Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

Thank you rachifagran
That’s exactly how I feel
The child is being brought up obnoxious and she is never reprimanded for her actions
She’s allowed to decide everything at the age of 5 !
As for my daughter , we have never been close , she doesn’t really care about me , o think she just uses me
She’s never kind and has no compassion even though she knows my situation with her dad in a care home is far from enviable
I don’t want to apologise to her , I don’t know what to do
I love the youngest grandchild and if it wasn’t for him , I think I would cut all ties with her now

Bluebelle has a point, regarding stress.
I think I was quite an ‘uptight’ person during my separation and subsequent divorce - stress can make anyone bad-tempered.

NJAPF - I’m sorry you haven’t had much support or understanding here. We have all said and done things that seem awful in hindsight. We are human. I certainly have.
Years ago when my little GD was crying for her mum and wouldn’t sleep, I raised my voice and said ‘no point in crying D, your Mum is away for the night, and won’t be back till the morning’. Later, I think I took her into my bed and she dropped off to sleep. She is now 23 years old .
None of us are perfect parents or grandparents……

Reading through some past posts you have had troubles with your son, your daughter, your husbands nurses and his care home management, and your grandchildren which in another thread you say all are badly behaved … do you ever reflect on the common denominator?
Have you always been like this or is it brought on by worry, stress, loneliness and too much child care in which case I feel empathy for you, but if it’s your personality (perhaps brought on by tough handling in your own childhood ) do look for some counselling, some help to get this all out of your head so your family can see a softer side to you
I know you haven’t liked my previous answers but I haven’t written to be hard, I hoped you might look a bit deeper inside yourself and realise there are other ways to be happier.
I hope things can get easier

She does sound horrible, I would not put up with her behaviour, my Grandson played me up one day and in the heat of the moment I said he was horrible. Have none of you never said anything in the heat of the moment, or are you all perfect.

Ignore your daughter, it stings because she is bringing up an obnoxious child and the truth hurts. She is also ignorant to just not turn up to a previously arranged event. I wonder where the Grandaughter gets her behaviour from?

I have 3 Grandchildren, and I was not a perfect Grandmother. My Grandchildren love me, and believe it or not, what I called them had no lasting affects.

I hope this is not a wind up, but I really would not give what you said a second thought, your daughter should have listened to your side of the story, and told that child off.

I would never ask for advice like this on any forums, as you get far too many judgy people.

Your daughter no doubt knows you well enough to know that you will never apologise.

It’s a shame that you are unable to do that simple thing.

Notjustaprettyface

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

Notjustaprettyface

Gransnet is not an echo chamber, I am sad that you cannot reflect and understand the consequences of your behaviour.

I would love to see the response from Mumsnet, you would need a hard hat and a full suit of armour.

keepingquiet

It's a wind up.

Sadly not, I trawled through OP’s previous threads.

What help is it that you are looking for? Most of us would not agree with calling a grandchild names. Your daughter didn't come to the meet up because she isn't prepared to let this go without apology or acceptance it was wrong because it may happen again. So you either do the right thing and apologise or accept that the relationship and the trust it once had will not be the same again.

Perhaps calling your grandchild that brought back some difficult memories for your daughter of how you spoke to her and seeing her daughter labelled in such a way made her stop and think.

Notjustaprettyface
I think you just lost your temper with your GD because you were tired and I’m sure you didn’t mean what you said for a minute. The best thing you could do now, as others have said, would be to apologise and admit to your daughter that you lost your temper and of course you didn’t mean what you said and how you regret saying it at the spur of the moment. Also, if you can get to see your GD apologise to her and tell her how much you love her. If you can’t get to see them face to face perhaps write each of them a letter. I’m sure it will all blow over soon if you do that.
Good luck.

No, I think the answers on here should give you pause for thought.

Perhaps you are doing too much for your family and getting stressed.

Did your mother calling you a horrible child leave you with doubts about yourself as a person? It was very unkind and undermining.

Now you are doing the same to your grandchild.

Time to take a step back and have a rethink.

It's a wind up.

Well it seems nobody has understood my plea for help
Never mind
I will not apologise to a 5 year old who doesn’t accept authority
She has been badly brought up and that’s the end of that
I fear my Dd will regret her soft parent approach in years to come
Children should be obedient
So I won’t thank u for your help
Once more , this forum disappoints

Your daughter was very wrong just not turning up without an explanation after you had done her a favour by babysitting the night before.
However, your tolerance of the child’s behaviour is very low. Are you seeing too much of the family? Planning to see your daughter immediately after babysitting seems to me a bit like overkill. Are you living too much in each other’s pockets? I would leave her to get on with her life and you get on with yours with much less contact. The present situation clearly does not work.

Notjustaprettyface

So was I sago and I got over it
Like she will …
It’s not the end of the world

So was I sago and I got over it

Obviously you didn't get over it because you are repeating learned behaviour.

You are the adult here, children can be difficult and their behaviour can be challenging but telling a five year old that she is a horrible little girl is not the best way to deal with it.

I don’t blame your daughter tbh. Your behaviour towards your granddaughter was pretty horrible. Your granddaughter won’t forget that.

There is a world of difference between calling out a child’s horrible behaviour, and calling a child a horrible person.

It sounds like babysitting has become far too much for you and it's best that you step away.

You claim that your dd is not the adult yet you were the one that ended up losing control and making nasty comments to a 5 year old.

Your DD is of course horrified with your behaviour.

You are the adult, your gd is a 5 year old child.

If you cannot handle babysitting, say no

There is a difference between a child being horrible, and acting horribly.

When you get the chance, I would apologize to both the child and your daughter, but with a firm talk to both about behaviour.

I have had a few instances of grandchildren acting horribly, but I never insulted them personally.

Seems like the only way to get through this deep rift (or to stop it from.getting worse) is to apologise to your DD and take responsibility for what you said. It sounds as though you dont regret what you said. Yes -you were tired, you are only human, it isnt the end of the world. But it is on you to make things right, if that is what you want to do. It's your choice. My advice, deal with this sooner than later, own it and ask both DD and GD to accept your sincere apology. X

Notjustaprettyface

So was I sago and I got over it
Like she will …
It’s not the end of the world

Ah!

I have just read back and seen this post.

I have no words.

Get some counselling before you look after children again.

Notjustaprettyface

I think you have a lot on your plate, you mention in previous posts your husband who is in a home and there are a lot of threads about you GC and the care you are giving.

You came across as being very stressed.

Perhaps you shouldn’t be offering so much of your time.

Don't confuse the horrible behavior with the beautiful child. There are non-abusive, loving methods to coerce a child into compliance that do not involve the gran acting like a cranky child.

Perhaps your child shouldn t be horrid