Grandson has been adopted - memory box ideas?

I am doing boxes for my grandchildren. I have been excluded from their lives, reasons unknown. I put in cards for every occasion and I also make little gifts, age appropriate so when/if we ever get to see them they will know their Nanna and Grandad always were there and love them.

Knspol Thank-you our posts have just crossed as I added another post. Knowing my grandson for 6 years made things very hard and my last time spent with him was just after his sixth birthday where we done his presents and his card but did not speak about him going away. Two weeks after that I was offered that I could meet him at the contact centre just myself and him and of course their was always a worker in with you. The last meeting was to tell him good-bye as he now was going to a new home. If he had been a young baby perhaps I could have done that but after having him within the family for 6 years it was way beyond all my capabilities to do something like that such a cruel suggestion even also I would have been in tears all the way through and that was not in his best interests. Take care Knspol.

In your place I would send him a birthday and Christmas card every year and for the memory box any pics you have of you with him. It will be up to the adoptive parents how much of that he sees but if they do not want correspondence passed on it will be kept and he can access when he is 18. It will mean at lot to him that someone loved him enough to do that. Being adopted is a lot to deal with. You struggle not knowing if he really is your grandson. Either way you would be doing a good thing.

Firstly, I am so sorry that you have lost your grandson to adoption.

However, having worked for an adoption team, keeping a memory box was something that the social workers always recommended. Should your grandson want to get in touch in the future it could really help him too.

I think it will give you some degree of closure and will enable you to regain some control / input for the future. Obviously, his adoption is entirely beyond your control, but in this small, but important, way you can demonstrate that he means something to you. Also from his perspective, he may take great comfort from your memory box.

I would suggest you copy any photos you have of him and include them in the box, along with photos of you, your son and any other immediate family and do this every year, perhaps on his birthday with a card and a ‘newsy’ letter talking about what’s happening in your family and hopes for his, including things like, “I expect this will be your first day at school, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on”. I really believe that this will allow you to process what is happening and may be really important for him in the future.

Perhaps if your son had any items of clothing, such as baby shoes this could be something that could be included. Maybe if you did a joint memory box with your son it may also help him to come to terms with the adoption. Wishing you peace 💐

Yours is a terrible and emotional situation to be in, however I'm not so sure about birthday cards (maybe the significant ones like 1st and 18th and 21st, as neither of my sons were/are over fussed about the sentiment of keeping them. What I think would be good is to write him a letter to keep in the box telling him how much you love him and miss having the opportunity to have him in your life, tell him about your life/his father’s life, and family history with a photograph album to give him a sense of knowing where he comes from. Perhaps you could buy (or gift him a family heirloom) signet ring to give him a sense of belonging for his coming of age

The memory box and an account are great ideas. My uncle adopted 3 children and in process of a 4th. He allows contact where appropriate. It may be worth asking for social services to pass on a letter to the adopting family asking if they are willing or able to include you in his life. Send you updates etc. Or consider any sort of agreement. Such as holding a letter for you until he is old enough to be told. 2 of the kids My Uncles adopted are siblings and mum was a drug addict who was deemed unfit by SS, they have a maternal aunt who was the one who asked SS for help when first was a few months old, she too couldn't take the kids in as their living situation wouldn't allow it. But SS passed on my Uncle details to the adoption agency for the aunt and left it too my Uncle. Once the first was settled he made contact and arranged for a visit with her away from that the child. Once he was happy that there was no issue with her being involved he was happy to allow visits. Now the oldest is 9 and youngest if 6 and she takes them both for days out. In fact it was her who asked her niece (the mum) to ask SS to investigate when my uncle could take the second child when she knew she was pregnant the second time to keep them together. Which he didn't hesitate in doing. He did consider contact for the third one after mum was accused of severely neglecting him leading to serious injury. However he was more cautious and originally gave half yearly updates and photos but this led to her being manipulative and trying to locate him and at one point trying to snatch him. Sadly she is now in prison on other charges but my uncle has always taught his kids about where they are from as much as is suitable for their age. He's in process of adopting a 4th that he has fostered for about 6 years. This kid is older at 12 and is still in contact with his dad, my aunt and uncle are Ma & da, he is dad, dad visits regularly but can't have custody as his own medical issues make it unsafe and he requires supported housing and care. Mum wanted no contact due to her newer partner not wanting children and other issues. He was placed in care at 5 went through a few short placements before my uncle. My uncle understands his dad's needs mean that he can't parent fully but he's happy for him to be involved and often plans family days to include the man. The child asked my uncle about adoption after the mum tried to request he was moved further away to another foster family after she bumped into child in street with my uncle. They fought for this boy who by then was part of the family. Mum had no wish to be involved by didn't want to see him. So hoped moving him further away would mean she didn't bump into him and that his dad wouldn't see him either her way of having both put of her life. It was hard going but court agreed with my uncle that as the kid was placed successfully for so long and was happy as well as maintaining a relationship with his dad. Moving him would be cruel and not in his interests so has authorised the adoption to go ahead without her agreeance which is now in final stages. Dad agreed to sign.

As you can see there are a lot of different situations adopted kids come from so it may well be that the adopters plan on informing your grandson about his past when they can. They may not. But it's always worth reaching out and asking social services or the adoption agency to pass on a letter. Even if the best they will do is put your letter in a box until he's old enough to make his mind up.

Some brilliant ideas here. A memory box that you keep ready for him contacting you in the future is a great idea.
I would think you should keep it manageable and regular rather than starting with a lot of things and running out of ideas and steam as the years go by and not being able to keep up the same level of enthusiasm as the years go by.
A letter every birthday perhaps, telling about what you and the family have done over that year, a bit like the round robins sent at Christmas but more personal. That will show that you were thinking about him and how his family changed and developed over the years.
A couple of photos for each year too. Any family history type events- newspaper cuttings, certificates his dad got from school or sports and photos of you and your family and dad growing up. Things he might want to know about that you might not remember when you do see him in the future. Also any medical things in the family… it’s medical stuff or the birth of their own children that often causes a child to seek out their birth family if they haven’t done so earlier.
I’d also go with a bank account rather than little gifts. The letters will show how much you think of them regularly, gifts will become harder, less personal as they grow and you realise that you are unaware of their tastes and interests. That will make it so much harder for you to keep up with the box - and you do need to think about your own needs as well as his.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do and sending you many 🫂

Dinahmo

Is there a way in which details of the child's birth family can be put into his/her records so that they are easily available if/when the child decides to search for them?

These stories are so sad and I hope that there can be some sort of resolution.

This happens now. In fact some children do see their birth families before they are 18.

I think a card each year. Also I would address the envelope with his name, but to your address and obviously a postage stamp. This would make a dated keepsake which may be received as an action of love. Lots of luck. I hope you meet him.

This is so hard for you and like everyone else I do feel for you. Even if this is not your biological grandchild, he is a child and you have concern for him. You could write to him once a year on his birthday, even though you cannot send this lengthening letter, unless he looks for you in the future. But also please consider finding a good therapist to help you now - this is a really painful and confusing time for you, and it would help you to find someone to listen and enable you to process it all. It won't go away, but you could become more accepting and less distressed with wise support.

A card or note is good, even a picture of his possible GPs at significant birthdays 50, 60 or events eg wedding anniversaries. Sure you will have considered the child may never make or want contact. Heartbreaking situation for you.

GrandMaLouise It's making me feel very sad reading your sad story of losing your GS. I lost my first-born GD&GS 11yrs ago through estrangement and yes, it is a living bereavement.

I hope you do a memory box for him. I did one for my GC & monies in a bank account for 6yrs, but stopped as it was time to try to mend my broken heart. I didn't think to put photos in, which is a brilliant idea, but I did write a small family update in their cards.

I thought it a good idea of Pilgrim about perhaps they would consider having an extra grandma. Some children without any grandparents 'adopt' a local older lady without AC&GC, so great for them all.

Good luck

That is awful 3nanny6. I don't know why they can't allow a few visits per year from grandparents, especially those like you that have been in their grandchild's life for 6yrs.

Oh dear, this is making me feel sadder & sadder. I have a pair of little pink socks of my GD, left behind from when she lived with me. I have them in a little silk purse along with a little Bible. I would hold this in my palms every night before getting into bed and pray to God to see her again. It then lay under my pillow.