Big Disappointment - need to get over it quick

Grannynannywanny

You mentioned your grandson doesn’t seem too upset. It makes me wonder if perhaps he now doesn’t want to go and your daughter is sparing his embarrassment by taking the blame. 13 can be a tricky age.

This is worth considering, and as said, 13 is a funny age, not really a child but not very grown up either.
Either way, put it behind you quickly I can well understand your disappointment but enjoy it with the two of you.Tbh you will probably have a better time as you can do just the things that suit you.

I’d be trying to explain to my daughter that she can’t let her own anxiety govern her children’s lives. She is being unfair to both you and her child. It’s one thing to refuse permission quite another to change one’s mind after arrangements have been made. As for the child not seeming upset. Of course he won’t show it. He knows he can’t go now so what would be the point of acknowledging disappointment I think you are right to stop offering expensive treats if this is how you are treated. Who knows though in a few years your GC may be able to make their own choice to accompany you on exciting trips.

Grannynannywanny

You mentioned your grandson doesn’t seem too upset. It makes me wonder if perhaps he now doesn’t want to go and your daughter is sparing his embarrassment by taking the blame. 13 can be a tricky age.

I noticed this too. I had one daughter around that age that I often took the heat on things she didn’t feel comfy doing

Honestly this whole episode has taught me to stop bending over backwards for my daughter, always suggesting things to do, offering help etc.
I'm going to take a big step back and put us first.
I have to be honest and admit that this is what my H has been saying for years, but I've finally got the point!

Philippa60

Couldn't agree more! We will go anyway, for sure.
She won't let any of the kids go.
We are done offering.
Time to spend on ourselves alone!

Good solution, have fun!

Philippa60

Hi just to clarify, it's my H who has ADHD, not the child.
It's an interesting suggestion but I don't think it is him who got cold feet, I really think it is my daughter's anxiety.
But very interesting that he didn't seem to upset.
We had planned everything according to his precise wishes, so it is rather strange.
Why did DD let us plan it in the first place?
She says we "pressured her"...
Maybe...
Anyway we will have a great week at a fraction of the cost!

My apologies for a post that turned out to be unhelpful, I should read more carefully.

I feel very sad for you that you won’t have this special time with your grandson. We took our two grandchildren, 14 and 15 to London for four days in August and we all had a wonderful time together. The grandchildren loved travelling around on the underground and working out the route we needed to take the night before. Perhaps we would have felt differently if it had been another country with a language barrier though and I don’t think we would have gone against their parents if they hadn’t wanted them to go.

I recognize your disappointment and hope your DH does not take this too personally. My advice is don't think too much about why your DD has back tracked , just go with the flow and retain a healthy relationship with your DD. Your DD will have her reasons and those reasons may not have been present at the planning and booking stage. Accept the situation, go without your GS and have a wonderful trip.

Your grandson may well be masking his disappointment to protect his mum from further anxiety.

Good that you are going anyway; have a lovely time

We have never had our grandson to stay by himself - even though he is now 14, while his sister stayed with us from the age of 6 (we live 200 miles from DS & family)

Mainly it was because he would not sleep anywhere with out a parent until he was nearly 10, no one, least of all him knew why. Unfortunately as he became willing to stay, COVID struck, and now he is up and away with friends and never having stayed alone with us, it is unlikely to start now.

Heigh ho, just have to live with it.

without - fingers in wrong order again!

Yes, go and have a great time!

Maybe your GS anticipated that his mum would be reluctant to let him go. Perhaps you could ask him if there's something he'd like to do with you instead, something that might be approved of and that you can all enjoy wihtout any stress.

There are 4 GCs in that family (+ one in Australia).
The 15 year old is riddled with anxiety (wonder where she got that from...) and doesn't want to travel with us.
The 13 year old was very excited about it and the 11 year old was waiting for his turn at age 13. That won't be on offer now.
Then there is a 2.5 year old - gorgeous ray of sunshine she is.
This is definitely not about us favoring one child

Hi just to clarify, it's my H who has ADHD, not the child.
It's an interesting suggestion but I don't think it is him who got cold feet, I really think it is my daughter's anxiety.
But very interesting that he didn't seem to upset.
We had planned everything according to his precise wishes, so it is rather strange.
Why did DD let us plan it in the first place?
She says we "pressured her"...
Maybe...
Anyway we will have a great week at a fraction of the cost!

I'm pleased that you and DH are still going but I am puzzled as to why DD let you plan it all in the first place - how many GC are there? Does she feel that you are favouring the 13 year old?

Is it your husband who has ADHD or your grandson?

I'm so pleased that you've decided to go anyway Philippa, of course it wont be the same but I'm sure you'll have a great time, it's Paris and London after all.

A great pity, but as your grandson doesn't seem too bothered, focus on thatand go and have a good time with your husband.
Your daughter sounds rather silly.

My DD and my DS wouldn’t agree to us taking our GC away so I have never and wouldn’t even suggest it even when they are a bit older.
You and your DH should just go and make the best of it without GS. He may already have known of his parent’s anxiety about the trip that’s why he is not disappointed. When he is a bit older he will have the choice who and where he goes away with. You might just get a chance to take him abroad at some point.

i agree with Grannynannywanny. I think it's possible that your son may have changed his mind and your DD is taking the blame. He is 13 after all, which is the age when kids start to feel more independent and less inclined to want to be with grandparents. Perhaps he wants to stay home and play computer games with his mates!

Another thought. Are you in the States? If so, perhaps your daughter is genuinely anxious about a trip to Europe (terrorist attacks etc).

Definitely go anyway, remembering my own children around that age, I often felt that some of the wonderful places we took them to were somewhat lost on them. We were lucky enough to do a long weekend without them in Rome, when they were teens, and it was all the better just being the two of us I have to say.

Go, enjoy and have a wonderful time.

Firstly, well done for keeping your feelings to yourself, and for recognising the issues at play.
I worked with children & families with ADHD & other specific learning difficulties. Many parents end up with anxiety that spills over.
Yes, 13 is a tricky age, but even more so with ADHD in the mix. One of our DGCs with mild ADHD became very anxious at this age, about being away from his parents - despite having stayed enjoyably with both sets of GPs, other family members & friends since he was 3 years old. We saw this anxiety bouncing between him & his parents, but with time & understanding it resolved itself.

You say you won't offer again, but when & IF you feel able, can I suggest that you have a quiet word with your DD? Simply say that when the family are ready, you would like to organise a trip.
I'd also like to make another suggestion that may or may not not be suitable for your family. Many kids with ADHD, especially teenagers, get on much better with an activity holiday - whether an organised kind or simply being somewhere they can swim, run, do a lot of active stuff.

And this is a good place to vent anonymously! I hope you enjoy your trip, and that the family find a way to negotiate this.

I agree with the others. Yes, it is very disappointing, but there could be other reasons behind it. The best thing you can do is put it behind you and then go and enjoy the trip yourselves.

Is it possible your daughter is a bit jealous that her son might be having a nice time without her...? 🤔

Definitely go yourselves and have a great time!
There could be lots of things behind this. It may not be DD anxiety. It could be that GS has decided it is not cool to go away with GPs and DD has needed to find some tactful way if cancelling ... teenagers are a strange breed and entirely swayed by what is acceptable among their peers.
Put a brave face on it all and go and have some fun yourselves!