Daughter in law selfishness

Smileless2012

My comment about being judgemental and critical of the OP was to SingcoTime Cossy.

I agree that "too often what children say is dismissed" Callistemon.

Thank you and I wouldn’t ever “dismiss”, I would investigate further and seek some evidence. I’d never ever ignore even a young child’s concerns.

MissAdventure

I presume that if the op said her son told her that..... anything at all, she would be advised to mind her own business, not go interfere etc.

Do "we" need the son to come online to confirm any of this in person?

No of course “we” don’t, but unless I’ve missed it, OP hasn’t mentioned his concerns.

On reflection the whole situation just seems very sad for the children and their family which is now splintered, which I guess is what’s happens to all divorced families.

Yes, you're right.
Perhaps she may do, when she has stopped fighting people who are criticising her for being worried, and her son for not having full custody.

Thats all the first few pages were, but I do hope she will answer those who have asked what her sons views are.

Maybe he doesn't see it as a problem?

MissAdventure

I presume that if the op said her son told her that..... anything at all, she would be advised to mind her own business, not go interfere etc.

Do "we" need the son to come online to confirm any of this in person?

One way or another nothing "we" say changes the reality of the situation--whatever it may truly be. The only people who have any say or power are the parents. The OP can be as concerned as she likes, her darling boy is the one who clearly isn't doing anything about the "situation".

Somehow I doubt a man whose mother overpraises him for simply doing what parents do every day is going to go to the courts and fight hard to get right of refusal.

If I truly thought my grandchildren were at risk, and my son was simply moaning to me about it rather than acting, my shame and disgust would be directed more at him than anyone else. I'd take my concerns to the authorities and let my son know what I thought of his lack of concern for my grandchildren's safety. I'd never want I child I raised to think complaining abut his ex is the extent of how much he'd fight for his children...if there was true concern. But hey, we're all different.

I wish there was an edit button for typos ((aargh))

Phillips

Again thank you everyone for your feedback some of it has upset me but I’ll get over it. My relationship with my DIL is mutual and polite I’m not nosy I never question my GC. And I can assure you all my son is not the be all in my life my grandchildren are. I have had those children from babies. I just needed some reassurance and I wasn’t being paranoid. I might be wrong but all I think is the GCs wants and needs should take priority over the mothers social life.

And what about the father's? Does he have the children 50% of the time? Is he concerned enough? If not, why is this okay with you? If he is, what step is he taking to seek right of refusal or to gain more time with his children? You seem to be very opinionated on your DIL and say little to nothing about your own son. It's very evident that you hold him to lower standards because you base your ideas on what your DIL should be doing on your ideal of a mother--yourself. Careful holding one's self to the standard by which all parent. It's a slippery slope.

If your son is concerned about his children, rather than obsessing over your DIL, pull him up on his inaction. Moaning about his ex and not going above and beyond for his children's safety is not admirable at all.

Oh, so you would go to the authorities?
I'm glad people are taking the potential harm to the children seriously.

It's far more sensible than telling her its her daughter in laws choice and to mind her own business.

Do not intentionally misrepresent my words. There are others interested in such games...

I would never go to the authorities without very clear belief that there was actual danger. Gossip doesn't count. And if a father is moaning about safety without action, it's just that. Gossip from an unhappy ex. Based on all the OP has posted, this is bitter speculation from the ex and his mum.

For goodness sake, this is really getting just a bit out of hand.

These children’s FATHER should speak with his ex wife AND BF together and directly voice any concerns in a calm and direct manner. If he still feels concerned he should take his children to one side and very gently speak to them to ascertain whether they are in any way frightened, scared or nervous about BF and if they like him. Then, if he still has concerns he should tell his ex he’s not happy to leave BF in sole care and if she continues to do this he will notify both the police and child services!

All of the above Cossy! Your post is really the bottom line of it all.

There is nothing there I'd disagree with.

When my ex dil went off with someone else she used to do the same. My son had to fight her through court because the bf wanted him out picture she then married him. Always messing my son around unfortunately not a lot you can say or do. My ex dil as since divorce this man and all his calm for now. My son would always say he would have his daughter. Your ex dil can do whatever she likes and all you can do is sit on your hands and grin and bear her unless you don’t want to stop seeing your grandkids divorce brings out the nasty sides in ppl

It's exactly that

If we have genuine concerns we report them

If we do not it is simply gossip and imagine how we woul feel should that sort of gossip be spoken about ourselves or our male relatives

There is nothing wrong with feeling uneasy, and its hardly something to report.
They doesn't mean the feelings or concern isn't valid.

Feelings of concern are valid, all feelings are valid but we also have responsibility to ensure they are fair... If we believe them fair those feelings are actionable...

This is why it is important to have such a discussion

I don't believe they're actionable, though, unless there is evidence.
That still doesnt mean that someone can't feel uneasy.

As I've said, if you met my ex, you may well feel slightly uneasy about leaving children with him.

Has he ever done anything?
Nope.
Is there actually anyone better to take care of children?
Very few, I'd say.
He is totally and utterly above board, but anyone in their right mind wouldnt choose him as their first choice as a Mary Poppins type.

No they are, you can report concerns at any time...

Unless it is just the normal concern women have at almost any time due to experience or the reality of the unsafe world we live in, in which case we educate ourselves and our children ..

OP needs to talk to the Dad here to ensure that

Oh, I should have phoned social services or the police and complained that a strange man kept wanting to take my daughter to see father christmas.
I see.

Sorry, totally lost me there

It's ok.
I'm lost myself, today.

If you happen to find me, please send me back to wherever it is I come from.

No worries MissA, if I can just find my glasses....

does your son’s new partner take care of the kids during?

I think it is very strange that this man is looking after kids. Speak to you grandchildren about personal space and personal safety. Let them know that you are a safe person whom they can confide if they ever feel unsafe. Explain what unsafe means. Don't try to steer them just let them know, separately, that they can trust you to help them if they ever need help and that you can hear anything even the most embarrassing thing and still love them. Also, tell them that they can always tell a teacher if anyone mistreats them.