Elder abuse

'He has always given his daughter a lot of money...' therein lies your answer.

He is, I’m afraid, reaping what he sowed when his daughter was a child. He is free to do as he wishes and there’s nothing you can do about it.

IMO this is elder abuse and coercive control and in your position along with my other siblings, I would tell my brother.

His D doesn't want her father's new friendship to continue and possibly develop in case this loosens the control she has over him. She's guilt tripping him for financial gain and using emotional blackmail by threatening him with being unable to see his GD if he doesn't do what she wants.

I would also tell her that you know what she's doing and will do whatever you can to prevent any further abuse of your brother.

Thanks for replies so far.
Yes he is certainly reaping what was sown in the past and he knows it.
Even his ex says their daughter is manipulative. I feel she has developed this as a result of her childhood and she now has significant mental health problems.
I think he has capacity to make his own decisions although I believe his low mood and loneliness make him vulnerable. He would pretty much do anything for his daughter’s favour.
On the website I read it says that when a parent has been abusive they are vulnerable to abuse themselves from the children when they get old. His diabetes says he was emotionally abusive when she was a child but I’m not sure if this means he deserves abuse from her now.

His daughter says not diabetes!

It doesn't sound as though he'd win any dad of the year awards to be honest. He was "irritable, shouted a lot and was absent." I assume his wife divorced him because of this. He sounds abusive and I think the OP might be mitigating his behaviour somewhat as he is her brother. Now he sees the reality of being a lonely old man and is trying to buy his daughter's affection with monetary gifts. The daughter is happy to take them as she considers it a "pay back". She is alarmed at his new relationship as her inheritance might be threatened if he remarried.

He’s trying to make up for the past. He feels guilty, not much you can do really……

Maybe one day his D will reap what she has sewn. There's no excuse or justification for elder abuse.

He must have been a nightmare yes - just like our father, but I don’t think it’s acceptable for him to be abused himself now he’s old (if indeed it is elder abuse).

Smileless2012 I agree.

I think you and your siblings should visit in person (two hours isn't that far away) and have a discussion with him. At least you will know how much he understands about his daughter's behaviour. After that, it is his decision, particularly about the widowed lady from Church.

She is damaged as a result of his actions in her childhood.
What she’s doing isn’t good but I expect she’s very angry about what he did or didn’t do as a father. Why would she have any affection for him. He showed none to her.

He’s still in possession of all his faculties so I don’t really think this is abusive as such because he can still make decisions about what he does with his money and relationships. He has the power to say no even if the consequences are not what he wants.

But there we are. The decisions he made as a younger man have consequences. He’s never taken responsibility for them and even now you and his siblings are trying to protect him from them.

You don't have to be lacking in all your faculties to be a victim of abuse and coercive control Lathyrus, those who find themselves in this position don't have the 'power' to say no; that's how coercive control works.

I agree with Lathyrus.

Smileless2012 you’re right, was thinking about abuse and coercive control in marriage and other romantic relationships - any one can be a victim.

Which is why coercive control became a recognised criminal offence in 2015 Shortbreadandkilts .

Me and my sister and brother are aware he may have been abusive, after all it was repeating how our father was (no excuse though) but I don’t think that if you’ve been abusive in the past it means you deserve to abused yourself when you’re old. He is very aware that his behaviour was wrong in the past and is sorry. As someone else has said, he may be accepting exploitation and coercive control from his daughter now because he’s sorry and trying to make amends.

I guess I just don’t feel any sympathy for him at all Smikeless He was a rotten father, pleased only himself, didn’t care at all for his daughter, his behaviour and abandonment left her with mental health problems. He was the abuser.

Now he’s old and lonely and still thinking only of himself and how he would now like some family to care for him.

I don’t think her actions are right, but I do think he has the daughter he created and deserves,

What right did he have to think that he could go through life being a pig to his near and dear and there be no payback.
The daughters actions aren’t right but there are children who do think your going to pay now

I agree Lathyrus. He needs to be told that giving her money and doing everything she wants will not make her into the daughter he wants her to be. Too late for that so he should continue with his friendship with the woman and ignore his daughter's demands.

Yes, I doubt he’ll see that though. She has no reason to care for him as a father so money is all he has to offer for her to have any contact with him. He can’t expect love or concern when he has shown none.

That’s why I wouldn’t call it abuse.on her part. He’s using his money to buy what he wants now. A family around him.
He’s still treating her badly. Not a person with feelings but as a commodity to suit his need. And she is responding as seller of that commodity. Who’s to blame for that?

That’s just another one in the succession of decisions he has made that have led him to where he is now.
But all his responsibility. Nobody else’s.

I think he should accept that his daughter will never forgive him, and money certainly isn't a solution.. In his position I would gratefully accept a relationship with the lovely woman from church.. be totally pragmatic..

He was an abusive father and now he is elderly his daughter is talking advantage of his vulnerability! It easily happens, not right of course but understandable.

Just because he is now elderly doesn't mean he isn't the same abusive man. People rarely change that much. His daughter is taking advantage but she may think she deserves his money at least. It sounds as though he wasn't a good father and she may have had an unhappy childhood.