Grandchildren very badly behaved

Oh dear. It seems to me you're just doing too much. Maybe tell your DD that you love them to bits but cannot carry on with this level of child care of three very lively children. See if she will agree to as reduced workload for you. Best of luch xx

...luck

Just say no to your daughter, if she needs your help that much, after an initial huff she may be more open to doing something about their behaviour with your input.

Don't do it.
Don't be a martyr.
Life is too short.

The 6 and 5 year are at school so should know better the 2 year old is still a toddler.
I am 68 and have young grandchildren and I find them a handful even when they are behaving well.
You need to tell your daughter that all three of them is just too much for you now, and try to cut back on the amount of child care you do. If your daughter doesn’t discipline her children that is her choice but you don’t want to have to deal with the consequences of this, which is your choice.
All the best c

You really are absolutely justified in saying you can't have all three at the same time. Your DD is confident enough to refuse any criticism of her kids. Likewise you can be equally honest. It works both ways! Please do advocate for yourself...you're not just a pretty face!
I feel for you....sounds like you have had a rotten day ...take care xx

Three young children on your own as you age, is a lot, especially if their behaviour is wanting. You have enough going on with your dh in a care home, and a lively dog.
Nip this in, decide what you can do and stick to it,
We are not responsible for childcare of our children’s children, the parents are .
Your day sounded like really hard work. Decide what you are comfortable with and stick to it.
If you start off low you can always increase if you wish. If you start out doing too much it’s harder to reduce.
Have a good rest tomorrow.

" defiant" sounds particularly wearing. Myabe try to be clear in your own mind what is acceptable , what you can ignore and what is crossing a line.

What is the attitude of other family members in this dilemma?

Myself and all my own kids take a, my house, my rules approach to each other.
Works for us all.

I wouldnt look after the gc in your situation.
[Especially with your DH in a care home].
Unless things greatly changed.

say no to your daughter ,you are being taken for granted. you need to be taking it easier at your age, especially as your OH is in a nursing home and you're on your own with them.
maybe it wouldn't be as hard on you if the GC were well behaved, but they're not...take care of yourself ,,

Thank you everybody for your kind words
I know I should be doing what you say and I hope I will have the courage to do it but my relationship with my daughter isn’t great , we are not close , she doesn’t have any compassion for my situation and basically , I am scared that she will dislike me even more and/or cut me off from the children

Tell your daughter. If she doesn’t like it then stop looking after them. You have enough on your plate. X

Could you possibly have them at your daughter’s house, then you wouldn’t have the worry of them disrespecting your property.
Plus they would have all their toys there and you could leave your dog at home so it can rest without the mayhem.

Defiant means to me that you tell them to put their cup in the sink, and they say 'No'. Is that what they're doing? If that's what they do in Y1 and Y2, they are going to fall foul of school soon.

Video them being defiant towards you, and send it to her because you're concerned about their future.

I am scared that she will dislike me even more and/or cut me off from the children it's so sad to read this Notjustaprettyface and we see this far too often here on GN.

A GM has her GC because she loves them and wants to help her AC because she loves him/her too. She also has them because she enjoys it, but you don't and it's hardly surprising with 3 badly behaved children.

I hope you'll be able to have the conversation that you understandably want to avoid. She needs to know that you're unable to cope because of their behaviour.

Wishing you luck .

I agree with the poster who suggested looking after them at your daughter’s house. I’m sure would find it a lot easier.

@Smileless we do indeed see it too often.
Grandparents scared that if they rock the boat they will be cut out of their grandchildren’s lives, so they just walk on egg shells and put up with increasing demands on their time by an AC who is difficult/ungrateful.
@Notjustaprettyface put your well-being first even if your daughter doesn’t, and step back from exhausting childcare duties, if you don’t want to critisize your daughter by saying the children are badly behaved say you are too tired and need a rest. She may not like this but maybe you have to resign yourself to the fact that she probably wouldn’t like any reason you give for easing up on the childcare. And try to mend bridges later.
Xx

Skydancer

I agree with the poster who suggested looking after them at your daughter’s house. I’m sure would find it a lot easier.

Yes, I agree too.

It might be easier as they can create mayhem in their own home and your DD will have to be the one to sort it out.

I think looking after three young children all together is too much. Two year olds can be hard work and school age children can be boisterous when they come out of school but defiance is simply not acceptable.
Can the two older ones go to after-school club? Their mother (or father if he's around) could pick them up from there. Do you have them in the holidays too? It's simply too much with everything else you have to contend with.

If your daughter gets annoyed then she is very foolish because she'll be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

I do some childcare but three difficult small children is far too much. Might I suggest "developing" a minor medical problem, necessitating a period of rest being prescribed, then a very gradual, very limited return to any caring duties.

You must be saving them an absolute fortune in childcare costs.

Is there a partner? What role do they play?

Even though they sound a real handful it isn't unreasonable of you to insist on manners and better behaviour in your home. You will have to be consistent as they clearly get away with things at their own house. Perhaps they could help with getting tea ready, laying the table etc. Bad manners= no pudding. Say well done and thank you when they deserve it but don't hold back when they are badly behaved. Your home so your rules.
It sounds like your DD is practicing gentle parenting. I have a DIL doing the same things. No boundaries, no rules and no consequences for bad manners and rudeness. It's a rubbish way of bringing children up in my humble opinion. Make a stand.

Speak to your DD - this is unacceptable! Both my daughters have always understood and respected the
' Grandma's house grandma's rules ' It has always worked. The rules have to be different because we are different and our abilities are not the same- I am much older of course!! So boundaries are set to keep the children safe and keep me sane!!! Sarnia you are absolutely correct! Our GC understand what is expected of them when they are in my care. They love coming to Grandmas house. Of course it is not always plain sailing but I have the confidence to deal with what happens without fearing recriminations from either of my daughters. They trust me with their children. If it were any other way I would suggest they take care of
THEIR OWN children. I have brought up my own three, its their turn now. Make a stand. Our " children ' need to realise we are getting older and respect that. Good luck !

Clearly the relationship with your daughter is not so good and that does put you in a vulnerable situation . Never the less you must take care of yourself.
You don't deserve this .

I think children are boisterous after school, can you do something like an hour in the park after school so they can run some energy off?