DIL Pushing Me Away

How very sad. I am sorry your son has died.
But I think you maybe did the wrong thing in your request for a share of the insurance payout and to have them move in with you.
You need to support in the way she needs and wishes. Back her up, tell her you will support her in her decisions. She must do what us best for her.
Then, aside from that, you need to work out how you are going to continue a relationship with your grandson. It is clear she is willing to facilitate this so go with her offers. And show your gratitude for them.
Anything else will result in you completely losing contact with your GS.
Take a deep breath and start again.

I think this OP is in the States.. and maybe they look at financial insurance differently.. but I think she has lost her DIL by her lack of empathy...

It sounds as though the dil is not only unbelievably generous, she has the patience of a saint.

Gummie

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

I think that bridge was burnt a long time ago. If I was the daughter in law 7 hrs away would be too close.

I’m sorry you have lost your son, no parent should outlive their child. But your DIL and her child are also bereaved, and they too have to face a long future without him.

It’s astonishing that you asked her to share his life assurance with you. It’s to help support the bereaved spouse and child, not the parent of the deceased adult. Your DIL is entirely able to make her own choices as she navigates a future without her husband, it’s not your place to push her into joining your church (and at a time like this, any religion is possibly the very last thing she wants rammed at her - and if it is of comfort, she will seek it herself). You are trying to exercise control when it’s absolutely not up to you to manage her choices. Be kind and stay friendly, but look at your own behaviour and perhaps you’ll see why she is putting barriers up.

Wow, some of you are cruel.

🤔

I hope this isn't another one of those threads.

grannys123

Wow, some of you are cruel. I was not trying to be controlling, rather supportive and to let her know I am here if she needs me. I cant lose my grandson too. I agree I was wrong to yell at her, but I couldn’t believe she wouldn’t tell me she was selling their house! For context, She should stay where they are, if she moves back home they will have a smaller house and smaller yard for my grandson, it’s a lower cost of living where they are now and my grandson is happy there. DIL also asked her brother who is a pilot to fly me monthly to them but I am terrified of flying and can’t afford a 10 hour drive + hotels to see him. I feel it’s just a cruel, empty offer she knows I won’t take. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to ask her to move in since she knows my circumstances and her family can probably afford it since they do it now anyways.

To answer some questions::

-yes my son was helping me with some monthly expenses. DIL wrote me a check for the rest of the year and told me there was no more after that

I understand she’s upset but I can’t help but feel she is taking it out on my relationship with my grandson.

No one here is deliberately or even knowingly cruel. We’ve all empathised with your terrible loss, but your expectations of your DIL are way way over the top.

I truly hope you find peace.

I’m truly appalled at your expectations and attitude towards your DIL.

You are BOTH grieving.

I think it’s very good of her to have written you a cheque to cover some of your bills, I don’t understand why you expected her to do this or why your sone was paying some of your bills? Were you babysitting or caring for your grandson?

Please, make your peace with her and try and build a new relationship with them both moving forward.

Good luck to all of you

grannys123

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

At the risk of pointing to the obvious, you expected dil staying with you, dil made her choice of a hotel. Hotels have been invented as a place to stay, not all believe in staying with others, I don't.

so really, if I was you, I think I would face my fears and do a course with one of the airlines so that you can get over it and continue to see your grandchild.

Yes, I really think the course is a good idea.

Here's one:
m.fearofflying.com/#:~:text=The%20SOAR%20Guaranteed%20Program%20includes,will%20receive%20a%20full%20refund.

Make your own life OP and get a job so that you can manage your finances. You have driven a great big wedge between you and your generous dil.

She should move close to her own family, you are not behaving like a loving mil. You are needy and entitled, sorry for your losses but don`t put such a guilt burden onto your dil. You are in great danger of never again seeing your grandchild

The ball is in your court, back off

I have just read that your son was buried with his father.
That was indeed a kindness by your daughter-in-law.

I would not read anything into staying in a hotel. It is easier for some of us than staying with family - especially when we are emotionally exhausted.
How nice of her to include you fully in the preparations though. I think she is probably a kind woman in terrible pain. She was chosen by your son - and was his love. That alone speaks well of her.

You could move closer to her new home

I am very sorry for the death of your dear son. What a terrible thing to live through as others on this site know.

...But your daughter-in-law has had a terrible bereavement too and has a little one to protect and care for.
Given that she is going to move house to somewhere that will suit them better she has offered to help you out with flights - so really, if I was you, I think I would face my fears and do a course with one of the airlines so that you can get over it and continue to see your grandchild.

I know you say how alone you are now but see that you suggested she went to church with you... maybe you can get some support from your congregation there? I do hope so.

Please don't make your daughter-in-law's life harder by being aggressive and hostile in your pain.
Thinking of you.
💐

Gummie

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

This, sorry about the loss of your son, but I am shocked by the rest of your posts. You sound very entitled.

Callistemon21 They live a 7 hour drive. We buried my son next to his father, I expected DIL and my grandson to stay at my house while we made the preparations, but she chose to stay at a hotel

You cannot expect your DIL to help fund you. She was generous to give you a lump sum!

If you are so frightened of flying that you won't go to see them, how about taking a desensitisation course to overcome that? If you really want to see your DGS you will have to make an effort too.

You are at risk of alienating your DIL at a time when you have both suffered a loss and that is not a good idea.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, so tragic after losing your husband too grannys123

However, I am rather confused, you say they live 7 hours away from you (drive or flight ?) but you wanted your grandson to stay with you while your DIL made the funeral arrangements (and fully included you).
And of course her own family wanted to be with her, poor young woman had lost her husband, a little boy had lost his Daddy at a young age. They have a huge change in their lives to cope with. .

No, the insurance money is for your daughter-in-law and grandson, some security for their future. I am surprised you even suggested that she share it with you.

There was a similar thread a little while ago, if I could remember what it was called, some of the answers might help you.

Did you ever hear the saying

Your son is your son till he gets him a wife,
But your daughter's your daughter the rest of your life.

I'm so sorry for you, its a terrible thing to have your child die before you, not the natural way of things, but the poor girl has to deal with her own grief and that of her little boy who has lost his dad. You can't expect her to comfort you as well.
The replies on this page are very cruel, but if you take a step back from your own suffering and think of hers you will realise you are being cruel to pile your own grief and neediness onto her, she needs comforting and its natural she will turn to her own family.

So sorry for the loss of your son granny123
Please think very hard about what you want for the future- it is entirely possible to have a loving long distance relationship with your grandson (as many on here do) Your DIL needs to prioritise a life for herself & your GS, she has sought the support of her family, which is natural. Wish her well and try to find a way to come to terms with it all. Such a very sad time for you all x

I think that you run a very real risk of completely alienating your DiL and rarely if ever seeing your Grand Child again.

Oh dear. Your second post makes things even worse.

It’s not for you to say your daughter in law should stay where she is and decide what sort of house she will buy - she has the insurance money, she works and her parents are well off (which I think grates on you). You were receiving money from your son and your daughter in law has very generously given you a cheque for the rest of the year’s payments. She didn’t have to do that.

You say ‘I understand she’s upset’ - that’s a bit of an understatement for a woman who has been widowed. This seems to be all about what you want and I think the ‘she knows my circumstances’ comment underlines how upset you are about the payments coming to an end. Take up the very kind offer of flying - if you want to see your grandson you’ll get over your fear of flying.

Please do not make the mistake of making this all about you - your fear of flying is yours to address, not for her to move in with you

She has been more than accommodating to you - please thank her for her help or she may choose to protect herself and her child from harmful influences

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure I understand why you expect dil to give you any of her life insurance money or move near to you? Those are very unrealistic wishes.

Perhaps you need to grieve and get on with your own life, sans dil? Dil can care for her son, her family will help her, she'll be fine.

My sincere apologies for the loss of your husband and now your son .

I would write to her, apologise for yelling at her and telling her how important she and your GC are to you. You could suggest asking to meet up with her so she can tell you what her plans are including being able to stay in touch with her.

My advice is to not make this all about you and you seeing your GC. Your d.i.l. has been unexpectedly widowed, so if she knows you are there for her, I'm sure she'll be there for you too but on her terms.

I think you need to calm down and apologise for yelling. You should never do that. We are skating on thin ice with some DILs. You need to calmly explain how much you care about your grandchild (and care about her, even if that isn't true). She cannot understand being a grandparent and the love we have for our grandchildren - how could she? - but somehow you need to get across how upset all this is making you feel. If she has a heart I am sure she will listen.