Grandchildren very badly behaved

If the stress of potential pushing your DX and GC away is too much, then do what is going to make this situation more tolerable for you. Some good advice here xxx

ReadyMeals

They're probably normal by today's standards but it would probably be nicer for both you and the children if you had them one or two at a time. Better quality.

None of my GC are badly behaved with me. They have their moments, but know when they gave overstepped and settle down when told.
I don't think it is about today's standards but about whether their parents are bringing them up properly.

Tell your daughter you’re nit looking after them again unless their behaviour improves. You are sacrificing your health for fear of reprisals. It’s not worth it.

You must tell your daughter that you simply cannot put up with their bad behaviour. Suggest she sends them to an after school club or child minder. She's taking you for a mug and this is all down to lack of parental control. I know you love them but there is a point when this has to stop and that's now.

I do understand how you feel Notjustaprettyface. I did say to one of my three DD when I looked after my three DGC during Covid that I was having a problem with the eldest (10). Since then I have not been invited to their holiday home. When I ask why I don’t see them very often, I am quoted. However, I don’t have problems with my other two DDs.

They're probably normal by today's standards but it would probably be nicer for both you and the children if you had them one or two at a time. Better quality.

Most small children are tired out after school and, like tired puppies, become increasingly silly and naughty.
Feed them then sit them in front of TV or iPads to wind down.
Don’t risk serious trouble by criticising the children or their parents.

Your house……your rules! You simply must set out boundaries now otherwise their behaviour will never improve. The two older children are old enough to know right from wrong but by continuing to kick off they’re simply teaching the toddler accordingly. How does your daughter cope with them?

Your daughter has free childcare in you and she should respect your home and the way you choose to live. I doubt that she’ll stop the children coming as she would then have to pay someone.

Stand your ground OP.

I never had my GC en masse - I said from the start it was one at a time, so my DDs mixed and matched with child care. Sometimes they were with my, sometimes in nursery. Even though I did not have them all at once, I still saved them a load of dosh in child care fees!

It is hard for young mothers to grasp that their parents are getting older and the change in energy that goes with this. But you need to tell your DD this. I am assuming that she will be concerned about this.

You can tell her this without having to address the behaviour issue - just say you no longer have sufficient energy.

Having said that, what would happen if you said one of the factors is their behaviour? She needs you for child care help - it is not in her interests to throw her toys out of the pram!

What is badly behaved you ask.

Disobedience, defiance, lack of respect for OPs home and property. It’s all been described already and is unacceptable behaviour to NJAPF.

I would find that unacceptable too.

May I ask what is badly behaved?

How would you like them to behave?

Very often (I have observed this) the tiniest child can “pick up” on any signs of a disrespectful attitude toward other family members. This can be through over heard conversations,rows, and witnessing the interaction between their mum/dad and the grandparent. It must come from somewhere musn’t it.

Children will “ape” what they see and hear. And then behave accordingly.
Solution eg:- I communicated my hurt feelings about being continually ignored/disrespected by one GC in my own home -

l mean that at age 6/7 they were completely ignoring me, (not even looking at me) so I told my adult child while we were alone that I wouldn’t care if GC never came to mine at all unless things changed.
The other very noisy but sometimes funny younger sibling was manageable.
After that things rapidly improved. I had genuinely felt that I had nothing to lose apart from a continuing sequence of unpleasant experiences.

Well, sorry, but sod that ! As others have said , your house , your rules.
As much as you may worry as to your daughters reaction to any criticism you must address this surely. No need to be confrontational , simply tell her the reality and how you feel in a calm way.
OK, she may have a strop and tell you you will never see your Grandchildren again. A little time and I bet she will be back on the phone .

I think children are boisterous after school, can you do something like an hour in the park after school so they can run some energy off?

Clearly the relationship with your daughter is not so good and that does put you in a vulnerable situation . Never the less you must take care of yourself.
You don't deserve this .

Speak to your DD - this is unacceptable! Both my daughters have always understood and respected the
' Grandma's house grandma's rules ' It has always worked. The rules have to be different because we are different and our abilities are not the same- I am much older of course!! So boundaries are set to keep the children safe and keep me sane!!! Sarnia you are absolutely correct! Our GC understand what is expected of them when they are in my care. They love coming to Grandmas house. Of course it is not always plain sailing but I have the confidence to deal with what happens without fearing recriminations from either of my daughters. They trust me with their children. If it were any other way I would suggest they take care of
THEIR OWN children. I have brought up my own three, its their turn now. Make a stand. Our " children ' need to realise we are getting older and respect that. Good luck !

Even though they sound a real handful it isn't unreasonable of you to insist on manners and better behaviour in your home. You will have to be consistent as they clearly get away with things at their own house. Perhaps they could help with getting tea ready, laying the table etc. Bad manners= no pudding. Say well done and thank you when they deserve it but don't hold back when they are badly behaved. Your home so your rules.
It sounds like your DD is practicing gentle parenting. I have a DIL doing the same things. No boundaries, no rules and no consequences for bad manners and rudeness. It's a rubbish way of bringing children up in my humble opinion. Make a stand.

You must be saving them an absolute fortune in childcare costs.

Is there a partner? What role do they play?

I do some childcare but three difficult small children is far too much. Might I suggest "developing" a minor medical problem, necessitating a period of rest being prescribed, then a very gradual, very limited return to any caring duties.

Skydancer

I agree with the poster who suggested looking after them at your daughter’s house. I’m sure would find it a lot easier.

Yes, I agree too.

It might be easier as they can create mayhem in their own home and your DD will have to be the one to sort it out.

I think looking after three young children all together is too much. Two year olds can be hard work and school age children can be boisterous when they come out of school but defiance is simply not acceptable.
Can the two older ones go to after-school club? Their mother (or father if he's around) could pick them up from there. Do you have them in the holidays too? It's simply too much with everything else you have to contend with.

If your daughter gets annoyed then she is very foolish because she'll be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

@Smileless we do indeed see it too often.
Grandparents scared that if they rock the boat they will be cut out of their grandchildren’s lives, so they just walk on egg shells and put up with increasing demands on their time by an AC who is difficult/ungrateful.
@Notjustaprettyface put your well-being first even if your daughter doesn’t, and step back from exhausting childcare duties, if you don’t want to critisize your daughter by saying the children are badly behaved say you are too tired and need a rest. She may not like this but maybe you have to resign yourself to the fact that she probably wouldn’t like any reason you give for easing up on the childcare. And try to mend bridges later.
Xx

I agree with the poster who suggested looking after them at your daughter’s house. I’m sure would find it a lot easier.

I am scared that she will dislike me even more and/or cut me off from the children it's so sad to read this Notjustaprettyface and we see this far too often here on GN.

A GM has her GC because she loves them and wants to help her AC because she loves him/her too. She also has them because she enjoys it, but you don't and it's hardly surprising with 3 badly behaved children.

I hope you'll be able to have the conversation that you understandably want to avoid. She needs to know that you're unable to cope because of their behaviour.

Wishing you luck .

Defiant means to me that you tell them to put their cup in the sink, and they say 'No'. Is that what they're doing? If that's what they do in Y1 and Y2, they are going to fall foul of school soon.

Video them being defiant towards you, and send it to her because you're concerned about their future.

Could you possibly have them at your daughter’s house, then you wouldn’t have the worry of them disrespecting your property.
Plus they would have all their toys there and you could leave your dog at home so it can rest without the mayhem.