Grandson has been adopted - memory box ideas?

GrandmaLouise

I won't have any contact. It would be something I keep until he got in touch when old enough. I'm 45 now so I'd be 62 if he ever made contact. I'd just want him to know we did care. We tried for custody but our living arrangements weren't suitable. My son walked away as they split up after he was born. I kept in touch with mum, she said he was my son's but is reported in social services notes as being highly manipulative and deceitful. So I don't know, am I prolonging the agony of holding onto this for 18 years not knowing

Grandma Louise, this message really moved me. I feel sad for you and your little grandson, even though he's totally unaware and I'm sure he will be loved and cared for by his new family. But I think you should do this memory box FOR YOU, as you described. You are not at fault, you are a victim of horrible circumstances and you have a right to build a little set of mementoes for yourself to enable you to keep hold of him in a way. You may have the chance to decide whether he gets the box or not at some point in the future and if that chance were to come and you had nothing to share with him, you might really regret it. The only reason you should choose not to do this is if you feel it is not helping or worse, damaging you.

Love and hugs to you.

Flossieturner

Have you checked that will be able to receive gifts. As far as I am aware it is in the child’s best interest to cut contact with the birth family.

I don't think that is is settled whether it is better if contact with the birth family should be kept or not, but I do know that it is up to the adoptive family to choose whether contact can be made, in discussion with social workers. My daughter feels that it is better for them to meet with their birth family so that they don't feel they are being kept apart and problems arise when they are 18 and can have access to their records.
Two of my grandchildren (siblings) were adopted into our family and my daughter takes them once a year to see their birth mother, and also sends photos and letters once a year. This year they have also met their birth father and his parents.
My daughter only lets them send presents, photos or cards to the children once a year.
As regards a memory box, our local adoption department did keep various things such as photos of the parents, and small gifts sent to the children. My daughter adds small things that the birth family send to her.

Just to say that my heart goes out to you. I hope he does contact you when he is older, and letting a box of memories and treasures for him will mean the world to him.
Even if there is a doubt that he’s not your biological grandson, do it. He may well be so. More love is needed in the world, and your actions and thoughts will add to it

what a lovely thing to do… I’m a Foster Carer and one of the most important things you could do for your grandson is a photo album of his dad when he was a child his dad when he was grown up and your family.
A funny memory of him, your hopes and dreams for his future.
You are his grandma you’ve claimed yourself as his grandma and that’s all that matters… He’s growing up Family will be grateful for the memories that you’ve put in the little memory box

GrandmaLouise you would have to contact the adoption people and maybe they can let you know whether the adoptive family would be receptive to the idea. The children have probably already got a memory box but the new family may not be using it.
I'd suggest a simple short letter or post card, perhaps with a photo of you and your grandson together, if you have one? They would not permit any identifying things such as addresses. I doubt that a birthday present would be permitted though that depends on the new parents.

Maybe a birthday card and Christmas card, with a cheerie letter telling him what you have been doing throughout the year.

I would buy a glass Xmas decoration every year for him. If he gets in contact when he is 18 there will be an entire set of Xmas baubles to go on his Xmas tree. Put a little tag on each one to say which year you bought it for him. Along with a birthday card with thoughtful words. I really hope he gets in contact with you.

I too find these situations heartbreaking and my thoughts are with those concerned. The idea of a memory box with letters and cards, should those children coming looking eventually, sounds wonderful.

not any more …

it will go with him. It’s very different now.
Adoption is very open and Child will be made aware of who they are and where they come from no secrets like the old days.

Welcome Photos of family events, photos of you growing up so he can see his roots. Photos of your son as a child. Photos speak a thousand words.

Is there a way in which details of the child's birth family can be put into his/her records so that they are easily available if/when the child decides to search for them?

These stories are so sad and I hope that there can be some sort of resolution.

Two of my DGC are adopted, sister and brother 20 months apart. DGD2 is in touch with her birth family, not entirely to her benefit, DGS refuses to acknowledge them. Having brought them up with a version of the truth it is best to leave it to the children concerned to decide what they want and need to know. I suspect that the need to know and becoming a parent are often closely related.

That's very encouraging Sam1965. Would Child be allowed an extra Granny, I wonder? When two people both with children marry there are lots of grandparents. Maybe there is hope for contact? Lots of really lovely suggestions here. Thoughts and prayers for all the sadness in this thread💕

GrandmaLouise I am sure you can see, from all the messages you have received, that you are more than welcome on GN.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you - this is truly heartbreaking .
I think that you'll have to check if you can send gifts . Hopefully his adoptive family will permit it .

I'd certainly make a memory box ready for the day when he is able and wants to find out about his past .

I'd put money away for him so that one day he can enjoy the benefits of it to educate himself/start a business .

Wishing you a happy outcome .

Hello, unsure if you have requested letterbox contact via your grandson’s social/adoption worker but as a significant relative you can, it is not always granted though but please consider it.
Under this arrangement which I’m afraid relies on the goodwill of adopters you can exchange 1 letter a year, giving an update on him, at a date to be agreed.
A memory box for the future is a lovely idea, birthday cards, photo’s etc in case he does make contact as an adult.
Good luck at this most distressing time.

What heartbreaking stories.
Have you considered putting your DNA profile in a memory box? Sounds bit weird, I know, but could help in the future for clarity and possibly some medical issues that may arise.
I think either the local authority or adoption agencies will keep contact details available for an adopted child to use if they so wish to trace birth families in the future.
It’s very difficult to adopt a child so I hope that helps you to know your grandson will be loved and cherished, I’m sure.
You’re right to keep a memory box for your grandson for the future and he’ll want to know you love him.
Best wishes and you’re so brave to ask for peoples opinion. Good luck. X

Hi Grandma Louise
I would write the card and a small gift/token each year. I would also add photos of yourselves and his Dad. Add photos from when his Dad was young and also a little story about his Dad at that age along the lines of…Your dad was crazy about dinosaurs at this age and his favourite was a T-Rex.
I think things like that will help him assimilate into your lives when he gets back in contact.
I wish you all the best going forward and that doing this will ease your pain.

How about you buy him a birthday card and write him a letter and put it in the card and into his memory box then should he decide when he’s 18 etc he wants to meet you and your son it could be something you could open together

As a mum of adopted children, and a special guardian to our grandson, it's a difficult dilemma. It's a good thing for your grandson, but he may not want to access this
Speak to the adoption agency

3nany6
My heart goes out to you. So devastating after knowing and loving him for 6 whole years. I'm not sure what 'letterbox contact' is but I sincerely hope your messages are passed on to that young boy and that he is very, very happy in his new life. Such an upheaval for him as well as for you. Take care.

Hi again GrandMaLouise you have had so many positive messages on here so I hope they have made your pain a little easier to bear. Thank-you for the message you sent me regarding my experience I shared with you about my grandson who has gone for adoption and it has now been one year since I have seen him. For me I have found that the adoption guidelines have not changed very much from the old days. My grandson is with the adoptive family now but I am unsure if the family have put into court to get the adoption certificate and social services will not give me that information. It is my daughters son and she tells me that nothing has come to her in writing saying the court date is arranged for that she tells me that she will never voluntarily sign paperwork to agree to his adoption although I have heard the adoption can still go ahead without her full consent. In regard of his adoptive family they expressed no wish for my grandson to meet up with myself at any time, I cannot send gifts or photographs for him and my only contact will be a once a year letter between the adopters and myself. My daughter received her form for the once a year letter last week she has told me she is just not answering them as he is her son and always will be. It is a difficult dilemma dealing with all this heartache and I shall just carry on keeping his memory box at home for him should he ever come looking and doing the once a year letter to the adopters. Once the child has gone the power all lies with social services and the adopters and as a grandparent I have no power what so ever, Take care GrandMaLouise.

As an adoptive mother as well as having a grandchild up for adoption, I can tell you that regular letters for Birthday and Christmas are very important.
We set up a memory box for our daughter we adopted and put all the letters parents send in it. Sadly they corresponded very irregular.
The social worker in charge will set up the letterbox contact but make sure you send to them in writing your request for it as it needs to be approved and you need a contract from them. I suggest just normal Christmas and Birthday cards but another letter to explain the situation and feelings you have for them to get when they are 15 and able to process more. Best to prepare such a letter now to be given to them in case something happens to you, but make sure you update and replace it ever so often. Many adopted children go through a crises as teenagers and this will certainly help them to find an identity.
Sorry it didn't work out for your grandchild, it can be very difficult for grandparents, I know I struggle at times. But stay strong and hopefully once the grandchild is grown you get an opportunity to meet up and rebuild relationships.

We have a memory box and a savings account in her name so deposit money every birthday, christmas so they know we were thinking off her. Memory box has all her cards in and little notes x