Grandson has been adopted - memory box ideas?

That's very encouraging Sam1965. Would Child be allowed an extra Granny, I wonder? When two people both with children marry there are lots of grandparents. Maybe there is hope for contact? Lots of really lovely suggestions here. Thoughts and prayers for all the sadness in this thread💕

Two of my DGC are adopted, sister and brother 20 months apart. DGD2 is in touch with her birth family, not entirely to her benefit, DGS refuses to acknowledge them. Having brought them up with a version of the truth it is best to leave it to the children concerned to decide what they want and need to know. I suspect that the need to know and becoming a parent are often closely related.

Is there a way in which details of the child's birth family can be put into his/her records so that they are easily available if/when the child decides to search for them?

These stories are so sad and I hope that there can be some sort of resolution.

Welcome Photos of family events, photos of you growing up so he can see his roots. Photos of your son as a child. Photos speak a thousand words.

it will go with him. It’s very different now.
Adoption is very open and Child will be made aware of who they are and where they come from no secrets like the old days.

not any more …

I too find these situations heartbreaking and my thoughts are with those concerned. The idea of a memory box with letters and cards, should those children coming looking eventually, sounds wonderful.

I would buy a glass Xmas decoration every year for him. If he gets in contact when he is 18 there will be an entire set of Xmas baubles to go on his Xmas tree. Put a little tag on each one to say which year you bought it for him. Along with a birthday card with thoughtful words. I really hope he gets in contact with you.

Maybe a birthday card and Christmas card, with a cheerie letter telling him what you have been doing throughout the year.

GrandmaLouise you would have to contact the adoption people and maybe they can let you know whether the adoptive family would be receptive to the idea. The children have probably already got a memory box but the new family may not be using it.
I'd suggest a simple short letter or post card, perhaps with a photo of you and your grandson together, if you have one? They would not permit any identifying things such as addresses. I doubt that a birthday present would be permitted though that depends on the new parents.

what a lovely thing to do… I’m a Foster Carer and one of the most important things you could do for your grandson is a photo album of his dad when he was a child his dad when he was grown up and your family.
A funny memory of him, your hopes and dreams for his future.
You are his grandma you’ve claimed yourself as his grandma and that’s all that matters… He’s growing up Family will be grateful for the memories that you’ve put in the little memory box

Just to say that my heart goes out to you. I hope he does contact you when he is older, and letting a box of memories and treasures for him will mean the world to him.
Even if there is a doubt that he’s not your biological grandson, do it. He may well be so. More love is needed in the world, and your actions and thoughts will add to it

Flossieturner

Have you checked that will be able to receive gifts. As far as I am aware it is in the child’s best interest to cut contact with the birth family.

I don't think that is is settled whether it is better if contact with the birth family should be kept or not, but I do know that it is up to the adoptive family to choose whether contact can be made, in discussion with social workers. My daughter feels that it is better for them to meet with their birth family so that they don't feel they are being kept apart and problems arise when they are 18 and can have access to their records.
Two of my grandchildren (siblings) were adopted into our family and my daughter takes them once a year to see their birth mother, and also sends photos and letters once a year. This year they have also met their birth father and his parents.
My daughter only lets them send presents, photos or cards to the children once a year.
As regards a memory box, our local adoption department did keep various things such as photos of the parents, and small gifts sent to the children. My daughter adds small things that the birth family send to her.

GrandmaLouise

I won't have any contact. It would be something I keep until he got in touch when old enough. I'm 45 now so I'd be 62 if he ever made contact. I'd just want him to know we did care. We tried for custody but our living arrangements weren't suitable. My son walked away as they split up after he was born. I kept in touch with mum, she said he was my son's but is reported in social services notes as being highly manipulative and deceitful. So I don't know, am I prolonging the agony of holding onto this for 18 years not knowing

Grandma Louise, this message really moved me. I feel sad for you and your little grandson, even though he's totally unaware and I'm sure he will be loved and cared for by his new family. But I think you should do this memory box FOR YOU, as you described. You are not at fault, you are a victim of horrible circumstances and you have a right to build a little set of mementoes for yourself to enable you to keep hold of him in a way. You may have the chance to decide whether he gets the box or not at some point in the future and if that chance were to come and you had nothing to share with him, you might really regret it. The only reason you should choose not to do this is if you feel it is not helping or worse, damaging you.

Love and hugs to you.

Grandma Louise, my DH was adopted as a baby but it was never a secret. After a health scare when he was asked about family medical history he decided to search for his birth mother. He was 59 at time and did so with his adopted mum’s blessing. He got in contact with her quite quickly, he now enjoys a relationship I can’t say close because she’d moved to the other end of the country, but it gives him an identity he never had before so don’t give up hope that some day you’ll meet your grandson.

Do whatever will bring you least pain
I have seen this sort of situation drag on and be agony for those who are emotionally involved but have no power
He is hopefully in good hands now
If there is no harm to you in getting cards and little gifts fine

I didn't see my paternal family when I was young as my Dad just walked away and didn't look back. My grandmother was 103 when I say her for the first time in 43 years, my brother was in his 30's and my sister was just turning 30. The thing I found most difficult was that they all had memories of times growing up together so all the most important things that happened in their lives were a mystery to me. So many of those things gave context to the people they were. Maybe you could keep a diary of the things that are happening in your family's lives. Birthday cards are a great start but information will be key to integration if your adopted grandchild wants that.

3nanny6

Dear GrandMaLouise I can imagine your sadness in regard of your grandson it is heart-wrenching to feel the loss because basically even a one year old child is still one of the family. I felt a little connection to you although my story is a little different. I have not put anything on Gransnet about my grandson as yet as I am just coming to terms with the loss of him which took it's toll on my health. My handsome wonderful grandson was put forward for adoption about 18 months ago at the time he was aged 6 years and so I had time to already know him and spent precious time with him. he was in foster care for almost one year and although I tried hard to get him it just did not happen as social services said no. I visited him in a centre for almost a year and last year a few weeks after his sixth birthday he was placed with the adopters . It has been the most difficult year of my life and it is only in the last few weeks I feel like the darkest clouds have been lifted from my day to day living. It was his seventh birthday two weeks ago and I have started his Memory box, I done him his birthday card and a letter all appropriate for his age and kept the letter in a positive vibe as my only hope is that one day he will want to look for his birth family. I am late sixties now and although in average health I am unsure how many years I still have on the clock so to speak I am going to do him a Birhtday card each year and a letter, also a Christmas card and letter. I will think of some themed ideas about small gifts also as yet I have not put a gift in with the birthday card. I will have no more contact with him only the letterbox contact once a year between myself and the adoptive family although it will be up to them what they wish to tell him about birth family however I try to stay positive as that is all I can do although I do have a little cry about him sometimes I distract myself and keep going. I do wish you well GrandMaLouise and hope your grandson has gone to a loving family which I pray everyday mine has. Take care 3nanny6

Thank you for sharing your story with us x I pray your grandson is in an amazing family too x
Even worse for you if you were in his life until he was 6! The mum was still pregnant when social services got involved, she was told she couldn't keep him if she carried on drinking (they did hair tests, put her in rehab) and if she stayed with my son (he was given courses to do but he didn't finish then all) (there was domestic abuse both ways). They knew he wouldn't go home with them. My son was there for the birth and then split up and he was adamant he would take the baby as she was a drinker, multiple court cases anyway it wasn't meant to be for either of them. The mum did contact visits, my son did one but apparently ignored the baby (he was probably two weeks old so didn't need total interaction) and just chatted to the social services worker. He complained the room was too small and it was awkward so he didn't go again. My main issue I guess is that he's moved away for a clean start, we barely speak, but he's got his next girlfriend pregnant, who I have never spoke to, posted it to Facebook, it's how I found out, his ex also saw this and is understandably angry over it that he's just carrying on with his life. No doubt in my mind she will have reported him to social services, I have asked him and he's said they haven't been in touch so I don't know if he will get to keep the new baby or whether the whole thing will repeat.

Lovemylife

As Madeleine says, he may not attempt to find his birth family until he’s much older than 18 or even not at all. Many of the adopted ‘children’ we see on tv are often middle aged, perhaps out of loyalty to their adopted family. Although with so many of the population doing dna tests it is easier to be found nowadays. If not directly, but through a relative.

As an adoptee, I think your idea of keeping a photo of yourselves each year would be wonderful. Perhaps with an explanation? Eg. This is us camping in Spain/building the shed/wedding anniversary etc. Great talking points too if you able to meet up one day.

I wish you well.

I love those photo ideas 🥰

pascal30

I have a grandson who I only saw when he was one.. his mother disappeared with him and we have had no contact since. There was some talk of him not being my son's child as well. I have always loved him and thought of him. I am leaving him a healthy chunk of money in my will and hope my executors can find him.. I think a box with photos and cards would be lovely..

It's the not knowing that's hurts so much. I feel.like I'm grieving but he's not dead. Grieving for a grandson I don't even know is mine. I did think about taking a lock of his hair to do DNA with but realised social worker in room would see

Chocolatelovinggran

I think that madeleine has given good advice here GrandmaLouise. I am the proud grandmother of a little boy adopted by my son and DIL as a baby and he brings us all joy every day. However, I am ever mindful that our gain comes at someone 's loss. I hope that brings you some comfort.

That does bring comfort, and we were originally looking at fostering him for 26 weeks and we were turned down. So I can imagine how gruelling it must be for the people adopting! I just hope he's happy somewhere. As much as I liked his mum, she had a lot of issues which she hid well, so convincing she had stopped drinking and would get him back. I dread to think how I'd be feeling if she did get custody as I imagine I wouldn't be allowed to see him if she did.

madeleine45

I can understand how difficult it is for you. My sons first wife left him with his little boy, moved away, wouldnt accept any contact from us with our grandson and then after a year moved abroad and we have had no contact since then. I am now a widow and can only hope that when he is an adult he will try to get in touch. So my suggestions are ; perhaps you could get a birthday card for each year and could y ou put a photo of yourselves that you take on that day too? If you have a particular hobby, gardening or fishing or whatever a picture of you involved in that would be good. If he gets in touch then he will be able to see where you lived and what you were doing and how you looked over the years and it would show him that you never forgot him.
Also there could sadly be the possibility that he may not think to look for y ou at 18 but it could be many years before something sets him onto wanting to trace his origins and birth family. So that even if he only found out this information in his 60's , he could see what you were like and have that knowledge that you never forgot him.
Again from a practical point of view, perhaps you could put a small sum of money on his birthday in an account , with a building society or bank in your own name, but which you know is meant for him, and you could tell your son where it is for the future.
My own son is adopted , and so I can see this from both sides . We have never made a secret of this fact and his name is Daniel , which means "the chosen one" and when he was grown up we were able to help him find out what he wanted to about his birth family. I do think photographs over the years will be treasured , if and when he gets in touch, and in any case you will be able to look back over the years and remind yourself what you were doing at that time. Or you could get a small photo album and each year put the picture into that. Again when he comes to find his past, it will show him that he was still always part of your family and was never forgotten. Best wishes

Lovely ideas there! The savings account is a good one I'm going to do!
And unlike the ideas about hobbies, I like plants so for me I might buy one of those plant decorative things each year and put them in my plants, and take a photo of it x
I don't even know if his name will be on paperwork etc as she didn't tell him she was registering his birth so my son isn't on it so whether any of us will be known to him when he's old enough who knows

Adopted children have a Life Story book, in which their birth family are named and pictured. The idea is that this is read with the child over the years and the child's questions are answered honestly and with compassion and understanding.
I hope that this helps grandmothers who have had grandchildren adopted.

What heartbreaking stories.
I think there have been some lovely suggestions here.
I have no advice but just wanted to say I'm thinking about you all 😥 💐

Dear GrandMaLouise I can imagine your sadness in regard of your grandson it is heart-wrenching to feel the loss because basically even a one year old child is still one of the family. I felt a little connection to you although my story is a little different. I have not put anything on Gransnet about my grandson as yet as I am just coming to terms with the loss of him which took it's toll on my health. My handsome wonderful grandson was put forward for adoption about 18 months ago at the time he was aged 6 years and so I had time to already know him and spent precious time with him. he was in foster care for almost one year and although I tried hard to get him it just did not happen as social services said no. I visited him in a centre for almost a year and last year a few weeks after his sixth birthday he was placed with the adopters . It has been the most difficult year of my life and it is only in the last few weeks I feel like the darkest clouds have been lifted from my day to day living. It was his seventh birthday two weeks ago and I have started his Memory box, I done him his birthday card and a letter all appropriate for his age and kept the letter in a positive vibe as my only hope is that one day he will want to look for his birth family. I am late sixties now and although in average health I am unsure how many years I still have on the clock so to speak I am going to do him a Birhtday card each year and a letter, also a Christmas card and letter. I will think of some themed ideas about small gifts also as yet I have not put a gift in with the birthday card. I will have no more contact with him only the letterbox contact once a year between myself and the adoptive family although it will be up to them what they wish to tell him about birth family however I try to stay positive as that is all I can do although I do have a little cry about him sometimes I distract myself and keep going. I do wish you well GrandMaLouise and hope your grandson has gone to a loving family which I pray everyday mine has. Take care 3nanny6