Elder abuse

Your brother wasn’t a great dad and his shortcomings clearly damaged his child.

He is not owed unsupervised access to his grandchild. It’s not using the child as a bargaining tool; that’s a foolish assumption. He has a track record of not being a positive force in a child’s life, and the person who can most attest to this understandably will not give him another opportunity to do damage to her own. This is called being a decent parent.

Giving his daughter money will not make up for what he was supposed to do for her when he was most needed, which was as a child. Unless he is documented as having dementia-related illness that affects his decision-making capacity, his choice to buy back affection from his daughter is entirely his own. Sorry, but I don’t feel empathy for parents who emotionally damage their children and expect good relationships later in life. He didn’t need to be perfect, he just needed to be a loving dad and it sounds like he wasn’t. Being elderly doesn’t absolve any of us of our past.

Lathyrus3

She is damaged as a result of his actions in her childhood.
What she’s doing isn’t good but I expect she’s very angry about what he did or didn’t do as a father. Why would she have any affection for him. He showed none to her.

He’s still in possession of all his faculties so I don’t really think this is abusive as such because he can still make decisions about what he does with his money and relationships. He has the power to say no even if the consequences are not what he wants.

But there we are. The decisions he made as a younger man have consequences. He’s never taken responsibility for them and even now you and his siblings are trying to protect him from them.

All of this. He behaved badly as a parent and knows it as a result he is trying to buy affection and attention as an adult and it seems to a point his daughter is letting him. Neither win human or the year here but as they’re both adults and I assume your brother is fully in control of his own faculties I think abuse is a stretch unkind? Yes but in the end some people are. Your brother seems fortunate to have any relationship with his daughter or granddaughter given what we know of his past so he’s free to chose to continue that or not on his own terms. It may well be he is okay with giving money in exchange for this. I’d perhaps speak with him once about how you feel and then leave him to make his own choices.

I don't think D is abusive.

She's within her responsibility, protecting her child.

He may likewise do as he wishes. Both are adults.

Well, choosing not to support his family means he’s he’s been able to lead an affluent life style and accumulate money.

I expect she feels she’s just evening up what he should have been contribute to her childhood and all the things she had to do without-

A kind of justice?

I’m quite surprised at all the sympathy for this uncaring abusive man. And so little for an abandoned child.

It sounds as if he was a rotten father, so IMO it’s laudable that he’s going to help them buy a house.

As for the lovely female friend, are you quite sure she’s lovely? Maybe the daughter is worried that she’s homing in on a vulnerable man, with £ signs in her eyes. It’s hardly unknown -
single elderly men can be extremely gullible to overtures from any woman who’s nice to them.
I know of at least one case of blatant, but very cleverly carried out, exploitation.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap applies to the D too; not a good example to set your own children.

I agree rafichagran.

Sounds like history repeating its self. It happened to members in my family. Sorry but it does not excuse the daughters payback and she knows its wrong.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Serves him right.

Does the lady friend know the background of his past behaviour? It would be a red flag for me.

Especially if he is lonely and wants friends plus wants to make up for past times I can see why he wishes to cultivate a good relationship with his daughter, but to be quite honest to her he is a cash machine. will be in contact when she wants something to suit her. it is sad but I do not think it will ever be the relationship that he wants.
it may be difficult but perhaps he would be better say joining a group or society he is interested in

If he were my father and had been abusive, I wouldn't let him anywhere near a child of mine. He may not be allowed to see his GD unless someone else is also present but even in those circumstances I wouldn't use my own child as a bargaining tool.

His D IMO is no better than her father.

Lots of people don't have good parents and had unhappy childhoods, but they don't thank goodness believe that gives them the right to be become abusive.

Just because he is now elderly doesn't mean he isn't the same abusive man. People rarely change that much. His daughter is taking advantage but she may think she deserves his money at least. It sounds as though he wasn't a good father and she may have had an unhappy childhood.

He was an abusive father and now he is elderly his daughter is talking advantage of his vulnerability! It easily happens, not right of course but understandable.

I think he should accept that his daughter will never forgive him, and money certainly isn't a solution.. In his position I would gratefully accept a relationship with the lovely woman from church.. be totally pragmatic..

Yes, I doubt he’ll see that though. She has no reason to care for him as a father so money is all he has to offer for her to have any contact with him. He can’t expect love or concern when he has shown none.

That’s why I wouldn’t call it abuse.on her part. He’s using his money to buy what he wants now. A family around him.
He’s still treating her badly. Not a person with feelings but as a commodity to suit his need. And she is responding as seller of that commodity. Who’s to blame for that?

That’s just another one in the succession of decisions he has made that have led him to where he is now.
But all his responsibility. Nobody else’s.

I agree Lathyrus. He needs to be told that giving her money and doing everything she wants will not make her into the daughter he wants her to be. Too late for that so he should continue with his friendship with the woman and ignore his daughter's demands.

What right did he have to think that he could go through life being a pig to his near and dear and there be no payback.
The daughters actions aren’t right but there are children who do think your going to pay now

I guess I just don’t feel any sympathy for him at all Smikeless He was a rotten father, pleased only himself, didn’t care at all for his daughter, his behaviour and abandonment left her with mental health problems. He was the abuser.

Now he’s old and lonely and still thinking only of himself and how he would now like some family to care for him.

I don’t think her actions are right, but I do think he has the daughter he created and deserves,

Me and my sister and brother are aware he may have been abusive, after all it was repeating how our father was (no excuse though) but I don’t think that if you’ve been abusive in the past it means you deserve to abused yourself when you’re old. He is very aware that his behaviour was wrong in the past and is sorry. As someone else has said, he may be accepting exploitation and coercive control from his daughter now because he’s sorry and trying to make amends.

Which is why coercive control became a recognised criminal offence in 2015 Shortbreadandkilts .

Smileless2012 you’re right, was thinking about abuse and coercive control in marriage and other romantic relationships - any one can be a victim.

I agree with Lathyrus.

You don't have to be lacking in all your faculties to be a victim of abuse and coercive control Lathyrus, those who find themselves in this position don't have the 'power' to say no; that's how coercive control works.

She is damaged as a result of his actions in her childhood.
What she’s doing isn’t good but I expect she’s very angry about what he did or didn’t do as a father. Why would she have any affection for him. He showed none to her.

He’s still in possession of all his faculties so I don’t really think this is abusive as such because he can still make decisions about what he does with his money and relationships. He has the power to say no even if the consequences are not what he wants.

But there we are. The decisions he made as a younger man have consequences. He’s never taken responsibility for them and even now you and his siblings are trying to protect him from them.

I think you and your siblings should visit in person (two hours isn't that far away) and have a discussion with him. At least you will know how much he understands about his daughter's behaviour. After that, it is his decision, particularly about the widowed lady from Church.