Heartbreak at news daughter and family want to move to Australia

I was married to an Australian, who died at age 40 many years ago. For a short time there was a possibility that we would move to Australia, though I didn’t really want to. My parents didn’t make me feel at all guilty, and it was only when we decided not to go that my mother told me she had cried every night for weeks. I don’t think I would be so restrained in the same situation!

Try to think that with WhatsApp, Zoom, e-mails it is easier and cheaper to keep in touch than it would have been when we were young.

I know this is cold comfort and I know how hard it is to accept this kind of decision. We would all like to keep our family near us - but it is just not always possible.

Unless you really, really want to uproot yourself at our time of life and move to a country you probably know next to nothing about DON'T!

If you do consider going too, look very carefully into what happens about your pension, what care costs are likely to be, if you should need to go into a care home later on and indeed whether anyone over retirement age will even be allowed to stay in Australia - Canada would not let you in, as far as I know, the cut-off point for immigration is forty, I believe, but I have no idea about Australia.

Denise, my daughter went off to Oz about 15 years ago, and I haven't seen her in over 5 years, although we have a chatty life on the phone. Having seen Melbourne and other places nearby, plus the dreadful state of our country, I’m pleased and happy she’s there, now with a partner, and a really super job.
If I were a few years younger I would go too.
Your grandchildren will have a wonderful life.

I have lived abroad and travelled quite widely, so have seen both sides. When I was doing most of my travelling , no mobile phones or computers. So the first thing I would suggest is to lookout for these groups, where you join to get cheaper flights etc.Dont know if they still exist, but you need to belong for a year to get the cheap flights.So once you feel they have decided to go, it would be a way to feel both connected and go towards saving for the trip.I would also advise having 1 or 2 stopovers as it is such a long way. Then you will have a little holiday on your way to see them . You only think of the shock and how things will change, and see it all as bad news. When I went to live in Portugal, the other possibility would have been living up in the Outer Hebrides. Actually much quicker getting back from Lisbon. I totally sympathise with you but think looking at possibilities for the future can help bit. Another way might be to later look to see a country somewhere halfway ish. Hoping some ideas help you. Of course there is the possibility that it may not suit them as much as they think, and they could return. An English friend I met when we both lived in Portugal moved to Bulgaria and then to Australia. We are still in touch after more than 40 years and when she comes over I go to meet her. I also keep her up to date with friends and news of her old home.I do hope you can begin to see some worthwhile things to look forward to.

I was in your position 14 years ago my DD Sil and 2 gds aged 2 & 7 decided to move to Australia.
I didn’t hide how I felt I was devastated and allowed my emotions to show. My DD joined an expat group online to get advice and tips etc before they emigrated, she was told the first 2 years are the hardest, once you arrive there is lots of homesickness and feeling of being unsettled. I hung onto this and hoped this would make there decision to come home.
It never happened, they rented for the first 2 years then brought there first house. Started a business which became very successful.
I didn’t go to visit until they’d been there for 3 years. Then I went at Christmas for a month it was very emotional.
I proceeded to go every Christmas for 3 years. Eventually I started to look at moving out there i got the forms and all the info that was needed etc. it’s a long drawn out procedure that requires substantial amount of money.
Anyway to cut along story short.
They decided to come home after 10 years. They applied for there citizenship first so they could go back if they wanted to but have now settled back into the UK 5 minutes from me.
My eldest GD has been back twice to see friends as she’s 20 now and she classes both as home as she lived schooled there for 10 years. It’s heartbreaking… the only good thing is FaceTime my DD would call every week while I was sat on my sofa and she was at nippers with the GDs in the morning. Keep us update.

I absolutely understand how you are feeling Denise. My son and his wife went to New Zealand for a year 19 years ago and never came back. They both have good jobs and their pay and working hours are much better than if they had stayed in the UK. Their children, my only grandchildren, were born there. I am still very sad about it and because I care for my disabled daughter I am not able to visit them. However, I know that their life in NZ is so much better than it would be here and I am glad to see the children growing up happy and enjoying the outdoor life. I’m sure they know how much I miss them but I always put on a brave face when I talk to them.

Oh Denise, you must be absolutely gutted. And having to put a brave face on it must make the pain even harder. I do feel for you. My older daughter lives 15 minutes away by car but I hardly ever see her or the grandkids. She seems always to be so busy, as do the kids. I've had fantasies of lovely family Sunday lunches but I've pretty much given up on that. I also feel that if I ended up in hospital and they called her, she probably wouldn't answer the phone – too busy!
My other daughter lives 400 miles away in Scotland and, despite the distance, she is much more accessible and reliable. At one point, there was a chance that she might stay in Australia with an Australian boyfriend. I would have found it so very hard, but it didn't work out and she came back to the UK.
I don't know if something like this might work for you but my niece's daughter, partner and their first baby (my niece's first grandchild) live in New Zealand – even further away than Australia. My niece (now 70) lives in East Sussex. Her plan is to spend six months of the year out in NZ, six months here. She is in the fortunate position of being able to buy a small house out there in addition to her home here. She also has NZ citizenship as her dad was a Kiwi. For now, it seems like a workable plan but I don't know how much she'll be able to cope with that long flight as she gets older.
I know it's nothing like the same as being with family in person, but technology does offer better links than we one had. There's Zoom, FaceTime and WhatsApp so maybe those options will give you some small comfort.

You won’t lose them as long as you love them.
Exactly this LauraNorderr

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I think it's very selfish of them.
😱
REALLY Nicolenet?
Would you have the people you should love and should support with all your heart have their wings clipped by the person who purported to love them?

If they think this will be a better life for them and their young family they should go with our blessings.

Deniae1725. Many years ago, my sister and her Husband wanted to emigrate out there. They did all the necessary and had the final interview. On the way home my Sister turned to her Husband and said........"But when will I see Mum", they did'nt go. Attiudes have changed since then. But I always remember that.

Early in 2020 my son phoned with news. His wife had just found out she was pregnant and the same day he found out he'd been offered a job in Germany. He nearly didn't realise about the job as he hadn't been interviewed and the job offer had gone into his junk folder. His first reaction had been "I'm going to be a dad asnd I haven't even got a permanent job. Obviously Germany was much nearer than Australia but when the pandemic arrived it seemed very far away. I travelled out there with my DiL when she got the passport for my new-born GS as me son had gone ahead to set up home and start work. I was expecting to be there for 2 weeks but then Germany locked down too and I only had 6 days with them before catching the last flight out!
Zoom became our friend and that year I spent my first Christmas alone as DD already lived in Scotland and we couldn't travel.
Living near Heathrow I did get a few brief visits when they came to the UK as they always had to isolate here until their covid tests came back, but it is hard seeing your first grandchild changing fast and only seeing videos etc. They came back to the UK a couple of years later but live 200 miles away so I can't see them all the time. Meanwhile my single DD moved home to work in London, then spent 21 months in Dubai before moving back to the UK in May this year. She too is now 200 miles away.
It is never easy seeing our children move away, whatever the distance, but hopefully we bring them up to be independent and should be proud of them when they fly, even if it is to the other side of the world. You will have oportunities to visit and may ultimately decide to join them. Meanwhile treasure the time you have with them and be grateful they have asked you to go too.

I am dealing with the same situation. My daughter and her family moved from the US to Oxford last month. We were also very involved in their lives. They are 3 and 10. We do FaceTime, but it has been really hard. If you get some good advice on handling the move, please share it. Best wishes to you

Denise7125 I’m sorry for your sad news. However there is hope, they will have a lot of hoops to jump through first before they are given visas. I also broke my parents hearts by moving to NZ but I lasted 3 years before I came home. I was desperately lonely, even though I worked with lots of Brits. I realised I had everything I wanted back here and raced home. They may go and love the place but there’s the possibility they wont and may return home. I really hope you and the family make all the right choices for what is best. Good luck x

Denise7125

I know it’s not unusual now for families to move to the other side of the world but my daughter has just this weekend dropped this bombshell on us and we are devastated. Our granddaughters are 5 and almost 3 and we are very involved in their lives. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and I can’t stop crying. They want us to go with them but we wouldn’t be able to do that straightaway even if we wanted to. It feels now like every moment with them will be a countdown to them leaving and I’m struggling to cope at this point. I know that I should be pleased that they are thinking about giving their daughters a better life but selfishly I don’t want them to go. Im trying to be supportive and not put any emotional pressure on them so I’ve not shared how I truly feel but she knows me too well and when I see her in a couple of days I fear she will see through the supportive words and I dont want to upset her. Any advice would be gratefully received.

Denise, I have tears in my eyes just reading this, I know I'd be heartbroken too if it was one of my family ,they'll be thinking of a better life for their family, and who can blame them, when we see what's happening to this country.if they do decide to go you'll be able to holiday in Australia, and might want to move permanently. hope it turns out well for you

Nicolenet

I think it's very selfish of them. And to test the waters is even worse! Whatever she decides stay where you are and let them travel.

It's not selfish.

It's selfish to make them feel guilty about wanting to try for a better, or at least different, life for them and their children.

And refusing to visit them, if you are able, means you miss out on wonderful holidays and seeing a different part of the world.

Don’t despair Denise, you may not see so much of the grandchildren but please believe it’s about quality not quantity.
One of our sons, his wife and two children aged 5 and 3 left to live in Perth many years ago.
They have visited us every three years for a month.
In August of this year our now 18 year old granddaughter came alone for a whole month. Much of it spent with us. We did spa days, lunches in lovely UK towns and cities nearby, afternoon tea in nice hotels and best of all curled up together on the sofa with chocolate while we caught up with each other news.
I felt as close to her as any of my grandchildren that I see regularly and have the feeling she loves me as much as I love her.
You won’t lose them as long as you love them.

We actually left our 20 year old son in Oz and returned to Europe. He managed very well, completing his university degree. We hated Australia. Couldn't wait to get away. Stuck it for 5.5 years and then transferred back to another European country. It isn't the paradise it's made out to be [for some]. The cost of housing has rocketed during the last few years with many people bemoaning the fact they cannot afford anywhere to live.

Wait 2 years if they stay in Australia get yourselves over there as fast as you can you will love it. I emigrated 30 years ago with 2 small children and told my mum and dad to give us 2 years to settle. In the first 10 months my mum had died from cancer, she never got the chance to see how happy we were and a great life we were making. My dad waited a year then decided to join us but he had a heart attack before he sold the house. Make the most of life look on it as an adventure 😊

Allsorts. I feel for you. I too have the same sadness with my daughter and have no idea for the lack of empathy, disinterest or non-consideration. We rarely see each other, no phonecalls, just the odd text which I initiate. Any questions from me to her, is always met with monosyllabic replies. I was a stay-at-home Mum who adored bringing her and siblings up, I was there for their every need. My dear late parents used to say that 'kids were only loaned to you' and that they will fly their wings one day to concentrate on their own family but I never expected this estrangement....... truly very painful.

It is very hard but my daughter moved to Australia over 10 years ago, we see each other most years, either I fly there for a month or she comes home for holiday, we speak every day via internet, but I do miss her still.

Strangely enough when my daughter graduated I encouraged her to look at moving to NZ as she would have done really much better financially. Thankfully she is a very family oriented and didn’t want to. I am so relieved now that she didn’t go as we are exceptionally close and I have a wonderful granddaughter who I see every week. I would be heartbroken to be honest and I am very sorry that you are so sad. I have had friends with children that have done this and several have returned now as they miss their parents and wider family. So hard as we want them to be happy but it definitely tough. Good luck

Any particular reason you cannot go? I'd drop everything and be on the plane with them and I'd be so pleased that they asked us to go too.