Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

‘out’ not ‘ou’, 🙄

Notjustaprettyface

Hello everyone
I was looking after my sons little girl aged 18 months and my daughters boy aged 5 and his sister aged 4
The 18 month old was not staying to sleep
I regret smacking my GS , I just lost it
I was on my own
It was not a special occasion, my daughter expects a sleepover once a month for her children
I also look after them 2 days a week while she works and am now looking after the ( year old for 3 days because school is out
I do think 3 little children is too much for my daughter, I don’t think she copes well

If your daughter can’t cope with her own children how does she expect you to?
Seriously, wouldn’t it be an idea for you to help her ou in their own home when she’s not at work?

So even having not seen the little one all week she wanted him to have a sleepover. The poor thing must have felt as though she was deserting him. Not a nice situation for you, but I don't really understand why she isn't talking to you.

Your grandson needs cuddles and hugs! Your daughter is being totally unreasonable, her children need her.
Her attitude is not acceptable.
Your house. Your rules.
Simples

why do people have kids, give them to other people to look after and then get upset when things don't work out as they want? their kids and their responsibility. If the husband was around , why did he not help?

I think we are still missing some relevant information.

OP's daughter has 3 children 5,4 & 18m.
The 18m mentioned is their cousin. OP's son's child.
Where was the daughter's 18m child? If that child was with its parents why were the older 2 staying with the OP?

They are your grandchildren discuss with your daughter how she would handle that situation you may not agree with how they do it but they are the parents

I think you might talk to your daughter about when all 3 children are home you might take the baby or one of the children to make it easier for her and better for the children.

I so agree Doodledog - I could have written your post.
Yes 3 children, 2 of them under 4 is a lot - when we had our children we were 40+ years younger.
As grans we need to be honest with our AC and with ourselves about our capabilities. There can always be crises when on granny duty single handed - I wonder if OP manages on a daily basis?
I am still confused as to OP’s regular childcare commitment, but that’s her business and not for us to judge either her or her daughter. I took this to be a regular sleepover for two children- not sure why the cousin was there too or indeed where the D’s youngest was, it is all unclear.
However, smacking a GC is never good, falling out irrevocably helps nobody and OP needs to talk to her D ,and be prepared to eat humble pie if they are to get the relationship back.

How sad. Sad that your daughter spends so little time with her children. And sad that you were expected to cope with a very upset five year old who just wanted his mum

I wonder just how selfish a lot of parents are. Yesterday in Sainsburys, we watched two little girls, probably 8 & 6yrs, running rings around their poor grandad. They were tearing round the shop, dictating to grandad what they wanted. He looked desperate, and muttered to me, “it’s only day 1 of 6 weeks holiday”. My heart went out to him.

Newdawn

Doodledog..have you ever looked after two small children and a baby. The little boy had been, I think, to a play scheme which would have been with strangers, so unsettling and he wanted his mum.I absolutely don't agree with physical punishment but if a five year old hits you it is,though not desirable, forgiveable if in the moment you tap him on the bum. The op sounds like a loving, caring grandmother.

Yes, I have - several times - but I'm unclear as to why you are asking me about this.

My comments were about the lack of information until near the end of the thread (at which point I said that I would have edited had we not cross-posted), the fact that the OP was very clearly criticising her daughter's parenting choices (eg the plays days) on the Internet, which I found uncomfortable, and that under no circumstances is hitting a child acceptable. I also pointed out that people were jumping to conclusions about the daughter based on the very partial information given by the OP. I never once said that she is not loving or caring to the grandchildren - maybe you haven't bothered to read the thread before jumping on me, or perhaps you are mixing me up with someone else?

Why are people insisting that this was a 'tap'? How would a 'tap' deter a child from doing anything? People change vocabulary and use euphemisms to cover for things that they regret or feel bad about. The OP used the word 'smack' later in the thread, which is still a euphemism, but probably closer to reality than 'tap'. And it's not up to any of us to 'forgive' it (or otherwise).

Oh I've been there but I never called my daughter/son back. I agree, it takes some time to calm down an angry and sad child but up untill now I've always managed. Lots of cuddles, extra stories, promisses for fun stuff to do next day etc. Grandson is 7, his cousins grandson (5)and granddaughter (1.10) (siblings). So yes, sometimes full house. I never hit them though, not even a light slap on their bum.

She can’t cope with her own 3 but doesn’t think it’s too much for you to be left with 3 young children? She had two days off work when he was in an activity club and then you’re having them overnight . Think she’s taking advantage of you , need some boundaries. Great to spend quality time with Grandchildren or help out when parents working but this sounds too much. This is not about disciplining the children but the parent .

i have just finished looking after my 2 year old grandson after 18 months, it was totally exhausting, but i did not regret a minute of it.mum is off for 1 year ,it will be of interest if im asked to babysit again? I'm unsure if i will be able to do it, owing to long covid/fatigue problems,also im not sure if i want to do it.Ive asked friends who have babysat, the same response every time, tiring, but love them to bits! I say good on you super grandparents ,but most of us are exhausted by them, to look after 3, phew.Id be at my wits end,hope an easier situation can be found.

Doodledog..have you ever looked after two small children and a baby. The little boy had been, I think, to a play scheme which would have been with strangers, so unsettling and he wanted his mum.I absolutely don't agree with physical punishment but if a five year old hits you it is,though not desirable, forgiveable if in the moment you tap him on the bum. The op sounds like a loving, caring grandmother.

Don't blame yourself at all. Your daughter is really out of order. I look after two small grandchildren and it is very hard especially when it is for a couple of days and they miss their parents. I would be less obliging to your daughter...she will then realise how lucky she is to have you. Many young mums have no family support. You are a good granny.

Child ran after mums car!!!!! Needs huggs not hitting

Notjustaprettyface - would you ever tell your daughter that you had come to grandsnet for advice? If you would then it might be useful to cut and paste some of the answers because these provide evidence of the norm- of some benchmarking in the whole business of daughters relying on their parents to care for their children while they themselves work.

Also how is the 18 month old child a cousin - is this another daughter’s child or a son’s child? And does that daughter or son know of the care load you have with the other two gcs? Tapping on the bottom is a no go but restraining a child who is kicking you is the right way forward otherwise you are enabling that behaviour. Children’s appreciation of the consequences of undesirable behaviour doesn’t arrive overnight and is borne from a consistent approach which should include sanctions because in the real adult world that’s what happens but the sanctions must be appropriate. Is your daughter’s mental health OK? Does she have support from her partner? Her reliance upon you is very substantial. She needs to be alerted to that. Who stops talking to their mother who’s caring for their children overnight?

Parents child free in Bahamas with grandparents free care are now not talking to you? Unbelievable

I can't offer any advice just sympathy as Im in exactly the same position. Babysat 2 gc girls, 12 and 3 for 4 days after another friend of the family had them for first 3 days of the week. They were already fractious and missing M & D by the time I took over. Went from bad to worse with 12 y/o reporting back on me to parents on her own phone. Parents are now not speaking to me over "poor quality and lack of" wattsapp messages. They were in Bahamas so couldn't help so when I did message and send pics (every day) I said everything was fine so as not to ruin their holiday. Obvs older gd was reporting differently. Sad as needless to say I won't be doing it again.

I would be having a word with my daughter if she acted as yours did, of course he’s going to want his mum poor little lad so it’s your fault and she won’t speak to you, how childish is she! She finds it hard to cope so puts the kids in daycare for two days, she doesn’t want to talk to you as she says YOU have let her down. Wow! Your fault! Talk about passing the buck.. it’s hard when you are older looking after small children you sound as if you were trying to help, I wouldn’t have smacked him though! Probably tired and wanted a cuddle from his mum. Totally agree with Sleepygran.

Notjustaprettyface
You don’t mention your age, but I think that looking after three young children is too much for your daughter to expect from you. Are the in-laws not able to share the childcare? I always looked forward to being at home with our two when they were little. I certainly
wouldn’t have sent them to daycare. Couldn’t afford it anyway!!
I would agree with previous comments that cuddles and distractions are the best solutions to calm things down.

Looking after three such young children is quite a lot for you to do, their parents don't sound very appreciative.

My small grandson is 5 and sometimes makes a fuss when left with me in the morning - I take them to school or an activity club most days. He usually stops quickly after she has left, it does sound as if your grandson is feeling pretty neglected.

If my grandchildren misbehave I don't really discipline them, that's a parent's job. They know very wellwhat they can and can't do here and calm down pretty quickly. Their mother (my daughter) and I both have much the same rules, though she puts up with a lot more rowdiness than I do.
She rarely leaves them with me when she has a day off, unless she's exhausted, has to nip out to the shops or has an unexpected work call (she works from home).

Your dd puts the kids in daycare for her 2 days off as she finds it hard to cope,what about you?
Poor little chap just wants time with his mum,not hard to understand.im sure he loves being with you too but mama is and always should be,number,one,in his world and he’s missing her.