Second Marriage & Grandchildren

The grandchild must be born or very nearly so, as the OP was posted on May 26th 2024.
Now the fun will start. Possibly.

It seems unfair to up end your plans for moving to the coast without proper discussion. Most babies don't spend the night until they are about 3 from my experience. I find that my children want to be the parents, and don't really need me to be anything but a fun granny. Be plan B for the grands, but not plan A. Cultivate seeing the child when you want to see them instead of being told. This is a good way to do it, so you don't feel taken advantage of and your husband will be more in control.

i had 2 dads 2 moms mom met my stepdad and married him when i was10.they were divorced 15 years later and 20 years later she remarried to the she was died but 25s years before at my half brothers wedding .i have a picture of the bio dad ,my step dad ,and the 3rd husband one picture!
when a baby i born every gets excited .nephew is soon to be a dad we are so happy. this a good thing
my native part of my family my grand mom was pregnent at 16
when he married her and it was not his after that they had 6 more children nobody knew about first baby until they died 78 year later thought she was granpas.. no biggy

in my big family there no steps so no jealousy
maybe he thinks he has no part in it that is easy to change he is a grandpa too

Whatever you do, don’t let this grumpy, jealous git spoil your excitement about your grandchild! My husband (2nd marriage, no grandkids) has been a total bloody pain about this for years, since my delightful granddaughter was born, and then my grandson. My grandkids are fantastic and I adore them and I’d be happy to drop this curmudgeon like a hot potato. Fortunately my daughter is an intelligent and insightful young woman who knows how threatened he is and it’s not an issue. He’s nuts. Enjoy! Lucky girl!!!! Jump up and down and shriek and shout. Sod him. Xxxx

It is difficult when the grandchildren aren’t ones partner’s. I’m in the same position, fortunately my husband doesn’t complain when I look after mine but he has no interest in helping out so I do my childcare alone. I am a little envious when I see doting grandparents as I feel like a single parent all over again except I’m 40 years older!! But I remember how unhappily married I was so I grit my teeth! But you’re right, blended families with grandchildren do bring some problems. Going on holiday with your grand child and family but without him is a good solution, that’s what I do. It will be interesting to see how he responds, though, when he has grandchildren. I wonder if he’ll look after his on his own without any input from you? Good luck and enjoy being a granny.

I haven’t personal experience of blended families, but just wanted to say congratulations and I hope you and your OH will enjoy the new baby.

Like others have said, he’s just not as bowled over as you are, it not being one of his children expecting a baby.

Two things though. My DH wasn’t at all interested in either of my pregnancies when we had our 2 sons, but has been a brilliant dad and now grandpa.

Also as paternal grandparents, we haven’t been nearly so involved with our dgds as I imagined we would be, and much less than the other grandparents. Just how it is, and we do see them pretty regularly and love them dearly.

I just have to remember they aren’t our children, after all.

My DH and I are both on second marriages. He has a DS and DD and I have a DD and 3 DSs. He has no DGs and I have 7 ranging from 31 to 2. We decide early on that his GD, when his children had them and I would be stewaris not gran or any othe r form of grandparent name. He would be. and is, Kenny. he's not their grandfather and the younger ones just accept it, the older ones are glad to be treated as adults and the in betweenies think it's great to call an ancient adult by their christian name. It works for us.

I can only speak from experience :
My DP is jealous of the time I spend with my DC (grown up with their children ) and jealous of my DGC.
He just retired, immediately went back 2 days a week and begrudges me time with my DC and DGC it’s heartbreaking I am thinking of leaving as I can’t go on like this - I’m 64 and not in good physical health so I don’t know how I’d support myself…but I will find a way.
Grown men who are your partners should love and support you in the love and excitement about DGC !
He now has DGC on his ‘side’ and I do love and support them. He wanted to move to the coast in retirement but now my Dd lives near the coast he has changed tack ! And also he doesn’t want to be “too close” to his own DGC as he doesn’t want to have to look after them regularly …
I think he needs therapy as his Mother left him as a young child and he is broken 💔
I hope your DP can share in the joy of DGC
xxx

We are currently in our caravan visiting my son and his family. We have GC from all 4 of our AC and I have come to realise that my DH isn't that bothered about any of them, the 4 from his side nor the 4 from mine. He much prefers our dog who he treats like a baby. I just crack on with what I want to do and he can put up or shut up. Being a grandma is blooming marvellous! Enjoy it! 😉

Kent75
Oh dear being this way about a as yet inborn GC is one thing when it’s understood he has no GC . But really being what seems like “ threatened “ by a friends dog 🐶 he is not a dog lover ? And anyway having a dog for a day stay is no hardship unless you have something like a spa day or theatre trip planned , dogs just go with you wherever you go .

Kent75
I’m sad to read of your husbands comments 😢
As he hasn’t yet got any GC of his own he obviously has no understanding of how you are feeling . It must be particularly upsetting for you .
I too am on my 2nd marriage- 3rd for my DH . At the time of our marriage we had 8 children between us his youngest 2 from his 2nd marriage the same ages as my 2 GC I also had a new GD . He also had 2 GC of his own of similar ages from the DC of his 2nd marriage .
A few years on & we both had a succession of GC all coming along together . DH ia wonderful with all of my DGC , they have known him all of their lives - & as they have their own GF have given him a special name .
In fact I would say he sees more of my DG & is more involved with them than he is with his own DGC .
No rift it’s just how it is .
I would like to think that once your 1st DGC comes along he will be as smitten as you , I mean who can resist a beautiful new baby . And if you live away from them in the future then copious visits marked on the calendar 😘

Goldieoldie15

Advice from an “old hand”?if I may. Remember your husband is your priority. At all times. Children and grandchildren will move on in time and then the most important thing in your life will still be your relationship with your husband. Above all else.

Absolutely at least someone with some sense. What is wrong with all these grns. who put kids above everything even though they are adult. You have hopefully brought them up to be independent so let them get on with their lives, your husband should be your priority once the children have flown the nest. I am not saying don't help out, but I AM saying compromise and discuss it with your husband before you commit.

Perhaps the obvious thing to do here is have an honest conversation about his feelings. There might be other things going on. How did he feel when his own children were born? Be gentle with him.

I was only 48 when I found out I was going to be a grandma and I was a very reluctant to be one! I found it difficult to be enthusiastic and I worried about how I would feel about the baby. Of course as soon as she was born I fell in love with her. I had her overnight many times and looked after her while my DIL worked for a year. You don’t know how you‘ll feel until the baby is born and hopefully it will be the same for your husband.

Or desert island

So many very true and helpful comments. I suppose I will find a balance of having my life, enjoying retirement….although not yet, and the grandchildren. I think myself and my DH work well as a couple and not so great with full on family stuff, as he has to compromise when it comes to my family and I have to with his. The perfect family doesn’t exist and we will find a way to make it work. He’d be happy if it was just me and him on a dessert island. He got a bit irritated as I have agreed to look after a friends dog for a day, saying hope this isn’t going to be a regular thing as it gets in the way of what we might want to do. Hey Ho! I feel better for sharing and from hearing your responses many of which have really made me think. Thank you.

In a similar situation with my DH. He is actually their grandad ! I’m going in Holiday with them all in July and DH staying at home. He claims he can’t stand the noise! It’s the same when we’re at home, he never liked them visiting. We had seriously considered moving to the coast too but when it came to do it I didn’t want to. Have compromised by moving house in same area. I’ve always done what he wants to do but doing what I want now! School run and childcare one day a week.

My husband and I have been married for 40 years- we have 2 children and 4 Grandchildren. Before the birth of each grandchild he has been quite negative, saying things like “I expect you will be booked up for babysitting again’ I know now to make sure he doesn’t feel left out or neglected when the baby comes. You could say he is selfish and that he should grow up- but the reality is that he has grown to be a wonderful grandpa and he is now terrific with them- but it has taken time and patience!
Of course, he is their grandfather but I have seen the same happen with friends of mine who have divorced !
So- I am saying: encourage and support him- be patient - give him time, don’t rush it!!

I would try not to worry about your DH and just enjoy the anticipation of your new grandchild. Hopefully once baby has arrived your DH will melt and be a true doting GP, here's hoping!

I don’t think this is a dilemma specific to second marriages, or indeed to spending time with grandchildren.
It’s about how much time a retired couple want to devote to shared interests, and how much time each partner wants to devote their own activities.
How that balance works out is for each couple to decide - there’s no ‘right’ answer.

A word of warning OP. You say you want to be ‘involved’ in your grandchild’s life, but there’s a balance between helping the young parents, and recognising that the child is their child & that we as grandparents have had our turn and sometimes we have to step back & let them get on with it as they think fit.
Also, the grandchildren grow up very quickly & have their own lives & grandparents become peripheral. So while this can be an argument for seeing as much as possible of them while they’re little, it’s also an argument for not getting too involved, as one day you won’t be needed any more & will have to fall back on your own resources.

Some first husbands after several years of being a couple find the change to being a responsible father and husband difficult and has led to 2 divorces I know of . I know this is different but some people are fine as a couple but not so good when demands are made on their partners time and they are not always available.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t want his routine to be disturbed. Somewhat selfish but maybe also fearful. And yes it’s not his child having a baby. I think generally men aren’t quite as invested as women when it comes to babies. He’s probably worried he’ll be neglected/ disrupted. Set in his ways maybe?

Advice from an “old hand”?if I may. Remember your husband is your priority. At all times. Children and grandchildren will move on in time and then the most important thing in your life will still be your relationship with your husband. Above all else.

I have ten grandchildren, 4 of whom are inherited! We have never treated them any differently, Christmas, birthdays, sleepovers etc even though two of them were convinced we did until they sat and thought about it! My eldest grandchild however was totally excluded by his stepmother's family which made me so cross! Both are common I think. I would also say that once the baby arrives your husband may be completely different. Babies are wonderful for softening a heart so I would just hum along and enjoy the wonderful anticipation and fun times to come.