DIL Pushing Me Away

Why on earth would the DIL share the life insurance money which was presumably designed to support the wife and son, not the mother? Very sad for poster’s losses but she does sound painfully needy and unaware of the feelings of anyone else.

Oh granny123 - how sad - my heart aches for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. However, I don’t see why she should split the payout from his Life Insurance , with you. She and the children are his dependents. Were you financially dependent on your son?
As for moving near to you, it’s a big ‘ask’. Let’s face it, she will want to be near her parents. We, mi.l.s will have to accept our secondary status. That’s a fact of life. My deepest condolences to you

Firstly, I’m so sorry about the loss of both your son and your husband. You’ve clearly lost two of the most important in your life and it’s hard.

BUT, I see no reason at all for your DIL to give you any insurance money nor why she’d ever consider moving in with you.

If this was me I’d write her a letter and explain how much you are missing your son and how much you love your grandchild and that you’d dearly love to put some arrangements in place to still maintain good contact and relationship.

Your poor DIL has lost her husband and father of her child. She will want to rebuild her life and maybe it’s just too painful for her to do so where she’s living now. Given time to grieve, both of you need to find a way to move forward and very sadly you need to accept that she might, in the future, meet someone else and even have more children.

I wish you both luck.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately although you say your daughter in law’s family and friends are overbearing, you seem to much more so. It was wrong to expect to take your grandson away from his mother while she was planning the funeral - he needed to be with her. It was wrong to ask for some of the insurance money (I really don’t know how you could even think of doing so - it’s for your son’s widow and child). It was wrong to expect her to move in with you. It was wrong to turn up at her house unannounced and to yell at her. I understand you’re grieving but you must let her rebuild her life as she thinks best for herself and her son. You need to apologise.

Op
Share insurance money with you? Out of line
Move with you? Are you out of your mind?

She is grieving her husband

Please give her space and let her adjust to her new life, she is not your crutch

Im sorry for your loss but you sound very controlling and needy! The insurance money is to provide a measure of financial security for the bereaved partner and any children. You DIL has her own family nearby and naturally turns to them for support.

My own grandmother learned that in a divided family the grandmother has no "rights" except what the parents choose to give her. If you keep pushing they may go no contact and you would have no recourse in law to prevent that.

Your DiL is doing what's best for her son and herself by moving nearer her own family. She will need all the insurance money to start a new life for herself. I'm not sure why you assumed she would move in with you when she has her own family.
I'm so sorry you are grieving but you have to let your DiL and grandson go. Don't make it difficult for her as she is grieving too and you want to maintain a relationship with her and your grandson.
Focus on yourself for now. Grief wreaks havoc on us and you need to give yourself time to settle and accept whatever choices your DiL makes.

Op, I'm sorry for yor loss but you are not being realistic. None of the women I know would want to move to a location seven hours away, and move in with their mother in law, in similar circumstances, particularly if they got on well with their own family.
Unfortunately you will have to accept that things have changed now.

If my MIL had asked for any of the life insurance after my husbands death then I doubt I would speak to her again.
Also why would she move in with you?
I think you have crossed many boundaries.

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

I think you need to calm down and apologise for yelling. You should never do that. We are skating on thin ice with some DILs. You need to calmly explain how much you care about your grandchild (and care about her, even if that isn't true). She cannot understand being a grandparent and the love we have for our grandchildren - how could she? - but somehow you need to get across how upset all this is making you feel. If she has a heart I am sure she will listen.

My sincere apologies for the loss of your husband and now your son .

I would write to her, apologise for yelling at her and telling her how important she and your GC are to you. You could suggest asking to meet up with her so she can tell you what her plans are including being able to stay in touch with her.

My advice is to not make this all about you and you seeing your GC. Your d.i.l. has been unexpectedly widowed, so if she knows you are there for her, I'm sure she'll be there for you too but on her terms.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure I understand why you expect dil to give you any of her life insurance money or move near to you? Those are very unrealistic wishes.

Perhaps you need to grieve and get on with your own life, sans dil? Dil can care for her son, her family will help her, she'll be fine.

Please do not make the mistake of making this all about you - your fear of flying is yours to address, not for her to move in with you

She has been more than accommodating to you - please thank her for her help or she may choose to protect herself and her child from harmful influences

Oh dear. Your second post makes things even worse.

It’s not for you to say your daughter in law should stay where she is and decide what sort of house she will buy - she has the insurance money, she works and her parents are well off (which I think grates on you). You were receiving money from your son and your daughter in law has very generously given you a cheque for the rest of the year’s payments. She didn’t have to do that.

You say ‘I understand she’s upset’ - that’s a bit of an understatement for a woman who has been widowed. This seems to be all about what you want and I think the ‘she knows my circumstances’ comment underlines how upset you are about the payments coming to an end. Take up the very kind offer of flying - if you want to see your grandson you’ll get over your fear of flying.

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

So sorry for the loss of your son granny123
Please think very hard about what you want for the future- it is entirely possible to have a loving long distance relationship with your grandson (as many on here do) Your DIL needs to prioritise a life for herself & your GS, she has sought the support of her family, which is natural. Wish her well and try to find a way to come to terms with it all. Such a very sad time for you all x

Did you ever hear the saying

Your son is your son till he gets him a wife,
But your daughter's your daughter the rest of your life.

I'm so sorry for you, its a terrible thing to have your child die before you, not the natural way of things, but the poor girl has to deal with her own grief and that of her little boy who has lost his dad. You can't expect her to comfort you as well.
The replies on this page are very cruel, but if you take a step back from your own suffering and think of hers you will realise you are being cruel to pile your own grief and neediness onto her, she needs comforting and its natural she will turn to her own family.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, so tragic after losing your husband too grannys123

However, I am rather confused, you say they live 7 hours away from you (drive or flight ?) but you wanted your grandson to stay with you while your DIL made the funeral arrangements (and fully included you).
And of course her own family wanted to be with her, poor young woman had lost her husband, a little boy had lost his Daddy at a young age. They have a huge change in their lives to cope with. .

No, the insurance money is for your daughter-in-law and grandson, some security for their future. I am surprised you even suggested that she share it with you.

There was a similar thread a little while ago, if I could remember what it was called, some of the answers might help you.

You cannot expect your DIL to help fund you. She was generous to give you a lump sum!

If you are so frightened of flying that you won't go to see them, how about taking a desensitisation course to overcome that? If you really want to see your DGS you will have to make an effort too.

You are at risk of alienating your DIL at a time when you have both suffered a loss and that is not a good idea.

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

Gummie

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

This, sorry about the loss of your son, but I am shocked by the rest of your posts. You sound very entitled.

I am very sorry for the death of your dear son. What a terrible thing to live through as others on this site know.

...But your daughter-in-law has had a terrible bereavement too and has a little one to protect and care for.
Given that she is going to move house to somewhere that will suit them better she has offered to help you out with flights - so really, if I was you, I think I would face my fears and do a course with one of the airlines so that you can get over it and continue to see your grandchild.

I know you say how alone you are now but see that you suggested she went to church with you... maybe you can get some support from your congregation there? I do hope so.

Please don't make your daughter-in-law's life harder by being aggressive and hostile in your pain.
Thinking of you.
💐

You could move closer to her new home