Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

Thank you Lesley60, and everyone else. Yes, due to childhood trauma, I am a people pleaser. That's a whole 'nother forum for a different day LOL. I like how you said nature tells us we are too old. That is a great way to look at it (as my go-to emotion is guilt!).

That said...week does not end on a positive note.

Daughter (who leaves for work at 5:30am) just called, and wondered if my husband could drop me off early tomorrow because her husband has an appointment in the morning. Friday is my day to have the baby here, so...why can't her hubby just drop off the baby earlier? Why can't he ask me?

She said he said it's a "hassle" for him, so can you just be here early. I said no. He can bring the baby here earlier if has to be to work earlier. Simple enough?

Omg, I started WW3, again. If they don't like it, fire me. I know my daughter is caught in the middle, as she does all the communicating, her husband is being a (the!) baby, and needs to grow up. For example, I get to their house at 7:45, then he watches TV for half and hour, showers, lollygags, and strolls into work around 9am.

AND, this week we have one car that is being repaired, so my husband would have to get up earlier too, to drop me off, That means me nagging and worrying that he won't get up on time either. Sorry, I digress...but damn, I can't take it.

Daughter was snippy with me because I didn't give in, my husband said "oh don't worry about it", which is his go to emotion to ignore my concerns. He said I was silly to feel like they didn't respect me. Which just makes matters worse.

Is it so bad since I'm providing free childcare, that I ask that they drop the baby off here, and if you have to work early, just drop the baby off early? Why the shit-storm?

These nuances are more and more frequent, things get better for a few days, and then bam, another "special request" from her husband.

They would not get away with that at a regular babysitters, especially with the attitude and snottiness displayed to me when they don't get their way. Would they do that to an employed sitter It almost feels like the husband (baby's father), is testing me, playing games, it's just really weird.

At this point, with all the curve balls thrown at me, lack of respect, and I know I'm being taken advantage of, I miss my other kids and some free time too (I can't even make it to the grocery store or library before they close most days, much less make a doctors appointment), I'm ready to tell them to look for a sitter that can meet their needs.

Since he makes so much money, he can hire a live in nanny to cater to his schedule. It's not me.

Then I can enjoy my time with my grandson and not feel like a drudge!

Again, I apologize for this long post. I have no one else to talk to, and feel like I'm going crazy. You guys have kept me sane and able to take care of the little guy this past week.

I was hoping things were getting better, but here we go round and round again. Time to stop.

Thanks again for listening from across the pond. And feel free to give any advice, even if it's not what I want to hear. I know I'm not eloquent, probably misspell and don't punctuate correctly (especially when mad!).

But Happy Friday from a an artic Wisconsin, on top of everything, we are dealing with constant snow and subzero temps! (And I'm literally getting sick, sore throat and cough) Don't get me started on that...

I agree with all the other replies, it also sounds to me that you have been taken for granted for years possibly by your husband.
If so do you think you might be lacking in confidence and therefore accepted the way you are being treated.
By the way I think nature tells us we are too old to be looking after babies full time by stopping us from being able to reproduce after a certain age.
Please take your life back before you wear yourself out physically and mentally, retirement is for you time not going through everything you had to do when you had a young family to look after I’m not being rude but most of us wouldn’t have the same energy as when we were young.
I would tell your daughter she has to start doing what most other young mums have to do.
Please look after yourself because it doesn’t sound as if anyone else 💐

grammiebe and you can't do their housework and laundry if the baby is at your house! Another positive!

Enjoy your time with him.

grammiebe you sound much more upbeat today! And empowered 👍🏻
Great news for you and your husband 😊

Well, positive mid-week update. Due to our own car troubles, our son in law has dropped off little one everyone morning and I think now he appreciates me coming to their house. One huge benefit...Grandpa. Yesterday he said to me how he loved spending time with the baby as we never got to when we had our own, we were too busy working. I think that is where I get my sensitivity from - we did not make the money these two do, so we had to work opposite shifts to cover childcare. We were exhausted and missed so much of the fun of raising kids as we were bleary eyed and always worrying about money. I had it in my mind I never wanted my kids to go through that - but this couple makes twice what we do right now, so I hadn't worry about that, and feel more confident speaking up. Back to Grandpa, it was wonderful to see him to connecting to the little guy, oh my what times they will have as he grows up. It will all work out, communication will be key, and if they don't like me, they can fire me. He will be grown and going to preschool before I know it, so I'm going to enjoy this time, laundry, etc. will get done when it gets done. And again, thank you for having me. I found "Reddit" and such forums in the US so entitled, and grandparent bashing, one said I was lucky they let me babysit - sometimes I'm embarrassed to say I'm from the US anymore! Again, many thanks and let's enjoy our babies and the holiday season!

Couldn't believe what I was reading here. You are being used and abused by your daughter
Tell them you can't continue with these hours. Tell them to get a cleaner. Set hours you actually want to do eg 3 days a week, or just mornings. Stop doing cleaning it's not your job.
Tell them it's less hours or not at all.
Stand up for yourself
Best wishes

Enough good advice has been given here. We are a wise and supportive lot on Granset!
Just sending flowers and a hug to grasp the courage to talk to your daughter and SIL about the situation.
It cannot continue or you will become ill.
Best wishes for a successful solution
] x

It’s time these new parents started putting their child’s needs first and they should put in their effort to learn how to be good parents. If you work full time then your child needs you for all the time left over, so no gym or football. Life has changed and you are now a mum and dad.
Read up on attachment theory as it might give you some insight into your own experiences as a child and why you are caught up in your daughters parenting life.

I just came across your post and was so sorry to read your experience. I do hope you have been able to resolve the situation and continue to enjoy your grandson and other family.

Wow...this is a truly awful way to be treated.
Resign

He watched football. No way. He needs to be involved in parenting. He has to learn to do both, perhaps. Or change his buddy group for those with children, who have working wives to see how it should be done. What I am seeing is that she is trying to do it all, while he carries on as before, and you ae bearing the brunt so he does not have to.

Weekends are yours, and yes, they can drop him off one or 2 days, so that grandpa can share the load too.
The nanny cam is because she is feeling separation anxiety and guilt as much as not trusting you. If she calls when he is sleeping tell her so.
As to such a long day, they need to organise their work to shorten that. My DIL worked from 9, so my start was 8:30, and son came home at 4:30 because he started a 7:00. Many couples who pay for child care do this.

You are stressed its not Wendy …Its Celia Johnson..lol..

I can hardly believe this! You are being treated like a 'skivvy' for what???$250 p/m. Just say you cannot do this as you are exhausted. I cannit believe the way uou are been treated. What are the rest of the family saying about this? They need told in no uncertain terms. Please enlist the support of your othet family. I am just appalled that they find this ok!.. and sad for you. Do you really need them to pay your health insurance .You did not say your age...but you are doing a 10 hr day! They need sorted out..extremely selfish and uncaring..to their son and you. Enlist support and get them told..Sending you hugs from Scotland.

I totally agree with BlueBelle. Totally unacceptable. She should hire a nanny! Ilook after my wee grandaughter 2/3 days a week in my home! Paternal grandparents do same we alternate Tuesday's. You need to have a discussion with them....and your husbabd needs to support you in this.

I’d just say that you’re too tired to do everything that they want you to. They’re paying you buttons when the childcare they’ expect would probably cost 10 times that.
I would say that you could do one day a week and the odd extra but that it as it’s making you ill!

I'm afraid you'll have to tell them you're ill, and have to leave. And LEAVE. This is not at all good for your health. The son-in-law is lazy. THIS is not OK! They wanted me to go to their church with them, he comes from a (for show) religious family, and is all into proper formality, so I did once, they said I could go again but they would have to ask permission from the pastor (?). So, I just feel so awkward and less-than. I've been sitting overnight when he travels, works late, etc. Sitting for Christmas parties, after work business dinners, and now was asked at 9pm last night if I could sit again today, on weekend, so he could go watch football with his buddies, and my daughter could work.' NO, GO HOME. You're ill..

Omg this is absolutely ridiculous. I cannot believe what I was reading. Your daughter and SIL are abusing you both financially and emotionally and casting in you - what the hell. $250 for your medical care - big bloody deal

I’m really sorry you have been put in this position, but you will definitely have to do something about it.

They are appreciative, pay my monthly health insurance at $250 a month

I would say that's at least the going rate per day for what you are doing.

I read this and honestly thought half way through it was a wind up how any one let alone family take advantage of you this way I understand you love your gc but this is obviously taking a toll on your health so if you want to be there in the future for them you need to take a step back and prioritise your yourself

So, your daughter has shot herself in the foot so to speak, by telling you how much money you save them…So just sit down and list all the the things your not happy about…starting with the camera, the list of chores, working at weekends, and tell her if the baby is asleep you will not be waking him up…and tell them you need weekends to relax…btw you say your daughter works at home at weekends but still cant be asked to look after her own baby..and point out that if they paid someone to do all the extras that you do including overtime it would cost them even more..Remember at the end of the day they need you, and they need someone who they can trust... And this was exactly why my daughter asked me to do the same thing when each of her sons was born.. but whenever either her or her husband was home I had the day off..her my SIL works for a news programme so often he did shifts and when he did, again I got the day off..she would say oh R’s home tomorrow you've got the day off..my daughter paid me twice that and that was 20 odd years ago..

Really !!!
This desperate lady is asking for advice and you feel the need to criticise the way she has written her post.

Did you really sign up to be an unpaid 24/7 on call nanny? Of course you didn't, you need a sit down meeting with the parents and just lay on the table exactly how much work you are doing. Maybe suggest you do p/t and a nanny does the rest of of the hours, this is not sustainable

After many years my son and daughter in law became pregnant with our first grandson. We were absolutely thrilled and were going to rush in and offer at least half a week child care. I told a very dear friend what we planned to do and she immediately warned against it explaining how very draining childcare is at our age (70's). If it wasn't for this pearl of wisdom we could have found ourselves in a similiar situation. In the end we offered one day per week which was very gratefully received. We now have two grandsons and were able to offer our daughter one day per week too. I now pass these pearls of wisdom on to new grandparents when childcare is being discussed!! Whether they take any notice is up to them. I cannot begin to comprehend how on earth you are coping. I sincerely hope you can come to some arrangements (quickly) that suit everyone involved and doesn't result in any estrangement. Sending positive vibes.

Clown comment

I can’t see anywhere where you say what age you are but I’m guessing over 60yrs? That being the case circa 12 hour days for a full working week is absolutely ridiculous for them to expect you to cover, we just don’t have the stamina to do it at this age. I look after two of my grandchildren twice a week which is ideal for me, the other three days are split, one day they go to nursery, one day to the other granny and one day mum doesn’t work. You must tell your daughter and son in law that you can’t go on working at this level and that they need to arrange alternative cover for some of the days and employ a cleaner. They probably won’t like it but you have to look after yourself
With regards to the surveillance I get that they are first time parents and are finding their feet but it’s unacceptable to be constantly monitoring you, I’d be inclined to either turn it off or put a cover over the cameras, my son initially kept checking in by text as to how my granddaughter was getting on, so I’d send them pictures of her with a blackboard stating the date and time on it labelled ‘Proof of life’ written, they settled down on the checking after a few times receiving pictures like that
Work out what level of care you are able to offer and give them a deadline for which they will need to have alternative arrangements by