DIL Pushing Me Away

This thread is very similar to at least two others on here.

You’ve tried to demand your dil do as you wish, you’ve forgotten in your own grief that she lost her husband, her life partner, the father of her child, a child she now has to raise without a father. Her whole future and her child’s has change far beyond anything she ever imagined in the worst way possible, too add to that she has a mil demanding to stay at her house, more contact with a child wondering where daddy is. Who’s mad when she sells the house to move back to her support network.

No parent should have to outlive their child, no toddler should suffer the death of a parent.

The fact you brought up money leaves a very very sour taste, you wanted half of his life insurance policy that’s crazy. That’s to raise his child. He was already helping pay your bills and your dil has written you the amount for the rest of this year.

You’ve harassed her and her family.
Get therapy or lose them forever.
You seem to have plenty of excuses and no answered other than you way or they are mean.

grannys123

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson. I attempted to reach her many times prior to this letter and pleaded to her mother for updates but was met with no response. She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen. I had a great relationship with my MIL while my son grew up so I didn’t find my request to have them refurbish their part of the home and stay with my unreasonable as many of you have mentioned. My DIL has never seemed to embrace me the way I embraced my ILS.

To answer some more questions::
1. My son was helping me back on my feet while I recovered from surgery
2. My husband passed last June
3. My son passed in March
4. My grandson is 3.5

I’m sorry for your losses, it must be all consuming.💐

But, as you’ve been widowed, you need to try and put yourself in DILs position, she has been widowed at a young age, with a very young child to think about.

She must feel that her entire world has come crashing down. You need to give her a break.

The early stages of widowhood are devastating, as you know, and the last thing anyone needs is someone making demands.

Her staying in a hotel is quite normal - I couldn’t cope with people around a lot. I needed space to grieve.

She needs insurance to protect the future of her and your GS. It’s not your money.

Not all in-law relationships are the same.

I’m sorry she’s felt the need to go down the legal route, but you need to back off, grieve your losses, and give her space.

In time, it might be that you can resurrect a good relationship with her.

I mean this post kindly, but you do need to look at it realistically.

Again, sorry for your losses.💐

You are making DIL’s loss so much harder.
It sounds like she’s been very considerate to you. Write and apologise for being so angry and demanding. She probably stayed in a hotel over the funeral time as she found your approach suffocating.
Make sure you thank her for the money she’s sent you, and don’t ask for any more. You are risking losing both of them.
Obviously you are feeling loss and grief too but try and step back.
Make sure you send your grandson presents and cards on his birthdays and Xmas and maybe some little treat once a month. FaceTime every couple of weeks would keep you in touch with him too.

Only 4 short days from the first post to legal representation!
You must be devastated! What can you do now? Lets be practical.
Its not very clear just what your financial circumstances are - you've been 'helped' by your son because you were in difficulties after being ill. You've been paid up to the end of the year - but what then?
You do have a job however - can you get more hours to make up the deficit?
You have a big house - can it be sold so you can live more economically? In the UK you can get equity release on your home, so you could raise some cash to get counselling. Is there anything similar in the USA.
Religion is obviously important to you - do you have a priest you can talk to? Perhaps he could mediate with your dil and arrange some visits? (but do use a hotel, don't expect her to put you up and feed you).
Please don't sit and mope, the feelings will only fester and get worse - do go out and help yourself to get over this.
Are there branches of Samaritans in the US?
It seems you are now banned from seeing your grandchild and this is heartbreaking. Only you can help yourself now, get some help from somewhere.

I've watched this thread from the beginning and I've read and re-read the OP several times, as well as reading all the replies.

First, and of course this goes without saying, is that like everyone, I'm so sorry for the two losses the OP is having to deal with. No parent should ever outlive their child and her grief must seem overwhelming.

I did, like others, wonder if perhaps her grief was overshadowing her in a way that skewed her rational thinking in some way, as I was surprised that anyone could be so, well....tone deaf to the whole situation.

The OP says that she took time off work and drove down but on opening the door her DIL told her she was "out of line". This is all quite telling.

Did she actually tell her DIL she was driving the 7 hours? Because if she did then it was surely at that time that her DIL would have expressed how she felt, rather than allowing her MiL to drive 7 hours and then tell her?

It also tells us that the OP has an income of her own, can drive, and that the income is enough to support the costs of running a car. She also is confident enough to do a 7 hour drive, and then the return trip.

I do wonder if maybe there is more of a "back story" here.

Sadly, the OP comes over as needy and controlling, and possibly jealous of the girl who took her son away, along with her "more well-off" family. If this is, and has always been the case, it may be the the DIL tolerated her MIL for the sake of her husband and son, but now sees this tragic situation as her way out of a toxic relationship? It would be helpful to know if there was any tension in the relationship prior to their mutual loss.

The good thing about taking to a forum for advice is that you usually get it, but it's generally honest as we don't know each other and we are all several steps back from the centre of the problem. The bad thing is that you very often get told what you don't want to hear.

Some people post their problems on a forum to try and get their own solution, or feelings, validated by others. We can see by the strength of the reactions on here that the OP is never going to get close to anyone agreeing with her actions and must accept that she has crossed a line that, unless she understands that her own behaviour has to drastically change, she may never be able to cross back over again.

I truly do wish her well and hope she takes some of the wise advise given.

I’m sorry for anyone losing their husband and son, it’s too much. Think the poster knows she was wrong on many counts and if she doesn’t make peace with her dil she will lose them both. She has lost her husband but you don’t seem to realise how awful that must be for her and your grandson, how could you expect her to fund your life, downsize or move to an area you can afford. It’s not her fault you won’t fly to see them, overcome that fear or get used to being on your own. It will be many years before your grandson can come to you. You will have to face time him and get used to modern technology. It’s obvious she want to be with her family.

First of all, I can’t imagine how lonely you must be feeling. To lose both your husband and son in such a short space of time is devastating.
Are you struggling financially? Can you maybe sell your house and downsize to something more affordable?
I think you know that you were wrong to ask for half of the policy money and to expect you dil to move in with you. It must be daunting trying to get your life back on track after all the trauma, but have you really given any thought to how your dil is feeling. She too has lost her beloved husband and her little one his daddy. She’s made her feelings quite clear to you now and I suggest you try now to make a life for yourself. Leave them to do their own grieving. She will have her own family to support her through this difficult time.
As other grans have suggested, there are people who you can talk to at very little cost. Do you have any kind of social life and friends who you can talk to?
Do NOT give your dil any more grief. It will only end in more heartache for you. 💐

Well OP. You and only you had brought this upon yourself. I feel very relieved that you DIL has gone the legal route. After much kindness and consideration at a time she should not have had to address she is now protecting herself and little boy from the toxic situation you have created.

Cruel. You have invited these many reactions by your totally unreasonable behaviour. Frankly you are owed no sympathy, you have negated any of that through your own despicable actions. Grief is not an excuse for all this. I am surprised at how angry I feel on your DILs behalf. She must be a saint.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but don't let it distort your thinking. Your DIL is grieving and has a young child to deal with. And asking for a share of the insurance money was utterly wrong.
Please step back , ,- it seems like you must now anyway,- and let things settle down. Then hopefully you can accept any forthcoming offers of contact with your grandson with grace and dignity.
I do understand how very important that contact is to you and I do hope it all works out ok eventually.

Get the money from somewhere, and do the therapy.

Gransnetters

...things have taken a turn for the worse

grannys123 says:

I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson

I think some people have missed this development.

You sound very overbearing and controlling. I'm sorry for your losses but you can't dictate how your dil goes on with her life. You were ridiculous expecting some of the insurance money. Why would she want to live with her mother in law instead of her own family? I'm afraid you will lose them if you don't change your ways. You have a lovely offer to fly to see them once a month. Fear of flying is not an excuse. There is a course you can take to overcome the fear. You need to apologise to her and put your yelling down to grief. Hopefully she'll forgive you.

It seems to me that you are being so unreasonable. Your DIL has helped you with money, offered a way for you to see your grandson at their expense and still you are not happy. You put blocks in the way.
Despite being your son the funeral was for HER husband and it was not for you to have the final say in arrangements.
It is natural for her to want to be near her own family so why would you expect her to move in with you rather than her own close relations.
To ask for money from a policy is so wrong and I wonder she is even still bothering to suggest ways you can see your grandson.
HARSH WORDS indeed but I think you need to calm down and try to see the logic in what she is doing. Otherwise I fear you WILL lose both of them.
Good luck however, but please think, think, think .

I don't think you are coping and are in a terrible state of grief, fear and panic. Which is understandable. You are trying to cling to your daughter in law and grandson to stay afloat which again is understandable but I am afraid you are in danger of losing them completely. I know you feel you could be of help to them in this situation but what you want them to do is not what your DIL needs. There is also the little boy to think about. He needs you to be strong now. I know it is not easy. Your son sounds a lovely man. Perhaps you have always had needs that he understood and helped you with. I am so sorry for your loss. You need to find a way of supporting yourself independently, emotionally and practically. Which may seem overwhelmingly difficult but I hope you can do it because it is the only way forward for you and the only way to keep positive contact with your grandson and his mother. Bereavement counselling could help.

Macadia

Sorry for your loss. I suggest that you begin by connecting to Grief Share (online) griefshare.org in the country where you reside. You are lashing out irrationally in fear of losing the little 3 year old. He is not your son. He is her son. You are not welcome in the DIL's life anymore because you are unstable with terrible grief and she will need years with zero contact with you in order to recover from this and tend to her child's needs. You asked a grieving widow for money. I know you can't see the wrong you've done due to the trauma you are in but you need to get away from you GC, your DIL and all of their family. Your actions come across to me as a bully. You will find all sorts of ways to justify your behavior but realistically, you need counseling to deal with your trauma and not make your in-laws lives even worse. If I were the DIL, I would not even give you visitation until he were in his teens. I am truly sorry for your loss and believe that you can be in a better place than this with the help of caring professionals. Don't let these tragedies define the rest of YOUR life. Leave her alone.

Absolutely this

"She is demanding therapy, but I don’t have extra for that so, like the flying, just another way to look good while knowing it won’t happen."

The above says it all, in fact is it dispicable, there is no hope of any reconciliation until you can see you are so very much in the wrong on every count. Your poor, poor DIL to have to cope with this whilst grieving her husband's premature death. Please find the. money for therapy, but it will not help until you open your mind to the fact that you are so out of order. What you had with your own MIL, does not come in to this at all. I cannot tell you how sad I feel for your grandson and his lovely mother.

Sorry for your loss. I suggest that you begin by connecting to Grief Share (online) griefshare.org in the country where you reside. You are lashing out irrationally in fear of losing the little 3 year old. He is not your son. He is her son. You are not welcome in the DIL's life anymore because you are unstable with terrible grief and she will need years with zero contact with you in order to recover from this and tend to her child's needs. You asked a grieving widow for money. I know you can't see the wrong you've done due to the trauma you are in but you need to get away from you GC, your DIL and all of their family. Your actions come across to me as a bully. You will find all sorts of ways to justify your behavior but realistically, you need counseling to deal with your trauma and not make your in-laws lives even worse. If I were the DIL, I would not even give you visitation until he were in his teens. I am truly sorry for your loss and believe that you can be in a better place than this with the help of caring professionals. Don't let these tragedies define the rest of YOUR life. Leave her alone.

I'm getting a bit confused on some of the abbreviations, reread and sorted most out. But a few comments stated the OP was in the US, another wondered if from Eastern Europe. I'm confused there, too. Does the OP say something I missed to indicate where she lives? I'm in the US, enjoy this forum and it's nice to see others facing & sorting out some of what I face. As to someone asking if this is a custom in the States? Not in any way. Never heard of anyone asking for this...not unless they were greedy.

Great details cold - I hope the OP will find them useful.

I'm really sorry for your loss and fully understand that you are grieving right now. But you also need to think about the fact that your DIL is grieving and also dealing with her very young child's grief and does not have the capacity to deal with your grief and needs as well. Her life has changed forever - she does not have the future with her husband she envisaged and her child will grow up without a father.

You need to set aside your expectations and presumptions. They were not realistic. You need to stop thinking that your DIL and grandson will become a substitute for your husband and son. They have their own grief to heal.

I think you need to need to take some steps deal with your own grief. I was going to write that your behaviour could come across to DIL as harassment or hounding a new widow - but I see that your DIL already regards your behaviour as over the line and has sent a cease and desist letter. You need to consider that the level and number of your demands have scared your DIL and she's worried to have you upsetting her son.

As a word of warning - and this was way back in the 1930s - my Great Grandmother caused a permanent breach in the family because of her presumptions and controlling behaviour towards her DIL. After her son's death my GGM just presumed that DIL and GD would move in with her and that she would raise the baby. She didn't listen to any objections or tried to steamroller over them. As a result, DIL moved far away to her family and GGM never saw her granddaughter again and my own grandmother never saw her niece. All contact was lost until 35 years later a woman approached in a car park of a sporting event and asked my name. It turned out to be my mother's long lost cousin. I never even knew she existed

I think you need to follow up with the therapy. Many churches have Ministers/Pastors who are trained counsellors. Colleges often offer low cost counselling. I have cut out a list of suggestions for finding therapy from a US newspaper - I hope you can find help.

........................................................
How to find a therapist

(Always exercise due diligence in selecting caregivers.)

· Ask your primary care physician to refer you to someone.

· Call your health insurance carrier or visit them online to get a list of in-network providers.

· See if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program.

· Use Open Path Collective, a national nonprofit network of therapists providing sessions at reduced rates.

· Search the listings on Psychology Today.

· If you or family members have a school affiliation, ask whether its counseling service is available to you or maintains a list of recommended providers of mental health care.

· Inquire at your religious organization, if appropriate — many faith leaders have counseling credentials.

· Contact a local college or university that confers degrees in counseling fields; many have clinics to train their students.

· If you have a specific difficulty, such as grief, addiction, a major illness in the family, debt, etc., there may be a topic-specific support group. SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year information service in English and Spanish for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups and community-based organizations.

............................................................

grannys123 I am truly sorry (for all of you actually) that a cease and desist order has now come to you... but I do agree with others that counselling is a positive step that you can seek out for yourself and your own future wellbeing.

I know some charities offer counselling so maybe ask at your church? I would start with that - and I'd try to be as positive as I could be about it. Counselling is for you and will help you work out your own best strategies for coping.

We all wish you well on Gransnet and hope you can make the necessary changes to bring things to a happier place.

I would still write an apology letter but I would run it all past someone you trust - to make sure that your sincerity shines through and that none of your "old" feelings are there to pick over.

grannys123 I have taken time to read your comments. It seems as though many of you may have been right, as yesterday I received a cease and desist and a “demands” letter from a lawyers office secured by my DIL that outlines terms and conditions upon which I am to see my grandson, including supervised visitation once therapy is completed. I cannot understand supervised visits, I’m not a threat to my grandson.

I'm sorry you've forced dil to a solicitor's letter. Therapy sounds a good idea. Don't question dil's wishes regarding her son. Also, leave her Mum alone. No good will come making incessant demands.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have three sons and they are my proudest acheivements. However in your situation I think you’ve expected too much. She now has a child to support and a future to navigate. This may or not involve you. Tread carefully or you’ll push her and her family away. You should not have expected any money from your sons life insurance this was for her and her sons future. I think you need time to think.

I hope the letter has caused you to reflect. Your daughter in law has given you money so you should be able to afford some therapy. Accept the terms on which access to your grandson is offered. That it has come to a lawyer being involved must make you realise that you are very much in the wrong here.