Reality vs expectations

This is a very familiar story. Our generation seem to be called upon for unlimited child care. I had my GC ( 6 of them with a wide age range) one day each week , would do more in an emergency. The children were brought to our house and that arrangement worked well. I don't regret a moment of it - but one day a week was enough for me . I suggest you decide how much ( if any ) child care you can comfortably give and let the parents know your limitations. So many GPs are having their GC 3 or 4 days each week and many of those GPs are burnt out! Fine if it works. but that was not for me. I love children and as a nursery nurse and later an NNEB tutor I have always been involved with very young children . However much as I love my GC they are not mine - have done my bit bringing up my own children! The children are the responsibility of their parents and in my opinion adult children should not abuse the generosity of GPs !!!
Your story has been aired many times on GN so you are certainly not alone and I have voiced my opinion here on numerous occasions! Please be honest with yourself and then be honest with your child/ ren . It is hard to say " no " I recognise that and we all want to do what we can to help our children but if you offer more than you can manage the job becomes a chore you would
rather not have ! Make a decision, speak to your children and stick to your guns.
You can do this - good luck.

We do not do any regular childcare - but it's easier to say no right at the start I think than to cut back once started.

I'm another who thinks you need to be honest - and now is a good time ahead of the new academic year.

I agree with both of the previous comments. Its also all too easy to over commit at the beginning, especially if one is a new grandparent. The reality can then become a bit of a chore at times as small children are exhausting and if you are unwell yourself - often caused by the germs children catch from nursery, which seems constant, then that takes its toll too.
Setting boundaries from the beginning is the way to go and realising your limitations.

I think a little bit differently - i am happy to have them whenever needed - this period doesn't last long.

We are lucky that we are not overused.

I’m with kitty - it’s a joy and a privilege for me, although also exhausting and I haven’t had so many coughs & colds since my own children were tiny. But I have consistently said I will do it if I can and if can’t, I will say so! I’ve done 2/3 days a week for about 3 years.

I am always happy to look after the GC, currently been at one AC’s for a week teen sitting

DH stayed at home to do school pick up
for other GC.

Like kitty posted, they only need us for a short time, hopefully we have made good memories together 🩷💙

Kitty does add we are lucky that we are not overused. I think problems arise when child care by grandparents is taken for granted. I have several friends who are expected to offer "wraparound" childcare for grandchildren, and who are exhausted all the time.

I think it is important to build a relationship with grandchildren and I'm lucky to be the "fun granny" not the "full time granny".

Another factor is - with this generation of parents having their children later, grandparents are older too. My mother was a granny at 50. My first grandchild was born when I was 66...

Of course I drop everything when there's a crisis or an emergency to help look after grandchildren. Including yesterday my neighbour's four grandchildren!

Thanks for all your responses
It’s a common dilemma !

We will have an opportunity soon to reset out caring commitments and will be more realistic and honest this time than we were at the beginning

Also we are several years older than when we started

We love the fact we have great relationships with the GC and enjoy their company

We do however get a bit fed up with the constant bugs we pick up which take much longer for us to get over than the GC

I am involved in childcare for my grandchildren and am happy with how much I offer/ how much is expected of me.
However, I agree with Retread, the age at which we become grandparents is relevant.
I am in my seventies and my youngest grandchild is two ( probably not my last one).
When my mother was my age, her grandchildren ranged from teenagers to adults in their twenties.
No wonder we feel weary, sometimes.

I suppose that's the point though, Kittyleicester - you aren't overused.

If you were overused you would be constantly exhausted like one of my friends who does two days with one set of grandchildren and three with the other.
We have one or two of our grandchildren at a time, quite often - but not because it's expected of us but because it helps out the parents and suits us. Each time is a separate "ask" so we don't do every Monday or 3 days a week or whatever.

We are lucky that there's not lots of travel involved too.

I suppose it may also depend on how many children are involved and for how long!
We have grandchildren that are currently spread pretty evenly over 16 years and it's entirely possible (though not likely) that more could still come along...

If you are doing childcare that's 20 plus years of it!

I wonder if it’s a Canada/US/UK difference, because almost all the grandparents of my generation that I know are still working full time. We’re not retirement age yet, and frankly, few of us could afford to with the constant COL increases. Babysitting isn’t on our radar.

Whereabouts are you, MercuryQueen?

Notspaghetti, your fried must be exhausted!! That would be a very definite NO NO from me. Adult children should respect their parents not take advantage of them! Their children , their responsibility.

My exhausted friend just recently turned 80 Mercuryqueen but has been doing it for some years.

Another went part time to do 3 days - but has retired now.
I think quite a few go part-time if they can.

I might add that my friend happily "grew" her days when one daughter had a child with serious disabilities and then again when another daughter was left by her partner.

Sometimes life throws things at us I suppose and we want to help those we love.

We tag team as it is exhausting, wouldn’t like to have toddlers and babies all day alone. We don’t have older grandchildren as ours all started late but we don’t provide a lot of help.

Edit to say we DO provide a lot!

I was 52 when my first GC was born. I looked after her a lot but not on a regular basis, . Took her on holidays and enjoyed days out with her. Three years later, we had twin dg’s and another baby born within 3 months. I helped out as much as I could. Others came along over the next few years until last DGD 9 years ago.
I’m now 75 and love seeing them but don’t want the responsibility of child care any more. 23 years of grand parenting is enough!

I was working f/t MercuryQueen when ours were young, then I took early retirement and we lived abroad two thirds of our time. By the time I was available they were both at school, so the odd day only, but plenty of weekend sleepovers.

We did two or sometimes three days a week looking after our granddaughter, sometimes more, because the other grandparents would pull out at the last minute.

The time we made it clear that due to my failing health, we we would only do one day a week, unless it was an emergency. My son was happy with that, because it allows us to have a relationship with out granddaughter.
However, during the school holidays, we often have both children on different days and I find I am exhausted.

It is very difficult to say No and not feel guilty.

I was the ‘filling in the sandwich’ with grandchildren and an elderly mother both needing care. At the time it was exhausting, but I am grateful to have been able to build a lasting relationship with my g’dtrs. All too soon they didn’t need granny turning up at school to collect them (unless it was raining😆) and Covid eventually got my poor mum. In the days when I was caring for my mum I got to know and understand her better than ever before and my memories of her are sweeter than they would otherwise had been. Now I have absolute freedom to fill my days with all the things I couldn’t do then I sometimes feel adrift and pointless. I should have appreciated those times more than I did.

If it’s getting too much, you do need to say so. Younger people often don’t realise how much more tiring young children are when you’re getting on a bit.

I was 67 when our first Gdd arrived - I offered to do one day a week (which meant coming the night before and staying the night) - usually with dh. It was fine.

But when Gds arrived only 15 months later, I knew two of them would be too much - unless they could be guaranteed to nap twice a day at the same times! Which obviously wasn’t going to happen. We offered to help with childcare costs instead, and I know we were fortunate to be able to do so.

However I/we were still willing to cover one-offs/emergencies, inc. once a whole week of daytimes with the elder, while the still small baby was in ICU with bronchiolitis.

She was a very good little girl but I still felt like a wet rag at the end of it, promptly came down with a bad cold, followed immediately by shingles!

I still put that down to my immune system being lowered by exhaustion.

By the time you get to the reset make sure you have decided what you are going to offer or not. Stick to whatever arrangement you make with the offer if you can to help deal with emergencies
I was youngish when I became a gran and watch friends who have become grans later deal with tiredness and catching childhood illnesses when nearing 80.
I am not sure that the parents are necessarily taking you for granted so much as trying to deal with the requirements of modern working life.