Haven't been allowed to see new grandson yet

It all seems way over the top, to me.

It's a couple of weeks wait, I'd imagine.

It just seems very sad to me that some grandparents aren't included in the first days and weeks of their new grandchild.

Katniss, I know this pain. It is the one you get when you leave them at playgroup for the first time, when they run in to school and you walk home alone, when they leave for university and the house is empty - and it hurts. But they always come back. Let them have their space and deal with the emptiness inside yourself - because it won't be long before that invitation comes and you can go round and have a cuddle and all will be well again.

Can't you see them on Facebook until she settles down a bit?

Fae1

"Would of paved ...may of prepared"! ? I despair of people's use of the English language. Rant over! As for seeing the new baby, I sympathise. The same thing happened when my grandchildren were born. Mutual respect is the answer. Unfortunately, as grandparents we may never have that memory of holding the newborn, but at the end of the day it's their baby and their decision. My grandchildren are now 7 and 5 and I have a lovely relationship with them and their parents.

🙄

There are two big differences to when we gave birth. Mostly, the fathers are so involved right from the start. I don’t think any of the men in my husband’s generation had any involvement in the birth preparation and very little in the baby years. I think that the feeling is that ‘threes a crowd” and the grandparents are not required and often not welcome.

Also social media pays a big part in what new parents see as normal. The bonding, the feeding, the sleep and everything else have more influence than grandparents.

You were very different from your Mom and tried to be the Mom you would have liked to have had. But your daughter hasn't had your Mom as her Mom, she had had you. Every Mom and every daughter is different. She is different from you and may want different things in this situation from her Mom than what you wanted from yours. She seems to want a little space. And that is not unreasonable. Women's hormones are all over the place in the days after birth and with a new baby, especially a first baby, it can be overwhelming. You are interpreting this as rejection. But it sounds as if you have got on well since you came back to live nearby. I don't think it is rejection. You sound like a mother who wants to help your daughter and do things for her. That is a loving thing. You will always be her mother but she has just become a mother herself and it is she who now needs to be in charge. The next generation is now here and you have to give up the driving seat to her, I am afraid. It is not easy. But I am sure things will become OK for you both soon. The best way to help that happen is to try not to be too upset. Think positive thoughts.

I found it quite odd when we got the same message when first GS arrived. But quickly remembered how tiring and intrusive some of my visitors had been all those years ago and wished I could have done the same. I found that the novelty of the ‘nuclear’ family approach wore off pretty quickly as the relentless reality of parenting a newborn sunk in, and we quickly became part of their support network. But waiting to be asked was definitely the right approach, and respecting their boundaries has helped us to build a good relationship with them as a new family.

I was immensley privileged to be birthing partner when my DD gave birth - I was invited, didn't assume to be asked, but afterwards I did take a step back. DD and SIL both knew they only had to message and I would be there to help, as were the other GP's and family members.
It is important to accept that new parents need time to adapt, there's a new life in their midst and this changes the dynamic hugely, particularly with a first born.
When I had my babies, the last thing I wanted or needed was my mother or MIL fussing around and doing things 'their way' because they were more experienced that I was.
Childbirth is a very personal and private event as is the process afterwards.
Do give your daughter the time and space to become a mum, if SIL can cook they won't starve - this is their child, no one else's.

"Would of paved ...may of prepared"! ? I despair of people's use of the English language. Rant over! As for seeing the new baby, I sympathise. The same thing happened when my grandchildren were born. Mutual respect is the answer. Unfortunately, as grandparents we may never have that memory of holding the newborn, but at the end of the day it's their baby and their decision. My grandchildren are now 7 and 5 and I have a lovely relationship with them and their parents.

I agree with your post, nightowl.

I’m going to go against what most of you are saying, perhaps I’m just less understanding. I would have been really sad if I couldn’t have seem my grandsons within a short while of them being born. To wait two weeks would have been torturous!
I was lucky enough to be welcomed at the hospital when the boys ( twins ) were just a few hours old and were in special care. I actually saw them before my daughter did, at the parents insistence. I took some pictures and had them developed ( it was 14 years ago ) for my daughter to see until she was well enough to visit them.
I have always been included in everything, I’m very lucky.

Their baby their rules.

I had my Mum and sister at the hospital within a few hours, I was tired, sore and answering dozens of questions when I truly needed to get my head around the battering my body had taken. Needed to change underclothes, felt sweaty and uncomfortable. My Mum called a Nurse over to ask why my baby's head had blood on it and why it hadn't been cleaned (because it's probably bruised and we like to let baby settle, Nurse said). I felt a mothering failure on day 1.
Next day trying to breast feed baby my BIL and SIL arrived, making loads of fuss as the lilies they'd brought had left stamen stains on BIL's white jumper.
Leave them be rather than become a problem, please.

Lillyflower- Unfortunately, I cannot agree that "Keeping grandparents at bay is not acceptable".

There seems to be a lot of anger in what you have written. Perhaps you developed expectations that are not being met.

We do not own our children and it is us who must realise that when they have a baby it is not our "personal pet or possession". This child is 100% theirs.

They may or may not require help at some point and when that is the case they will ask.

Surely the, "lot of help and support throughout their lives" is from the parents not the grandparents. We can only be involved at the request of our children. We can offer but must accept their choices.

Although sharing the care of babies is the case in some cultures our culture is much more variable and we do not generally need a village to raise a child here. Grandparents may be asked to childmind (e.g. whilst the parents are at work) but nowadays most families do not want Grandma under their feet without invitation.

I totally understand I held my grandson straight after his birth and saw my grandaughter a few hours after her birth. My daughter wouldnt have had it any other way. She wanted her parents to share the joy and to provide support to her too. I hope you see your grandson soon x

I can see you are upset and of course you want to meet your grandson, but please allow yourself to think 'Its their baby! It is a huge revolution in their lives. They are choosing to focus on their new world together. They love us and we will see this child - at a time which works for the parents". I hope you let yourself relax, even though you are so keen to see the baby - do not let this become an issue for you. There are many years ahead when you will know him, and this delay is a blip in the great scheme of things.

Bonding is not nonsense, but it doesn’t require the outside world to be excluded for it to happen. It is a biological imperative common to all mammals and takes place within social groups. That said, the parents call the shots and other family members have to abide by their wishes. I do find it especially sad that, of all people, the maternal grandmother - the person who has the greatest understanding and empathy as well as the greatest love for her daughter should be excluded at such a time, but there we are.

Give them the time they need. How about a photo or video call. I know it's not the same but at least it will give you a chance to see baby and them the time they both need. Everyone acts differently when they have a baby, I know it must hurt but please be patient. In the meantime call (at a convenient moment for them).

It's got nothing to do with distance or her not being close to you. She's just given birth. For the first few days her hormones will be all over the place and you will remember yourself that baby blues on day 3/4 can be no joke. This is THEIR baby. She has carried the baby for 9 months and has grown that child inside her - is there really anything so wrong with waiting a couple of weeks to allow the couple a little exclusive time with their baby as first time parents? They have their own little family now and yourself and family on your side as well as family on the new dad's side have now all become extended family. Please remember, at this stage both her and baby are recovering so it's not really about anyone else meeting baby and babies only bond with their parents in the first months. You will have PLENTY of time to meet your grandchild, please just be patient and supportive because push back or expressing what YOU want as opposed to what they want may come across as entitled and will only ever cause a rift. You've got many, many years to enjoy your grandchild. A couple of weeks in the grand scheme of things is nothing. Can I suggest (if you're on Instagram) following the 'More than Grand' account. It's a grandmother giving advice and help to grandparents, she's fab.

I would be patient and supportive of their choice

Midwives and seasoned mums etc are starting to recommend this time to settle and bond

You waited 9 months, a little longer won't hurt

My daughter gave birth in May and I flew out to Dubai (where she lives / works) just before the end of her husband’s paternity leave (about 4 weeks after the birth). They wanted time to settle in together as a family. Since my daughter’s parents in law also live in Dubai I knew help was on hand if they needed it. In the interim period they sent me lots of pictures and video clips so I didn’t feel I was missing out. My daughter also knew I was only a phone call away if she needed to talk as she did find it very difficult in the first week or two like all first time mums.

I think this whole bonding thing is nonsense. How about the bonding with significant others in the baby’s life? I had friends and family see my babies at the first opportunity as I was eager for them to all have a close relationship. I saw all of my grandchildren within hours of their births, even the twins who weren’t expected to survive their premature births, fortunately they did. I fell in love with each of them as soon as I saw them which has created a strong relationship with them. I really feel for you OP. I would have been so upset if I’d been treated like that. It does seem to be a thing now and it seems very strange to me.

This does seem to be a trend now with a first baby. Just try and be patient. Think with the second baby, grandparents are very involved. 😊
It’s new to the couple so let them settle.

Text or send a voice message briefly, now and again (maybe weekly) with message such as 'Love you all, Hugs from Nan & Grandpa (substitute appropriate names) [ps. No reply needed we know how it is].
Give them space. This is their life, their family and their time. We cannot live through our children. Love them and let them run the show. Do not add to the exhaustion and stresses of getting used to looking after a new tiny baby.
They will include you in their own good time. Be patient. Be happy for them. Be happy that nowadays Dad's can have some time with baby.
Being a parent never stops being hard even when our babies are parents themselves, our role is to continue being there for them when we can and not for them to be there for us.

In my culture we all see the grandchild the day he/she is born usually while still in the hospital. The parents would feel snubbed if family didn’t attend. I can understand your upset. This distancing is becoming a ‘thing’ I believe younger people are very insular and are no longer as family orientated as we were. They turn to books etc rather to family. It can be very hurtful. Just take deep breaths and try to accept - you’re not the only one this is happening to.