Disrespectful daughter and son in law

@damaskrose

Ditto

Smileless2012

^Where is common courtesy^ where indeed Amatino.

I agree with this and all your previous posts Smileless.

@ violet sky
Sometimes people just reach out for a little kindness and understanding not to be judged or questioned.
None of us know what is really going on in any relationship but when someone is obviously hurting and needs a little sympathy we should reach out.
For this really isn’t just about cups of tea, that is merely a detail.
Compassion costs nothing x

Another example of this is having a daughter who is angry and crying in conversation. As much as that might be viewed as a negative I would look at it like, she still cares enough to react.

When your child stops reacting to family arguments in an emotional way, then things are very bad indeed

Take the time now to find out why she is angry and crying and how to change that for the better

Your child is now an adult. When you want a good relationship with an adult child that has to be a relationship that meets in the middle, your expectations and theirs both matters but need to be reasonable, with clear communication to find that middle it will be ok

This is not about 'a cup of tea'. There were many, many instances where we have been very generous in both financially, helping out in emergencies, looking after their children,invited them to our property in Italy...... Introducing him to family abroad, and then upon the death of one the family nembers, whom he had met, he couldn't be bothered to offer his condolences.

Amatino68

Just to correct the last post, my Sil regularly popped downstairs whilst my husband was decorating, and made tea just for himself. Where is common courtesy?

He is simply doing his own routine and busy working

You need to be careful here because from your opening post and comments this relationship is failing

It should be a strong enough relationship not to fall apart over tea

As a mother myself I am very different and I am more likely to make tea as a guest for everyone than sit and wait to be offered one... We are family, what we do for each other carries no expectations, it is just love freely given.

Some people in life do not show love the same way as we do and if we are going to put our expectations on them, we will hurt ourselves every time.

Where is common courtesy where indeed Amatino.

Just to correct the last post, my Sil regularly popped downstairs whilst my husband was decorating, and made tea just for himself. Where is common courtesy?

If you don't think it seems worth any kind of disagreement VS then stop disagreeing.

Smileless2012

Not wishing to argue VS but just wanted to point out that the OP's s.i.l. was working from home, so there's been no suggestion of anyone leaving their place of work to go home and make a cup of tea.

I disagreed with your post VS not because I wish to argue with you but simply because I disagree. I assume you are disagreeing with me rather than wanting to argue.

Smileless again the OPs SIL was working, it shouldn't matter where. People at work are being paid to work not make tea. I would respect that and make my own tea.

It doesn't seem worth any kind of disagreement because you and I have different levels of expectation when it comes to our own families.

As long as everyone here is trying to support the OP then the OP has lots of different options to listen to rather than you playing "Who is right" with a person who tells you on every thread you find them on... "No thank you"

Not wishing to argue VS but just wanted to point out that the OP's s.i.l. was working from home, so there's been no suggestion of anyone leaving their place of work to go home and make a cup of tea.

I disagreed with your post VS not because I wish to argue with you but simply because I disagree. I assume you are disagreeing with me rather than wanting to argue.

Silence is the best option I agree Amatino as well as standing back and waiting to see how things progress .

No one would expect someone away at work to return and make them tea, so expecting someone working at home to do that is not logical. They are working and should not be desturbed

Giving is for the recipient, if it is not appreciated but given anyway that is a controlling behaviour that needs to be addressed

If someone is angry and crying while talking to you then it would make sense to change the approach so that the situation doesn't occur or genuinely ask at a different calmer time how that can be achieved

When a relationship is breaking down in this way, it is always better to address what can be changed from the side of the person who is hurting about that.

Playing the blame game doesn't work, it destroys relationships. That is not what the OP wants

So that is my advice Smileless and as much as you might see that as an opportunity to argue, I see it as an opportunity to support a person hurting and that is not up for discussion

Thank you all for your advice, really appreciate it. Silence is the best option. I would like to mention that i have reached out on this forum as the only other person who is aware of all this is my son. He too is upset with her behaviour and has tried to sort things out. But she again lost her temper and was also angry that she was spoken to when her husband had left the room. My son advised her not to upset their father considering that in the past he had a heart attack. To that she responded 'Well I could get cancer!' Both my husband, my so and myself believe that her husband has brainwashed her. From now on we will stand back as time will tell.

Yes, but what does your p's.i.l. behaviour have to do with the OP Dinahmo.

You don't have to thank me for sharing my thoughts on your post VS, that is what this forum is for.

Thanks for sharing those thoughts on my comment to the OP Smileless

I don't agree with you so will leave it there

Smileless2012

how is this relevant to the OP Dinahmo?

Because the OP is about respect?

I wouldn't feel comfortable making myself a cup of tea when my offer to decorate two rooms had been accepted, my s.i.l. was there all the time working from home and hadn't offered me one.

I don't agree that the OP is putting a price on help and assistance given; when was a little appreciation too much to ask and when someone is understandably hurt when none is received, why is that keeping a tally?

The OP is unable to ask her D why she's angry and crying because she's angry and crying and difficult to talk too.

Your daughter was angry and crying?

I would be asking myself why

If I wanted a cup of tea I would be making myself one

You are treating this relationship like a barter system, you give things and expect respect... All your help has a price and you are keeping a tally of it

But it doesn't look like the emotional support that is needed is there and that is where respect in relationships really comes from

Let them get on with it, would be my advice. Say nothing.

ordinarygirl

reply- "I'm glad you have made arrangements for the care of the kids . This now means we can follow our interests. Hope you all have a great summer"

This ^^ completely covers everything.

Then remain silent, there's nothing to say.

how is this relevant to the OP Dinahmo?

My in laws - born pre WW1 thought that they were entitled to respect because of their age, not for anything that they had done. The thought that they had to earn respect was anathema to them. My DH's niece when she was 18 told them that if they did not stop criticising her she would no longer see them. That was a bit of a shock t them

You said in your OP that your D is difficult to talk too, loses her temper and cries, is this how she's always been or are these some of the changes you've noticed since she's been with your H?

I'm not sure that saying anything to her is going to be productive TBH, apart from letting her know you're happy to babysit your GS when needed.

I do suggest that you stop giving financial and practical assistance, outside of looking after your GS.

Personally I believe that my daughter started all this last year
when he second child was only 9 months old. She flew off the handle one day at me when she rang me to say that whilst with a friend having coffee, she phoned me to say that her daughter had fallen off a chair. Was she expecting me to rush there? From then on she decided not to speak to me, to the extreme that she deleted me from Whatsapp and FB. Unbeknown to me that had withdrawn my access to the app relating to her son's nursery. At the time I thought it was an admin error. On contacting the nursery to query this, they had no choice to fob me off. It later became apparent that both my daughter and son in law were in on it. It later transpired that as my daughter was no longer working, and therefore i was not collecting my grandson, that access to the app should be denied. My son in law ihas definitely changed my daughter and she doesn't see it. Apart from all this I am finding it really hardd to accept that I won't be able to see my 4 year old grandson happy smiling face when he used to run up to me on school pick ups. Childminders cannot offer the love and bond between grandchildren and their grandparents.