Sorry, this is a long post.
We have 9 grandchildren ( 3 children each with 3 children). Our daughter lives very close to us and works full time. I look after the children 3 days a week. I have the 2 year old all day and collect the 3 and 6 year olds from school and nursery and give them all dinner. Depending on what time their mum finishes work I sometimes bath them and get them ready for bed. We also often have them when our daughter and her husband go out or go away for a few days. I don’t get paid to look after them and I buy all the food, nappies etc myself. It’s very hard work but I love the children and I want to help our daughter.
A few times since she had the children our daughter has said that when the children are naughty she says things like ‘if you do that you can’t go to grandma’s’. This then seemed to expand to ‘don’t do that Grandma will be cross’. Sometimes when she is really struggling she has called me to moan about them and has said she had told them she is phoning grandma to say they are being naughty. In recent weeks she often says when she is with us and disciplining them that ‘you will upset grandma’.
In actual fact I don’t really get cross and am always kind and fair. I’m more likely to distract a child and recognise tiredness and hunger than to raise my voice. The only time I do raise my voice is when they run away outside because I am scared they will get hurt or when they take their arms out of car seat straps (which they increasingly do). On those occasions I stop the car, put the straps back on, and tell them firmly not to do it.
My issue is that in recent months the 3 year old has seemed to become scared of me. If either his mum or grandad are around he won’t let me put his shoes or coat on or take him to the toilet. He won’t hold my hand outside and screams and pulls away from me. When we are alone he will let me do those things although he won’t hold my hand, he will hold onto the pushchair. He will come to me to read stories and to ask me to draw things. He will happily make things with me ( we often bake or do craft activities ) and when he is hurt he will want me to cuddle him. But only when we are alone. If anyone else is there he behaves as if I am a monster.
I have never hurt him, I have never been rough with him, I am not abrupt or shouty. I’m a very quiet person. I have worried and cried and thought carefully about everything I have ever done and I honestly don’t think I have done anything.
I suspect that our daughter has pushed the idea that I will be cross to the extent that he is now associating me with being cross.
I should add that our daughter is generally very stressed. She is the main breadwinner, money is tight, she argues a lot with her husband (often calling me in the middle of an argument) and I think she probably gets very cross with the children. Sometimes when she calls everybody is screaming. I don’t think anyone is in any danger, I just think there is a lot of stress.
What can I do? As well as being worried about the situation at my daughter’s home I am miserable about my relationship with my grandson. I tell him I love him, I praise him when he’s good, I take him out to the park, I read to him, I do everything I can, and then I’m the one he seems to hate. I have tried talking about this to my daughter but she just shuts me down. I think she is so stressed that she doesn’t care what’s happening for me or got my grandson. I’m worried about him and what is going on in his little head.
