Taken for granted?

As a Granny who lives 200 miles from her grandchildren I have no experience of regularly giving childcare. I hope to move nearer and be available to help out in emergencies but I wouldn't offer regular childcare as I feel I'm too old to cope. I was an older parent and became a GP a few weeks before I retired. I have helped out for a few days when my grandson's nursery closed at a time my DS and DiL were unable to take time off and was relieved that my granddaughter was still able to go to her childminder as normal. I enjoyed the time I had on my own with my grandson, but would have struggled if I'd had them both! At the same time I do envy GP's who spend regular time with their GC as they develop a closer bond. In our case both sets of GPs live 200 miles away in different places and the other GP's also have 2 more GC while I just have the 2.

I would be mindful of keeping that special bond alive, though maybe a compromise could be reached - maybe shorter days when you look after him, or maybe alternate weeks during the maternity leave. Of course if your husband has health issues that may affect things too, but I hope you can reach a decision that works for all of you. I'm sure your grandson values his regular time with you and might miss that part of his routine. I was a stay-at-home mum with both sets of GPs living at a distance. My children saw my in-laws more often than they saw my mum as the distance involved was less (and they were more pushy) but I regret not making more effort to see my mum more as their relationship was much less close. As a child I only had one set of GPs from the age of 3, and although there was no childcare involved, we saw them every week and the relationship was really important and I have many happy memories.

I am no expert, having only two GC with one DD. They live about 1 hr from us while the other GPS are in walking distance but we did our bit one (10-hour) day a week (often in our touring caravan in a farmer's field!), sometimes doing nursery runs as well. We just about managed it but were in our sixties then and the GCs are now at secondary school. No way we could do it now.

DD was always very fair, she had emergency plans if we couldn't come and always asked in advance if she needed to cancel or re-arrange.

One reason we were sometimes so exhausted with the GC is that our DD also gave her kiddies a lot of freedom of choice. This was fine with the GS who was naturally a "good boy" but not so with the GD who could be very wilful which we felt was simply naughty. She is still a livewire but seems to have grown out of the naughtiness. In fact both are fantastic children now, but we couldn't cope with a wilful child now.

Younger DD is hoping to start a family imminently but lives 200 miles away, so we won't be much involved. I can't decide whether that is a relief or whether I will feel "denied" the opportunity to be involved with their daily lives. So there are plus points and minus points to helping out with GC.

Good luck to the OP and I hope it turns out well.

It is a choice to have children not a government dictat. The daughter is home with a DH presumably on paternity leave too and in a house with all mod cons. No more boiling nappies on the gas ring or setting the fire with kindling in the morning. Ready meals and takeaways are ubiquitous as well, so no slaving over cheap cuts of beef skirt for dinner either. For heaven's sake. I'm not advocating a return to the bad old days but I think some posters should seriously get a grip. It's become an absolute expectation that grandparents act as free, permanent childcare no matter what. In many cases they become de facto parents. Why can't young women, who've never had such privileged lives, cope with their own children any more. More's to the point, why keep having them.

Absolutely agree. The entitlement of today's parent never ceases to amaze me. Stick to your guns......you are nit being unreasonable!

It doesn't work like that, though.
Each person is individual.

I did the same however only one day a week with My first Grandchild then My Child had another and we more or less carried on as it was only one day ...3days a week is not on I feel .Do tell your Daughter that You need a break .
We now have both children one day a week each but I was happy to do this with the support of My Partner not My child's Dad .
My second grandchild is full of beans so it tiring but happy to do just the 2days with them both

How would you feel if she stopped needing you? Read a a few posts where grandparents never see their precious little one. Be grateful for what you have. Being needed is a gift.

Yep, exactly!!

sharon103

Grunty

With the comment of maternity leave is: It is not a vacation! Just the opposite
It could be the hardest time of a woman's life! Recovering from birth, lack of sleep, taking care of a newborn plus other kids and rest of responsibilities, etc.

Then I refer you to "We have to assume that the expectant parents considered all angles of how they were going to cope with a 2nd child. If they didn't; that was irresponsible and is down to them to resolve by paying for child care."

This may possibly come as a shock to you but this isn't the first generation to ever have more than one child to care for! For many of our generation we didn't have the support of parents stepping in to help. Nor did we have husbands or partners who were entitled to paid paternity leave; we were lucky if they got a few days with us. The lack of sleep, taking care of a newborn plus other kids and rest of responsibilities, etc is nothing new; it's no more difficult now than it ever was! We just had to get on with it and be grateful if a grandparent could pop in from time to time. Deciding to expand your family is big decision and the responsibility for their ongoing care is your responsibility alone. If you can't cope; don't have more children. You have no entitlement to your parents taking over routine child care on a regular basis. Any assistance you do get is a bonus to be grateful for.

Well said. Same with me. I had 3 children
In fact I never assumed anyone would help me and no one volunteered anyway.
My husband had one day off of work and no pay.
I survived.

Exactly!!

OMG, EXACTLY!!!

My Daughter and 9 month old Grandson have moved in with us as her partner is a heavy drinker and abusive( not physically but emotionally (although he did push her) which is why she left . It has totally disrupted our lives but we are obviously willing to make sacrifices to keep them safe. She is now saying that he is having therapy and is a different person and she wants to go back to him. This really scares me as I don’t believe he can change.I feel very strongly that she shouldn’t go back but I can’t really stop her as she is 39. I am very concerned and can’t sleep and feel totally exhausted and out of my depth. I have taken her to every baby group in the area hoping that she’d make some new friends and whenever she needs or wants anything we drive her there. However, she isn’t happy being with us as she’s used to living in a town and has lots of friends there. She doesn’t drive and we are very rural being 6 miles from the nearest shop, so we have to take her everywhere which she hates.

Will you also be child minding baby number 2 if or when mum returns to work?

If you want time with your dh before taking up the care of a second baby just say so. It’s certainly not unreasonable, in fact I think it’s important to have time free now, to do nothing or everything, particularly if you will be tied into child care for the next 5 or so years, just that really.
Your children’s children are their parents responsiblity not yours especially if their parent/s are at home.
You are not being unreasonable.

I understand that you want some time for yourself but you are fortunate your Dd includes you. Perhaps just a word to say you would love a little time for yourself when possible. My two grandchildren live at the other side of the world but sadly rarely get to see them.

In answer to keepingquiet, I wasn't actually looking for " sympathy"- just other views. And to the person who wanted to know how how I wanted to be "thanked", I don't want thanks - just a bit of time for myself and DH in retirement before starting to mind the new baby.

When my son and his wife had their second baby I still gladly continued to have my granddaughter once a week whilst my daughter in law was on maternity leave, this gave mum and the new baby special time together without neglecting the elder child. Obviously if either myself or my husband were too ill to continue to do so then I would of course have to reconsider my commitments
Children grow so quickly so I cherish my time with them and I too didn’t receive any help from either of our families when my children were little, I’m succeeding in breaking the tradition of offering no help or love to my and my children’s children

I was doing a lot of childcare until just recently, one of my daughters had post natal depression and my SiL had to go back to work soon after the birth so I practically lived with them for 6 months, looking after
the baby until my daughter felt recovered enough to do it. My OH came certain days to help but his health ruled out him being there as much as me. I was also looking after 2 other GCs from two other daughters as and when needed.
But a couple of months ago I stepped back having discussed how wiped I felt with them all, and how my life had been on hold for almost 2 years, I wondered if they’d get angry but they didn’t, and it doesn’t mean I don’t help, I still go to babysit but as and when I can do it. Tbh is usually not a week goes by without us seeing one or other of them, but not always in a babysitting capacity.
Is important not to pussyfoot around this, be honest and say how you feel. We are after all ‘people’ with our own lives before we are grandparents, and as others have said perhaps your daughter feels you would be upset if you stopped looking after your GS and might even be relieved you have brought it up.

I’m going to put cat amongst the pigeons when I say I don’t actually enjoy looking after my 4 yr old gd. (Two days a week)
My son and dil believe the way to bring up children is to give them choices over everything. What she wants to eat, wear, going to park, play centre, shops etc. so even though I’ve tried gently to apply my ways ie lunch today is scrambled eggs on toast if she doesn’t want it, even though she’ll eat it sometimes, she’ll throw a tantrum. They allow her to walk around eating and snacking constantly. I think the word No does not exist in their home. She’s at pre school now and teacher has already mentioned she’s resistant to instructions. So baby number two is a year old and mum going back to work. I have been honest and told them I am not going to take care of her as my husband and I get very little pleasure from being with her. I’m told it’s how the Montessori ethos of learning is applied which she used to receive at a play group when she was 3?
So I think it’s not fair to assume all grandparents find the experience enjoyable.

Grunty

^With the comment of maternity leave is: It is not a vacation! Just the opposite^
It could be the hardest time of a woman's life! Recovering from birth, lack of sleep, taking care of a newborn plus other kids and rest of responsibilities, etc.

Then I refer you to "We have to assume that the expectant parents considered all angles of how they were going to cope with a 2nd child. If they didn't; that was irresponsible and is down to them to resolve by paying for child care."

This may possibly come as a shock to you but this isn't the first generation to ever have more than one child to care for! For many of our generation we didn't have the support of parents stepping in to help. Nor did we have husbands or partners who were entitled to paid paternity leave; we were lucky if they got a few days with us. The lack of sleep, taking care of a newborn plus other kids and rest of responsibilities, etc is nothing new; it's no more difficult now than it ever was! We just had to get on with it and be grateful if a grandparent could pop in from time to time. Deciding to expand your family is big decision and the responsibility for their ongoing care is your responsibility alone. If you can't cope; don't have more children. You have no entitlement to your parents taking over routine child care on a regular basis. Any assistance you do get is a bonus to be grateful for.

Well said. Same with me. I had 3 children
In fact I never assumed anyone would help me and no one volunteered anyway.
My husband had one day off of work and no pay.
I survived.

flappergirl

LaCrepescule

On day a week doesn’t seem that much. Are you both unwell? Does your daughter not seem grateful?

I don't agree. This is a favour, not an obligation. The OP is talking about her daughter's children, not her own. One day is too much if the OP doesn't want to do it, or feels unable to. She says her DH has health issues. I think it's completely unreasonable to expect older parents to look after babies and toddlers. They've raised their own families, worked for years and years, gone through all sorts of hardships and shouldn't have to do it all again in retirement. Occasional babysitting and fun days out with grandkids is one thing but to be tied to permanent childcare for whatever remains of your life is quite another matter. If she can't look after 2 children at once she shouldn't have got pregnant again and assumed her mother would pick up the pieces.

Exactly. My thoughts too.

Happilyretired123

grandtanteJE65

Bear in mind that the three year old will probably be jealous of the baby, and be happier to get away from him or her for his usual day with you and his grand-dad.

However, if it is getting to be too much for you, now is the time to discuss this with your daughter.

Why are so many British grandparents looking after their grandchildren? It seems so strange to me, as no-one expects this of grandparents in Denmark, and no-one ever explains whether there is a shortage of nurseries in Britain, or are they too expensive?

Yes childcare v expensive in UK. We look after our grandchild for 2 half days, and the other grandparents do the same, saving the parents around £800 a month! That is about half of their mortgage repayments. No they don’t live in a big house, just in the South East where houses are expensive, but that’s where their work is.

Sorry forgot to say that’s 2 half days a week!

grandtanteJE65

Bear in mind that the three year old will probably be jealous of the baby, and be happier to get away from him or her for his usual day with you and his grand-dad.

However, if it is getting to be too much for you, now is the time to discuss this with your daughter.

Why are so many British grandparents looking after their grandchildren? It seems so strange to me, as no-one expects this of grandparents in Denmark, and no-one ever explains whether there is a shortage of nurseries in Britain, or are they too expensive?

Yes childcare v expensive in UK. We look after our grandchild for 2 half days, and the other grandparents do the same, saving the parents around £800 a month! That is about half of their mortgage repayments. No they don’t live in a big house, just in the South East where houses are expensive, but that’s where their work is.

Some people seem to think parents are unable to manage without help - it goes both ways

Well judging from this thread alone; it would appear to be quite a few. And I believe I said in an earlier post that it did go both ways?

How many threads are posted when help is rejected by new parents

I don't know; tell me. More than when new parents are expecting help from grandparents? Or less?

You say your daughter has asked you to continue the present arrangement so you have the opportunity to say you don't want this.
Before you do that I think you should consider the effect this has on your grandson. It's part of the pattern of his life to be with you one day a week and presumably he enjoys this? His world is going to change quite a lot in the next few months and if he also no longer gets to spend a weekly visit with his Grandma & Grandad he might well feel rejected.

Not sure when the baby is due but he will he be starting nursery? soon usually 1/2 day between age 3/4? So it will only be part of the day, also at 4 it is usually full time school. So may just mean collecting for a hour or two. If you can just give another few months I am sure he will enjoy the having the stability. Or as others have said perhaps the next couple of months you could just do half a day or a shorter day.