Grandchildren very badly behaved

I would cook what you know they will eat. Less fuss all round. They will eat it and you won't be wasting food and money. Pick your battles!

I did not put the capital t in trump!

I am sorry you have this difficult relationship with your daughter. She sounds very selfish.
Her lack of compassion is very sad indeed.
Hard though it is, I think you should consider standing up to her. She needs you for child care so she does not hold all the Trump cards. You are afraid she will stop you seeing the children, but who else is going to look after them for free?

Only do what you can happily manage.

Ask your daughter to pack snacks and/or suggestions for meals of what the kids will eat, since meals seem to be a stressor

I think, sadly it's going to be about compromise. And to some extend survival!

I suggest providing simple, healthy food. They can take it or leave it.

ipads, a necessary evil. Dig deep and praise when any of them does something kind/helpful.

I think I would let them have their iPads if that is what they are used to, just for peace and quiet!

theworriedwell

I think children are boisterous after school, can you do something like an hour in the park after school so they can run some energy off?

Definitely!
I stuck to one day, and during holidays took him to our local park to run around and let off steam. DGS is a lovely lad, but quite full on energetic. I used to have a nap after he went home and an early night too.

Yes, I would sort out swimming lessons, the library and anything else that is outside of your home, taking them back to their own.

Rudeness and defiance is not to be tolerated, but I found that "how would you feel if I said that to you?" often works, as well as "that was a hurtful thing to do/say" or "that is so unkind" because children these days are quite self-centred and teaching them the effects on you is necessary.

How many hours do you have them for? Can you sit them in front of the to? Can the older ones play in the garden! Are they tired ? I think having them in their own home would be preferable,if it’s near.

It's not unusual for kids that age to be picky eaters.

Children usually behave better if they are outside , running around a park. Indoors is probably more difficult especially after school , at least that’s my experience .

Maybe giving up a bit of ground might help reduce the stress- for example food... give them what they will eat and your principles can tolerate. They are still v young....it's likrly not do much defiance as complete lack of boundaries. Ipads are an absolute no-no for pre-school children. The emerging research is indicating that any screen time at sll harms growing brains. So stand your ground on that one. Good luck xxxc

Notjustaprettyface

Thank you everybody for your kind words
I know I should be doing what you say and I hope I will have the courage to do it but my relationship with my daughter isn’t great , we are not close , she doesn’t have any compassion for my situation and basically , I am scared that she will dislike me even more and/or cut me off from the children

You are SCARED or your daughter, in that case she is a bully. How awful is that. You must and I mean must stop this before it goes too far, she needs you as much as you need her and your GC, put your foot down and stop being a doormat for a selfish child, who is bullying you around. If she really stops loving you, which I doubt, she did not love you much in the first place. Perhaps you love her too much and have always given in to her!!

Thanks again for all the good advice
I don’t want to give up seeing my gc because I love them and I don’t blame them for their bad behaviour, I blame the parents
I think I will take them to the park if weather allows. It didn’t yesterday !
I am strict with them but it’s an uphill battle
They are also bad eaters and waste q lot of food which makes my blood boil as food is so expensive now
I don’t agree with the way my daughter and her husband bring them up but they are their children
I don’t allow iPads here at my house for instance
They are constantly on their iPads at their home and I hate that
I am also going to say I can only take 2 at a time
And we will see
Thanks again for your support

My house my rules, all nine of my grandchildren have known this since babies, they have their moments but that’s all.
I’m afraid you have to put your own health first difficult though that is I know and have a tough talk with your daughter this cannot go on. Be brave and good luck.

Tell your daughter that you absolutely must do less because you just cannot cope right now.

Don't mention the children's behaviour at all, simply use your tiredness and your husband being in a care home as the reason.

And don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into backing down.

Have them one at a time only.
Explain clearly what your house rules are and tell them that if they don't follow them, they won't be visiting again.
You sound as though you have enough on your plate without this.
Your daughter needs to understand that we older folk get tired. She must know that there is a problem. She needs to face reality.

Do you feed them? In your situation I would at least make sure they have no sugar, sweets, chocolate, white carbs, jam, cakes etc. Not even fruit to start with! Sugar will make them worse. If they object, too bad. Don't buy it and don't give in. Wholemeal cheese sandwiches or toast are OK. Hide remotes for the TV and lock other screens away. When they realise you mean what you say they might modify their behaviour and you can discuss rewards for good behaviour. I'd also consider (sounds drastic) putting locks on the doors of rooms you don't want them to enter! See how they like that!
They might start refusing to come though 😂😂😂

As far as I remember, you've been looking after your grandchildren for years, Notjustaprettyface and now a third one to add to the number! I know it's lovely to see the grandchildren but, quite honestly, you must be exhausted with everything else you've had to contend with.

Presumably your DD has a partner and they both need to step up to the mark and work out a solution, with you, which suits you all. Don't be afraid to mention how you feel.
You are being taken for granted when you need support yourself.

We look after our 3 year old grandson one day and night every week. He is well behaved but it requires full on attention during the day and fingers crossed that he doesn’t wake up at 5am. I can’t imagine how hard it must be looking after 3 badly behaved kids. Good luck.

As per mabon2 but I'd agree to try having them one at a time.

Apologies I missed that you had posted you had fed them.

Your DD is setting up future problems with her gentle parenting. Children will push the boundaries again and again and again! If they are not stopped. They need to know who is in charge. They will be happier for it too. I agree with Hazel, a trip to the park to work off their energy is not the answer. Firm words and firm looks are. Its no good trying to reason with them and appealing their kind / sensitive nature- they will take advantage of that. You are doing far too much child care. Decide how muvh you are prepared to give and tell your DD that when they are in hour care the children follow your rules. If your DD doesn't like that see must pay for child care. Stick to your guns and do not be bullied by her or her unruly children!!

Have a healthy snack and a drink ready for them as soon as they come in.

Our GC always seem to be starving after school, and this could explain their behaviour if they are to use the new phrase hangry

In my view, bad behaviour is bad behaviour. If they come to you, they need to treat you and your home with respect. It’s important that you don’t feel any sense of failure, stand your ground and regardless of how things are with your daughter, I think you should tell her what you think. Give them a chance to change but if they don’t, don’t look after them. The result may surprise you …..but if not, tell yourself you can do without that kind of stress. I hate it that adult children have their parents over a barrel seemingly, with this childcare stuff. Good luck.

So sorry to read all of this. And it's difficult to think what to do, if there is the hint that you might lose contact with the children.
What do you think would ease the burden, because a burden is what it has become?
Perhaps explain that you need more time to yourself, for example to visit your husband.
Perhaps that she should begin to look for other child care providers as you no longer feel able to cope with all three.
Coming on here and asking should help you to formulate a plan, just by following the discussion.
Good luck