Invisible Step-Granny

I think this is a very strange story.

Update:
5 year old granddaughter is sitting at my kitchen table while I make her a snack. We are having a nice chat when out of the blue she says, "My Grandma says that you aren't my Granny and that I am supposed to call you "my name."

I was a bit stunned, but not surprised. I just explained to her that, "my name is ....., all the kids call me Granny because grannies are people who love you and treat you special. Do you feel special when you are here?" "Yes" she says. Well then you can call me Granny, but you can also call me ...... if you like, either way I think you are special too"

Judee hit her low for sure. What a hag!

I am a true believer that you can't have too many people love your kids. Obviously, she doesn't feel this way.

Sounds good in your update OP

DiamondLily

She’s not really an interloper - she’s the child’s “birth” granny.

There will often be underlying tensions in this sort of thing. Blended families are fine, but they are not always straightforward.

I would rise above it. If you create an issue, you don’t know what way your step-daughter would jump.😗

Agreed annoyi mg as it sounds saying anything or creating a scene is likely as. Not to backfire. At the end of the day Judee ia stepdaughters mum so you’re unlikely to come out ahead.

Just a quick update:

Judee saw us walking up to the grandson's ballgame. We saw her sitting in her lawn chair as she had been there for a while already. We took a detour to the restroom, which she didn't navigate into her intrusion plan, when we came out, she was already standing by the granddaughter but not interacting with her in anyway. Husband and I acknowledged Judee with a nod and proceeded to say hello to granddaughter.

As I bent down to say "hello." to parody the immortal words of Julie Andrews, " the hill come alive with the sound of Judee" Either Judee hadn't said hello yet, or she was blind because the little one had a plaster on her knee and a skinned shin. Judee breaks into the oh so interested and concerned investigator. She was pondering outload to no one. "OH, she has injured herself. Does it hurt? What happened? Is there anything I can do? Oh, daring are you okay?" The poor child was trying to say hello to us and listen to her grandmother at the same time. This child is 4 BTW.

I couldn't help myself.......I looked up and said, "Just give me a minute to say hello, and then she is all yours." Judee looked as if someone had woken her up from a sleepwalking event. She stopped harping and I quickly said to the child, "Come see me during the game and we can get a snack together" I walked off and just smiled at Judee.

That was in July, she hasn't come up to me again or tried to speak over me. The DIL was there and heard it. She didn't say a word or seem to think much of it.

I think it was risky, but enough was enough.

This is very funny: We were at a dance recital and Judee and her husband were sitting on the same isle 9 seats away. Judee had the 7-year-old grandson sit on her lap for two hours so she wouldn't have to share him with us or the SIL parents. More power to her. She most likely needed physical therapy after that sit-in.

My grandkids have a step-grandma and she is just part of the family and my grandkids love her, and so do I because you can never have too many people love your kids.

Anyway, it all worked out and she has left me alone for now.

ROSENSANDLILAC-I would surmise that she is more like Busy Bee. She can't read a room and she often looks foolish with her interruptions.

Just for the fun of it....one more story

Last year, at a birthday party that was held at a go cart place. My SD was quietly paying for the party. I walked up to her and offered to pay for half. She graciously accepted. The party was in full swing with lots of kids and plenty of adults. SD and I were paying with no issue. Out of the blue, I hear a very urgent harp over my shoulder directed at my SD in a sing-song cadence, "Is Everything OKAAAAAY?"

My SD looked at her with shock and said very curtly, "Yes, "blank" is just paying half."

Mention money and Judee runs the other way. This just shows you that she is homed in on me and what I am doing. There shouldn't have been any reason for her to even know what we were doing at that busy place. I can't make a move that she isn't right behind. It is just weird.

I’d just ignore her and be very polite if I had to speak to her.
She sounds desperately insecure and overbearing as a result.
There’s always someone who has to be queen bee, I suppose.

NANNASHIRLZ- TOTALLY! I got the ex-wife forever right along with my husband. I just think....I would have divorced her too. I do bite my lip, but it is hard. She enjoys every minute of it, and I dare not fight back. I guess that's what really bothers me.

Do Tell....I am curious!

If I told you about my lads inlaws I’d be here all day lol but i feel your pain i just let them get on with it and ignore them when they go over the top and smile while biting my bottom lip. Like they say you can pick your friends but not your family lol

pascal30

I also wouldn't wink at her, that is playing into her behaviour, I would just go with the expectation that she will behave like this and calmly observe her behaviour.. it could be amusing.. and you are then the person completely, but silently, in control. Never make negative comments about her..

Good advice, I won't wink at her, but it is fun to think about it. I am actually always in control. She is really just a bit of a nuisance.

I can remember when my husband and I first met, he told me that she researched me, my profession, my education, my family, like you do? Judee said to him, "She is just what you have always wanted." Apparently, despite her best efforts at intruding and different iterations of pesky behavior over the years, I am still standing with all my dignity intact.

This will pass. I could tell so many stories about her trifling behavior at graduations, weddings, baby showers, soccer games...what's a few more moments, right?

I actually, feel bad for my SD, but she is smart, and I think she just knows her mom and ignores it all as much as possible. I can see and sense her discomfort sometimes.

Smileless2012

Your 'place' SMA is at your husband's side as his wife, step mum to his D and step GM to her child.

The only way to win the game with someone like this is to refuse to play. She clearly has insecurities so be thankful that you don't share them. It's a shame that she doesn't see herself the way I'm sure the majority of people who know her, do.

Oh, I know, but it is fun to think about winking at her. I will keep my cool. My family relationships are more important than her sideshow. It is good to vent.

eazybee

SMA1218: Invisible Step- Granny?

I don't think so.

So True! She just likes to act as if I am invisible.

dragonfly46

Can I just say that I am the paternal GM and my DiL has a step-mother. When our first DGC was born I was asked what I wanted to be called. I said Granny and was told the step-mother was going to be Granny. I did feel a little miffed.

As it happens my DS thought 2 grannies was fine but my DiL stepped in and said I would be Granny and her step-mother Granny xxx (her name).

We all get on fine although we don't see much of the other family but unreasonably I felt at the time I had more rights than the step-mother did,

Judee is Grandma and SIL's mother is also Grandma. I am the only Granny. My grandkids were already calling me Granny prior to Step's being born, but they could have called me anything, but organically they just picked up on what the others were calling me. It was only Judee that had an issue with me.

As an aside, my husband is Grandad, Judee's husband is Grandad, and SIL's father is Grandad.

Your 'place' SMA is at your husband's side as his wife, step mum to his D and step GM to her child.

The only way to win the game with someone like this is to refuse to play. She clearly has insecurities so be thankful that you don't share them. It's a shame that she doesn't see herself the way I'm sure the majority of people who know her, do.

I also wouldn't wink at her, that is playing into her behaviour, I would just go with the expectation that she will behave like this and calmly observe her behaviour.. it could be amusing.. and you are then the person completely, but silently, in control. Never make negative comments about her..

SMA1218: Invisible Step- Granny?

I don't think so.

Can I just say that I am the paternal GM and my DiL has a step-mother. When our first DGC was born I was asked what I wanted to be called. I said Granny and was told the step-mother was going to be Granny. I did feel a little miffed.

As it happens my DS thought 2 grannies was fine but my DiL stepped in and said I would be Granny and her step-mother Granny xxx (her name).

We all get on fine although we don't see much of the other family but unreasonably I felt at the time I had more rights than the step-mother did,

Do not play games. Please don't wink at her!

Just be you, be kind and generous.
As the children grow, as long as you are still in a "positive" contact with them, all this nonsense will pass.

This is awesome. I may just try that if I can find the right moment. She usually doesn't look at me, she looks through me, talks around me and over me, but it could work if she stays still long enough. You know how it is with a Broadway performance; they have to keep moving to keep the audience's attention. Like I said, she Mary Poppins or maybe Mrs. Bucket, oh, I mean Bouquet.

You will find this funny, one of the things my husband loves about me, in his own words, is because "You wink at me with your big blue/green eyes"

I am feeling better after reading these posts and being able to respond. It just feels nice to vent and get it out. I also wanted to start a thread for other's who may have an insufferable ex that is raining on their efforts to have meaningful interactions with sweet little people they love.

It has always been my philosophy that you can never have too many people love your children. I made a point to always be kind to my ex-husband's next three wives. I know they were doing all the work, and I wanted them to care about my kids without the grief. My girls are still in contact with the step siblings they got to know over the years.

Hithere

Adding to what callistemom said

The competition game doesn't work if one of the players doesn't want to play it

They were separated when I met my future husband, and she was already in a relationship with her current husband having met him while she was still married and living with husband #1. They weren't happy and she strayed, often.

You are right. I am not going to volley the ball back to her. She can play by herself against a blank wall.

I totally got the better man. She is most likely still kicking herself looking at all she gave up for the under-employed man she married. Seriously!

Have you tried winking at her, with a slight smile on your face? When no one else is looking if you can manage it.

It’s an action that causes great consternation to the person receiving it. It conveys humour (I’m laughing at your behaviour), I know what you’re doing(you know I know you know) without saying anything, I’m not bothered by what you’re doing, it can be construed as a friendly welcoming gesture, and can easily be denied with ‘I’ve got something in my eye’.

It might make you feel that you have given her permission to behave how she does and lessen the sting for you.

It’s a good wind up if you want to go that route.

DiamondLily

She’s not really an interloper - she’s the child’s “birth” granny.

There will often be underlying tensions in this sort of thing. Blended families are fine, but they are not always straightforward.

I would rise above it. If you create an issue, you don’t know what way your step-daughter would jump.😗

Totally, SD would have to jump to her mom. Mom's love is conditional, mine isn't. In fact, when the grandchildren were younger, SD's couldn't even say the word Granny to the kids in my presence because her mom was adamant that I was not their grandmother, she was. But, my own grandkids were almost always here for family functions, and everyone calls me Granny, so eventually they started calling me Granny too and it stuck. I am their Granny. It is actually quite funny. I don't look like a Granny at all, but I chose it because my own Granny was so wonderful and everyone loves Granny. Right?

NotSpaghetti

Your grandchild/grandchildren will eventually see it.
Just love them as you do.
They know - and that's the main thing.

Try to make her irrelevant in your mind.

Good Idea.

LottieLouise

I know our grandchildren love me so I have no worries about what the other grandparents are doing when I am in their company, I just let them get on with it. Our grandchildren open their presents one after the other in front of all the family so it does not bother me that our present is just one of many.

All that matters is that you are at the party with everyone else but do not think for one moment that what your step daughter's mum is doing does not go unnoticed by everyone else, these antics of hers have not just started, this is the person she is and perhaps why your husband divorced her.

Just keep quiet about it, you do not want to cause trouble with your step daughter over a stupid woman who I think feels insecure in her own life. Just enjoy the get togethers, they don't last long.

For sure! I know everyone see it. It is like watching a trainwreck.

CvD66

How sad this woman sounds! From your description, she really sounds insecure and feels inadequate to you and your husband. As you say, it is different when the children are on their own with you, so do enjoy that. If you begin to see Judee as someone who is unable to behave differently, you might find it easier to tolerate. You and your husband could even rate her behaviour when you have left, to get rid of your frustration with her eg: she was a real 9/10 today wasn’t she!! Rather than letting her behaviour rile her, be ready for it and feel sorry for her. That she needs to behave like this after so many years is really, really sad.

This is great! Yes, her 9/10 performance a couple of weeks ago is what brought me here to vent. This has been very helpful.