Untidiness

Do and say nothing and whilst untidy, it probably isn’t actually dangerously dirty.

My dear departed mother actually thought the same about our house!

We had three children under 5, a teenager and a dog and we both worked, no time for housework.

Take a deep breath and still visit and have a shower when you get home and wash your clothes, if it makes you feel better

I hate unnecessary untidiness and housework, my cleaner has my flat spotless but while I totally understand what you're saying and why, it's their house, not yours.

As long as the baby and /or any pets they might have are not in any danger from the untidiness then I wouldn't say anything to them, it could cause a lot of problems.

I feel so much better reading this thread as my house is constantly untidy despite my best efforts!

Yesterday a locksmith came to sort out my door- I had left it unlocked but couldn't find my keys anywhere! I looked in all the usual places and could tell he was getting increasingly annoyed with me. I told him I had just had a lot of post and there my keys were, under a pile of letters!

In my work I supported young people with mental health problems in their parents' (sometimes grandparents') homes. The ones I worried about most were the ones whose homes were spick and span with not a thing out of place...

As long as the baby is clean and well cared for there really isn't a problem.
Best not to try to change anything.
Relationships are what matter.

When in doubt, just remember your manners.

It is impolite to be a guest in anyone’s home and comment on the untidiness of it. You are a gran, not a resident. You must still mind your manners while in their home.

Please remember that your visits are a choice. If you do not like the state of their home, you can choose not to visit. If you want to continue to visit, just be polite.

However, I don’t think it’s rude to ask family if there is anything you can do for them. Leave it open-ended so that if they do want your help tidying they can say so themselves. In that case, have at it!

Being a gran is a dance between being a solid support and biting your tongue, imo. Life is great after you work past the missteps in the beginning—which we all make. Just get in as much time and cuddles with the little one as you can! Your son and dil will be fine

Readandcook hasn't been back!
I hope it works out well for you.

No harm in offering to do the dishes after a meal with them.
I would offer that to friend or family.

You can't go about (bringing the house up to your ideas of order ) tactfully. Leave it alone.
They may consider your house sterile and unwelcoming.

Elowen33

Think about how you would feel if they said your house is too clean and tidy to feel comfortable in and started to untidy it. living differently to you does not mean it is wrong.

I would not say anything, however I too cannot relax in what I consider to be an untidy place.

Quite 👏👏👏

Bonnybanko

I was boiling with rage when my mother in law tidied my house while I was away on holiday 🤬🤬🤬

Ditto Bonnybanko. Came back from Florida to find my whole kitchen had been totally rearranged as mil thought it should be. Said she was only trying to be helpful! Every single item went back in its previous place.

My MiL and FiL stayed in our flat while I was in hospital having my first baby. They lived 500 miles away.

DH probably enjoyed having his mum looking after him and they didn't stay on after I came home,

BUT!! She had completely rearranged our bedroom, bought things I would need for the baby and it felt weird somehow. The baby things were not things I'd have chosen in a million years I had all that I needed.
Just emphasising how easy it can be to interfere. I'm sure you mean well just as my MiL did.

Not your house, not your business.

My friend is very tidy and her daughter is not. Over many years she used to go and spend the day cleaning and tidying up, only to find it in a mess when she visited a few days later. She carried on with this nonsense fir some years before she realised she was beating her head against a very hard wall,

It’s not your house so say nothing and try to ignore the mess.

Just ask if you can help in any way. If they don't suggest helping to clean and tidy then you must button your lip!

Just thank you for this thread. I have been worrying myself sick about my dd's home.
It helps to know that I am not alone in this.

Ask if they would like any help.

If not, leave it all alone.

fancythat

Ask if they would like any help.

If not, leave it all alone.

Yes I agree.

Absolutely ignore it ; don’t do anything.

Thank you all for the messages.
It’s reassuring to know that this is not a rare occurrence.
I will generally offer my help but won’t mention cleaning the house and see what they say!
The last thing I would want to do is upset them x

No I wouldn’t volunteer, you will only make a rod for your own back, plus they might be offended.

Definitely DONT start tidying up, or suggesting that the way they live is not good enough etc. Surely your relationship with the people in your life is much more important than whether someone is tidy or not If you carry on in that way you may tidy your relationship and contact away too!! Be glad you are invited to visit, as you will have seen on here that many people sadly are not invited to be part of their grandchildrens or childrens lives, so in 10 years time you will not remember what was tidied or what was clean but you really will know if that has ruined your relationship with your family.

The things that might be more of help is offering to take children and babies out for a walk and give them a break. Then an offer to get a takeaway for everyone one evening, so no cooking to be done would be a treat and you will know that the food has been prepared in hygenic circumstances

Another possibility is just listen to the conversation and if you dil comments how much she dislikes ironing or whatever ou could then offer to do some for her. NOT pouncing on the toping straight away, implying her lack of whatever, but in a more casual way, so you could offer to "start" some ironing for her or whatever, and you need to respond to the way she takes it. She might be very grateful or very bristly in which case step back and dont refer to it again. Do they have a garden and do you garden? If so you can imply how you miss your garden and would enjoy doing a bit there. That should not be seen as critical of them but more you wanting to do some gardening.

If it all gets to you when you are there, arrange to go out for a walk on your own or to somewhere you would like to visit, and that could give you a break or you might like to go with them. Either way you get away from the mess for a while, but really if you concentrate on the people and not the things , I think you will have a happier and more relaxed time and keep your important relationship going.

(I would call myself an untidy but clean person!! Must have clean clothes and wash up etc etc, but my interests means that there will always be books and papers referring to two or three different interests, the local paper telling what is happening this week, sudoko, crossword and chess set, as I have a very bad back and cant keep either walking or sitting for long times, so have two or three things going at once and sit or stand when I am able. I am sure my friends would think everywhere is very scruffy but life is for living. No one will be remembering you for the quailty of your dusting when youre gone!!

I think an offer to help if done in good faith may be okay, but it depends on your relationship with your DS and DIL. My own DD is very untidy as is my DS2, whilst my other 2 DS are both very tidy, so I can understand your frustration. With my own DD I can be quite blunt and offer to clean up her flat, and with DS2, I makes jokes about how his kitchen isn’t my version of tidy, so any offers of help are usually welcome.

Maybe say how wonderful it is to have a baby and you know too that it is incredibly demanding. Ask if there is any way at all that you can help, practical things you could do to make things even a little easier - and do not press them, accept whatever they say. Having said this - you know your relationship with your dil and you may think this is not appropriate. My own daughter could not wait for me to help in every way - but all families and relationships are different, and a daughter is different from a DIL.

Perhaps offer general help, not specifically cleaning.
Say if you can ever help, if they need a good sleep or just want to go out for coffee with friends - after a while of course.
See where that leads?
But I wouldn't suggest cleaning help. I am getting occasional cleaning help and it is SO easy for even the most tactful person to unwittingly hurt someone.

I too, think it best to say nothing right now, it may well be that the young couple once they have had a chance to get little used to parenthood will realise that they need to be a little tidier and cleaner.

If not, the time to mention anything at all will be when the child starts crawling as then you can mention to your son that he needs to make sure electric flexes aren't a danger, that a heavy bookshelf cannot topple, and that they will be well advised to move things of the lower shelves.

You could offer to help in very general terms, now, saying something along the lines of "If you need any help, do ask." but don't specify "with cleaning, or tidying up".

None of my adult kids have followed in my clean and tidy footsteps.
The 2 that have kids try but they have different priorities.
My grandchildren are all healthy, bright and happy.
My Gran used to say " you got to eat a peck of muck before you die " .
This is true and helps develop a good immune system.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty I spent so much time cleaning but my kids don't seem to hold that against me !