Hard to be a Grandparent

Personally, I would go ‘no contact’ for a week and let the DD sort out alternative arrangements. MIL might not be available and DD would therefore be in quite a quandary on who to dump her dc on!

I have always told my daughter that if I look after the children, I need to be able to tell them off if necessary, I don’t make a habit of it but I will do it.

My older daughter is not local, so regular childcare wasn’t an option, but I think we would probably have clashed pretty quickly, when I used to have them in the holidays, there was always some drama, like you, one involved inappropriate television, it was on CBeebies!

I usually stood my ground, because I felt she was petty and unreasonable at times, but still led to a bad atmosphere.

I also think that you need to be trusted to make your own rules regarding screen time, meals, and activities, obviously not doing anything you know won’t be approved of, but it has to work for you as well.

Sorry that you are going through all of this . I would be careful about passing any information onto the MIL. Do not repeat unless you want a shit storm. Say that you are upset therefore you’re going to have to step back and take some time out. Do not be bullied into this situation. You’ve spent time and effort to do this in the past. Enjoy YOUR life.

Am glad to hear that Isummer, best to avoid conversation with the MiL if you can help it.
However, when strong willed and forthright crosses the line and just becomes plain rude you need to say something to your daughter about this, am not suggesting an argument but perhaps she needs to know when her strong will and forthright attitude has upset you.

theworriedwell

You were really in the wrong to quote her MIL. If I was her I'd never trust you again. You really should apologise to her.

I do wish I hadn’t mentioned the conversation we had but it wasn’t in confidence. I won’t apologise to MIL.
My daughter’s MIL was trying to tell me what a bad relationship I had with my daughter, that I always looked fearful or upset. She tells me of the wonderful relationship she has with her daughter but my daughter is very friendly with her and hears another side.
In fact on the whole we do have a good relationship, we speak almost every day, eat together often, have spa days together I have had 2 holidays with them this year. But daughter has always been strong willed and forthright. I am not frightened of her.

She told me if I couldn’t look after them both properly she would make alternative child care arrangements.

And my answer to that would have been well feel free to do so by all means

She'll soon get the message when the childcare isn't available.

It’s as if our children think they do us a favour by ‘allowing’ us to look after their children, our grandchildren.
In reality we are doing the favour and saving our children a small fortune.

butterandjam

In your shoes I would take my smelling salts, lie down in a darkened room with a large gin, and be unavailable for child sitting for at least 48 hours.

Excellent idea!
Honestly, some parents who are getting free childcare really do take the p*ss!

PamelaJ1 As a Grandmother I have noticed the same thing. I am far more hands on than my Mother or MIL ever were and it tends to be on the DCs' terms rather than mine.

Magenta 🤦🏼‍♀️
There seems to have been a teutonic shift in expectations relatively recently.
My DM had us in 2 batches! Myself and older sister had our children relatively early. Our 2siblings came along later and had their children later. The youngest cohort are having their children now and seem to think that my siblings are at their beck and call. So entitled.

You were really in the wrong to quote her MIL. If I was her I'd never trust you again. You really should apologise to her.

grandMattie

Your house, your rules?

I agree, up to a point.

Years ago I left my DD, then aged 3, with MIL for the night, MIL's idea not mine. I packed a little back pack with clean clothes, nightie, hairbrush, toothbrush etc. which I showed to MIL so that she knew where they were.

When I came to pick up DD she was still in the same clothes and it turned out she had slept in them. She hadn't washed or cleaned her teeth and her long hair was matted and
unbrushed.

I was very surprised as MIL was very house proud and always clean and tidy herself. When I asked MIL why she hadn't helped DD to wash or change her clothes MIL replied "I didn't realise I was supposed to".

So yes, your house your rules but there are limits.

You took your granddaughter to help out her father who apparently could not cope with his two children for one night, and they need reminding of that.

Yes indeed, this is the critical point here.
I'd wager daddy isn't so particular about Netflix and popcorn if he ever is left home alone looking after both his own children 🤣

Definitely a large gin is required 1summer

valdavi what a dreadful experience for your family 😳

Well, I know what my reaction would be if my DD spoketo me like that when I wasspending so much time and money looking after my grandchildren.

Sounds to me as if she looks for reasons to bully you.
I’ve had a lot of run ins with my daughter but never over the children.

Great responses Shelflife and eazybee.

There's no excuse for your D's behaviour 1summer, it may be a good idea to point out to her that it would be a damn site harder to be a working parent if she wasn't benefiting from the help you're giving.

Thank you labradora. When I have my GC it is definitely my house my rules! My
daughters respect that . Works well and the children know where they stand.
Grandmas in charge! Everyone is happy 😊

Your house, your rules?

Well said easybee! Adult children with such a huge sense of entitlement, - it beggers belief!!!!

I am just astonished at the attitude of adult children towards their parents when they take on all the responsibility for childcare to help them out, unpaid and unreimbursed for all the expense incurred: popcorn for a start.
You took your granddaughter to help out her father who apparently could not cope with his two children for one night, and they need reminding of that.

I think the suggestion of a darkened room and a large gin and unavailability for 48 hours a good one, particularly the unavailability.

Shelflife

I sincerely hope this situation improves.
However I think your DD was absolutely out of order over the TV programme. Time to tell her you are doing her a massive favour by taking care of HER children!!! I would be furious. You have brought up your children- it is her turn now. I am tired of ' hearing ' about these selfish parents on GN ! If she doesn't like it she must pay for childcare!! You are doing a huge amount of childcare to enable her to work - does she not recognise that?
She should be full of gratitude . Tell her how you feel , if she is not happy with your childcare provision she must google ' local nurseries/ child minders. When she sees the financial situation of that she will soon change her tune !

👏👏👏👏👏

crazyH

Oh no 🤔 I thought worms were a thing of the past. That has really scared me.😳
Hope the issue with your daughter has been sorted.
Sorry that I mentioned the worms - but somehow, that’s what stuck out to me because 70 years ago, I’m sure I had worms 😂

I am afraid thread worms still seem to be a problem. The school say every year they have a problem with it. Luckily it is very easily treated.
But telling a 5 year old she had worms was very scary.

Thank you all for sensible advice and I know I need to keep it all in proportion. I think everyone including me are feeling a bit stressed so best option is to lie low.
I deeply regret repeating what MIL said unfortunately heat of the moment.
I think Daughter know she is lucky to have us, especially me as MIL doesn’t drive so I do a lot of taking children to school, nursery, ballet, gym, etc etc.
Thank you again.

I sincerely hope this situation improves.
However I think your DD was absolutely out of order over the TV programme. Time to tell her you are doing her a massive favour by taking care of HER children!!! I would be furious. You have brought up your children- it is her turn now. I am tired of ' hearing ' about these selfish parents on GN ! If she doesn't like it she must pay for childcare!! You are doing a huge amount of childcare to enable her to work - does she not recognise that?
She should be full of gratitude . Tell her how you feel , if she is not happy with your childcare provision she must google ' local nurseries/ child minders. When she sees the financial situation of that she will soon change her tune !

When my parents-in-law were looking after my son for the day (I was just out of hospital with second) they left him & his cousin outside a shop in a busy shopping centre (he was 6 & she 5).
He saw a fountain & wandered off to have a look & got lost. They found him 2 hours later with security guards, one of them had given him a sandwich, he seemed quite happy. The thing that annoyed me was that all the way home (1 hour trip down the motorway) they shouted at him for wandering off and told him what a naughty boy he was & how his cousin was so nuch better because she stayed where she was.
By the time he got home he was really upset, & this is a child who had just stopped being an "only" 2 weeks before.

I was livid with them but I didn't say a thing.

I did complain to DH & we both weren't impressed with them leaving such young children unattended in an unfamiliar shopping centre.But it was them being so angry with & upsetting an already scared child when the whole thing was their own fault, that made me see red.
I never said anything to them.How things change.