I also think that the ‘moving down south after retirement’ was probably envisaged and talked about before any GC arrived on the scene, and frankly, he doesn’t want to move now!
He prefers to stay around locally and help out.
If the OP doesn’t share that viewpoint, and I can understand that, I think it might be the end of the relationship.
Gransnet forums
Grandparenting
Boyfriend is overly involved with grandchildren?
(68 Posts)My 65 year old live in boyfriend has had three grandchildren in the last 3 years. One lives close by. I have just retired. Before I did retire, just after baby was born, I asked him not to commit to a regular babysitting schedule and to check with me before committing to babysitting. He agreed. The baby is 8 months old, and my BF has already committed to every weekday afternoon for this month, he says it’s “temporary “ and sometimes agrees to a weekend afternoon, just so they can go out. I have 2 grown children, no grands yet, and am not really a baby person. He has said that he would see the baby every day if he could. He has also intimated that if I don’t agree with whatever he’d like to do as far as seeing this GC, then I am indicating that I have a problem with his “kids”, and that perhaps he needs to think twice about “us”. I am devastated and do not think that this is typical grand parenting. He insists it’s normal. Isn’t it supposed to be “us” as a unit, and the kids and grands are “satellites”? I have no problem with him being involved in his gcs lives, and of course I expect him to be. But I also expect to be a priority, and that he should be seeing his long term relationship and future with me as his main focus. We are supposed to move down south in our retirement, but now I get the feeling he is doing a complete turn around. We have a great relationship and shared interests and love each other very much. I feel compromise would be fair, but he doesn’t seem willing to do much of that in this situation. He also has out of state grandchildren, who he sees every 6-8 weeks for a week at a time, and complains that it’s not enough and that he feels “alienated “ from them. Should I leave now and try to start a new life without him? Do you think this may settle into a more acceptable situation?
it is strange grandad wanting to get involved with babies.
I feel very sorry for you if this is what enters your head when you see grandads pushing a pram.
AbbyD your boyfriend has agreed to babysitting commitments without consulting you and I think that you do need to make decisions about your future with him. Perhaps you can still have a loving relationship but live apart so that your life is not entangled with his babysitting responsibilities.
This is an American post.. however if it is real I would suggest couples counselling so that you can both explore what you want in the future, (he obviously isn't going to move), in a neutral, unbiased setting
Although I dislike Davids comment on men having to be careful playing with kids. I mentioned it to my partner and he said yes it is something men have to be careful with as they can easily be falsely accused wrong motives and it can ruin their lives.
David I think it is you who is tarring all men with the same brush.
I absolutely worshipped my maternal Grandfather and we used to have the best times together and those memories are in my heart forever. I didn't see so much of my paternal Grandfather but it was still a close and loving relationship.
Both of my children enjoyed wonderful relationships with both of their Grandfathers and I would have had no hesitation in leaving them with either.
I find such a train of thought a little unsettling.
ferry23
David I think it is you who is tarring all men with the same brush.
I absolutely worshipped my maternal Grandfather and we used to have the best times together and those memories are in my heart forever. I didn't see so much of my paternal Grandfather but it was still a close and loving relationship.
Both of my children enjoyed wonderful relationships with both of their Grandfathers and I would have had no hesitation in leaving them with either.
I find such a train of thought a little unsettling.
I feel exactly the same and was also lucky enough to share the same relationships with my Grandfathers.
I miss them both terribly.
The red flag is not how often he sees the grandchildren fundamentally. The red flag is that he isn't prepared to listen to you, or consider you and your feelings.
Jackiest
Although I dislike Davids comment on men having to be careful playing with kids. I mentioned it to my partner and he said yes it is something men have to be careful with as they can easily be falsely accused wrong motives and it can ruin their lives.
I tend to agree, especially if the grandchildren are female.
Our grandchildren apart from one grandson are all female. My husband is quite cautious not to be out and about, alone, with our granddaughters and their friends. He's safe, the thoughts of others are not safe.
He changes our GC nappies without batting an eye - it's public toilets, changing clothing after a swim, etc - perceptions in this world.
Well I m female and had a wonderful relationship with my maternal grandad I loved Saturdays when he would take me out to take photos or look for projects Likewise my Dad was a fantastic grandad to my three children ( 2 girls and a lad) he did so much for them and then for his two of his great grandkids boy and girl It would never have entered my grandad or my dads head that they could be accused of anything Sad world if that’s how men feel thank goodness Abbie’s man doesn’t see it that way
However I do think the relationships too far apart neither will change so it may be a bit doomed
He’s really told you where his top priorities lie, he’s already said he would see his grandchild every day if he could. He can’t make it any clearer.he will think twice about your relationship. If you don’t agree, you don’t so I don’t see it going any farther to be honest. I think your feelings should be listened to but he’s adamant so that’s a red flag for me
I also don’t think it will settle into a more acceptable situation regarding your feelings no!
David49
I’m am “old man” now and am very conscious of the risk so are younger men, the Huw Edward’s saga among all the rest tars us all. Why do you think there are so few male teachers, male youth workers, the risk of being “ accused” is high, it is strange grandad wanting to get involved with babies.
The shortage of male teachers etc isn’t down to a risk of false allegations. The risk isn’t ‘high’
It is not strange for grandfather’s ’wanting to get involved with babies’
Norah
Jackiest
Although I dislike Davids comment on men having to be careful playing with kids. I mentioned it to my partner and he said yes it is something men have to be careful with as they can easily be falsely accused wrong motives and it can ruin their lives.
I tend to agree, especially if the grandchildren are female.
Our grandchildren apart from one grandson are all female. My husband is quite cautious not to be out and about, alone, with our granddaughters and their friends. He's safe, the thoughts of others are not safe.
He changes our GC nappies without batting an eye - it's public toilets, changing clothing after a swim, etc - perceptions in this world.
The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive
AbbyD
It seems so odd to me, particularly for a man (sorry to sound sexist, but in my world men were never that interested in their own kids, much less grandkids).
Men in our friendship group (as well as my husband) were hands-on dads and very involved with their children.
We knew families in the UK where the husband and wife worked part time and shared childcare and when we lived in America we knew two families there doing the same and one where dad did all the childcare.
My husband and I also worked p/t each and even my own father was very involved.
I realise this probably means these were the families we were drawn to - but it IS possible that he was a very hands-on dads in the first place.
Iam64
The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive
The issue is innocent men worried about being accused of finding children sexually attractive and not being able to play as freely with children as we can.
I find it amusing when you call a man in his 60's a boyfriend.
They are his grandchildren and when you love someone you share their lives.
What a sad situation.
I’m surprised tbh he hasn’t asked you to move on!
Most of us on here would be outraged if a boyfriend/partner was asking us Gran’s not to be involved with our GC.
Maybe you both need to reassess what your priorities are, calmly as you can, and see if you can reach a mutually acceptable way forward together which makes you both happy 
David49
From a safeguarding viewpoint old men and young children raise eyebrows, added to that, him putting GC before your relationship is a bad sign.
If he is living in your place it’s time for him to move out, to be honest he’s bored with you and the children are more interesting.
At the start you mention “live in” boyfriend, at the end you say should “I” move out. Maybe a typo?
I find your comment both ridiculous and a bit worrying!
I adored my maternal grandfather and can still remember the wonderful walks he took me on and spending time snuggled up with him.
My own DH was extremely hands on, changing nappies, bathing the children, even bathing with them when they were very little.
Our first and only DGS is his daughters son, my DH would see him every day given the chance!
Lots of men, old and young, are very hands on and perfectly normal!
Iam64
Norah
Jackiest
Although I dislike Davids comment on men having to be careful playing with kids. I mentioned it to my partner and he said yes it is something men have to be careful with as they can easily be falsely accused wrong motives and it can ruin their lives.
I tend to agree, especially if the grandchildren are female.
Our grandchildren apart from one grandson are all female. My husband is quite cautious not to be out and about, alone, with our granddaughters and their friends. He's safe, the thoughts of others are not safe.
He changes our GC nappies without batting an eye - it's public toilets, changing clothing after a swim, etc - perceptions in this world.The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive
Of course it's not gender.
I should have stated my husband's stance more clearly. He dislikes being alone with our granddaughters' female friends, say in our pool, or in public. For the reasons David49 mentioned.
Because men face scrutiny today (many women should as well, but not as many appear to) - what others think may not serve men well.
My husband is not fully retired, no school runs for an hour on the road, no after school care - he thinks caution is best, for him and I agree.
David49
I’m am “old man” now and am very conscious of the risk so are younger men, the Huw Edward’s saga among all the rest tars us all. Why do you think there are so few male teachers, male youth workers, the risk of being “ accused” is high, it is strange grandad wanting to get involved with babies.
The reason that there are more female primary school teachers, youth workers and indeed nursery school workers is absolutely nothing to do with fear of being accused of inappropriate behaviour and everything to do with career progression and more importantly pay!
Jackiest
Iam64
The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive
The issue is innocent men worried about being accused of finding children sexually attractive and not being able to play as freely with children as we can.
No! It really isn’t an issue.
No man should ever be afraid of being accused of something they haven’t done with young children of either gender!
Those that might worry slightly are those who might come into contact alone, for whatever reason, with children who have already been sexually abused and in their minds “normalised” it.
To the question.
It sounds as if you are perhaps not very compatible with this man. Cutting your losses and moving along to someone else might be best.
If you are USA, I assume no school runs and after school care apply to your friend. USA schools are different to UK schools - no small villages. Perhaps he wants only first few years involved, you could ask him?
Thanks for spelling out why there are less men I teaching etc Cossy. I was too exasperated.
Reading some comments here remind me of the many foster and adoptive fathers who gave so much to the children they cared for, who had been sexually abused.
I appreciate everyone’s responses. Thank you.
What I don’t understand is some of you almost accusing me of not wanting him to see his GC. There is a big middle ground between seeing your GC daily, and not seeing them at all. Just my feelings. But thank you all for your insight and perspectives.
“I should have stated my husband's stance more clearly. He dislikes being alone with our granddaughters' female friends, say in our pool, or in public. For the reasons David49 mentioned.
Because men face scrutiny today (many women should as well, but not as many appear to) - what others think may not serve men well.”
The reaction to my comment on this forum is way over the top, a man that goes out of his way to be close to young children daily is very unusual, this is NOT normal grand parenting.
It is a fact that most harm to children is done by a family member, in the OPs situation it may be entirely innocent.
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