Competing priorities

This might sound tough, but it's her choice and she will have to make arrangements for childcare if she wishes to have a second child as a single mother.

I think childcare facilities are fairly good in Australia, from what I know of them, although that's from a few years ago when DGC was little.

Is it possible for your DD to relocate nearer to you, so that you can help her if you feel able to? Or is her job dependent on her present location?

Much as you want to see your DGC and help, I think this is expecting too much.

This is her choice.

I can see you have been both a big help and have enjoyed your time as a grandmother to her baby but I would not be moving house!
You have a daughter who lives near you. Do you not see her too?
What if she had children?
What if your husband needed help or you were unable to travel/were ill?

I think your daughter needs to get childcare in order locally.
OR she is the one needing to move house!

Her choice…..her responsibility and I think it would be unfair of her to expect you to step up to be honest.
She works, she earns, she should pay for childcare.

Also, re-reading your original post I see that your husband already has health issues.
Surely HE is your priority now.

A single person at 40 can move anywhere (and even totally reinvent themselves) without having to even think about a partner and their needs... and with her oldest only being 2 years old she doesn't even have to think about moving schools!

Why would you even consider upping sticks from where you are when two people you love don't want to?

Surely a 40 year old should be able to make life choices without relying on a parent for help. If she cannot look after 2 children without your help then maybe one is enough.

Tell her the current situation is not sustainable for you so will will have to rethink her choices and either move closer to you if she wants your help.

This is a problem for your daughter to solve, not you. It would be madness to relocate. Suppose your daughter decided later that she’ll move elsewhere - you’d be left stranded somewhere you don’t really want to be.

Thanks for all your comments… most helpful and sensible. Yes, my daughter relocating here would be the solution and she did say she would relocate if she had another child but has since changed her mind, which of course is her choice. Hopefully things will pan out.

Why should you feel guilty? Your daughter has made the decision to have these children as a lone parent. It is up to her to sort out the professional care they need, not just assume that her mother will take on her parental role when it is inconvenient for the her to do so.

Just tell your daaughter, quietly and firmly that there is no way you are relocating just to do the mothering it is inconvenient for her to do.

She is a big girl npow, capable of thinking through all her decisions and dealing with their consequences on her own without expecting her mother to bale her out whenever they are inconvenient.

SueDonim

This is a problem for your daughter to solve, not you. It would be madness to relocate. Suppose your daughter decided later that she’ll move elsewhere - you’d be left stranded somewhere you don’t really want to be.

Yes, this too!

Mums choose how they live, you're included in that thought. Make priority to what suits your finances and you & your husband.

I'd not leave our home and move to our adult child, my opinion.

We chose to move near to my daughter to help out when she decided to adopt siblings as a single parent (in her late 30’s). We knew we would have to downsize in anny case and like the area where she lives so it wasn’t a problem, but if she decides to move again I don’t think we’d move with her. Several older people here have had their family move away and miss them, but moving with them was too big an ask.

This is your daughter's choice. Surely she cannot expect you to uproot and move because she wants to continue towork etc and have another child with you to look after said child????! Very selfish if that's what she expects.

We are of one voice on this thread, and I'm adding mine.
You have your unwell husband and your other daughter to consider. The first daughter must take responsibility for any decision she makes. Good luck to all

Why should you feel guilty. Your DDs decision to have children o her own is her decision.yes as a GP we usually want to help out but you have to be realistic. When my GS was born,similar had a two hour flight. I visited for a week every month for 6 months to help out and to get to know my GS even though my DS was there too. I eventually reduced my visits and now just visit for special occasions, they visit me too. Let your DD live her life how she is choosing.

I have toyed with moving 200 miles to be near my younger DD and her DH if their IVF attempt is successful but during the last year my own DHs health has deteriorated rapidly and we've no idea what the near future will bring for him. I'm struggling already to manage everything. A year ago he was fit as a flea.

Your priority is yourself and your DH for most of the time, not your DD. Needs must.

If lack of spare bedrooms is what is concerning you regarding visiting your daughter if she has another baby, it doesn’t have to be an issue, we sleep on a futon when we visit from the UK to my son’s house in France alternately the children could just share a room whilst you’re there

Well only you can decide if your daughter and grandchildren are your priorities.

Or your husband and your other daughter.

Which relationships do you value the most? Because which ever you chose the others will know they mean less to you.

This is down to your DD. She is choosing to have a second child, so it’s up to her to organise child care and work arrangements - this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is surely to your DH first and foremost who you say has health issues, and doesn’t want to move.

The fact that your DD has chosen to stay put after all is her choice, and that’s fine, but by doing so, she must realise, surely, that the bulk of responsibility regarding child rearing and care is down to her and she can’t expect you to uproot yourself to be nearer to her where, no doubt, you’d end up taking on more and more of the child care.

Also, what if your own health starts to deteriorate? You say your health is fine at the moment, and that is good, but the older we become the more likely issues will arise, plus you are likely to start feeling wearier, which often comes as we age - this would be compounded by looking after 2 lively young children.

Please, do not feel guilty. You have to put your well being and that of your DH first. Your DD at 40 is well old enough to sort out problems as they arise. It might be that she will have to relocate to be nearer you, even though she has changed her mind for now to do so, but even if she does that, the bulk of child care arrangements should still be her responsibility to sort out without any expectation that you will do the bulk of it.

Romola

We are of one voice on this thread, and I'm adding mine.
You have your unwell husband and your other daughter to consider. The first daughter must take responsibility for any decision she makes. Good luck to all

And , I am not seeing either of you considering YOUR life, hobbies and friends, your doctors/dentists/healthcare.

You are already doing far more than she has any right to expect, at your own cost. Her assumption that you will put your life on hold is staggering in its selfishness.

Please try not to feel guilty!
It is her choice and a strange one IMO.
Having been brought up by a single parent after dad was killed in a plane crash, I cannot understand how people women can embark on single parenthood by choice.
Babies are cute but they grow up!

Well said Grammaretto!
IMO it’s selfish to purposely deprive one child of its father, let alone two, and then expect ageing grandparents to bear the brunt! Some women regard babies as fashionable accessories. If I were such a child, I would ultimately want to meet my father.

TiggyW, this seems rather rude, you have no idea of the circumstances here.

I think you are making a lot of assumptions regarding Queenslandnana's daughter and her choice to have children. I am pretty sure she is not depriving children of a father to make them fashion accessories!

I don't know the law in detail in Australia but I'm certain that children born through sperm donations have rights. I thought Australia was a country that gave access to info at about 16. I think they may also be able to have the info regarding any genetic siblings in other families. Most western countries have had laws around this for some years now.

Don't forget, some people who are conceived through intercourse never get to know anything about their biological father.

Great idea!

TBH I wouldn't even consider doing so Queenslandnana. If your D wants you to be nearer, she can make the move.