I don’t know what to do

Is there any chance of you getting him into a crèche or playgroup? I realise these may not exist any more, so apologies if it’s a bad idea.

One day a week was more than enough for me, and I stuck to it. I don’t think that our children realise that we are too old to do child care on a daily basis. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking my mother to look after our children. She had done her time with bells on.

At the end of the day if something happens to you they will have to find a solution

Do you look after him at their house or at yours?

Is their house still in the shocking mess it was when you posted before or have things improved? You were going to look after the younger one at their house then even though your DIL was on maternity leave.

He was kicked out of daycare

Why? He must be under school age.
If the trained nursery staff couldn't cope with him why do his parents expect you can for ten hours a day?

Time for The Conversation "Much as I love him and would like to help ....... etc"

In response to your title, I think you do know what to do.

This arrangement is no longer working for you. You need to communicate it.

Grandparent doesn’t equal unlimited free childcare at your own expense. We don’t owe that to our children. I’m a huge proponent of helping family when possible. I provide childcare myself here and there, but I don’t give my children the impression that I will do so regardless of the effects on me. I love them. I support them. I also have to love and support myself. Your grandchild’s parents are aware of the challenges of minding him. They are aware it is their responsibility to arrange childcare. Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they can find appropriate arrangements.

We are allowed to put ourselves first when the little birds fly the nest and start their own. Don’t forget that.

NotSpaghetti

Please come back MrsSharples

I suspect that Mrs Sharples has not come back because she is looking for a solution that does not require her to face up to her grandson's parents and say 'enough is enough'.

We get a lot of these threads from grandmother's (usually) who have dug themselves into holes and now want to be magicked out of them.

They never come back because we always tell them that the only way out is to inform your grandchildren's parents that you can do no more and that they must make other childcare arrangements and they know this will lead to family rows etc and possible estrangement because their AC have got used to treating their parents as door mats and walking all over them and object when the door mat suddenly gets up and walks away. But the grandparents have only themselves to blame.

You have to be honest and straight. I was, when my son asked me to do 2 days drop and pick up. I was already committed to the school run (2 days ) for my daughter’s children. And I was working part-time. So, all that I offered was ‘baby-sitting’ if they wanted an evening out. I think they were disappointed, but we are fine - no hard feelings. Honesty is the best policy .

You know what you want to do, and what you want is no more than you're entitled to. They are long hours. Childcare by grandparents has to be freely given, I know that can be the case, but not always, and to feel under the pressure you are is not good for you or your grandchild. You are being dumped on, ultimately he is his parents responsibility.

Please come back MrsSharples

6am till 4am four days a week¡!!!!???????
This is absolutely out of order, I have voiced my opinion about this on GN many times. I am also NNEB trained and loved my work, I offered one day a week child care . I have had my three children , love my GC but they are not my responsibility! Too many GPs in your situation being a burnt out, this is not encouraging a sound relationship with your GC. Your last scentance indicates you are well and truly at the end of your tether - of course you are!! The parents are wiping the floor with you , tell them NO MORE. Explain you want a proper relationship with your GC , where the children have a happy and loving GM. You don't deserve this , stand your corner in a firm but polite way. They must take responsibility for their child, quite simply this is not fair.

Sorry OP, but this is ridiculous. It has to stop. The parents will have to employ a nanny or au pair if mainstream childcare doesn't work. It's their child and their responsibility which they freely chose. Not yours. I doubt they'll offer reciprocal care when you collapse through exhaustion.

I helped look after our GC over eight hours a day for over two years. I was exhausted at the time. So when our new GC came along I said I could not help as much. I wanted to be available to see our third GC who does not live close by.

It did cause a little friction at the time but I had to be honest to my son and daughter in law. They did get over it and a few years later I do occasionally help out and now it’s much more relaxed and enjoyable.

Our families do take us for granted if we allow it compared to our grans who we just visited. My grans would never have considered being our carers there were far too many of us.

It depends on your GCs age what support he should be getting and if he needs specific daycare. Especially because he was kicked out of daycare he was attending. The parents are dragging their feet they have to take responsibility for their child.

Same thoughts as M0nica from me.

Are you a returning poster? I think I recognise the name.

I agree with all the above comments - Easter is approaching and you need to tell them that's your notice period and you will no longer be available afterwards to look after their son.

The longer you provide free child care the longer they will take advantage of you.

You need to tell them exactly what you have told us on GNet.

Sorry I meant the end of April

It sounds like they are getting free childcare and taking advantage of your goodwill. Be honest with them and say you can't do it any more. If you are getting burout, you will not be physically able to look after the little lad.

If you think that they will not take much notice or make much effort then I suggest a little white lie, or you could actually get a doctors appointment and check if there is anything else that is causing you to feel so exhausted, but it sounds as though it is simply too much . So if you think you would find it easier to tell them that the doctor has told you that it is too much and you cannot do it any more. You could also say that if you dont rest more you will not be able to do any childcare at all.

Being generous , it could be that they dont see that you can do less as you get older, and if they have been used to your being very fit and active they still think of you in that way.
Or more likely, they are just being selfish and dont want to notice that you are doing too much as they will have to do something themselves.

My suggestion about the dr is so that they cannot then try and make you feel guilty or be pressured into continuing. To add to this I think it would be very good to give them a time, so perhaps easter or a week later when you will be away for a few days. Really do go away, even if it is just b/b for 3 nights and not very far away. Perhaps go with a friend or have chance to meet up with an old friend for a day during that time.

The point of that is , firstly you do need the rest, but it will also show them that this is now happening and is not going to change. However much you enjoy your grandchild, he is their child and they should be working out the best way to organise their lives, without expecting you to provide permanent care. Then when you are away, you could think about what you want to do, dont think about what they want. Just think if you would prefer to provide childcare on a set day or two, or only be available for some of the school holidays. Whatever you decide then you can present that to them when you go back. It is important that you just offer what you feel you can manage, and dont let them twist your arm to do more. You can always say that the doctor has said that you are not up to doing so much and if you continue you might need support yourself.

We all try and help our children of course, and with the cost of living things are difficult for many people. However I do think that many children think theyhave the right to expect help and are not grateful for what we do for them. In my case, I moved and lived abroad and travelled, so never expected any help with my family. I was grateful for any help I did get but it was not a right. We all muddled through in the best way we could , and made plans with friends and found ways of looking after our family and working. They try now to say how hard the mortgage etc is but I was in the middle of buying a house when the mortgage went up to 15% which they have never seen. So do take a break and hopefully get to a more practical and sensible arrangement. GOOD LUCK

They could be dragging their feet looking for daycare because they think you are fine with this.
Tell them you just can’t cope with so much daycare, as others have said state what you think you can do to help out but insist you have a complete break for now to recover.
I have looked after small GCs for days at a time but not on a regular basis and it really is just too exhausting as we get older.
Your well-being matters. Say something now, don’t delay.
All the best.
🌺🌺

Why was he kicked out of daycare?

Big hugs

I was a NNEB nursery nurse and loved my job but gave up childcare when I was 57. It's exhausting looking after a small child even part time never mind the hours you're doing.

I'm sure you want to help the parents out with offering childcare but those hours are crazy.

Could you suggest they find alternative day care and you have him part time to help out. Easter is a bit too soon, maybe give them until the end of March

Do they know how you're feeling?
Surely being with an exhausted granny isn't best for the child either, you could start off explaining this to them first

Thinking of you xxx

You’ve done your bit and as they don’t seem to be in a hurry to find him another daycare setting it’s time for you to start the ball rolling and have that conversation.

Think about what YOU want, give them a deadline and be firm and stick to it.
He is their child and their responsibility even if one of the parents has to adjust their work hours or days to fit around his needs.They signed up for this, you didn’t.

You are his grandma NOT his childcare!

If he is not able to manage daycare he is surely needing specialist support?

I am another who would say no more - after (say) 6 weeks.
Easter is very soon.

Tell them what you have told us.


Offer one day if you want to.
I wouldn't do that personally but maybe you want to?

I am joining the other posters. Tell your grandson's parents what you have told us - that you are finding it too tiring and exhausting and that it is making you mentally and physically ill. Then give them a deadline, Easter or the end of April.

As a matter of concern in all this, how old is your grandson and why did the daycare facility ask his parents to remove him?

Imarocker is spot on.