Disrespectful daughter and son in law

I think as we get older our younger family can take us for granted and treat us disrespectfully, and we need to be prepared to deal with this rather than just letting it go on.
Is like a good friend said to me, ‘when they’re too busy to be bothered with us we say it is because they have got their own lives, but when we are too busy to just to run to help them we get called rubbish parents.’
We have also put ourselves in the position where our grown children tend to think our lives should revolve around them and the grandkids, so we have started pulling back, going out for the day and not looking at our phones, booking a holiday without asking if they’d like to come along, small steps.
Of course we are still very much there for them but this does need to be a two way road, and a lot of the time it isn’t. They need reminding of this because time for us is much shorter and our health/energy levels are not what they were.
So please if any of you feel trapped by ungrateful adult children don’t just sit and take it. Let them know you also want to live your life.

Mt61

She will need you before you need her 😔

Or maybe she realises that she is taking advantage of you & hired help

She will need you before you need her 😔

It doesn't come across to me that the OP and her H have insisted on helping even though it wasn't wanted, forced themselves on their D and s.i.l. and is bitching about them to other family members Whethertomorrow.

It isn't helpful to make assumptions based on your own personal experience.

What is your daughter holding this view? What has happened? You are only giving half of the story in your post.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this, but you have laid down and been doormats for them to wipe their feet on.

Why offer to do jobs for them and then be cross they took advantage?

Why give them money and then get annoyed when they accept?

Your husband didn’t get offered a drink so why didn’t he ask for one?

How much complaining about them have you done to other family members? Could this have gotten back to your daughter and hence why they are pulling up the drawbridge?

It seems to me you offer with one hand and moan with the
other.

My horrible in laws did the exact same thing. They would insist on helping even when we didn’t want their help, force themselves on us and then bitch about us to the other family members.

You need to stop giving help and financial support and let the family ties ease, at least for a while.

Keep calm and quiet. Don’t rise to anything and let her calm down. Do something for yourselves.

I think money is a major cause of family discord. Sometimes it is used as a weapon. I am sometimes very glad I don't have much, but I do have a loving family that value what we have and never discuss money.
There really are more important things in life.
Also I would add that doing is not always caring, especially if it is done with the expectation of reward.

In my view you are being treated with a dose of contempt. Families are a minefield of feelings that are rarely explained with the result being bad feelings and resentment. I have had this behaviour from one of my daughters and it is ongoing. I just put up with it because I know it would lead to more problems if I said what I feel. I suggest you pull back from offering help on any level and get on with your own lives. If asked to help out think very carefully before you do as you can be certain their attitude to you and your help will never change. If you can’t cope with that attitude then I suggest you do the easy thing and make up excuses why you can’t. This method in families is called ‘avoiding trouble’ ! For all you folks whose family dynamics are trouble free, aren’t you fortunate!

When our daughter and son in law bought their first house, my husband had put up 15 new fences in their garden, during which my son in law would play war games on his computer. On another ocassion my husband lost his sister and two weeks later a brother. At no time did my son in law offer his condolences. When moving to a new home my husband had offered to decorate two rooms. As my son in law works from home at no time was my husband offered even a cup of tea. What upset my husband most of all is the fact that in order for our grandson to bein the catchment area of a good school both my son in law and daughter asked if they could borrow from us. This was in addition to money we gave to them from a property my husband had inherited abroad. I too am very angry with him. His selfishness and disregard towards us. My husband has made his feelings to our daughter. I hope this has clarified the situation more.

What were your motives for helping them out even when they didn't need the money?
Why do you now think they should be grateful for what you gave?
It all sounds like emotional blackmail to me.
Your daughter sounds under a lot of stress, getting angry and tearful is not healthy behaviour.
I think you should listen more to what she is saying and offer your support that doesn't need to be accompanied by money.
In my experience the most healthy family relationships are those where money doesn't play a big part.
If your daughter rejects your support then you really should stay silent- get on with your own life and try to forgive the hurt and hope she will get back in touch when she is ready. Be patient.

As others have suggested, say nothing Amatino. Child care outside of the family is all well and good until the child(ren) are ill. GP's are then often called upon unless one of the parents takes time off work.

Leave it....let it go.....she will need you before too long. Just make sure you have plans and stop dancing to her tune. You have been a convenience to them and it sounds as though he uses the situation to get one over on you and ultimately hurt your feelings.

ordinarygirl

reply- "I'm glad you have made arrangements for the care of the kids . This now means we can follow our interests. Hope you all have a great summer"

This is so passive aggressive though. Why actively try to make things worse?

He earns enough to pay for it, so let him. You doing two days a week free childcare is effectively financially supporting a man who has a good wage and a wife's wage on top of that.

Not being their childcare any more will probably take a lot of heat out of the situation, too.

reply- "I'm glad you have made arrangements for the care of the kids . This now means we can follow our interests. Hope you all have a great summer"

Why do you help out money wise

So sorry, this must sting.
Don’t say anything because I am sure it will just become an argument. Make yourselves busy with other things, show your daughter that you actually have a life, and try to ride this out.
Our grown children can sometimes take us for granted and be disrespectful. Don’t rise to the bait, keep well out of it and make sure she knows that you are not sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself.
This too will pass and am sure when school starts up again the alternative childcare she has found may not be as trustworthy or reliable. Depends whether you want to just jump straight back in again though. You might just want to take a holiday after schools go back and prices come down.

I understand that you cannot give too much detail as it would be identifying, however why do you help them financially if they do not need you to?

You have said they do not respect you especially the son in law, have you been critical of him? If you have then I can understand why they do not want you to have the children knowing that you have negativity towards their father.

It could just be that they prefer alternative childcare and nothing to do with what has happened, I would leave things for a while until everyone has calmed down.

As you are not getting on with your daughter - surely it is for the best that she organises different childcare? Otherwise the mutual animosity will affect the children.

Remain silent. You seem to resent the help you have given anyway.

If husband earns six figure sum why do you need to help out money wise?

Remain silent, otherwise you'll be faning the flames, least said soonest mended. I also think it may make her ponder on your silence as to how her message has been perceived, let her stew on that! Some people thrive on conflict, firing off umpteen combative texts, I wouldn't rise to it, take the higher ground. Lots of grandparents get this sort of flack these days.

What do you mean by 'lack of respect '? We are getting one side here and it would be easy to sympathise, but I'm disinclined to do so without more information

Keep your dignity, walk away, go on a holiday and stay busy and one day she might well realise the error of her ways and come back to you, with the respect you deserve