Big Disappointment - need to get over it quick

Philippa60

Couldn't agree more! We will go anyway, for sure.
She won't let any of the kids go.
We are done offering.
Time to spend on ourselves alone!

Good solution, have fun!

Honestly this whole episode has taught me to stop bending over backwards for my daughter, always suggesting things to do, offering help etc.
I'm going to take a big step back and put us first.
I have to be honest and admit that this is what my H has been saying for years, but I've finally got the point!

Grannynannywanny

You mentioned your grandson doesn’t seem too upset. It makes me wonder if perhaps he now doesn’t want to go and your daughter is sparing his embarrassment by taking the blame. 13 can be a tricky age.

I noticed this too. I had one daughter around that age that I often took the heat on things she didn’t feel comfy doing

I’d be trying to explain to my daughter that she can’t let her own anxiety govern her children’s lives. She is being unfair to both you and her child. It’s one thing to refuse permission quite another to change one’s mind after arrangements have been made. As for the child not seeming upset. Of course he won’t show it. He knows he can’t go now so what would be the point of acknowledging disappointment I think you are right to stop offering expensive treats if this is how you are treated. Who knows though in a few years your GC may be able to make their own choice to accompany you on exciting trips.

Grannynannywanny

You mentioned your grandson doesn’t seem too upset. It makes me wonder if perhaps he now doesn’t want to go and your daughter is sparing his embarrassment by taking the blame. 13 can be a tricky age.

This is worth considering, and as said, 13 is a funny age, not really a child but not very grown up either.
Either way, put it behind you quickly I can well understand your disappointment but enjoy it with the two of you.Tbh you will probably have a better time as you can do just the things that suit you.

Whose idea was this trip?

Your daughter, gs, yours, your husband?

I have 3 children and 6 grandchildren, 4 of whom I have looked after, baby sat, fed, bathed etc.from the day they were born. But I haven’t looked after my middle son’s children, on my own, for more than about 10 hours, since they were born. They are now 9 and 6 years old. My son and his wife probably think I am too old. D.i.l’s parents are 10 years younger. Personally, I think they are very possessive of the grandchildren. My d.i.l. is an only child, so I suppose I can understand. At first, it used to upset me…..not any more, as long as the GC know I love them.
Enjoy your holiday Phillipa60

It was our idea. I can see now that we were very excited about it and probably pushed too hard.
It was pure wanting to give our GS a great trip and enjoy being with him, as our parents did for our kids and so many others we know who do this.
Just coming to terms with the fact that our hopes and excitement are not theirs!
My DD's anxiety levels are pretty bad, she honestly doesn't want her kids far away from her at all, outside of regular everyday activities (which is fine, they come to our place on a regular basis) but even leaving town is not something she is happy about.
Anyway we have moved on, will enjoy a different kind of trip, and even managed to get a refund on his flight and on theatre tickets (that were supposed to be non-refundable but they very kindly agreed to refund us!)

I’m glad you’re going anyway 😁 I do feel for the children though - having a parent putting such pressure on them to be nearby seems like potentially storing up trouble for the future (sorry, I’ve been reading Estrangement posts).

Maybe your grandson was a bit nervous and did not want to go. It could be that his mother is covering for him? Either way both of you should go and enjoy yourselves.

Great idea to go anyway….with or without another grandchild. In these scary times, anxiety-ridden and overprotective parents is expected. I know my DIL would feel the same and I’d have to be understanding. Enjoy!!!

I had anxiety about leaving my little’un with others. But that never included grandparents. She stayed with them when she was 3 and they live 350 miles away. Then when she was five we were going to go abroad with them but my grandmother took a turn for the worse so I had to bail. My in-laws were very understanding and they took her without me.
Not going to lie I was on tenterhooks until they landed back home again. But she was with people who love her and I knew would ensure her safety and happiness. I hope your daughter can realise that too.

Go with your husband, have a wonderful time, unfortunately your grandchild is the one losing out but hey ho, you tried.

Definitely do NOT cancel! Go alone if needs be, and just check with your DD that it is her stressing and not your DGS.

So very disappointing for you but as your GS doensn't seem to upset then that's a good thing and heaves you just having concerns about your DH. The best thing you can do is go away and enjoy yourselves and you've already planned for that.
I do think it might be worthwhile at some point in time having a deeper chat with your daughter about her anxiety. As you said the one grandchild is already overly anxious then some sort of therapy might be in order as it seems her anxiety is spilling over onto her children.
Good luck with your holiday and enjoy!

Thank you all for the lovely warm support

I would bring gifts back for your GS, as he is probably masking his feelings to protect his mum.. have a great holiday

As to why your daughter let you plan this. I don't know, but my daughter did something similar. She promised that she and my grandson would come for a week or ten days of his school holiday, and said they were so looking forward to it.

At the start of the school holiday, I asked again, if they would be able to come and she said yes, quite definately. Then as the end of the holidays were getting near, turned round and said that she couldn't face the stress of the journey (four hours by train, so nothing drastic.)

Seems to me, you daughter has done something similar.

How wise of you to swallow your disappointment and decide to take the trip without your grandson.

Grannynannywanny

You mentioned your grandson doesn’t seem too upset. It makes me wonder if perhaps he now doesn’t want to go and your daughter is sparing his embarrassment by taking the blame. 13 can be a tricky age.

A definite possibility for sure~~~

That occurred to me too...

So can you get any refunds? What would you and DH enjoy? Try not to make a 'thing' of it - just 'Oh that's a pity, but better to say now than later'. Apply The Rules - when let down - be happy and busy with other things. Galling for you though - the chances young people have today many of us would have grasped with both hands!

My late MIL promised our DC she would take them to Majorca on holiday several times over the years but never ever did. Still went with FIL every year though. Also OHs cousin promised to take them to crufts as she breeds and shows dogs there. Never heard from her again and tbh I don't want to. My mum did take them on a day trip to France though.
MIL and cousin both told the children and never did it which I think was awful.

That’s such a shame @Philippa60. I brought my (then) 11 year old GD from the US to the UK for a 10 day visit last autumn so she could meet other family members. It was a huge success and her younger sister is now looking forward to her turn.

Children can change their minds at the drop of a hat. You may lose a little money by cancelling your grandchild's travel but you will save money when you arrive at your destination as you won't be spending money on him.

Enjoy yourself and don't offer again.

I would still go on trip with your husband and enjoy!

Next time, if you are up to it, ask your daughter and gs what they would like to do?