Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

‘out’ not ‘ou’, 🙄

Is your daughter upset as you agreed to have the children and then gave your time to their cousin?

Newdawn

Doodledog..have you ever looked after two small children and a baby. The little boy had been, I think, to a play scheme which would have been with strangers, so unsettling and he wanted his mum.I absolutely don't agree with physical punishment but if a five year old hits you it is,though not desirable, forgiveable if in the moment you tap him on the bum. The op sounds like a loving, caring grandmother.

OP is, I'm sure, loving, that is not the question. However she was watching too many small children. Full stop. I'll not make excuses for taps/smacks whatever one calls physical punishment as I find it abusive.

Unfortunately I've looked after many small children and babies at the same time. Do I think that's a good idea? No. Do I do it on demand? No, for emergencies. Do I think it was easier when our first GC were born whilst we were 39 and 41? Yes. Would I ask our children to return to care for their own child? Yes as it appears there was no real reason for him to be in OPs home.

My goodness. You certainly have your hands full.
I think it’s too much to ask of you, really.
Well behaved or not.

Your daughter is taking advantage of you and it sounds to me your grandson was experiencing separation anxiety.
I experienced exactly the same thing with my now eight year old when he was a baby.

Obviously, he wants his mum and I think she is being selfish by leaving the kiddies for so long.
Maybe she’s not coping well, but it really shouldn’t fall on you.

I wouldn’t dream of smacking my grandchildren.! I think that is awful really . No child should be hit surely.

I couldn't do what some of you lovely grans do. I am fine with a couple of pre-schools for a few hours if they are well behaved and one of mine was and one definitely not. The latter (now ten) still stretches everyone's patience though we love her to bits. DDs in-laws are much better at it than us. I'm well aware that over-tired kiddies can be hard work so I know I'm not good with that. I suppose I'm a fair-weather gran but my DD knows it. In any case she wouldn't ask me to do more than a small amount of childcare.

The thought of three under 5s would fill me with terror.

However, the in-laws are now restricted due to his declining health and her refusal to drive so we have been put to service ferrying GC to their various activities. It suits us well and we have some lovely conversations in the car.

I think the OP had too much to cope with and it would be best if she discussed a lighter commitment with her DD - and not feel bad about doing so.

Cressida

I think we are still missing some relevant information.

OP's daughter has 3 children 5,4 & 18m.
The 18m mentioned is their cousin. OP's son's child.
Where was the daughter's 18m child? If that child was with its parents why were the older 2 staying with the OP?

All a bit muddled

I think you did the right thing xxx
Of course we shouldn’t use physical punishment - but it’s so easy to say cuddle them in and offer a safe calm environment - which we all should do but sometimes our children leave us to cope and when we try to do the right thing we get over whelmed too - your DD should talk to you or how can you move on ?
You gave to do what’s in the Dgc and your best interests …

I agree

I understand that some mums have to work but I don’t think putting your children in an activity club on your days off is fair to these YOUNG children. It’s also not fair to grandma to have them for 3 days then expect to have them over night. The children must come first. Grandma got frustrated and the situation caused the little boy to have fear of NOT being with his main attachment figure (the Mum) and of course he could go only one thing, hit out. He can’t, at that age verbalise his fear but smacking him, even lightly, teaches HIM to do that next time. I don’t agree with any corporal punishment. The mother should take her child rearing responsibilities seriously. The grandma is much older and having 3 kiddies to handle all day for 3 days is exhausting. She’s the grandma not the mother. The mother seems rather blind, even immature not putting her children or her mother’s feelings before her own. Handling one child with feeding, another just being in the room needing attending to PLUS seeing the five year old running after the car would push any grandma to desperation. She just could not cope. And why should she. Children if 5 and less are still so so dependant in their main attachment figure and he knew on one level his mum was going off AGAIN leaving him behind. Distraction can work but if the child is so distressed the grandma did the right thing for the little boy at least. He needed his mum. This is a huge issue, always is when expectations and responsibilities are vague. Ultimately, if at any point the children can be with their mum, they should be. Not put in activity clubs. It’s a cop out. Some mothers just do not take seriously THEIR responsibility as a mother and not lovingly consider the burden out in grandma. We all have our own opinions. Sorry to go on in such a jumbled way.

I agree with you doodledog

I have to say I’m shocked how many here think a “tap” or “smack” on the bum is understandable and forgivable. I’d be very angry if I were the daughter. I’d be taking a time out to calm down before discussing with my mother. Not to punish her but to not say something I’d regret.

Re daughters care options and “not coping”, we don’t know why she had her child at day care, and we only have OPs word that she doesn’t think her daughter copes well. She doesn’t seem to think well of her daughter at all.

Of course we shouldn’t use physical punishment - but it’s so easy to say cuddle them in and offer a safe calm environment - which we all should do but sometimes our children leave us to cope and when we try to do the right thing we get over whelmed too

Indeed we do which is why you leave the child where you can watch them so they are safe. We are adults and we wouldn't hit another adult if we are overwhelmed so I see no reason to hit a child in the same circumstances.

You are a slave - and treated badly at that!!

Doodledog I think you are being very hard on Justaprettyface! Three children of their ages would be quite a handful for anyone. It would be bad enough for a day, but overnight too is just too much.
Is this a regular thing? Is Justaprettyface a sprightly 60 year old?
It sounds as though the tap on the bottom was just that and only a reflex response. It’s not like a spanking.
I think the daughter sent her husband because she’s feeling guilty about the whole thing. My sympathy is with Justaprettyface.

Have you read the whole thread. Buffy?

Speaking bluntly, what makes your family think it’s ok to dump their children on you? You’ve let no one down….it sounds to me that your grandson needed to be with your daughter and if it was me, I’d keep firmly to that line and not let any future discussion to centre around your response to his distress. My guess is your daughter is being defensive as she really realises where she’s gone wrong. I think it’s her that needs to apologise and suggest that it’s all put behind you, that the sleepover was ill timed and that it’s best forgotten about.
Personally, I am fed up with this notion that grandparents always would love to look after the grandchildren just so the parents can continue with their selfish lives. We have brought up families and some people don’t want to start doing it all over again, by constantly babysitting.
Let her know how you feel and I wouldn’t be at all apologetic about it…..and see what transpires. Good luck.

Norah

Oldbat1

I cant believe or understand the predicaments folk get themselves into. I would not allow myself to be used in this way! Folk choose to have children then it is entirely their responsibility to parent properly.

Indeed.

I didn't impose our children on mum, I went with to do the work. Likewise I expect our children to care for theirs, I'm not one to take on work.

Others responsibilities are not my problems. Repeating that to oneself often - is a brilliant way to keep chaos away. Why ask for troubles?

great pragmatic, sensible attitude Norah

I just want to say you poor thing what an awful set of circumstances, there’s lots of good advice here, but don’t beat yourself up, it’s not your fault.

If the children are at my house without their parents, my rules apply, and I will discipline them as necessary.

Once their parents appear, then the responsibility is transferred to them.

I don't think anyone owed anyone an apology in either direction. A plan was made, it didn't work out for no one's fault, and the plan had to be changed for the sake of a child's wellbeing. There may not be a problem with them in holiday activities - kids go through clingy phases for many developmental reasons.

I think that your children are expecting too much of you and you should tell them that looking after 3 little ones overnight is unreasonable.
However, hitting a child is never the answer and is breaking the law in Wales!

If your daughter is having trouble coping with 3 children maybe she has post partum depression.
I had that when my AC were small, I was lucky to have my parents able to look after my children on my bad days. Counselling was a definite help.
I now have 8 grandchildren and have 2 on a permanent basis and look after another daily while my DD works. Occasionally I have 3 others for sleep overs. They get disciplined while here as it's Nan's house Nan's rules. I realize not all grandparents want to do this. When my GC misbehave it's dealt with here. I may or maynot tell the parents depending on what it was.
I totally understand OP calling the parents to come and get the boy if he wasn't settling, I have had to get my own children from sleep overs often very late at night. I wouldn't expect the person hosting to deal with them.

I think you took on too much there., but your intentions were good in that you were really trying to help your daughter and care for your grandchildren in the best way you could. There's nothing wrong with saying you wanted to help but that it all became a bit too much.
It's up to your daughter to find a solution for next time. Perhaps it would be easier to care for your grandson and his sister without the cousin and to care for them in their own home next time (that's if you still want to).
Something else to think about: I really wouldn't "tap" your grandchildren if I were you. Perhaps it was just a reaction to feeling overwhelmed, rather than something you thought through, but I doubt your daughter would be fine with you doing that. I'm sure she must be grateful you're trying to help out though, and as I've said, you had the best intentions.

Count yourself lucky and blessed. I've got 3 grandchildren that I don't see anymore. I've had them sleeping over since babies. They are now 3,4&5 and up until January, i quite often had all 3 over night. I'd do time, to beable have them back in our life's. Grandchildren are the most precious gift, regardless of their behaviour!

I am amazed at how unsympathetic some of the responses made here are! Looking after little kids is very hard. it is tiring and stressful and I have sometimes struggled looking after my 6yr old and 3 year old grandsons!
There is a point where asking grandma to look after the kids becomes exploitation- and we should all be clear about that!
If I texted my daughter to say her child was very upset- she would come to collect him! As she should!