Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

I am sorry, if I am upsetting the OP but this is sounding so extreme, I am beginning to wonder if it is a con.

keeping quiet -
Crosspost but surely the siblings have noticed what is going on and must have opinions. Has anyone ever said ‘No’ to your daughter or has she been indulged all her life?

‘Last week I was told if I wanted a day off or a vacation I would have to give them two months notice and they would consider it. AND...her husband is a "boss" at work and I think he tries to make me feel like an employee, or have that dynamic.‘

Unbelievable - you have to let this selfish pair know 2 months in advance if you want ‘a day off’ and the entitled ones will CONSIDER it?! What do your other children think about this? You are being exploited and much as you want to be a part of your baby grandson’s life you must put a stop to this. Talk to your doctor about exhaustion, yes, it could affect your driving. Get some changes made, soon.

Can you enlist your other children to back you up here?

What is their opinion on this, especially as you canot spend time with them now, and you missed your son's milestone birthday? It sounds as if they don't care about their siblings either.

My take is that this a family matter, including your husband. So I suggest speaking to each sibling and try to get them all together to work something out, otherwise I can see a rupture occuring in this family.

I think the last sentence in your OP is exactly what would make me give them a time period to find alternative care. I would lead with your exhaustion and fear of falling asleep in my communications, but to be perfectly honest I also wouldn’t be tolerating being treated as merely the untrusted hired help. There is no way as a grandmother would I willingly be monitored on a nanny cam. Their baby, their rules but they’d need a child-miner other than myself.

The way they are treating you is utterly intolérable. You don't have to be their skivvy, at their beck and call any time they want you.

As for having cameras set up, they can forget that right now. You should not be subject to this surveillance. Either they trust you or they don't.

As others have said, you really need to be strong and put the boundaries in place.
Once they have to start paying for a nanny, they will appreciate it even more if you can look after your grandson from time to time.
Good luck in finding an acceptable solution.

Bluebelle You are right retread but what would you do?

I wouldn't go in hard from the off , I'd keep my powder dry ...

Utterly unacceptable! No way should you put up with this! Resign immediately!

You are doing too much! Just look after the baby when you want to - if you are doing it while they are working then that is your limit. No housework or anything else they leave a list for you to do. The nannycam (quite frankly) is insulting - if your daughter is so keen to see her child then she needs to give up work and be a SAHM not be chasing you and then disturbing the baby when they are asleep.
If they need a sitter when you are done for the day because they have functions or work dos to attend - then they pay for one anad let you get some well earned rest.

Professional nannies do childcare. They do not do the housework , family launry, baby sit at night /weekends etc. No wonder you're exhausted!

Your daughter needs to hire a cleaner, (and include laundry in their services) and a babysitter for when they go out to parties etc. My cleaner charges £15 an hour. My teen Grand daughter is paid £10 for an evenings babysitting ( with the childdren already fed bathed and in bed when she arrives; that's not part of her job) .

I would also object to the constant nannycam + commentary.
Yes, she might want a nannycam for a hired nanny. But if she did that, I don't think a professional nanny would put up with the observing parents repeated comments, interruptions, corrections instructions etc. (I'm surprised your aughters employer doesn't object !)

You need to have a sit tdown with your daughter, H an SIL and say, this is not how you envisaged helping with the baby and it's not sustainable. You ndd H also have a live of your own and it's NOT going to be totally taken over like this.

The new parents have to make some changes and quickly, because you are not their skivvy.

Retread - thank you. I'm am new here so not sure I'm writing everything correctly, but you put it very well. I don't even mind a cam visit, if we have a set time (10am for morning, 3pm for afternoon), I could plan activities and naps around that. Otherwise, its chaos.
My husband is not supportive whatsoever, I'm the meanie if I don't give in and help 200%. Which I didn't mind when they first had the baby, a newborn needs a village! But unfortunately, it has gone to far.

My husband treats me like since I am retired I have nothing else to do, so...you probably guess by now where daughter gets her attitude.

Again, this is taking away from so much - time with my other daughter, and my two sons. And my health. I think with some boundaries, discussion of respect, etc. maybe we can sort things out.

I really appreciate all your replies and welcoming me to this group. I think I would have went over the edge today if you guys didn't chime in. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Wow , there’s a lot to unpack in your post . Firstly a nannycam for a gran !!! Words fail me . Totally unacceptable.
Your DD and Sil are treating you like an employee, also unacceptable.
Please stop or you will make yourself ill.
Do your other DC know what’s going on ?
Ditto your DH . Because it sounds like you don’t have much time for your other DC and DH. Which isn’t fair on them .
What also amazed me is that your DD has returned to work so early . The boy was 2 months if I’m correct . I’m not excusing your DD but leaving such a very young baby must make her very anxious, which might explain the constant viewing of the camera .
Sending virtual flowers

You are right retread but what would you do ? they don’t sound as if they are open for any negotiations and they have a LOT to lose
I m afraid I would not have agreed to having a camera on me all the time that would have been enough for me, to know my own daughter did not trust me to look after my beloved grandchild. This sounds so far out to be almost unbelievable
Am I right that this is a US poster as you are talking in dollars ?
This is so unacceptable and almost unbelievable

I think I’d try to talk before writing a formal letter.

You could say as a non-negotiable starter that the camera is an invasion of your privacy and must stop, whether in the original agreement or not.
There may be other aspects of the agreement that you want to amend, including spending certain days at your own house so that you can do your own housework.

Your daughter is certainly inconsiderate and demanding,but it may be that she is just copying a contract she found somewhere without considering closely.
If you want to retrieve something of the situation so that you can continue caring for your grandson that might be a way to start.

The trouble with a “hard line” approach is the parents will perhaps prevent this gran from seeing the baby …

grammiebe this arrangement must change.

The parents won’t make the changes, because it’s all on their terms at the moment, so you’ll have to instigate it.

My instincts would be to simply say “This isn’t working for me, and the arrangement needs to work for both parties. I’d like [insert what must change] if I am to continue”.

For example “No nannycam. No waking the baby so you can see him” etc. (The mind boggles). Sure, give them a month or so of notice. All of this done with sweetness and light and of course, it’s in the baby’s best interests!

Good luck, I trust you will find a way that will allow you to enjoy your grandson.

Please stop. They are treating you cruelly, you don't have to accept it.

When does your daughter do any of the work I assume she is being paid to do?

She sounds as if she spends all day looking at the ‘cam’.

Your daugher and husband treat you like a domestic slave.
They have chosen to exploit you rather than risk the immigration authorities if they were to employ an illegal mmigrant.

If you were a proper employee, you would be able to complain to the police about physical and mental abuse and you would be able to report them for paying you less than the going and legal wage.

The first month in any job is usually a probationary period, they can sack you if you do not suit and you can give them notice that you are leaving without any come back.

As others have said, write a formal letter of resignation and give them a months notice - and do NOT extend it, no matter how much they try the emotional blackmail trick. Because that is exactly what they will do.

As for expecting you to return to them to babysit after a difficult medical appointment so that your daughter can go tot the GYm -words fail me.

I couldn’t get past the lack of paragraphs.

Give them a months notice to find a nanny. They are treating you like dirt on their shoes. They don`t love you, nor even care for you. Leave while you still have your health, physically and mentally

Be strong, they are very formal with you so write them a formal dated letter of resignation, just a short one and keep a copy. Book a holiday for the day after the notice period.

I hope you are able to talk about this problem with your daughter and son in law. What back up plan is in place if you have a sudden emergency?
I know some cultures will think it entirely normal for a grandmother to look after her grandchildren and others won’t. Is there another relative who can help?

Your daughter doesn’t appreciate you at all and she sounds a very rude and entitled young woman as does her husband, with no respect for you. Until you tackle this head on and lay down your own rules for taking care of their child, this will continue. How dare she demand you apply for time off 2 months in advance and they will consider it. If I were you I’d give notice that they need to find another nanny.
Now you’ve written it all down, can you see how bad it is and do you feel able to take some action. How supportive about it is your husband? I hope you manage to get this sorted out before your exhaustion leads to you having an accident of some kind. Be brave and be firm, this is a not how it should be. Good luck x

grammiebe I'm so glad you've found this forum and let's hope we can help you find a balance that works for all of your family.
At the moment your daughter and son-in-law seem to think they're the only people who matter, and that they can lay the law down with no consideration for anyone else.

This needs to stop.
Rest assured a professional childcarer or nanny would have handed in their notice by now!

Your comment about your grandson coming to your house might not be such a bad idea, though not to live of course.
You'd be in your own comfortable space, presumably with your husband more than at present, and best of all no cameras.
What were they thinking of with that stunt??

BlueBelle

Sorry but I find this totally unacceptable I wouldn’t be scrutinised as you are if they trusted me so little they could pay top whack and get a full time nanny
Absolutely no way would I be on camera all day watching me like a criminal She leaves you a list of housework you have to do , she’s a cheeky mare
If you don’t want to be truthful and tackle her fully, then tell them you’re too ill to do these hours

She is taking the pee completely

I agree with what Bluebelle and other posters say 👍