Daughter hardly ever includes me

Misty007

My daughter used to live nearby and I minded my Grandaughter once a week. But she's re married and had another baby. Her new husband seems to involve his family all the time in my 2nd Grandaughters life and they live further away from them then I do. I've only seen her 3 times she 1 year old now.
I've had a very turbulent relationship with my daughter mainly due to her dad's involvement. I've been remarried now 21 yrs and she seems to still hold a grudge my husband doesn't like her so its very awkward I try and work it his out at work if she comes with my 1st Grandaughter.
My husband and I recently done up our spare room all nice for the girls if ever they want go stay. Another problem I was invited to their wedding party and couldn't bring myself to attend as my ex would of been there I have bad ptsd from that relationship long story. I'm 57 and the menopause is taking its toll on me. I feel lonely and down alot the only thing that really cheered me up was having my grandaughter but when I told them I wasnt attending they completely blanked me no reply at all. I'm worrying daily will I ever see them again now.

My goodness. Your story sounds so familiar. However, I am no longer being abused, yes, that is the correct word, by my DD. Just before Easter this year, after a few incidents which I won't go into, I sent my dgc an Easter card and an Easter Bunny bag each with goodies in. I had a text from dd saying why did I keep sending pointless cards and random things. The children didn't know who I was, (dd wouldn't let me visit), and they had moved so they wouldn't receive anything anyway. I had been sending cards and gifts on all occasions, including a beautiful, hand-made by Nanna (me), advent calendar last Christmas. 2023 I was video calling weekly, but dd never called me and wouldn't sit the dgc down to chat with me.
By the way, I too have ptsd from trauma in first marriage.

I feel sad for both you and your daughter that after all this time (since your divorce) you haven’t been able to deal with the trauma both of you went through for different reasons. The only way to have a chance to repair your fractured relationship is to talk, listen and accept differences of opinion or recollections of what was happening back then. Maybe consider professional help if necessary. Until you resolve things with your daughter you won’t be able to enjoy a relationship with your GCs. It isn’t too late and I hope you find the strength to do that and I wish you well.

Dear Misty, you have taken a great step in posting about your situation. I would advise you to seek professional help for yourself first. PTSD from your previous relationship needs to be considered with regards to how it’s contributing to your current circumstances. Your daughter may also need professional help on her own too if she has experienced childhood trauma. Unfortunately trauma can impact upon your lifestyle choices and decisions on a permanent basis. You’ve opened up here. If you haven’t done so already, please speak to your gp. Things may take a long while for you to gain perspective. You may see things differently and don’t rush in to highly charged situations and expect ‘magic wand’ solutions. Start with being kind to yourself as you can’t control anyone else’s behaviour.

Thank you for your update Misty007,

It appears at one stage your daughter lived with her Dad and his partner after you and he divorced, in line with her wishes. Then when 13, 20 years ago, she then came to live with you and you were able to offer her a room of her own. You mention you still have PTSD following your divorce from her father, but don't set out the reasons why ( you're not under any obligation to do so by the way) and you have not suggested that your ex husband was abusive towards you or your daughter in any way.

Yes, your daughter at 13 was difficult, aggressive and naughty and would not attend school at one stage. It's also very common for teenagers to play one parent off against the other when they divorce. Not saying your daughter did that but it's always something to be mindful of and not engage in. You each have your own ongoing separate realtionship with your daughter and only need come together now she is an adult at weddings/ celebrations etc. Bad behaviour is so very common for teenagers generally, especially those experiencing divorce of their parents and getting used to parent's new partners etc. Blame the behaviour not the child. You and your current husband tried to be patient and kind- well done to you for your efforts. It's never easy but part and parcel of being a parent/ step parent if you marry someone who already has children. .

Your daughter is in her 30s now and you have all survived and come through those turbulent teenage years. However your relationship with your daughter remains turbulent and your husband "doesn't like her so it's very awkward" .

You've now clarified your daughter married abroad but had a party celebration 5 months later and you didn't attend because you were ill. You did not outline the nature of your illness or to what extent you were debilitated so could not reasonably be expected to attend the party (of course you are under no obligation to do so). Yet in your original post you said "I was invited to their wedding party and couldn't bring myself to attend as my ex would have been there I have bad ptsd from that relationship long story". The differing accounts I find somewhat confusing- and not sure what message you gave to your daughter at the time.

Anyway you received many posts about coming to terms with your ex husband being involved in your daughter's life, present at the wedding celebration and need to come to terms with him being present in her life. because originally you said that was the reason you chose not to attend.

I still would advise you to seek support from your GP for your menopause, feeling down and most importantly for you PTSD that you say you have now had for many years. PTSD is mental health condition that can develop after a person experiences a very stressful, frightening or distressing event and treatment is available. I am concerned that you seem to be without support and necessary treatment.

I also would still advise counselling so you can unpack how you can improve things with your daughter and how your PTSD is adversely impacting on your life and your family relationships.

All the best.

And be honest with her about her wedding celebration. You should have dome that first, but it’s never too late to tell the truth.

So your husband doesn’t like your adult daughter because she was going through teenage angst and instability years ago, and you still don’t understand why she prefers not to spend time with you two? She’s an adult and she’s choosing to spend most of her time around those she finds supportive. She certainly isn’t obligated to hand over her children. Perhaps asking to spend quality time with her and the grands at her place without your husband would help? Your husband isn’t her father or the grandfather of the children so he isn’t a necessary part of the relationship. It may help heal the wound between you and your daughter, which is most important.

Misty so sorry to read your plight. I can understand about not wanted to attend you DD pre-wedding party. I felt the same with my ex attending my f.i.l's surprise party this year, my ex lives abroad, so normally not a problem. In the end I went with the mindset of 'I was going for my f.i.l's sake, despite my ex being there'. Amazingly everything was fine, ex was friendly with me and no trouble, I had already said I would be leaving before everyone got tanked-up.

Unfortunately something happened the next day, all hell broke loose, and back to being enemys again!

Have a word with your DD, tell her how you are feeling, don't leave it. I haven't seen my once beloved D&GD [that lived with me before her now H came along] for almost 13yrs now, same senerio as you, she married, had a son & that was us [her birth family] out with the dirty dish water! The longer it goes on the harder it is to repair.

There are some who are capable of attending a wedding by going through the motions of enjoyment, acting the conventional part of wedding guest despite another guest being their most hated acquaintance or ex-husband.

You did not feel you were able to do so. I agree with other Grans that you must explain this to your daughter. It is not easy to explain this to a young and inexperienced person so , if you can afford to do so ,pay a counsellor to help you with your explanation.

Here is a suitable thing to say to your daughter:-

"Love, I want you to know how proud I am of you and how happy I am that you’ve found love again. I didn’t come to the wedding because I’ve been struggling with bad memories from my past, and seeing certain people there would have been too much for me.

It had nothing to do with you — I just didn’t want to break down or cause any upset on your special day. I hope you can understand that it came from love, not rejection. I wish I could have been there with you in spirit, and I truly am happy for you.”

Sorry that meant to read
we tried to be so patient and kind with her.

I probably didnt explain in depth. My daughter wanted to live with her dad and his girlfriend. My husband took my daughter on like his own when we met 20 yr back my daughter was 13 at the time we moved into a bigger home then we could really afford just so she had her own room after her
dad decided suddenly she couldn't live with him and his girlfriend which my daughter choose to do. She was very naughty aggressive and hateful towards us we tried to be so hard with her. The situation got so bad she wouldn't attend school etc. Anyway she's 30 now married with her own children. Nobody was invited to her wedding they married in secret abroad. What I didnt attend was the after party 5 months later. My reason was I was ill I did tell her this. My ex was going to be there i have ptsd from that relationship a long story. I hope that makes the situation abit clearer.

I'm afraid I don't understand the confusion behind this. Your husband doesn't like your daughter so she likely feels unwelcome - why would she make the effort to visit somewhere she feels unwelcome when she can likely visit her own husbands family who welcome her with open arms? I expect she made the effort to still come previously because you're her mother but not attending her wedding showed her that you will always put your own wants, needs and feelings before her. You couldn't manage to act like a grown up with your ex husband for one day for the sake of your daughter? She's simply matching your energy. Your main issue here is your husband and your inability to self reflect. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong here.

Lostmyglassesxx

Some empathy would be nice .. when someone is in a difficult situation and reaches out . There are always two sides to everything and we do not know the whole dynamic .. she can only tell her side of the story from her perspective so be kind . Adult daughters and mothers relationships can be very tricky .

Agreed there is far too much nastiness here. Maybe the nastiest were never abused to his extent. If it happens then total no contact with the perpetrator is essential. The Daughtere needs to show respect to her mother and posters need to respect and demonstrate kindness. Hat has become of society. I give up.

Totally agree with other posters. I hate seeing my ex husband but we have 2 daughter's together. I would never have not gone to my eldest's wedding! I never spoke to him and detest his nasty wife but would never have dreamed of not going. As for your husband not liking your daughter...why did you marry him? I agree with others I think you need to seek counselling and talk this through or you are going to lose out big time.

Some empathy would be nice .. when someone is in a difficult situation and reaches out . There are always two sides to everything and we do not know the whole dynamic .. she can only tell her side of the story from her perspective so be kind . Adult daughters and mothers relationships can be very tricky .

There's a lot of dysfunctional marriages on here. Why do people get married in the first place?

Sorry that's unhelpful but apart from echoing what others have said, I think it's too late to have regrets and it's all about mending relationships now.

At least you see your DD and the DGDs occasionally. No use being jealous of the other DGP just be glad you arent estranged.

I would have a talk with the husband who doesn't like your child too. He sounds like a bully.

Try to tell your DD your true feelings. Does she even realise how bad your marriage to her father was for you? Can you write her a letter?

semperfidelis

There are some really nasty judgemental comments on here. You really dont know exactly how the person felt about going to the wedding event which her x husband would be attending. She said she was really depressed (psd) at the time and maybe she wasn't coping and felt very alone. Yes, it would be a good idea to talk to her daughter about this directly...BUT why does anyone post on here when there isn't a word of support in a complex situation?

Agree.
It depends on how bad your ex-husband was - just run-of-the-mill taking you for granted, or abusive to the point that, actually, seeing him again might be v traumatic.
If it's the latter, you probably made the only possible choice in not attending the wedding.
You could ask your daughter, would you rather you had attended & then she ended up a mum with severe MH problems.
You seem to be at a point when you want to resolve these issues, so getting in touch with DD & apologising for not being there for her on her wedding day, & telling her as you've told us, how much joy your first GGD brought into your life when you used to take care of her, might be a starting point.

Sorry but there is no way I would have missed my daughter’s wedding, surely your present husband would have been there with you so there was no need to be frightened of the ex, I personally understand what you mean when you say you had ptsd over him but you are still letting him manipulate you by not attending the wedding, please sit down with your daughter and explain why you didn’t go but that you now regret it (if you do)

There is some very good candid advice on here which I hope you take on board for you and your daughters future sake .I cant add more sorry but wish you good luck and hope it works out.

LemonJam

Dear Misty007, You've been married to your current husband for 21 years so divorced from your ex husband for over 21 years ago- i.e. when you were 36 or younger.

21 or more years later you say you still have PTSD regarding the break down of your marriage to your first husband. You feel sad and lonely, are suffering menopausal symptoms in addition and say the only thing that cheers you up is seeing your first grand child. The extent of your emotional and psychological state resulted in your decision not to attend your daughter's second wedding to her new husband because your ex husband would be there.

You say your relationship with your daughter has been turbulent because of her father's (your ex husband) involvement. Her father will always be involved in her life- fact. So another way of looking at it is that your relationship with your daughter has been turbulent BECAUSE you have not been able to accept her father's involvement in her life?

Whatever difficulties you experienced in your relationship with your ex husband/ your daughter's father, all those many years ago, you need to address your acrimonious ( or whatever the nature of feelings you have towards him) feelings about him emotional state in order for your relationship with your daughter to improve.

If you hold onto your harmful negativity about your long divorced ex husband to the extent it hurts your daughter, the longer you will feel sad and isolated and the longer you will miss contact with your still very young Gds.

You have 2 Gds, the younger is 1 year old and the second, not sure, but still a young child most likely. You say the only thing that cheers you up is seeing your GD. You really need to build bridges with your daughter in reality to have contact with your GDs.

Your negativity towards your ex husband remains so high you prioritised your own emotional well being over attending your daughter's wedding day to celebrate her marriage. That must have hurt her a great deal. She now feels more alienated from you than she did before most likely. But it hasn't made you happy either and you feel more isolated than ever. This is all very sad.

I don't think there are any easy or quick solutions. I'd advise you seeing your GP for support in your menopause journey. I'd also advise counselling to get beneath all your layers of hurt and pain that continues to damage you and your relationships with your loved ones around you.

None of this is meant in a judgemental way. I seek to reflect your situation back to you. Many of us have experienced divorce, some of us from abusive ex husbands. However they remain in their children's lives and that has to be accepted so that all parties can move on with acceptance, tolerance and respect. It's not easy but can be done. The alternative is unhappiness, as you are realising, predominantly for yourself.

Misty I hope you can take on board this excellent and well thought through and explained advice from Lemonjam 💐

Dear Misty007, You've been married to your current husband for 21 years so divorced from your ex husband for over 21 years ago- i.e. when you were 36 or younger.

21 or more years later you say you still have PTSD regarding the break down of your marriage to your first husband. You feel sad and lonely, are suffering menopausal symptoms in addition and say the only thing that cheers you up is seeing your first grand child. The extent of your emotional and psychological state resulted in your decision not to attend your daughter's second wedding to her new husband because your ex husband would be there.

You say your relationship with your daughter has been turbulent because of her father's (your ex husband) involvement. Her father will always be involved in her life- fact. So another way of looking at it is that your relationship with your daughter has been turbulent BECAUSE you have not been able to accept her father's involvement in her life?

Whatever difficulties you experienced in your relationship with your ex husband/ your daughter's father, all those many years ago, you need to address your acrimonious ( or whatever the nature of feelings you have towards him) feelings about him emotional state in order for your relationship with your daughter to improve.

If you hold onto your harmful negativity about your long divorced ex husband to the extent it hurts your daughter, the longer you will feel sad and isolated and the longer you will miss contact with your still very young Gds.

You have 2 Gds, the younger is 1 year old and the second, not sure, but still a young child most likely. You say the only thing that cheers you up is seeing your GD. You really need to build bridges with your daughter in reality to have contact with your GDs.

Your negativity towards your ex husband remains so high you prioritised your own emotional well being over attending your daughter's wedding day to celebrate her marriage. That must have hurt her a great deal. She now feels more alienated from you than she did before most likely. But it hasn't made you happy either and you feel more isolated than ever. This is all very sad.

I don't think there are any easy or quick solutions. I'd advise you seeing your GP for support in your menopause journey. I'd also advise counselling to get beneath all your layers of hurt and pain that continues to damage you and your relationships with your loved ones around you.

None of this is meant in a judgemental way. I seek to reflect your situation back to you. Many of us have experienced divorce, some of us from abusive ex husbands. However they remain in their children's lives and that has to be accepted so that all parties can move on with acceptance, tolerance and respect. It's not easy but can be done. The alternative is unhappiness, as you are realising, predominantly for yourself.

My daughter got married last year and my husband and I went, as did my ex husband and his wife. The groom's mother and her husband were there, and also the groom's father and his wife. We all got on well and would have done anything to make the day special for our daughter/son. Irrespective of any other issues, it is very sad that you couldn't have done this for your daughter and I can understand why she is so upset.

I think, like Smileless2012, you need to explain things to your daughter with full candour. Your PTSD is a big factor, and she will need to know some details and then she may understand better why you didn't support her on her wedding day. She may not understand the effect that could have had on the event were you to have gone into full on panic or worse.

Essexgirl145

Bluesmum.........are'nt we always told to think of our own mental health first and yet, when we do, we're told to think of others. It can't both be right.

Perhaps her daughter is doing exactly as you describe. Who knows? It’s possible she may just be protecting her mental health by avoiding spending time around someone who dislikes her (the husband). It is possible she may be leaning into her in laws who supported her marriage rather than being reminded on her mum who didn’t show up to her wedding. I don’t know OP’s daughter to confirm, but I can certainly at least try to see the other perspective based on OP’s details.

What has "contemporary morality" got to do with anything? Not an expression I have ever heard being used.

I think a lot of people are troubled by the partners dislike of the daughter. I don't think that sounds at all like a healthy relationship. It is easy to imagine he also disapproved of attending the daughters wedding.

It would be far better to be single than with a man who doesn't support this relationship or coping with an ex partner at a wedding, which would be achievable with support. It could have just meant attending the ceremony at least.

I can imagine many children would feel heartbroken and let down. I don't feel it is nasty to point that out or be shocked when reading a situation.