Anyone else feel surplus to requirements ?

I feel surplus to requirements too.
I've always helped my daughter with childcare for her 2 children but now they don't need me any more I very rarely hear from her.
I would love to be included in family events.

I’m 69 and still run around and play with my two grandchildren aged three and five, it is harder though! I try and keep active and swim five times a week and wattch my weight and try to dress attractively, though don’t try to look younger.

I do find some modern smart phones a bit puzzling. I have an old I phone and my son is always telling me how to use it to pay for shopping, but I can’t get my head round it and pay by card still! My DH is always saying how tired he is. I tell him to mention it to GP as he has ehat they called ocular migraines recently and has a small clot in a vein near his brain so is obsessed about his health atm.

LittleToothill - I like that you started your post by counting your blessings. 😁

I’ll be 71 in exactly two weeks and I’m still in the thick of family life. Although I’ve had health problems for a long time my family have somehow always been able to accept that and carry on regardless, but in 2022 I suffered from a bout of amnesia and unfortunately it is recurring. Now my family (husband, children and older grandchildren) have become what I can only describe as protective of me. I’ve noticed they’re careful in sharing anything that might be stressful, they keep in close touch - and if I phone them my calls are answered immediately (my eldest son has twice had to respond to emergency calls when I’ve had amnesia episodes so he never delays answering my calls, “just in case”). At Christmas I usually host, but the family always pitch in - not this year; our son (aided by his lovely wife) has booked a holiday cottage for us and they’ll be hosting this year.

So, no, I don’t feel sidelined or redundant in the family, but I am aware that things are changing - and that’s just in the natural order of things I believe.

P.S. The Sock Game (mentioned up thread) is brilliant and I do still join in all the family games and quizzes as much as I feel comfortable with.

I'm 66 and today been to my 5 Yr old granddaughters party where I happily bounced on the bouncy castle. ..did feel a little sea sick though !

I'm 68 and still working.
I'm usually the one doing all the work at family gatherings . No sitting around in the corner.
However, I must admit I am not keen on board games.
However, I do think age is partially in the mind , so, unless you are disabled or poorly, I would say get up from the corner and join in. Xx

Apology, I didn't intend to quote - daft of me.

RillaofIngleside

Very pleased to e-meet you, Monica!

I've not been told I was requirement to our AC birthing GC.

Very pleased to e-meet you, Monica!

I think my dinners and parties are much better I don't want to be put in a corner.

I am like you*RofI*. I was brought up to be independent. Once I married my parents felt they had no right to interfere in my life.

Being practical, they did not live close enough for me to look to them for childcare, nor do we live close enough to provide childcare for grandchildren, but when DS and DDiL had children, my companion grandmother, who did live close, provided one day a week of care for a year, but the rest of the time they paid for childcare.

Obviously there will be times when money is essential and wages are low, but in a very recent thread, both parents were in senior positions, so really had no reason to expect grandparents to provide care.

My self worth is not based on my being a grandparent, I have a busy life following my own interests. I have done my generation of childcare. I do nto want to do 2.

It sounds dreadful, I really feel for you. Several of the ladies in my village get together for holidays, or we go in groups. Would that be an option for you?
How would they react if you told them that you are only 75 and not senile yet, thankyou? And to talk to you properly?

Babamaman

Totally with you on this.
I’m in Brittany France with daughter 1 (50) husband + 2 grandchildren (28, 13)& daughter 3 (40) + husband & 2 grandchildren (15,11).
I’m spoken to ( if at all) as though I’m senile, or they are all on their electronics the whole time!?
If I say anything, I get ‘the look’ ‘ are you mad, or what?”
I’m 75. It’s cruel

It sounds it, how awful of them. Refuse to go away with them again and enjoy being at home and with your own friends.

Hi Monica and MissAdventure, I don't post often but do frequently read! I am just feeling particularly incensed this week, having spoken to two friends who are being blocked by their children for no apparent reason, and then reading several threads by grans and mothers in law who are being treated so disrespectfully. I think you are right, Monica, I'm not sure why people in the last generation seem so invested. I brought my children up in the same way as my 50s mother did us, and we always treated our elder relatives with care and respect. We recognised that most generally did and do their best for us, and that they have a right to their own lives. I worked full time until 5 years ago, and took a pragmatic view of motherhood. And now I have a pragmatic view of grandmotherhood! There are many things I want to do with my life. When I help out (and at any other time) I expect my children still to be respectful and polite. Someone else posted that you are treated how you expect to be treated, and there is some truth in that. However, I would not accept engagement at any price, my own sense of self worth is higher than that, however heart breaking. Hopefully things will change in the next generation as you say.

RillaofIngleside
I've seen you post before, and I agree.

Come on 68 is hardly old.

I am 67 and made Everest Base Camp last year during a 3 week trek in Nepal.

Rillaof Imgleside, are you new? I haven't seen your name before. if so welcome!

I think you have a very good point. I also think that we have a generation of women who have invested too much of themselves into their children. Parents better off than the generation before them have invested far more in their children on many fronts - the Bank of Mum and Dad so adult children have been left dependant on parents even after they have left home and set up separate homes, and many women, in poorly paid and part time job, faced with children with full time jobs and childcare jobs have again looke dtothe Bank of Mum and Dad, this time for a time commitment to child care.

I think this will end with this generation. Our children are marrying and having children late and if they are still under retirement age when they become grandparents will be working full time, if over retirement age, probably too old to do more than intermittent childcare.

I was in my mid 60s when I became a grandmother. My DDiL's mother was over 70.

It is interesting that it is ladies who seem to feel these things the most. My DH would shrug all these things off. His self esteem is high, and it simply wouldn't bother him! He has no intention of doing child care, and whilst he attends family events, he makes no effort to engage with grandchildren. Consequently they all adore him, and he is the one the children seek advice from! These daughters in law, I suspect, would never treat the granddads as they feel free to treat the grandmas. I think there may be something to be learnt from them!

Thank you for your post. I am 69 and feel very much the same as you and others who have agreed or been sympathetic to your comments. My family are mostly caring and kind but I do feel sidelined, especially since I retired. No one listens to me much any more but I wonder if I'm kidding myself that they ever did! Nevertheless, I am also ambivalent about ageing and enjoy being Granny in the corner at times. I have been very busy in my life until recently and did a lot of energetic activities with my grandchildren when they were younger. They're adult now and in many ways it's a relief not to be so involved any more. I would just like to have a little more status when I am with my family but I remember that I didn't always listen very much to my own mother and found some of her attitudes old fashioned. I probably do find my past more interesting than my present and enjoy reminiscence. I have enjoy the reminiscences of older people all my life, such interesting stories but I suppose it depends whether you enjoy history. I take comfort from some psychologists who theorize that one of the tasks of older age is to reflect on one's life and come to terms with events and changes. People are very different and I'm always surprised by contemporaries who are not interested in discussing these changes. On the one hand I admire the carry on as before energy, on the other hand I wonder if it's deluded and lacks insight.

Join in! Find a role for yourself. I know that when I was a teenager, I felt safe knowing that my great aunts were around. (My grandmother’s died young). I loved their offers of chocolate, looking around their gardens or just chatting to them. It doesn’t sound exciting, but now as a granny myself, it is often the little things that make the fondest memories!

At 79 I do not consider myself in any twilight years. I plan to live till I die! If you looked at things slightly differently you might enjoy things more. I have looked after everyone for so many years and not had a lot of time or money to do the things I want to do. Now I live alone I now can choose what to do without guilt or feeling I should be doing something else. If I wake up at 4.30am with my back hurting I can put the light on and read, get up and go out quietly , decide to make the most of the time and get up get ready and pack up coffee and sandwich and go off to the coast. Great get there with total choice of where I go , enjoy the sand, walk around use my binoculars and then as it gets busy go back with lots of the day left to do the jobs I left. The saying is if you have lemons make lemonade. So it is frustrating when you have problems doing things you used to do easily, but then you have the chance to stop doing the jobs you hate and let someone else do it. Think what you would like to do and do it and just tell them when you have made your own arrangements. dont worry what they are doing, let them do it , and do your own thing. If you spent your time aiming at doing what you would enjoy doing while you can and concentrate on that . Take the joy of the garden and the countryside, I cant do the gardening that I used to do , but still enjoy looking at flowers . Your choice, sit in the corner and as Billy Connolley says become a Beige woman in a Beige cardigan, or make the most of every day and dont be judged by other peoples standards. do your own thing!!

Thank you. Yes, I keep my mouth shut an awful lot but I live by myself and find myself overthinking everything in bed at night. It's really hard sometimes to not say anything and I have to bite my tongue. I don't want to alienate anyone - my GD is my first GC and I couldn't bear it if I didn't get to see her. Thank you for your support and thank God for this place.

My eldest is 64 and today I celebrated my 94th birthday so I do understand what you are getting at. However you are far too young to feel surplus! Keep a few party tricks up your sleeve. Organise a surprise quiz for instance. I did, ad it was a great success, surprisingly so. I had 30 printed questions and pencils for everyone. Winner got a bottle of wine.

Surplus to requirement? Oh, yes! And be warned, if you live to become a widow, it will become at least ten times worse, however independent you are.

That said, we age differently, and at times we ARE tired, and honestly some of the advice given seems a little unkind. I am sure you are trying to take an interest etc.

Have you tried taking it very easy for a couple of days before being with "your gang"? If not, do and I trust you will find it makes a great difference,

If you are tired all the time, have a check-up. There might just be some minor physical ailment, like anaemia, that easily can be put right.

EeeBee I am so glad to see you facing challenges with a determination to 'say yes to life' - I wish you all good things.

Thankyou for your post - I often feel the same even while feeling happy that they all get on so well. Love this website - often puts things into perspective for me