Is It Wrong To Feel Like This ?

I'm so lucky to have a DS and DiL who are fairly even handed in seeing both sides of the family and sometimes all of us together. The other grandparents have other GC too while my DS's children are my only ones, so they are busier. We all live at a fair distance - 200 miles in different directions. I plan to move nearer when I finally declutter and downsize. I could then see more of them than the other grandparents but I don't see it as a competition. I just want to be closer so I can be more help.

Try to make the most of the times you do have to build a special reationship with your grandchild.

My in-laws lived nearer to us when my children were young and were very pushy and demanding about seeing us. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't push harder to see my own mum more often. She lived much further away, didn't drive and my ex husband was reluctant to visit regularly. It meant that she missed out on having as close a relationship with my children. She had other GC living nearby but my brother and his wife spent more time with her family socially and used my mum more for babysitting duties. It's a common situation and I wish I'd done more to enable my children to know their gran better. They both still make the effort to see my ex's mum who is now very elderly and frail, but never really had an adult relationship with my mum, who died when they were both still students.

Your situation is more common than you'd think. Soeak with your DS explaining how you feel. That's all you can do.

I think aonk makes a good point. Although I’m in the fortunate position of being very involved with my sons’ (and daughters’) children I do agree about having something special to do with grandchildren.

My husband cycles with them and takes them off to the garage to make things and I spend time in the kitchen with them; baking, making jam, sweets etc. I also send them cards and little gifts in the post now and then. Nothing expensive (the cost of the stamp is eye watering nowadays), but things that will fit in an envelope and generate a bit of excitement.

Maybe you could try something similar in times to come?

We don't see much of my son and DIL and their two children but accept that she is bound to be closer to her mother than to us, particularly as her father died during Covid. We get on well, but I don't honestly expect to see as much of them as they see their other grandmother, whom they see every couple of weeks. I'm sorry that this is the case, but I'm not upset by it.

We had a similar issue; we just made sure that when we did see the GC we played and did home stuff with them. ,something their career parents had little time for; The kids lives revolve around fulltime at nursery then school, after school a tight timetable of clubs, activities, classes etc.

Our USP is the exact opposite. All the time in the world to do your own thing.

It's not about expensive outings or commercial "entertainment". With us the GC can just "be". We childproofed our home and got 2nd hand cots, potty, highchairs so visiting us was as easy as possible for their parents. In the toddler/primary years we kept a shifting array of cheap charity shop toys , very old scooters, bikes).Walks, the beach, paper and crayons, board games, "letting them help", simple DIY and domestic skills, just very oldfashioned childhood-at=home- stuff. Quality time over quantity time.

Then both DILs parents (same age as us) got ill, crabby with kids, then died. Now we're the only GP's, the kids are teenagers, and we're still making sure we give them individual attention and stuff to do of a different kind; cooking, DIY, ecology, games based on vocabulary, logic, tactics. Now they're old enough to have phones and exchange texts and whatsapp even when we're not face to face. It's still a lot of fun.

Do try not to see these family relationships as in need of constant maintenance. Of course the new Mum will be the dominant partner , and she will tend towards HER mum for support. It's Not About You.

greybadger

Many thanks for your feedback, it really helps to give me a different perspective. The key is to enjoy the moments we do get, and worry less on the time we don't get.

Agreed.

Yes I also understand Greybadger. We have experienced a similar situation with our son and his family. I do think though it's more common for the wives/ female partners to have greater connections with their families. My son seems happy to follow his wife's lead in that regard. We, or should I say I have felt hurt about this in the past, at times still do if I'm honest. However, life is short and now I very much concentrate on hobbies, trips away, friends etc. Not always easy though, I can appreciate your perspective though!

Keep it simple and know this is early days. I suggest you acknowledge your distress, to yourselves, because it is real, and then realise your son and DIL have a very different idea about what is happening. DIL is understanndably focused on her own family - do not risk pushing her further away by what you now say or do, even though you are hurt. Talk to your son - without judging or blaming, and know there are many years ahead. So do as others have suggested and make their visits to you happy ones, enjoy them yourself, and know a sound positive foundation now will always work better for you than creating negativity with DIL, though I see this is something you are working on avoiding. You are kind and loving and you can see things in perspective - so step back, breathe, and take it one step at a time, I wish you well.

greybadger I could have written your post! We have much the same situation here with our DS’s two children who are our youngest two grandchildren. They live five minutes away but we hardly ever see them unless they need last minute babysitting or school pick up. The other grandparents live an hour away and I can tell from FB that there’s a lot of zipping up and down the motorway for fun outings. I have to accept it’s how it is. No use tackling DS about it, he’s married and has other priorities I realise. He can also be very touchy so I feel if he was challenged we might see even less of them all. We just enjoy it when we do see them as I love all the grandkids dearly and I do see the others more regularly.

Many thanks for your feedback, it really helps to give me a different perspective. The key is to enjoy the moments we do get, and worry less on the time we don't get.

Luckygirl3

And say nowt! ... nothing to be gained at all by expressing your dissatisfaction over this. It will just make every visit/arrangement tense.

I agree completely. You can’t force people to want to spend time with you and any I certainly wouldn’t want any ‘duty only’ involvement which is doomed to be unsuccessful.

Nagging your son (however gently you do it) is likely to cause issues and quite frankly if your son wanted to involve you more I think he probably would. We have 16 grandchildren and great grandchildren and it has been inevitable that we have seen more of those who family need our help for whatever reason. And as LuckyGirl has said the less we have become unable to provide help and support, the less involvement we have had. There have been many times over the years that I’ve wished there were more people to help out and that we weren’t always the first point of call.

Just try to get on with your own lives. Too many grandparents seem to want to spend too much time orbiting their grandchildren.

Somewhat late in life I learnt that it's no good feeling resentful. I used to invite one adult child and her family for meals often because I enjoyed their company and wanted to see my grandchildren growing up. I pushed the boat out and made really good meals. They are a very busy family and would roll up , enjoy dinner and more often than not depart in a rush, so there was little conversation which was what I craved. So, feeling a bit resentful I decided to stop being a domestic Goddess! and concentrate on my grandchildren. I rarely do the posh nosh now and just invite the grandchildren round or take them out. Much more fun for me.
I think it's best you say nowt as advised by others but to make the most of it when you do see your grandchild. When she/he is older you could suggest some fun things to with you.

The way I see it you have three options.

You can accept the dynamic as is and make the best of it. Comparison is the thief of joy and no two family relationships will have the same dynamic. Stop reading posts on social media that upset you and live in and enjoy the moments you have.

If you feel your help is being taken for granted, stop offering the help. Young families likely gravitate towards family relationships where they get help and support, so be aware of the consequences of that. In this case, time spent with you will be a demand on their resources and they will adjust accordingly. Sounds transactional but it's true. If I was struggling I would rather spend time with family who makes me feel taken care of than family who needs taken care of. That's just how it goes.

The third option is to reflect on the feedback they gave you and adjust. You said they say it is because of you, but you haven't said if you addressed that. If you just tried to reflect it back on them, I can see how that didn't get you very far. You're the one that wants to change the relationship and it sounds like you have some idea of how to do that.

Take control in one of these ways. You can't control others but you can control yourself.

Also, I agree with those saying to look towards your son for managing this. It's his job. Men don't benefit from being treated like they have no agency over these things. As grown adults and equals with their partner, they have control too.

As the mother of two sons I know exactly how you feel...when my first grandchild was born she was eighteen months old before I was allowed to take her out for a walk in the pram on my own.
It was the birth of her sister which made me needed I guess. I was hurt by this but kept my thoughts to myself.
I don't see my granddaughters as much as the other GPs but when I do I just concentrate on building a good relationship with them. To be honest because they don't see as much of me, when they do they are so pleased to see me and can't wait to show me anything new they have done.
My advice would be to bide your time and when your GC gets a little older try and build a relationship with them for yourself. Also don't have an opinion on any aspect of child care unless asked that's the best advice I can give you.

I think I agree with BlessedArt that the responsibility for contact with you lies with your son.

F he leaves it to his wife to arrange the babysitting she probably is going to contact people in her family first.

If it’s her Facebook page or she is the one who posts on a family page then she is going to talk about people,e in her family or her friends.

Unfortunately most men sit back and leave it to women to arrange social stuff so he is the one you need to talk to about arranging stuff that includes you.

It’s no use feeling resentful of what your DIL arranges for her family. She’s being a good daughter.

No, not wrong to feel as you feel.

greybadger who has FB, dil or son? Perhaps have reasonable expectations of only your son as he is understand you and you understand him?

If you're resentful paying to go out to a meal, don't invite them.

I agree with Astitchintime, your son at least may be more appreciative if you're not always at their beck and call.

When they do visit you prepare a meal in advance or buy ready made dishes. Leave all clearing up until after they have left. Tell them nicely that you’re finding away of spending more time with them.
Also find a way of being different or special. For example my DH grows vegetables and the GC love that. I’m known for making cookies. Anything will do that singles you out from other family members.

All credit to my daughter, whose in-laws were as involved with the GC , if not, more. I was divorced and working part-time, so I could not do any more.
But greybadger it does happen. Be assured your GC will love you just as much.
I have 6 GC. I spend varying amounts of time with them. But their love for me is no less, no more .
Enjoy the time you have with your GC.

You could consider saying ‘no’ occasionally when they ask for babysitting, cash or a free meal. Keep behaving like doormats and you will forever be treated as such.

It isn't you, and yes it is very common. You deal with it, as others have said, by building on that relationship with your son first of all. He was once your baby too- did you encourage your own MIL to play an active part in his life?
Sometimes opening up a wider perspective helps.

What a well thought out perfect answer Blessed Art

Bide your time, say nothing and make every visit a joyful event. This will pay off in the long run, you GS will eventually grow and be more interactive so make sure he enjoys your company when he does visit.
Your situation is not unusual, but could become a disaster if you’re not careful.

And say nowt! ... nothing to be gained at all by expressing your dissatisfaction over this. It will just make every visit/arrangement tense.