Disrespectful daughter and son in law

GrauntyHelen

Define respect because to me it sounds like you expect unending gratitude and praise for all the help you clearly resent giving If that's the case you probably also expect to comment on their life and decisions too Your daughter bis sick of being made to feel how that does and has taken that power from you I expect she's on Mumsnet and was advised to go no or low contact

This ^

I was less than articulate asking if you were keeping score. It seems as if you expect a lot on praise for? every thing, which you willingly thrust upon your daughter. Leave well enough alone and wait silently.

I, too, suspect D is fast heading towards no contact.

Between the lines I read '...after all I've done for you...' and perhaps that is the problem. Could it be that you were possessive with the children? They have enough money for childcare... did you pester them to keep the children, apart from after-school, so you would have contact? Cut your loses, and be thankful that you enjoyed the children up until now.

You don’t say how old the children are but it could be that they have asked to do other things during the holidays, it’s not disrespectful at all, your daughter has made other arrangements, don’t stew over it just get on with your life.

I’d just say ‘OK, no problem. See you soon’

Then maybe in three weeks or so, ask if she’d like you to take the kids to the beach/zoo/whatever for an afternoon. Worst case scenario she says ‘no’ but at least you’d be keeping in touch.

I learnt a v painful lesson with my parents; you can love someone but not like them.

Perhaps the son in law has a big chip on his shoulder. Is his manly pride wounded by his father in law's show of competence with home improvements?

Are his parents in a position to offer similar help?

I’d just leave it, what is there to say? It’s up to them how they organise child care. It obviously feels like a bit of a snub at the moment, and obviously leaves you with time on your hands, and no opportunity to spend time with your grand children.

You don’t really have any idea what has brought this about, but I’m sure your help will be needed again at some point. Maybe your daughter felt you were being exploited?

Gosh is that really what we want for families? Generational issues?

Our own children and grandchildren experiencing that?

Far better to work together and have positive relationships to teach the children that is what is how it should be

Karma lady……you’ve given Amatino68 the best possible advice to be able to move through and overcome her miserable feelings……and remember, daughters eventually become middle age and then grow older, so when they receive the same kind of treatment from their own daughters and have to live with the same kind of hurt that she is feeling, only then will this daughter experience ‘what goes around comes around’.

I have a family member who worked as a gardener, they came and worked on our garden when we moved in (insisted) and I just didn't have the tools or ability to maintain it so every time they came over it became something they complained about... It was not fun

I thought that too knspol
We had "help" that we really didn't want. We didn't live close enough for it to be major things and both sets of grandparents worked- but we really didn't need help cleaning and tidying (for example) or mending things when they were on a visit.
🙄

I think you shouldn't expect any reward for giving, that's not the way it should work. Also I wonder if you're sure that the SIL actually wanted the 'help' given, maybe he saw it as some sort of intrusion into the life of his family. I also think that your DH's problem seems to be with SIL so why not speak to him directly instead of loading problems on to daughter?
Hope things settle down sooner rather than later.

I disliked a prospective son-in-law on sight! Selfish, lazy and disrespectful are only a few of the better words I thought of him.

However........ our daughter loved him so we bit our tongues and were charm personified. The couple married and we were fortunate to be in a position to be able to help them financially in a major way.

Twenty years later he 'willy-waggled', taking all of us for a ride and the couple are now divorced. Our instincts on that first meeting were correct and have been proved so. It cost us financially and emotionally but we like to think that 'we did the right thing'.

Having got all of the above out of my system, I would like to try to help the OP by advising that you should indeed say nothing to your daughter. Bite the bullet and smile when you next meet. It will annoy you intensely but smooth the family waters. If you want happiness for your daughter, your views are immaterial - that's what we told ourselves over and over. It certainly isn't easy but do what you feel for your child's happiness, even a grown-up one.

Let your daughter get over this tantrum and when it is the normal time for you to make contact do so without a care in the world. You may be hurting but rise above it. Her behaviour will soon be forgotten and hopefully you will be able to start anew.

If, however, her behaviour has changed fundamentally over the years with her husband you could gently raise the subject of her marital happiness. There could be a possibility that she is very unhappy which is why she is firing off at you - a safe target as fundamentally she knows you love her unconditionally. It may be that her husband is feeding her ideas against you as he is jealous of your relationship. Just a thought.

Wishing you a successful conclusion.

Edith81

I would go wOrdinarygirl’s advice. Txt back saying you’re glad she’s found alternative arrangements which now leaves you more time for yourself.

Could add to this and ask when is a good time for a family get together

I would go wOrdinarygirl’s advice. Txt back saying you’re glad she’s found alternative arrangements which now leaves you more time for yourself.

Thank you Allsorts.

I hope you're wrong GrauntyHelen. Going no contact over something like this isn't a solution, communication is the key but that's difficult to achieve if someone is difficult to talk too, and impossible if someone goes down the no contact route.

Sometimes it really is all the little things adding up which hurt relationships

With better communication that can often be avoided

Everyone in any relationship has a right to their boundaries because, no matter how our children are raised they often end up different to us and each other

I genuinely think this relationship can be saved but it will take work from everyone and the best way is to face problems together so that everyone gets what they need from the relationship

Amotimo, is it possible go have a chat with your daughter to stop all this getting out of hand. She is being very high handed just cutting you off as she has but you must rise above it. If she won’t meet with you for an informal chat to clear the air you have no alternative but to carry on as you are, send the odd text and pick the phone ask how how she is and her family. It takes both of you to fall out, she seems to want to but you can just wait and see. Be light about it. Don't be manipulated.
Take no notice on the comments from the person who thinks all mil are the devils handmaidens. Girls usually turn into their mothers in the end. Sons we raise obviously not such a bad job as their wives fell for them. I think jealousy plays a big part in these fallouts.
Smileless I too agree with your posts you are not judgemental but fair.

You raised her. Did you treat her with respect? Maybe invite them out for dinner somewhere public so emotions are kept in check and have a respectful conversation.

This is not about 'a cup of tea'.

No, it is a mere detail but those little details make up the larger problem which then becomes insurmountable.

Are you, perhaps, keeping score rather than just freely being generous?

In one way or another, several posters have wondered this (including myself) so maybe, without meaning to, you are giving your son-in-law and daughter a similar impression. Whenever there is a family breakdown, neither side is usually blameless and I think it is really important to look at where we might have contributed to the situation and take responsibility to that. Just as an example, with the cup of tea, your son-in-law might have been thoughtless but your husband could have just said something like, "2 sugars in mine please," with a smile just to remind SIL that he needed a drink too. Maybe after that, your SIL would have remembered your husband when he made the tea.

I can see why you are unhappy with the way your daughter has acted with Social Media and it seems to me that this is the way the next generation deal with registering their hurt or anger. It is childish and as such, I try not to let it get under my skin too much. Just bide your time until tempers have soothed a little and then when you get an opportunity as if she would like to discuss what has gone wrong. Before you do that, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Are you trying to resolve the situation or point scoring to try to get validation for your feelings. It will only work if you are striving for resolution.

Define respect because to me it sounds like you expect unending gratitude and praise for all the help you clearly resent giving If that's the case you probably also expect to comment on their life and decisions too Your daughter bis sick of being made to feel how that does and has taken that power from you I expect she's on Mumsnet and was advised to go no or low contact

I honestly don't think that the desire to be shown a little appreciation and consideration is 'keeping score'. It's what the vast majority of us do in our adult relationships because we accept that not showing any appreciation or consideration is hurtful.

Regardless of whether or not GP's enjoy spending time with their GC which I'm sure the vast majority do, that doesn't alter fact that picking up from school and being prepared to have them during the school holidays is looking after them.

She’s cutting off her nose to spite her face but I’d take it as a win win situation as you can enjoy the summer doing what YOU want and not what she and her husband expect you to do.

I'd just say "Excellent, xxx, thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it."

I don't think it's anything to get exercised about - and frees you up.
👍

Amatino68

This is not about 'a cup of tea'. There were many, many instances where we have been very generous in both financially, helping out in emergencies, looking after their children,invited them to our property in Italy...... Introducing him to family abroad, and then upon the death of one the family nembers, whom he had met, he couldn't be bothered to offer his condolences.

Are you, perhaps, keeping score rather than just freely being generous? Nobody like score keeping, best to just move on being happy.

Amatino68

This is not about 'a cup of tea'. There were many, many instances where we have been very generous in both financially, helping out in emergencies, looking after their children,invited them to our property in Italy...... Introducing him to family abroad, and then upon the death of one the family nembers, whom he had met, he couldn't be bothered to offer his condolences.

"Looking after their children" This is the wrong outlook. Only offer what is the amount of time you would like to spend with the grandchildren. That relationship is about you enjoying your grandchildren, not doing favours or creating a burden for anyone.

Introductions to your family won't necessarily mean an emotional connection for him. You do not need to expect your SIL to reach out and give these condolences. Your daughter can speak for the marriage there.

Offering financial help, never give what you can't afford or what will be anything less than a gift, to be given with love.

All of these things you view differently to your Daughter and SIL and this is causing issues... They do not need to be an issue