Reality vs expectations

My 72-year-old sister - who has several health issues - has been caring for her granddaughter since the child was 6 months old and who is now an energetic 4. She now has the child's baby brother (18 months) as well. She has both children for 3 full days a week and is exhausted and depressed, although of course she lives them both unconditionally. I hold my tongue, but it worries me so much to see her run ragged at her age.

We have looked after our DGD two days a week from the age of nine months until she started school. We now pick her up on this same two days and bring her to our house for dinner and DD picks her up. We also have her mostly on the same set days during the holidays., this allows us to be able to plan other things. We have found this a wonderful experience as she is very close to us and loves having the occasional sleepover. However, DD has always been very strict on keeping to these set days, unless a real emergency which has been extremely rare and DD has never taken advantage. We really want to continue this for as long as we can as we have such a strong bond but, as soon as we start to feel it is too much for us, we will have the conversation with DD who I know will fully understand. I do hope that will be a while off yet though.
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I've just done my last school run to the primary school that my grandsons have been attending. I've been doing it on and off for 14 years I realise. The youngest one will now be within walking distance of his next school and his mother will be able to take him. The oldest grandson is at college and his brother will be in his second year at grammar school so I'm only called on for occasional lifts home from the station. I quite miss the afternoons watching TV and waiting for Mummy to come home.

Why do some people's children just assume that grandparents will take on a burdensome load of childcare?

You're right sodapop, child care isn't for everyone and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to commit to regular care for one's GC.

I think you have to be up front and honest about the care you are able or willing to provide. As others have said don't over commit in the beginning, it's easier to add time than reduce it.
At the risk of stating a fact which will be unpopular, child care is not for everyone and however much we love our families its not a commitment everyone wants to take on. Nothing wrong with this and there are other ways of helping.

It is hard for parents I recognise that, but the bottom line is they are responsible for their own children! and don't get me started on parental rules that GPs must obey! Basic common sense rules- yes, other than that it was Grandma's house grandma's rules . My AC understood that and so did our GC. It worked well for everyone.

You must do what's right for you Horti. As well as being able to help out with your GC, spending time with them should be a joy and not something you resent because it prevents you from doing the things you'd planned for yourselves.

We live walking distance. We have a good balance, imo.

We don't do scheduled childminding, we fill in when needed and drive the long distance to their school when asked (quite often).

We're not taken for granted, my husband still works, we travel, and we have our own home, gardens, yards to keep tidy - no schedule for GC&GGC.

I recently spoke about this issue with a colleague.

About two years ago she developed some health issues and as a result of that and just getting a little older and more tired, she reduced her working hours.
A few months later her daughter approached her - just moved house, more costs etc, struggling with childcare.....so on her two 'days off', she's caring for two small, very active children and it's exhausting her.
She won't approach her daughter as apparently she's having personal difficulties and my colleague is genuinely concerned about the situation.

Life can throw us all about at times but I've heard similar stories from a number of colleagues / friends and I do fear that it is an expectation of many!

We never lived close enough, to be called upon, except in dire emergency.

When DS and wife got a letter on Saturday to say DGS's nursery had gone into admnistration on Friday, not a day he attended. I got into my car and drove the 200 miles and looked after DS while they both tried to find another nursery with immediate vacancies.

By the time you get to the reset make sure you have decided what you are going to offer or not. Stick to whatever arrangement you make with the offer if you can to help deal with emergencies
I was youngish when I became a gran and watch friends who have become grans later deal with tiredness and catching childhood illnesses when nearing 80.
I am not sure that the parents are necessarily taking you for granted so much as trying to deal with the requirements of modern working life.

If it’s getting too much, you do need to say so. Younger people often don’t realise how much more tiring young children are when you’re getting on a bit.

I was 67 when our first Gdd arrived - I offered to do one day a week (which meant coming the night before and staying the night) - usually with dh. It was fine.

But when Gds arrived only 15 months later, I knew two of them would be too much - unless they could be guaranteed to nap twice a day at the same times! Which obviously wasn’t going to happen. We offered to help with childcare costs instead, and I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.

However I/we were still willing to cover one-offs/emergencies, inc. once a whole week of daytimes with the elder, while the still small baby was in ICU with bronchiolitis.

She was a very good little girl but I still felt like a wet rag at the end of it, promptly came down with a bad cold, followed immediately by shingles!

I still put that down to my immune system being lowered by exhaustion.

I was the ‘filling in the sandwich’ with grandchildren and an elderly mother both needing care. At the time it was exhausting, but I am grateful to have been able to build a lasting relationship with my g’dtrs. All too soon they didn’t need granny turning up at school to collect them (unless it was raining😆) and Covid eventually got my poor mum. In the days when I was caring for my mum I got to know and understand her better than ever before and my memories of her are sweeter than they would otherwise had been. Now I have absolute freedom to fill my days with all the things I couldn’t do then I sometimes feel adrift and pointless. I should have appreciated those times more than I did.

We did two or sometimes three days a week looking after our granddaughter, sometimes more, because the other grandparents would pull out at the last minute.

The time we made it clear that due to my failing health, we we would only do one day a week, unless it was an emergency. My son was happy with that, because it allows us to have a relationship with out granddaughter.
However, during the school holidays, we often have both children on different days and I find I am exhausted.

It is very difficult to say No and not feel guilty.

I was working f/t MercuryQueen when ours were young, then I took early retirement and we lived abroad two thirds of our time. By the time I was available they were both at school, so the odd day only, but plenty of weekend sleepovers.

I was 52 when my first GC was born. I looked after her a lot but not on a regular basis, . Took her on holidays and enjoyed days out with her. Three years later, we had twin dg’s and another baby born within 3 months. I helped out as much as I could. Others came along over the next few years until last DGD 9 years ago.
I’m now 75 and love seeing them but don’t want the responsibility of child care any more. 23 years of grand parenting is enough!

Edit to say we DO provide a lot!

We tag team as it is exhausting, wouldn’t like to have toddlers and babies all day alone. We don’t have older grandchildren as ours all started late but we don’t provide a lot of help.

I might add that my friend happily "grew" her days when one daughter had a child with serious disabilities and then again when another daughter was left by her partner.

Sometimes life throws things at us I suppose and we want to help those we love.

My exhausted friend just recently turned 80 Mercuryqueen but has been doing it for some years.

Another went part time to do 3 days - but has retired now.
I think quite a few go part-time if they can.

Notspaghetti, your fried must be exhausted!! That would be a very definite NO NO from me. Adult children should respect their parents not take advantage of them! Their children , their responsibility.

Whereabouts are you, MercuryQueen?

I wonder if it’s a Canada/US/UK difference, because almost all the grandparents of my generation that I know are still working full time. We’re not retirement age yet, and frankly, few of us could afford to with the constant COL increases. Babysitting isn’t on our radar.

I suppose it may also depend on how many children are involved and for how long!
We have grandchildren that are currently spread pretty evenly over 16 years and it's entirely possible (though not likely) that more could still come along...

If you are doing childcare that's 20 plus years of it!