Second Marriage & Grandchildren

I’m a step grandparent, and I was super excited when we knew they were pregnant. The children treat me like a grandparent, but know I’m not biologically related. We and their parents have always been open about the situation. There biological grandparents are in their lives and their just happen to have lots of us.! They come and stay because they enjoy spending time with me and their grandad (who’s not well these days). I think the relationship is more important than biology!

You are right it is different for him. Not sure how old you both are but most of our DGC arrived when we were fairly young. Years go by and DH and I are no longer required for babysitting etc and have lots of time for the two of us. Everything passes

Your husband sounds very insecure.
I'm sure once baby arrives he will show a lot more enthusiasm.
Until then it's straight to bed for him, with no supper or story !

My second husband has known my boys since they were 9 and 10 but has never been “Grandad” to their children who range in ages from 18 to 8. He is known by his first name to them. It has always upset me that this is the case but I can’t make him feel the same about them as I do. We have two adult children of our own now who aren’t parents yet, but he has said how excited he will be when he becomes a grandad. Can’t force feelings unfortunately. You enjoy your grandchild and ignore his feelings, such a special time.

I'm also in a second blended family. My husband's elder child started sprogging three years ago and I have been very happy to join in the joy and to produce hand made gifts etc for the grandchildren. My own elder child is now expecting and I detect a degree of uninterest in my husband, but frankly, I'm not going to let it spoil anything and anyway, he's quite self-aware enough not to grump. Probably helps that my child lives abroad, so face-to-face grandparenting will be somewhat limited.

My OH is a brilliant Grandad to our 5 grandchildren and always has been from the day they were born. They may not be his 'blood' grandchildren but they absolutely worship him and he is their Grandad. He has supported them and nurtured them from birth and they know he will always be there for them. Much more of a role model to them than their blood Grandad that's for sure.

Kent75
I think people forget that people have very different experiences of being parented. My grandmother never engaged or played with us as children. She sat in her chair and talked to my parents and my sister and I were expected to sit still and not talk. My parents were in their 50s when they became grandparents .They had my family, husband and two children over once only for Xmas as they found it too much. They never babysat but we did visit bi monthly for Sunday lunch but we were expected to reciprocate. They were not horrible people. This was just how it was done. Your husband may not be jealous, he may not have had your experience.

I wouldn’t say your husband is ‘jealous’ Id say he’s worried about upsetting his current applecart. He is comfortable with his current life and the sudden introduction of a new baby and all the sometimes chaos and disruption that can mean, is worrying him as is the thought that you might not want to move.

My DH was a bit like this when my DD (not his) was pregnant with the first grandchild. However it was love at first sight when the baby arrived. He was very involved and was more likely than me to say yes to babysitting! Same again when number 2 arrived. They were his absolute joy.

Tell him to grow up, he is going to be a Grandparent ...,start acting like one !

I read something here on GN which made me stop and think. I can't remember who, but someone said that they would never put their DH above their DC. I am so, so, guilty of slipping into this sometimes and when I read this person's post, I had a Wake Up moment to remind me that MY views are more important than my DH views. When I was very young - 21 I think - I gave birth to a little boy and my husband had a vicious jealousy of my love for our child. So weird !!! He is not in my life now (thank goodness) and not in my son's life (thank goodness). Biology is strange. Motherhood is strange but wonderful. I don't know how to make sense of any of this. My only confidence is Love Your Children. Love Your GC. Anything else is ........... I don't even know a word to describe (sorry). Do what's right. I think Dr. Spock said that you already have it IN you. I agree.

Speaking from experience, your children are still youngish. Over the last 14 years, your husband has helped you rear them, and he was looking forward to some time with you and without the responsibility for young people.
If you make him and you a priority, then all should be fine. Consult with him before you volunteer for babysitting duty when he is home. Also, limit the number of consecutive weekends you are willing to help out to allow time for you and him. If you kids are like my kids, you will be reaching out to them far more often than they will be reaching out to you. This is the sign of good, mature parents who are ready to rear their own children and let grandparents just be grandparents when they want to be. It is hard to resist sweet little babies once they are part of the family.

Thank you everyone.
I agree it will be a wait and see! The other grandma will be heavily involved, so without a doubt my son and partner will have a lot of willing and loving support, should they want it. And yes, conversations need to be had with my husband which we have started already. As someone said ‘blended families’ do require a lot of negotiation, compromise etc, and as another person said ‘blood is thicker than water’. You have a given me lots to think about and so good to know that others have been in similar situations, and it’s been ok in the end, as most things are.

The first grandchild is always exciting, so no wonder you are making forward plans.
I would exercise caution here though. This child is not coming into the world to fill a gap in your life, but to enhance it.
Your husband may just be being slightly cautious as he can see what might lie ahead as other grandchildren follow.
It may seem odd but I think it is important to listen to him and maybe decide in advance how much contact you would each like after the baby is born.
More important than this though is to have clear communication with the parents as to what they expect from you too.
It is so easy to get carried away and these are very, very early days so my advice is to calm down a little and be open to things not turning out quite how you expected.
May be even better- who knows?

It sounds to me that the is trying to dampen down your enthusiasm for a new baby, you need to be aware that the new mother may not welcome your help. Don’t fall into the trap of interfering, offer to help by all means but dont impose yourself.

Men are usually ambivalent about babies, but if your involvement is affecting your relationship you are probably doing too much.

Some helpful responses here as usual. I was just going to add that you may need to reassure him that your life will be enriched and not spoiled by the new additions.

Is he perhaps concerned about your Ex partners? Having to negotiate with people you thought were in the past, could be an issue.
Never mind. You are a strong resilient couple and will be fine.

he is overthinking the whole situation I think, and scared that he won't have the future he was hoping for.. But situations change and we have to adapt.. You probably won't be moving, and he may have grandchildren himself at some point.. Having expectations never works really.. tell him to just enjoy going with the flow!!

Your husband sounds a bit insecure but I’m sure when the baby arrives he will be fine.

Having grandchildren is a wonderful experience, especially the first one and I do hope you aren’t deterred from enjoying the experience. I think I would have a frank discussion with my husband if I were you because I think his attitude is a red flag and it needs addressing, jealousy can be very destructive over time.

As others have said, even if the pregnancy was in his family, men generally don’t get that excited about it, or small babies, it doesn’t follow that as time goes on they won’t change.
Whilst I was pleased when my daughter became pregnant, it didn’t change my life, I carried on working f/t and welcomed the baby, but she slotted in, so nothing much changed.

“Blood’s thicker than water” comes to mind. I hear this a lot from friends who have so-called ‘blended families’. Sometimes they have an awful lot of navigating of emotions and expectations to deal with. I’m sure your situation will sort out just give it a bit of time.

My mother-in-law's second husband wasn't very family minded, whereas she always had been. Her three children largely ignored his grumpy behaviour.

Ironically when he himself was ill and dying it wasn't his own sons that rallied round, it was hers... 🤨

He’s afraid of more of my time being dedicated to something other than ‘us’ I imagine. Plus as this is my son’s baby and not his, he won’t feel the same. He’s jealous of my boys, and also the time I spend with my dad as he has mild dementia. I think it’s also a case of me always looking out for someone else and he’s hoping that in the future we retire, move away and do our own thing. I suppose that never ends. I think you are right when you say wait and see when the baby arrives. My DIL mum will be living closeby and is retired, so she will be around to help with baby too, plus I will have someone to jump up and down and be excited with!!

He sounds as if he is afraid of having competition for your love. I can imagine him sitting in a corner sulking away when they bring your grand child to visit. This is your son, your grandchild and if your husband does not like it then hard luck.

Your DH may well be won round once the baby arrives. Men aren't so excited by pregnancies but it's different when the baby arrives. Fret not!