Competing priorities

I think that it would be a good time to explain when you next see her and are in a reasonable frame of mind, that you need to explain that you can no longer be relied upon to come and look after the grandchild that you already have. That the situation at home means that it is more than likely you may have to give more assistance to your husband as his health is now not so good. That you will always want to help where you can but that she should not rely on you as she has previously as you now have more claims on your time at home and that you cannot be sure of availability at specific times. This is definitely true, not an excuse at all, but it also makes clear that no only can you not carry on doing what you already do but certainly can not be relied on for more help than before. This does not alter your daughters right to choose what she wants to do, but does make it clear that you can no longer be expected to be the first port of call for help in the future.

It will be better to think things through and then inform your daughter of your situation. That way she will know the situation and whilst she can make up her mind as to what she wants to do, she knows in advance that she cannot assume that you will provide the support that she has come to expect.
I do feel that our generation had done all their own childcare, and now it seems to be assumed that we will be available to provide free childcare not just for the odd week but on a permanent basis. Whilst we may not look different and are able to do things for the odd day, we no longer feel upto doing things every day. I am now 80 and would still do what I can to help my family out, but definitely am not up to doing as much as I did 10 years ago. You might need to remind them that you are that bit older and not up to doing such a lot these days!!

I hope you at least don't feel obliged to cut yourself in half Queenslandnana.

If your daughter truly thought it wasn't possible without your helpshe would definitely have moved to be nearer - or would not be considering a second child.

Thanks everyone for all your feedback …. I guess we all try to please everyone sometimes and it’s impossible! Yes in answer to the question about the donor … the grandchildren can contact the father when they are 18 … but he has already said he is contactable earlier if necessary.

TBH I wouldn't even consider doing so Queenslandnana. If your D wants you to be nearer, she can make the move.

Great idea!

TiggyW, this seems rather rude, you have no idea of the circumstances here.

I think you are making a lot of assumptions regarding Queenslandnana's daughter and her choice to have children. I am pretty sure she is not depriving children of a father to make them fashion accessories!

I don't know the law in detail in Australia but I'm certain that children born through sperm donations have rights. I thought Australia was a country that gave access to info at about 16. I think they may also be able to have the info regarding any genetic siblings in other families. Most western countries have had laws around this for some years now.

Don't forget, some people who are conceived through intercourse never get to know anything about their biological father.

Well said Grammaretto!
IMO it’s selfish to purposely deprive one child of its father, let alone two, and then expect ageing grandparents to bear the brunt! Some women regard babies as fashionable accessories. If I were such a child, I would ultimately want to meet my father.

Please try not to feel guilty!
It is her choice and a strange one IMO.
Having been brought up by a single parent after dad was killed in a plane crash, I cannot understand how people women can embark on single parenthood by choice.
Babies are cute but they grow up!

Romola

We are of one voice on this thread, and I'm adding mine.
You have your unwell husband and your other daughter to consider. The first daughter must take responsibility for any decision she makes. Good luck to all

And , I am not seeing either of you considering YOUR life, hobbies and friends, your doctors/dentists/healthcare.

You are already doing far more than she has any right to expect, at your own cost. Her assumption that you will put your life on hold is staggering in its selfishness.

This is down to your DD. She is choosing to have a second child, so it’s up to her to organise child care and work arrangements - this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is surely to your DH first and foremost who you say has health issues, and doesn’t want to move.

The fact that your DD has chosen to stay put after all is her choice, and that’s fine, but by doing so, she must realise, surely, that the bulk of responsibility regarding child rearing and care is down to her and she can’t expect you to uproot yourself to be nearer to her where, no doubt, you’d end up taking on more and more of the child care.

Also, what if your own health starts to deteriorate? You say your health is fine at the moment, and that is good, but the older we become the more likely issues will arise, plus you are likely to start feeling wearier, which often comes as we age - this would be compounded by looking after 2 lively young children.

Please, do not feel guilty. You have to put your well being and that of your DH first. Your DD at 40 is well old enough to sort out problems as they arise. It might be that she will have to relocate to be nearer you, even though she has changed her mind for now to do so, but even if she does that, the bulk of child care arrangements should still be her responsibility to sort out without any expectation that you will do the bulk of it.

Well only you can decide if your daughter and grandchildren are your priorities.

Or your husband and your other daughter.

Which relationships do you value the most? Because which ever you chose the others will know they mean less to you.

If lack of spare bedrooms is what is concerning you regarding visiting your daughter if she has another baby, it doesn’t have to be an issue, we sleep on a futon when we visit from the UK to my son’s house in France alternately the children could just share a room whilst you’re there

I have toyed with moving 200 miles to be near my younger DD and her DH if their IVF attempt is successful but during the last year my own DHs health has deteriorated rapidly and we've no idea what the near future will bring for him. I'm struggling already to manage everything. A year ago he was fit as a flea.

Your priority is yourself and your DH for most of the time, not your DD. Needs must.

Why should you feel guilty. Your DDs decision to have children o her own is her decision.yes as a GP we usually want to help out but you have to be realistic. When my GS was born,similar had a two hour flight. I visited for a week every month for 6 months to help out and to get to know my GS even though my DS was there too. I eventually reduced my visits and now just visit for special occasions, they visit me too. Let your DD live her life how she is choosing.

We are of one voice on this thread, and I'm adding mine.
You have your unwell husband and your other daughter to consider. The first daughter must take responsibility for any decision she makes. Good luck to all

This is your daughter's choice. Surely she cannot expect you to uproot and move because she wants to continue towork etc and have another child with you to look after said child????! Very selfish if that's what she expects.

We chose to move near to my daughter to help out when she decided to adopt siblings as a single parent (in her late 30’s). We knew we would have to downsize in anny case and like the area where she lives so it wasn’t a problem, but if she decides to move again I don’t think we’d move with her. Several older people here have had their family move away and miss them, but moving with them was too big an ask.

Mums choose how they live, you're included in that thought. Make priority to what suits your finances and you & your husband.

I'd not leave our home and move to our adult child, my opinion.

SueDonim

This is a problem for your daughter to solve, not you. It would be madness to relocate. Suppose your daughter decided later that she’ll move elsewhere - you’d be left stranded somewhere you don’t really want to be.

Yes, this too!

Why should you feel guilty? Your daughter has made the decision to have these children as a lone parent. It is up to her to sort out the professional care they need, not just assume that her mother will take on her parental role when it is inconvenient for the her to do so.

Just tell your daaughter, quietly and firmly that there is no way you are relocating just to do the mothering it is inconvenient for her to do.

She is a big girl npow, capable of thinking through all her decisions and dealing with their consequences on her own without expecting her mother to bale her out whenever they are inconvenient.

Thanks for all your comments… most helpful and sensible. Yes, my daughter relocating here would be the solution and she did say she would relocate if she had another child but has since changed her mind, which of course is her choice. Hopefully things will pan out.

This is a problem for your daughter to solve, not you. It would be madness to relocate. Suppose your daughter decided later that she’ll move elsewhere - you’d be left stranded somewhere you don’t really want to be.

Surely a 40 year old should be able to make life choices without relying on a parent for help. If she cannot look after 2 children without your help then maybe one is enough.

Tell her the current situation is not sustainable for you so will will have to rethink her choices and either move closer to you if she wants your help.

Also, re-reading your original post I see that your husband already has health issues.
Surely HE is your priority now.

A single person at 40 can move anywhere (and even totally reinvent themselves) without having to even think about a partner and their needs... and with her oldest only being 2 years old she doesn't even have to think about moving schools!

Why would you even consider upping sticks from where you are when two people you love don't want to?

Her choice…..her responsibility and I think it would be unfair of her to expect you to step up to be honest.
She works, she earns, she should pay for childcare.