Hard to see grandchildren - feeling so low

My youngest DGC is 8 now. The older ones are either busy with exams at school or busy leading their lives at university.

I saw more of them when they were little.
Today is my DGS birthday. I sent him some money - he lives in NZ -- I was sent a photo of him and one of a card he had made thanking me for the money!

I haven't seen any of them in person recently but I don't feel estranged.
They would come if I needed them.

Mimmylove

Was so excited that the one child that lives near me was the first to have a baby.
Guess I was too excited - I rarely see him and am not allowed to hold him. They are about a 12 minute drive away. Baby is now 8 months old. I’ve tried taking things over - bread, etc. - but I am not invited in. I am 70, and pretty active. Now I’m told that I ‘broke rules’ - forgot and kissed him once. Did not ask how the mother was, was too loud, did not hand him right over when he started to fuss once - I thought he was fine and could give his mum a little break. My DIL has been like family for years and years and I adore her, but it’s changed. My partner died a few years ago, and this is heartache on heartache. At least here, I know I’m not the only one. Thank you 🙏

I sincerely sympathise with your situation. It sounds to me like your DIL is overly-anxious about your GC. Does your son not realise this and, if yes, does it not concern him? Not being invited in is a disgraceful way for your DS and DIL to behave towards you. Was DS there at the time though? It sounds to me like your DIL is hyper-vigilant about germs but it is not realistic for children to live in a sterile environment and is not good for their immune systems in the long run. I do wonder if this is one reason why there are so many children with allergies nowadays. Before DC came along, did you notice any obsessive tendencies by your DIL? I think you and DS need to have a talk about this situation. Best wishes.

Was so excited that the one child that lives near me was the first to have a baby.
Guess I was too excited - I rarely see him and am not allowed to hold him. They are about a 12 minute drive away. Baby is now 8 months old. I’ve tried taking things over - bread, etc. - but I am not invited in. I am 70, and pretty active. Now I’m told that I ‘broke rules’ - forgot and kissed him once. Did not ask how the mother was, was too loud, did not hand him right over when he started to fuss once - I thought he was fine and could give his mum a little break. My DIL has been like family for years and years and I adore her, but it’s changed. My partner died a few years ago, and this is heartache on heartache. At least here, I know I’m not the only one. Thank you 🙏

It’s definitely a good idea to initiate something involving food. Most people will respond to that. I think it’s busyness rather than thoughtless when it comes to lack of family visits.
And, sorry if this annoys anyone, but when someone comes on here letting us know about their hurt, the last thing they want is other posters gloating about how wonderful their family relationships are.

Good point lulu. I suppose it's best to live your own life and be your own person.

This thread should be a small warning to grandparents who think moving to be near their children and grandchildren means they will see lots of them. Because nearly everyone works nowadays and children have so many interests this doesn’t always happen

I like what you say Crossstitchfan. I am struggling though.
Clinging onto the past and unable to accomodate change.

We looked after our GD two days a week from age nine months until she started school. We now pick her up after school, about six miles away, on the same two days and usually have her those days during holidays. This has meant that we’ve formed a close bond with her and also get to see our DD who usually stops for a cup of tea and a chat. To be honest, I think if we didn’t do that we wouldn’t see so much of them except high days and holidays or if we specifically invited them. I know it wouldn’t be because they don’t care but they are always so busy with various activities. I do know, however that they would be there for us if ever needed.

It's really tough when circumstances make it hard to see grandchildren as often as you'd like. Staying connected through calls, letters, or video chats can help maintain the bond until visits are easier. I hope you can find ways to keep in touch and that things improve soon.

My son and family have just moved several hours away from me and my DILs parents are moving up to join them shortly. From having a close relationship with my young grandson who I looked after each week, suddenly all that is gone and I certainly won’t be needed going forwards. Finding this hard to deal with. Really don’t know when I will see them again and have just been dropped as it were. I appreciate they are busy and have their own lives to lead but that doesn’t make it any easier

Every family is different. But I do think it is a good idea to initiate things. We need to remember they are busier than we are and obviously aren’t constantly thinking about us. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. I often suggest a meal or just a cup of tea or even a walk. Sometimes they don’t take me up on it but often they do. Don’t be too afraid to let your feelings known without appearing too needy.

I should probably add that until my daughter's two boys went to school I looked after them for five days a week , so I can't really claim to be deprived. And the boys are still pleased when they do see me! My daughter and I are off to the cinema tomorrow so sometimes we even get some time together minus boys.

Gillycats

My 3 children live 1.25hrs/2hrs and 3.5 hours away from me respectively. They all live very close to their spouses families. They go on holiday with them too. In the 12 years since I moved house I’ve had 2 visits from 2 of them. The other visits maybe 2-3 times a year. It hurts like hell, especially now my health isn’t so good and I struggle to drive longer distances. They’re brilliant when I do see them and I get occasional phone calls but it has caused me a lot of heartbreak. But nothing I can do about it so I try not to think of them too much. I sometimes wonder if I should get some counselling. Not sure how much it would cost though.

Hi Gillycats
My heart goes out to you. I get the hurt. I am so sorry and I might be worth trying counselling just to see how it can help .. I was very much contemplating this recently. I have had lots of counselling for sadly other grief but it really helped me for that and I would never rule it out for myself again when I get to feel like yourself ..
it’s a safety valve I find and its therapeutic off loading very difficult emotions.
I really hope you are ok
Best wishes

That's a good way of putting it, Skydancer. Initiate if at all possible.

I do agree with those posters who have suggested that we, the grandparents, initiate something. My DD and GS live near me but are both very busy with work. So I often suggest an outing (paid for by me) that we can do together. It works well. On the whole I don’t think most children or grandchildren can imagine being in our position. They are all so busy whereas we are not so much.

Interesting post . I don’t have GC yet but have 2 DC who are very close to my mum who’s 89 and lives alone . I’m her carer and see her 3-4 times a week. My DC always visit their gran when they come home and visit when I’m away . My sister lives 2 and a half hours away and sees mum about twice a year and sometimes brings her DD, my brother lives in Ireland and again sees mum twice a year but rarely brings his DC . I feel sorry for my mum that she so rarely sees 2 of her DC and 3 of her DGC . She says that they’re so busy and she doesn’t like to ring in case they’re busy .
My brothers inlaws live in Ireland and he and his DC see them all the time .
It’s sad that many grans are in the same boat .

Thank you to all of you for your input - it is much appreciated and knowing i am not alone gives me a bit of comfort.
I try to accept they have their own lives and what hurts is that when i mention it to my son he says 'there isn't enough hours in the day or days in the week' but there's time for them to visit his girlfriends mum.
They did come around months ago for a takeaway tea but that was under her rules of time and how long they'd be staying. Since my original post i got in touch with the mental health charity Shout as i was in a very dark place, i dont feel much better now but there's nothing i can do to change the situation - my son knows how i feel now but i dont think he gets the impact its having on me (he's only 22)

Because my own grew up hundreds of miles away from both sets of grandparents, they perhaps do not see the need. My DIL ensures that my DGS is here regularly tho. One out of three not bad

Because my own grew up hundreds of miles away from both sets of grandparents, they perhaps do not see the need. My DIL ensures that my DGS is here regularly tho.

I think this is the first time I've commented on here. I'm in my late 50's but don't have GC yet. However, reading some of these comments, I wish you were my DH parents!

We have never lived more than a 15 minute drive from PIL - my DH is the eldest of three and the only one to live in this country. My DD was the first GC - when we announced they were going to become GP, MIL said she didn't feel ready! Fast Forward three months and her DD announced she was pregnant - MIL couldn't be happier at the news.

I lost my DF when I was 3, my DM when I was 30 and my Step-dad aged 36. My DH parents are not in the least bit interested in us - I constantly nag DH to give them a call but they are far more interested in their other DC - who they can manage to speak to weekly, despite living the other side of the world. Same with DGC - no interest whatsoever. My MIL would like to see the flat my eldest DD has bought overlooking the Thames but, tbh - it means us driving them up, as MIL only drives short distances and I don't particularly want to be sat in a car with them for an hour each way. I'm now at the point that I try to get my DH to visit, purely because I don't want him to regret anything later on, but I do sometimes wonder why I bother.

A couple of years ago DH and I popped in to see them one afternoon. MIL wasn't feeling too good and, when she took her blood pressure, it was dangerously high. She thought she would just lie down but FIL was worried. I contacted their GP, got some advice and then we drove both PIL straight to the surgery and picked up prescriptions etc. I don't know how many times we have offered to help if they need it, but I no longer bother.

I guess the saying "you can choose your friends but not your family" is very true, sad though it is.

Greenfinch

Another one here. Because my son has four children who do so many activities each, we rarely get to see them. Will the children when they are older regret not having had a meaningful relationship with one set of grandparents.?

In my experience kids generally don’t miss what they never had. You will miss them but they don’t tend to miss us

NotSpaghetti

I never just drop by but I do say "I know you are busy so cam I cook dinner for you one day next week?

They are welcome to pop in to eat and buzz off again!

This sort of offer is ofen taken up - even in term time.

I try to make a fuss of them when they do come.

One set of "other" grandparents in particular see them all the time and were surprised to see how very excited the children were when they dropped them off some time ago.

I confess I'm delighted that the other grandparents are so helpful as I can't do it.
I do quietly love the in-laws yhough they ard nothing like us. I love them for all the help they give to my son and his little family.

Children can't really have too much love can they!

Try to be thankful for the other grandparents Maz as this will hrlp you feel less bad. And cherish the time you do have.

What a really good idea. Teenage children are usually always hungry especially teenage boys

Bonding over food is really nice. Plus throwing in the odd cheapish takeaway is a real winner

Glad you enjoy your time with your grandchildren so much Very heartfelt

You sound like a real wise happy Gran.

👏🌭🥪🍟🍕🌮👍

Its so sad that some readers don't see their children/grandchildren.
One son 2hrs drive away who we see every couple of months, stays over night, not always with wife or grandchildren depends what they have organised at home. They are teenagers and have busy lives but I whatsapp them and they often send messages and pictures. Other son and wife 1/2hr away they work fulltime so we often pop round for coffee at the weekend same with my grandson who has now left home. Grandaughter at Uni so we will meet up and go out for a meal when shes home. Think as we're retired and they're Working, Uni, College,they all have such busy lives its up to us to make the effort to contact them which we do often, on the portal or whatsapp, otherwise I don't think we would see/speak to them very much.
(don't phone them unless its important as I never know where they are)

Susieq62

Well ours are in Australia now so we have no idea when we shall see them again apart from fleeting phone videos! We are just resigned to that now ! 🤷‍♀️

Susieq62 ... That must be so hard living so far away

We are an hour from our elder DD and family, but despite being super-busy she does take time to ring weekly and often sends photos/videos of the GC. The elder DD is 5 hours away but she also rings weekly. No children as yet as they've just finished the start of their fourth round of IVF and are deciding how/when to proceed. I dare say we won't see much of them or the new GC now at our ages and the distance involved.