal for your sake

Why don't you just ask her?

I’m also not saying the op is forcing anyone etc I was just clarifying what I meant; which is that it’s likely just how her daughter is coping right now and it’s best to respect all of ur rights to do that as works best for us

flappergirl

Of course it's hurtful and whether it's her coping mechanism or not, I don't think it would do her any harm to be told. Obviously you don't want to start an enormous row, but my mother would have said something like "aren't you going to ask how your dad is".

It's all very well her having a coping mechanism (if that is indeed what it is) but that totally disregards your sensibilities which is selfish.

It’s perfectly fine to ask how if they’d like to know how dads doing ? Etc. I was simply saying that I wouldn’t force into a WhatsApp type thing if they’d expressing or showing they don’t want to know the day to day details yet. It may be too much for them at that time. But maybe that’s just me - I wouldn’t want to force anyone into something they weren’t ready to deal with

Sometimes it's the other way round: I phoned my Mum at home for a normal routine chat one evening many years ago, and Dad told me she was in hospital for an operation.
That was the first I'd heard she'd got that particular medical issue!
Their reasoning was that there was nothing I could have done and they hadn't liked to worry me 🤷

Grams2five

I doubt she doesn’t care. It’s likely just a defense mechanism as she tries to process her own grief at the diagnosis. If she otherwise engages I wouldn’t take it personally or try to force information about it on her. While I’m sure some support from her would feel good we have to accept that sometimes our ac aren’t the support we need or that they’re able to give. Some people are fully engage and face it head on , take charge people and others need to disassociate somewhat to manage their own emotions. Neither is wrong just different

I agree.

Everyone processes in their own way and not everyone wants to talk on and on. I'd never assume poorly. I'm quiet, taught our children same, and would think they were just pondering alone.

Eg: I answered a post, today. Later thought after "how in the world do I know anything that personal, why was I told?"

Privacy and managing one's own emotions - well done.

Of course it's hurtful and whether it's her coping mechanism or not, I don't think it would do her any harm to be told. Obviously you don't want to start an enormous row, but my mother would have said something like "aren't you going to ask how your dad is".

It's all very well her having a coping mechanism (if that is indeed what it is) but that totally disregards your sensibilities which is selfish.

I doubt she doesn’t care. It’s likely just a defense mechanism as she tries to process her own grief at the diagnosis. If she otherwise engages I wouldn’t take it personally or try to force information about it on her. While I’m sure some support from her would feel good we have to accept that sometimes our ac aren’t the support we need or that they’re able to give. Some people are fully engage and face it head on , take charge people and others need to disassociate somewhat to manage their own emotions. Neither is wrong just different

I think OP that if this is so concerning for you, then say something to her.Discuss your own worry about your DH and his health and see what she says? She may think you don’t want to be reminded about it, it’s unlikely she doesn’t actually care.

It may be her way of dealing with it and trying to process her fathers illness. Many AC think we’re invincible and will always be there and it’s hard for them to get their heads around illness.
Also many of us say we’re fine and don’t tell our kids the truth.
Is she like this normally and shows no interest or is it since your DH became ill?

It took our DD several years to accept her father’s Parkinson’s, and only in his final months did she acknowledge how ill he was. She has always avoided the unpleasant so this was just her way of handling a frightening and depressing reality. DS, like me, prefers to face things head on and was a great support. We just have to accept that our children won’t necessarily react like us.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer my DD dropped everything, was there for my op nd came to chemo with me. My DS still cannot talk about it as it scares him.

DH always told the DDs he was better than he was (except when he obviously wasn’t) so the WhatsApp group came in handy to keep them properly informed.

That’s so true, Norah.

Perhaps, because parents say "I'm fine" -- she believes that? We never tell our children much of the full truth until things are over.

Germanshepherdsmum

You’ve put it so much better than I did Marydoll and BlueBelle. If I don’t mention it, it’s not real.

I know, because I have been there with my own children. It isn't that they don't care, they are afraid of the future.

DH has a WhatsApp with them, to keep them up to date if I am in hospital. I then WhatApp them myself and give the correct version.