Bad behaviour

Boundaries are your friend - only commit to what your mental health can handle

You can can also tell your dh - if it bothers him, he can clean it

Horti I am so sorry you feel like this. You aren't the first and won't be the last.
There is another thread about being a people pleaser.... - maybe your love for and desire to please your family is at the root of not pleasing yourself.

We are all older and need some "recovery" time. We can't always jump when it's convenient for others.

Somehow this needs agreeing with your family - what you can reasonably do.
Involve your husband too.

Don't blame anyone. When people are cross they can't think straight.

If you currently have medical needs your family will understand this - but only if they know.

If it's never enough - then it's clearly not appreciated and, yes, other GP's do get this treatment.

Think back to when you had your small children. Did your own Parents live nearby and spend large amounts of their time helping you raise those children? Lucky you if they did, but it seems from the tone of your post that you would have been grateful for that, rather than entitled, and certainly not seek to take advantage.

I can't understand the entitled and demanding attitudes often illustrated in Gransnet threads when it comes to some Grans helping so much with childcare. Wonderful if you help out with your GC's and you're part of a family unit which pulls together and includes you - in good times and bad. And you're loved and appreciated for all that. But, if not, and your own needs, health problems, outings, holidays, time with Husband and friends are dismissed, then you need to have a re-think.

Why not take a step back - and then another one on each occasion that your feelings are dismissed or you feel shunned. You are possibly your own worst enemy : you've gone overboard but can see that it's never enough. Well, that's enough. Stop doing so much and be assertive, firm and unavailable when your own life needs to take precedence. It's clear now that in households where both parents need to work, childcare can raise problems. But there's helping and then there's being an unpaid on-call worker for very selfish and unappreciative employers. If you were being paid, would you be able to say that you had fair and considerate employers? Possibly not. No need to have big discussions or a falling out - you can only do what you are able and prepared to do at any agreed time. You've had your full-time children, so I was going to say 'not your circus, not your monkeys' now, but I can imagine that you don't find this situation in any way amusing. Try to back off and remember instead that your lovely Grandchildren have their own Parents....that's not you. Make your time with them count but also think about your own life, your own retirement, your own plans.
No need to even discuss or explain your 'odd ailments' - just start doing less and stop feeling unappreciated.

Grandmafrench
I wasn't suggesting discussing "odd ailments" at any length - just that they may be waiting for a hospital appointment, or couldn't currently lift a toddler up or that for 6 weeks they weren't able to drive.

It was because I read on another thread about someone who "didn't want to bother" her family with why she couldn't do x y z and was upset that her adult child and family were making (too many/too difficult) demands on her.

Thank you for your common sense responses
I had previously underplayed ailments due not wanting to add to the family stress
My mother did that but then we had a shock when we found out she was very sick and we would have supported her more
She helped within strict boundaries and I was very grateful for what she did
She had far more time to herself than I do and was much younger when our children were small
Now I do point out the things I have to deal with medically etc but I’m told ‘ your always ill ‘ or you’ve always got something /some excuse ‘ not to help which is very hurtful

Agsin it’s inconvenient and not respected

I think this comes from stress within the family ie they can’t really cope without help but have taken too much on as well as the children. Which they can’t manage by themselves
These days I’m seen as the bad guy as I am more assertive about my plans as for a year I had poor health still did the childcare but could t manage much socially as well and this got me down
I’m now prioritusing my own needs more which doesnt go down well
I’ve lost several friends recently and realise yome time to do what you want in retirement may be short and not to
Postpone those holidays/dreams etc
This is of course in conflict with their views that childcare is higher priority than anything we might want to do and that we can postpone these needs
They’re intelligent people but can’t see beyond their own needs

This is a lesson for all new grandparents. Start as you mean to go on. Make it clear that you still have your own life to get on with and your family are not the be-all and end-all of your existence.

Mine are all pretty good really though some are closer to us than others. On the whole they help us as much as we help them. They know we are both pretty busy with various things and don’t impose. Possibly because none of them really knew their grandparents very well because we had emigrated so there were no expectations there. Same with me, I really didn’t know my grandparents, hardly ever saw them except at Christmas.

Communication is the key. You must speak up, how will they know otherwise. Arrange a few things for yourself and DH then tell them you’re unavailable on those dates.
Start small and then gradually increase. It’s awful that your left feeling resentful, children are very hard work. We’re having our DGC three days next week and I know to keep the week after fairly quiet as we’ll be tired, and need to get the house back in some sort of order.
A friend of mine got so fed up with childminding they decided to go abroad after Christmas and are not coming back until March. Her family are not happy, but she told them, they’re your children not mine.

@Horti I have a similar case to yours, because my family are going through tough times right now and have small GCs we have been trying to help out as much as poss with babysitting, but we are not younger grandparents, I imagine you aren’t either from what you have said, I am in my late sixties and my OH is in his mid seventies, also we both have health problems. Thankfully we have stepped back recently and though we know that one daughter got the hump we could not do otherwise. It was breaking our backs. And this is the down side to ACs having children later in life. When we had our children my mum was still young enough to be working so we only got to see her at weekends. And we didn’t grumble.
Life is too short for us now to give up our social lives, holidays, or just sitting at home relaxing. Be assertive and tell your grown family that you will help, of course you will, we do the same, but not always on their terms, that as much as you love them you have a life you want to live and have temporarily had to give up. And if they get the hump they get the hump, they’ll get over it.
Wishing you all the luck with this 🌺🙏🏾

Why did you let the situation ever arise? have you always done everything for your children that they wanted since they were born?

I understand why people do this, but you end up breeding a rod for your own back because you end up not with loving caring children but spoilt brats (of all ages) who just see you as a convenient concierge service ready at their beck and call.

As others say,you need to stop now and start telling your children you cannot be at their beck and call. You have a life which includes friends, hobbies, health and holidays. Let them know that you will always be there in real emergencies. Like someone being admitted to hospital, but otherwise the care you provide will be dependent on your availability.

This will cause a lot of unhappiness and rows when you first start doing this, but harden your heart and crack on. You too are entitled to a busy life of your own.

You say DH moans about the state of the house etc. Does he do his share or are most of the chores and childcare duties done by you? In other words, is he part of the problem?

To be told that you're always ill or that you've always got something else to do or make excuses shows, that you are simply being taken for granted by your, I'm sorry to say, entitled and selfish AC Horti, and the only one who can change this is you.

If you have regular childcare commitments for example before and after school every day, give them notice that you are no longer able to do this for more than 3 days a week. If you have your GC during school holidays, decide what you would like and are able to do and give them notice to make alternative arrangements.

It can't be easy for parents both working with children but they're their children not yours and figuring out how to balance work with children and child care needs to be planned for before starting a family.

This is one of my pet gripes on GN . So many GPs giving more child care than that are comfortable with. Please remember and remind your AC that they are not entitled to free childcare from you!! Giving more than you are able takes away the joy of having GC. Remind you AC that you and your DH are getting older and have your own lives to live. It may be that your husband complains about the house being in a mess not because he really cares about that but because it is a reason to curb childcare!!
Your children are behaving badly and need reminding that their children are their responsibility!! Set boundaries, tell them what ( if anything) you are prepared to do , be ready for the back lash but stick to your guns!!! So many GPs in this situation and it now becoming expected that GPs are there simply for child care - they are not!!!! Be brave and good luck.

Start by learning to say “No!”.

Then remember to tell yourself, on a daily basis, that you’ve done you’re bit raising your own children and anything else you do in terms of childcare etc is a bonus (for your AC)

Socialise and have your hobbies, tell DH you don’t need his permission.

Can you afford a cleaner once a week? If yes, do it!

Life is short and precious and in our later years we deserve the peace, quiet and relaxing we desire.

* your not you’re!

Horti

Thank you for your common sense responses
I had previously underplayed ailments due not wanting to add to the family stress
My mother did that but then we had a shock when we found out she was very sick and we would have supported her more
She helped within strict boundaries and I was very grateful for what she did
She had far more time to herself than I do and was much younger when our children were small
Now I do point out the things I have to deal with medically etc but I’m told ‘ your always ill ‘ or you’ve always got something /some excuse ‘ not to help which is very hurtful

Agsin it’s inconvenient and not respected

I think this comes from stress within the family ie they can’t really cope without help but have taken too much on as well as the children. Which they can’t manage by themselves
These days I’m seen as the bad guy as I am more assertive about my plans as for a year I had poor health still did the childcare but could t manage much socially as well and this got me down
I’m now prioritusing my own needs more which doesnt go down well
I’ve lost several friends recently and realise yome time to do what you want in retirement may be short and not to
Postpone those holidays/dreams etc
This is of course in conflict with their views that childcare is higher priority than anything we might want to do and that we can postpone these needs
They’re intelligent people but can’t see beyond their own needs

I’ve had the “you’re always ill” from both AC and DH! My response is @yes, sadly I am, and do you know, it’s really bloody awful for me, be grateful this isn’t you!”

I get lots of tutting, sighing and face pulling at my response, but maybe one day the message will get through!

As I’ve mentioned somewhere else , you have to be straight. 3 AC, 6 GC. I was already committed to looking after my oldest 2 GC, plus working part-time, when I was asked to do nursery runs (2 days), by my youngest son, because d.I.l. wanted to go back to work. I had to politely refuse, because I just couldn’t make such a commitment. Emotionally drained, after a lengthy separation and divorce process, I was tired. But I agreed to do baby-sitting if they wanted to go out, which I did, and all is well with our relationship. Honesty is the best policy

Sounds like you are being taken very much for granted. To say ‘you are always ill’ is unkind and shows little care. For you.

I would cut back the on childcare and let them know you will be unavailable certain days or weeks. It’s your time and you have a life to live.

As to offering help or agreeing hot help with gc it’s easier to start off small and increase help rather than to reduce agreed help later because it’s just too much.

It might be an awkward conversation but the relief you feel will be great. Good luck.

Your children sound totally selfish and are not even asking if there is some help that YOU would like. So my suggestions are these. Over the next week make a list of things that you enjoy doing and who with. Look to see if there is perhaps a class or a club that you could go to once a week in the afternoon or whenever. Join it preferably with a similarly interested friend. Start going and after a couple of weeks mention to children how much you are enjoying this group activity. If you enjoy singing or acting this is also very good as it is a good back up. So then when they next think you can drop everything to suit them, you just say Oh I cant do thursday afternoons , or monday morning , whatever .DONT say sorry you are not available , just a pleasant tone to say you are not available. Any further moans from them as to why you cant change or whatever and you can honestly say well you are part of the team or the choir and it changes the tone of a choir if people dont go to all the rehearsals. Practise that for a while until they are used to you not being available, and hopefully are pleased for you to have an interest and at least not still moaning about your not being available. Then later on choose another day and go out. This could be with friend or husband or just the pleasure of NOT feeling guilty about spending some time just being free to do as you wish, Keep this up until they have accepted your right to do as you please and not as an unpaid servant, which is how they seem to think of you. If your husband just had one off bad tempered hassle that is ok but if he continues to tell you what you need to do, I personally would just look at him , say absolutely nothing and just carry on doing what I choose to. If he is being stroppy and trying to push you into doing what he thinks you should do and not taking his fair share of the chores, then I would have a mental listing of what seems to be a fair way to do things. You may have agreed specific jobs that suit you as in the old way of he gets the coal in and does the electrics and you do the ironing, or you may have sat down and looked at the very different way you are living as 2 retired people. There you could decide on any specific jobs that you really dislike or not feel safe to do and work out how you can pay for someone else to do, or how you might make your home less difficult to work in. If you feel he is not making an effort to share then I suggest that you do what you see as fair and leave anything else. So as a little shock tactic, if ne never makes the food shopping list or go to get it or put it away, then I would let all the stocks run down and not refill them on my own. Then plan to go off for a few days to stay with a friend or go on a course and leave him to sort himself out. When he finds that shelves do not fill themselves he may learn to take his part in organising dealing with it. If he complains to you about the lack of things it is your opportunity to explain that you are also retired now and that this job is not yours alone. The most important thing is to think about how you want it to be in the future. Write it down so that you can remind yourself why you need things to change. Good luck with it and let us know how things go

"These days I’m seen as the bad guy as I am more assertive about my plans as for a year I"

Ah, you are on the right track

Don't let them gaslight you

The bottom line is they decided to have children so said children are their responsibility... not yours.
Yes it is nice to be nice and help them.. when you can.. But their life choices do not dictate yours.
Stand strong.. say NO!!

Thanks everyone lots of great points to consider
I am pushing back more and making my own plans in advance rather than waiting to see if I’m free ( from childcare) then finding I can’t do what I want and getting frustrated
It’s all about balance I have a strong sense of fairness and what’s been happening isn’t fair !
The lack of respect /consideration is pretty appalling really
My DH will go along with their plans as he doesn’t do much socially and it gives him something to do so I’m agsin seen as the bad guy either the wrong priorities !
I have lots of ambitions of things I want to do and try and I’m booking them up especially after having that tough year when I was unable to do much at all
It’s going to be a tough transition but needs an open conversation at an appropriate time to talk about what’s fair

Go for it Horti, if not now then when? Seize the day.

Thanks yes it’s essential to not be seen as always available as it creates resentment and limits personal choices in what may be limited time
I have lots of things I want to achieve and people to see alongside helping
I love to see the GC but not st the drop of a hat every time
There’s bound to be a few fireworks