DIL Pushing Me Away

Your daughter in law has tried to arrange flights for you to visit via her brother! She has given you money to help you out for the rest of the year! IMO she's gone above and beyond especially considering your actions.
You are grieving but so is she. She's lost her husband and the father of her son and also presumably an extra income. Her whole life and that of her son has changed. She has to do what's best for her and her son and being with her own family is what she wants and needs right now. Hard though it is to bear you have no rights over your grandson and, if you carry on in this fashion, then it can only make any relationship with DIL and GS more difficult in the future.

This is the first thread I’ve actually read where all the posters of gransnet agree with each other

grannys123

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

None of the posters are cruel they are. being realistic. and honest. You had no right whatsoever to ask your bereaved DIL for money, not to be honest to accept the cheque from her for the rest of year, she has been extremely generous to you and you should be very, very grateful.
You don't like flying so you had better get used to flying if you wish to see your grandson, but to be honest if you carry on behaving like you are at present your lovely DFIL will definitely go no contact. Be careful is my advice to you. You are hurting I understand that, but you are also being totally out of order. I am sorry for your loss, I too have lost a son, so understand your grief, but this does not entitle you to set demands on another bereaved family member who is trying to hold it all together for your grandson. You sound extremely jealous of your DIL's family and the fact that they appear to be better off than you. That is none of your business whatsoever, just be happy your grandson will be well cared for, that is what should matter to you more than anything else. I hope when you have finished reading all the comments on here you will realise quite how badly you are behaving. Read your own last paragraph please. You write she is "upset". yet you are deeply bereaved. You are so in to your own feelings you appear to have no emphasis for anyone else.

Is this a wind up? I can't believe anyone would behave like the OP. It's like something out of thrGilmore Girls. There's a script in this. I am imagining doing this if I were in the same situation. My DDIL is wonderful and we have a great relationship. But I would no more ask her for money or to uproot and move in with me than fly to the moon. I know she would go to to be nearer to her mother, wouldn't expect it otherwise.

We're I to behave like O P I am sure I would be shut out of her and DGDs lives. Quite right too. She wouldn't need a mother in law like that especially ar such a tragic time.

So sorry to hear of your loss. You and your DIL are both devastated and when we are grieving we don't think clearly. I think you believe you are trying to help, but it does sound as if you are trying to control, and panicking about your grandson. Sadly, we have absolutely no control of our grandchildren, or for that matter our children, beyond a certain age, and we just have to learn to let go and build a life for ourselves. I understand this is all incredibly painful for you, but maybe you need to look outside your family for fulfilment. It is emotionally dangerous to become too dependent on grandchildren. I have learned that and although I have a full life anyway, I have detached more since there was a nasty falling out. Of course I adore my grandchildren, but I can live without them and I look elsewhere for meaning to my life. I hope you can do the same - and lots of love to you.

Yes, indeed, as AuntieTrouble and others say - you can repair this.
Write, apologise, start afresh.

Good luck.

So very hard for both you and your DIL to come to terms with and you are turning on each other through the overriding emotion of grief.
She has made her decision to leave her current home maybe because it holds too many memories and to be near her own family. Usually, a girl will choose her own family in times of crisis.
Sadly, I think you will have to let this one go and wait for the dust to settle.
She is choosing to start a new life in the way she feels is best for her and her son.

Let her make her own choices without any pressure. She is unlikely to change her mind. It will be hard but in time, hopefully the grief will ease a little and communication can resume without animosity.
Maybe pen a conciliatory letter where you can wish her well in her choice of new home and add an apology for the tension caused purely from grief.

This will hopefully bring you together in time.

I am so sorry for your loss and understand how you are feeling , however it is a sad fact the mother of a son is on thinner ground than mother of a daughter , it’s just a fact of life.
I do think you were cruel to ask for money she probably doesn’t have an idea of what on earth she is going to do and will still be sorting things out.
I would suggest you apologise and say you didn’t mean to yell and you were just frightened about the lack of money with your son dying , but with her giving you a lump sum you have time to plan , tell her your home is always there for her and your grandson and just let HER grieve and take some time for yourself to come to terms with everything that has happened .i hope you find some peace

A loss of a child is horrendous, my sympathies. But regardless of you saying you’re being supportive you aren’t, you’re being controlling.
Asking for some of your son’s insurance is way out of line. She’s given you enough money to cover the rest of what your son would have given you for the year. She was under no obligation to do so.
Her brother will fly you. You’ re afraid of flying then take a course or get medication from your doctor to help and fly to see your grandson.
DILhas lost her life partner and her son his dad. She needs her family right now. You are being overbearing at what is an awful time for all of you. Stop. Before you damage this relationship for good. Write to her, apologise for overstepping, say how afraid you are you will lose contact not just with your grandson but her too. Ask if you can FaceTime once a week to keep up with their news once they’ve moved. You can repair this if you take a deep breath and stop to think before you speak with her.

I’m sorry for your loss - but I understand why the insurance money is for her and her son.

She has to move on, doing what she feels best.

She’s just lost her partner, and I know, from experience, how that feels.

Take any pressure off and just be there.💐

grannys123

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

As was her right. Perhaps she wanted some small amount of privacy for herself and her son in the middle of such a devastating loss. Perhaps also dealing with your grief 24/7 in those early days of shock and horror were too much to bare. This is a strange and nit picky thing to get caught up on your loss was incredible but it seems to have blinded you to hers

I am sorry for your loss. It must be very hard.

But please stop trying to destroy your relationship with your dil and grandson.

The above comments speak volumes but I'll give my own experience here.
We lost my brother many years ago, His wife loved him very much but after his death all I heard about her was nasty remarks from my own family, including my mother.
Recently his widow died herself and I was shocked again at what nasty things some in my family said about her and why they would not attend her funeral.
They accused her of 'holding' on to my brother's possessions (some of which became legendary!) and I thought they were very unkind.
I did attend the funeral and was very moved by how well her family spoke about my late brother, how much she missed him, what an impact he had made on their lives etc. I felt ashamed of my family members that they had destroyed this woman's reputation unnecessarily.
Now her ashes will be interred with my brother's remains and I have no doubt remarks will be made about the gravestone, and flowers left etc.
Her son (by her previous marriage) has now contacted the family to say any of my brother's (legendary) possessions will now be handed back to my family as they are clearing the house.
I suppose I just wanted to say that my brother's widow was treated very unfairly by my own family (including my mother) and that all the nasty things I heard about her were completely untrue. She loved and missed my brother right until the end of her life, and now they are finally reunited again, I hope.
Some people should be ashamed of how they treat the people who loved their own flesh and blood. Reading this has made me feel very sad.

As flappergirl points out - American and British culture have the same roots - but perhaps you aren't "American/British"? I don't want to sound racist but you sound a bit East European in expecting the dil to leave her own clan and join totally with her husband's. The kind of society where the husband's family take the son's wife into their family/tribe and care for her totally when she is bereaved. Is this why you think she should live with you?
Then you've gone the next step and expected her to support you in your neediness.
I'm trying to understand your way of looking at the situation, and why you should think this girl should take care of your future finances, and that she should do this by moving into your home and joining your church.
If she moves back to be near her own parents - how far from you will she be?

As it is very rare for posters to agree on anything, perhaps heed the advice you've received? It seems you're playing a game of "entitled to what I want estrangement Bingo" a classic "you won't win" scenario.

How anyone could be as tone deaf as you asking DIL to split the life insurance is shocking.
That money is to make sure that the life of your grandson and Dil is at least financially comfortable.
Re her moving to near her family is also no surprise.
I'd be surprised if she is not blocking you on all ways.
Yes you are grandmother but whether you are a birth family or in-law you tread carefully.

Think if it had been Dil who had died would you be asking your son for half the insurance money.

is this a reversal, or something ??

Looks like both our advice and comments are falling on deaf ears.

I think maybe it’s far too early in your grieving to be rational. Take a deep breath and a step back and give both yourself and your poor DIL time to reset and sort out your new lives.

Your son and your DIL both sound like kind generous people, but there’s really no need for her to ever give you any money again, after all she’s lost a large proportion of her family income and has to make a new life for her and her son.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Your DIL is dealing not only with her own grief, but her son’s as well. She can’t take care of you on top of that. Your expectations aren’t her responsibility. She has to do what is best for her and her child.

She has been very kind, imo. Travelled to have a funeral to ensure he was laid to rest beside his father would’ve been a HUGE stress for her and her son. Giving you a lump sum for your expenses and notice well in advance that it won’t be continuing.

AND talked to her brother about flying you for free?!

Your DIL has done an incredible amount to try and make things work for you. That you’re mad she didn’t give MORE money is jaw dropping. That she isn’t uprooting her life even more to please you.

Have you ever heard the saying, “When nothing is good enough, nothing it shall be”? You’re setting yourself up for it.

While my heart goes out to you for losing your son you are coming across as very entitled and controlling I think it was lovely of your DIL to give you a lump sum , but as far as everything else your daughter in law has lost a husband and her son lost his daddy. And of course your DIL and her little boy come first surely you do t really expect any different. She’s trying to make a new life for her self and her little boy goodness knows that’s got to be difficult when grieving. This seems to be all about you and what you want.just think about what you are asking of this poor lady if you don’t calm down a bit with you’re expectations you could lose her and your grandson. It’s not about you

I too am very very sorry for the loss of your son I can’t imagine how bad you are feeling
But
The rest of your post is really pretty awful and unbelievable how can you expect your daughter in law to give you money and to stay with you and not her own family I am afraid your behaviour will send her even further away
I m finding this quite unbelievable to be honest

grannys123

I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

In regards to your DIL you are pushing her away with your behaviour

Whether that is unconscious on your part and this is your grief manifesting or whether you think the way you are behaving is right... You are pushing her away.

There are logical reasons why each thing you shared with us is entirely reasonable on her part.

Please take a step back and understand that both of you are grieving in entirely different ways and that this loss cannot dictate her future in any way. She has to move forward into the life of her choosing. You can be a supportive role in her putting her life back together or she will stop looking to you for anything.

Germanshepherdsmum

Oh dear. Your second post makes things even worse.

It’s not for you to say your daughter in law should stay where she is and decide what sort of house she will buy - she has the insurance money, she works and her parents are well off (which I think grates on you). You were receiving money from your son and your daughter in law has very generously given you a cheque for the rest of the year’s payments. She didn’t have to do that.

You say ‘I understand she’s upset’ - that’s a bit of an understatement for a woman who has been widowed. This seems to be all about what you want and I think the ‘she knows my circumstances’ comment underlines how upset you are about the payments coming to an end. Take up the very kind offer of flying - if you want to see your grandson you’ll get over your fear of flying.

Entirely agree. I am so sorry for your loss. Truly. But you are , in your grief perhaps, so wildly out of line. Your dil has been widowed. Of course in those early days of shock and loss she didn’t want to send her child away so you could get a visit. Of course sylhet needed to be together. Your grandson has lost his father. They 1000% deserve to do whatever it is she sees fit to move on with her life . Moving closer to her family makes perfect sense , selling the home she shared with your son? Perhaps livign there without him is too much a burden to bear. Perhaps she’s decided she and her child need a fresh new start. So move it is. ALL OF THIS is entirely her right . She didn’t need to consult you because these aren’t decisions you should have any say in. Asking her to split the life insurance ?’ I’m flabbergasted. Surely your son set her up ans the beneficiary so it would continue t support and help her and their child. And frankly she deserves a smile and a nod for continuing to speak to you, many would have stopped. how incredibly out of line. She wrote you a check for the monthly payment for the remainder of the year. Again how generous it shows her to be - she didn’t have to.

You need to stop centering yourself here as the primary focus and get your head straight. Perhaps it’s just the enormity of your loss that’s got you off cue. But your dil is being incredibly generous offering her brother to FLY you to visit - and often at that . Take that offer up. But recognize fully first that this iS HER life now as a single widowed mother. And that she has every right to do the things she’s done to begin to rebuild her life for herself and her child.

Why on earth would your daughter in law want to move in with you? American and British culture is very similar and multi generational homes (in laws, mil and grandchildren all under one roof) is usually considered highly undesirable and is often a recipe for disaster.

I have never in my life heard of someone asking to split life insurance. Is this a thing in the States? It would be considered outrageous in the UK.

Daughters gravitate towards their own mothers in times of sadness and distress. It is usually the natural order of things and there is nothing you can do about it.

You say her family are financially very well off so I don't think she needs to concern herself with cheaper house prices or a lower cost of living in your area. The way you say "she should stay where she is" sounds confrontational and controlling.

You turned up at her door unannounced. That was a bad move. Then you shouted at her. That was an even worse move.

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your son, I truly truly am. But you are driving your daughter in law further away with a series of over bearing and desperate actions.

It's very sad, and probably too early for you to feel up to much, but you have to go through this, alone.

There is no way past or around it, you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Your daughter in law has been very fair, I think - it isn't her job to shoulder responsibility for you.

I do hope you can start to feel a little bit better, at least, then you might realise that your wishes are unrealistic.

It's one of the hardest things, to realise that life, and people, have their own plans and aspirations.