Taken for granted?

I know the feeling of feeling like their taken advantage of you.Ive been watching my 6 yr old GD for years now.Everyday Mon thru Fri, then she sometimes ask for Saturday.I pick her up everyday after school, school vacations I also watch her.She is not a well disciplined child, she has anxiety and anger issues.Some days are very hard.I tell my daughter about her not listening to anything I say, she says she is going to check into after school program but hasn't yet.Her daughter doesn't behave for her either.But in school they say she's an angel.Im at a loss, by the end of the week I feel exhausted.I really think my daughter doesn't care as long as she has someone to watch her.

Couldn't agree more. I think nowadays a lot of younger folk presume that their lives will continue as normal after the arrival of a baby with grandparents picking up the slack, ie Childcare. My late Father who was a lovely man always used to say "you had the baby, you look after the baby". I really don't think that new parents should presume that Grandparents should step in and pick up Childcare. There can be many reasons why Grandparents don't want or are unable to do it.

Perhaps daughter and grandparents could spend some time together with the grandchild. Sadly these days we are expected to work till much later on in our lives and take on the role of surrogate parents with very little time to to ourselves in the latter years. Precious time with grandchildren should be a choice and fun not made into a duty. Be kind to yourselves

I’m sure there are many grans on here who think how lucky and privileged you are to be able to look after grandchildren. After all it’s just for such a short time before they are off to school!

Just tell them that you and DH aren’t up to it at the moment. They can either sort out paid childcare, or do it themselves.🙂

Absolutely agree MissA. Just because some GP's want too commit themselves to regular childcare, doesn't mean all GP's do or should. Just because some don't regard it as a chore, and the OP hasn't said she does BTW, doesn't mean some don't and just because not all GP's want to do what other GP's are happy to do, that doesn't make them wrong.

I don’t think anything has made me as aware of how much I’m ageing as when I look after my grandchildren. And I don’t think our children realise that their mums and dads are getting old. I’ve told my son that I can’t walk down to the playground with his two the way that I used to and he just offers to put his car seats in my car so I can drive them there, which I find just as difficult as I only have a two door car. Even having to get up really early to drive to his house leaves me tired before the day even starts. I certainly couldn’t do it week in week out now.

AuntyTrouble

Mention her dad's health issues and say as much as you love having your grandchild you need to cut it down to say once every two weeks instead of every week...that gives her a day to completely rest ready for the new baby, youre not under pressure, and you keep a happy relationship with all concerned. Or maybe have him for an afternoon every week instead of a whole day.

Really nice suggestions, AuntyTrouble.

It sounds like a very entitled daughter. Tell her up front, and don't go back on your word. She's on maternity leave, for goodness' sake. Surely, she can look after two children. I had three boys in under four years and managed very well without help.

Cambsnan

How would you feel if she stopped needing you? Read a a few posts where grandparents never see their precious little one. Be grateful for what you have. Being needed is a gift.

I know a grandmother who has been babysitting 2 grandchildren for two days a week.
I sort of knew it was too much for her.

She has just had a heart attack.

No, there is no "most", because everyone is different.
Not wrong, not right, just different.

Am I really so different from most? I offered to look after DGD 1 day a week from 3months to Reception, even though it involved several hours in the car each time. I'd recently retired when she was born. Subsequently for a few years, I picked her up from school one day a week. It was our special time. Now older primary, she comes and stays, we do stuff together. I firmly believe that our relationship is all the better for the time we spent with each other, even if she remembers little of the pre-school years.
Grandparents spending time alone with grandchildren is very different from when there are parents there!

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw grin but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest
I seriously resent your remark, the only serving to make it passive/aggressive
I don’t need to “feel better” or to get anything off my chest except to say that I have been disappointed and shocked at the attitude of some GPs to their GC - a “chore” ?
If that’s your attitude better not to start to do something you end up doing so unwillingly .
Miserable doesn’t come close.
And no, I am not a young granny, and I nursed and cared for DH throughout the last years of his final illness, coping equally with getting him the 65 miles to London for hospital appointments often weekly.
I am NOT a martyr and was quite realistic about what was possible at the time.
But the closeness of the relationship with my eldest GS which I am sure was rooted in our weekly contact when he was a baby speaks for itself.
You get nothing for nothing.

Mention her dad's health issues and say as much as you love having your grandchild you need to cut it down to say once every two weeks instead of every week...that gives her a day to completely rest ready for the new baby, youre not under pressure, and you keep a happy relationship with all concerned. Or maybe have him for an afternoon every week instead of a whole day.

We loved having our grandchildren, it was always a pleasure never a chore, two one day and another grandson after school.

Your daughter would have a day to rest. You can be so tired when you are pregnant with a second child. All too soon your grandson will be at school and you won’t see him very much then when he gets older with after school clubs you won’t see him at all. Enjoy him while you can because soon you will be sad you don’t see him at all.

I think it often is as simple as that cc, they don't necessarily know how tiring it is for some GP's unless they're told.

Literarylover

I posted in order to see what other grans' views were. I didn't expect to get an ear bashing RosiesMaw but I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest.
I do enjoy the time I spend with the little one but it is restricting (and tiring) having him 8am to 6.30 pm every Monday. I have six other grandchildren ( 8 in all once the new baby arrives) and a lot of time is spent helping with school runs, babysitting in the evenings etc. On reflection, I dont think I am being selfish. Of course I have no intention of " withdrawing support" - just redistributing it a little. I will chat to my daughter at the weekend and hopefully we can sort it out. Thanks everyone for your comments.

It's difficult to be fair if you have so many grandchildren.
I only have two living near me and do the school run every morning and one afternoon a week, with the odd evening of babysitting. Maybe a little more in the holidays.
I do find the "double school run" days a bit exhausting and can quite understand why you find a whole day rather tiring, I certainly would.
I can't understand why some people have given you an ear-bashing. It's up to you what you choose to do. However I hope that your daughter is sympathetic to your needs. My own daughter didn't realise that I found it so tiring until I told her.

But I don’t read it as the daughter ‘asking’ for help, she is just assuming. Surely anybody should ask not assume.

RosiesMaw2

^For goodness sake RosiesMaw, the OP's GS is not her responsibility and plenty of parents are able to manage a new baby and have the time to spend with the child they already have^
I despair.
Can you actually remember those early weeks with a new baby, a jealous toddler, broken nights, breastfeeding, stitches, hormones and exhaustion?
I had no help after my C sections and thanked my lucky stars for a perceptive health visitor who spotted that I was going under. Not saying DH wasn’t willing but no paternity leave. My mum and MIL hundreds of miles away - so yes, I’ve been there.
When my daughters had their babies I felt privileged to be part of their lives and that included taking “number one” off their hands to let mum get some rest.
OP makes it sound like a chore not a joy.
As it happens my daughters have more than once said “my children, my problem” and never taken advantage of me, so I’ve been lucky, but IMO this is just NOT the moment to withdraw support and step out of this little boy’s life.
I’m out.
The connection between the emphasis on Rights and Boundaries I meet so often here on GN is totally foreign to me and cannot be entirely separated from estrangement issues.

I agree with most of this post.

I was having babies when our eldest daughters were graduated University/ married/ having babies. I don't help much except filling freezers/paying cleaners. I know one can get on alone, I always did.

However this daughter asked for "help" - perhaps cut hours, do have the child round.

It isn't about the husbands health, particularly.

It's about wanting a bit of a break, for various reasons.

Literarylover

In answer to keepingquiet, I wasn't actually looking for " sympathy"- just other views. And to the person who wanted to know how how I wanted to be "thanked", I don't want thanks - just a bit of time for myself and DH in retirement before starting to mind the new baby.

So you have already agreed to look after the new baby? Presumably this is in addition to the three yr old?
Why did you agree to this if your DH's health is a problem?

Dillonsgranma

I think you are very lucky to have your grandchild one day a week. I live so far from my daughter that this is not possible for me.
Thank your lucky stars you are part of your grandsons life

Being part of your grandchild's life and sharing the responsibility of bringing them up are two very different things Dillonsgranma. These childcare arrangements are set in stone and often involve doing the school or nursery run, which is incredibly stressful. Grandparents are permanently tied to a strict schedule and unable to make plans of their own. Occasional babysitting or taking the GC's on fun days out is one thing but I certainly wouldn't want the same responsibilities as their parents in my mid seventies. Personally I don't think it's very safe or sensible either.

You are expected to continue? No. You need to communicate with your DD. She can take care of her baby and her toddler. If she is not going to raise them herself, she can get a second job to pay some nursery to do it. Sad but that is life and her decisions.

I would say that you're willing to continue as normal for the first month after the birth then do an occasional day for mum to have a break, while she's home on leave

I think you are very lucky to have your grandchild one day a week. I live so far from my daughter that this is not possible for me.
Thank your lucky stars you are part of your grandsons life