Deep rift with my DD over grandchildren s behaviour

Denise7125

Sounds like you love your grandchildren bunt caring for 3 of them at once and having to do the bedtime routine alone, was too much and I understand that. You asked for help and you’ve received it with suggestions of how to resolve the issues with your daughter and grandchild but unfortunately it seems that the help received isn’t what you wanted to hear. It’s hard to be receptive to well meant advice when you still feel upset and aggrieved so maybe give them a wide berth for a while, send a card explaining that you found it too much and need to time to reflect and you’ll be in touch soon. Then spend some time looking after yourself. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress in your life and if you don’t take care of you there will be health consequences. I hope you are able to resolve things and improve your relationship with your little grandchild.

Agreed!
I hope so too!

TheSunRisesInTheEast

The OP has taken a lot of flack here. It must be wonderful to have children/grandchildren who always do as they're told, play nicely with their siblings, eat all their greens and go to bed willingly and calmly, then drift off to sleep 😴. I have two delightful granddaughters, I look after them a lot, and they certainly test me sometimes. I have two sons, and growing up I just had to glare at them to stop any bad behaviour and they were very well behaved. My granddaughters aren't quite as easy, they dismiss my glare and carry on misbehaving, sometimes I am at the end of my tether with them. Yes, parenting and grandparenting can be a challenge. OP had had enough of her granddaughter's defiance that night, it was late and OP was tired, even if the little girl wasn't. I've been there, done that (at least the other two children went to sleep ok.) In those circumstances, rather than getting myself all hot and bothered about it, I'd have let the girl cuddle up beside me on the couch with a blanket and teddy, and let her gently fall asleep in her own time, then daughter or son-in-law could carry her up to bed when they got home. I think the daughter should have apologised to her mum for having to put up with the girl's behaviour, and thanked her for babysitting. The little girl would get a cuddle from me the next day and be told "sorry I called you a horrible girl, but you must go to bed on time and not make nanny upset and angry, I really love you, can we be friends?" That way, all should be forgiven. We all learn by our mistakes, don't hold a grudge with your daughter, OP, be the bigger person, make contact and get back to being a dear nanny to these children. You have a lot on your plate with your husband being in the care home, it can't be easy trying to be all over the place giving everyone your time. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it 💐

I find this to be a very thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate response.

Sounds like you love your grandchildren bunt caring for 3 of them at once and having to do the bedtime routine alone, was too much and I understand that. You asked for help and you’ve received it with suggestions of how to resolve the issues with your daughter and grandchild but unfortunately it seems that the help received isn’t what you wanted to hear. It’s hard to be receptive to well meant advice when you still feel upset and aggrieved so maybe give them a wide berth for a while, send a card explaining that you found it too much and need to time to reflect and you’ll be in touch soon. Then spend some time looking after yourself. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress in your life and if you don’t take care of you there will be health consequences. I hope you are able to resolve things and improve your relationship with your little grandchild.

Exactly, the child would have been made to apologise for upsetting the gran (rightly so) but not the Gran upsetting the child?

Do as I say, not as I do and all that.

That’s the ironic thing. The same adults defending this grown woman’s tantrum would have expected the child to apologize if she called her gran out of her name.

OP can choose not to apologize but she needs to get over the fact that her daughter won’t want to spend much time around her if she doesn’t. Can’t have it both ways. If an apology is the hill to die on, expect the relationship to follow suit. Being “wrong and strong” is foolish.

She hasn't apologised so they can't put it to bed.
Overtired 5 year olds are feral, overtired adults have had years to regulate their emotions and should know that calling a child 'horrible' or whatever it was, isn't ok.

Just say 'sorry, I shouldn't have said that etc etc'
There's no need for it to get as far as it has done done.

If the child had called the Gran horrible would she be made to apologise?

There’s a huge difference between having a moment of weakness in the heat of the conflict and doubling down on your childish, awful reaction days later.

Why do you think your daughter values spending time with you over her child’s self-esteem? There is no way on Earth my parents or anyone else could name-call my 5 year old and expect me to just accept it. It’s important for parents to protect their children, even from grandparents. Your relationship with your daughter comes after her duty to her children. You are a mother; you should comprehend that better.

Not everyone is capable of dealing with over-tired, challenging young children in their later years. No shame in getting older and not having much patience for tantrums at 10pm. I don’t myself, which is why I would simply decline babysitting at hours I cannot tolerate. You’re an adult throwing a tantrum same as the children, except you have no self-reflection. You can’t even control your anger on this thread, so I can imagine your behaviour in person while frustrated.

Apologize to your grandchild and daughter. Accept that you have limits; there’s nothing wrong with that. She will need to find alternative childcare. Not the end of the world for anyone involved and frankly it’s really the best way forward.

Don’t put your ego before your family.

Some days later, has the problem been resolved?
Hope so.

I meant to add, don't be so rude and bad mannered.

PoppyBlue

Granddaughter was overtired by 10pm and was acting up.
Gran was overtired by 10pm and acting up.

Gran is the adult and the child is 5. Just say sorry and put it to bed. We are all human.

That just about sums it up except that daughter then exacerbated it by behaving badly!

What's the problem wellbeck?

rafichagran

This thread is getting stupid, I disagree with worried well on the use of the words horrid child, but indicating she is a reform voter and bringing in anyones politics is wrong.
I think this thread is getting unpleasant.

Yes personal attacks aren't necessary are they.

Or gotten ?

Getting ??

This thread is getting stupid, I disagree with worried well on the use of the words horrid child, but indicating she is a reform voter and bringing in anyones politics is wrong.
I think this thread is getting unpleasant.

Granatlast you can't hear me but I'm laughing at you. Labour voter allowance my life. DH would be horrified if he thought I was voting Reform given their attitude to immigrants, him being one of the commonwealth black people who arrived here in 1948. You are hilarious.

Forget it, a fuss about nothing. Gran called grandchild a horrible girl, child in turn told her Mother, who totally overreacted and blamed her Mother, instead of looking at her own parenting. This child could not wait to tell her Mother so Gran got in trouble.
I looked after my Grandson a few years ago he was 6, He jumped out at me and make me jump, I said "you little bugger". Soon as my daughter came in, he run to his Mother, first thing out of his mouth was "Gran called me a bugger", his face was bright pink, he was smiling and was able to say a mild swear word without getting into trouble. I explained what happened and my daughter laughed when he left the room. This little girl knew exactly what she was doing and has probably heard the Mother bad mouthing the Gran.
I would not babysit anymore until the daughter changed her attitude.

Granddaughter was overtired by 10pm and was acting up.
Gran was overtired by 10pm and acting up.

Gran is the adult and the child is 5. Just say sorry and put it to bed. We are all human.

theworriedwell

Granatlast007

No, I mean being incredibly judgmental about someone else's comment, who do you think you are exactly to first of all, tear the OP apart and then to get in a lather about use of the word brat.
It's a bit of slang, sorry if you live in such a delicate, 'naice' world but you can't control other people's language or usage just because it doesn't fit your superior world view.
I feel really sorry for the OP and the aggressive responses she has had to a difficult situation.
BRAT dictionary definition
in British English
(bræt IPA Pronunciation Guide )
noun
1. a child, esp one who is ill-mannered or unruly: used contemptuously or playfully
adjective
2. informal
characterized by a confident, independent, and hedonistic attitude
Collins English Dictionary. Copyright © HarperCollins Publishers
Word origin
C16: perhaps special use of earlier brat rag, from Old English bratt cloak, of Celtic origin; related to Old Irish bratt cloth, brat2

Yes I'm judgemental about people who call five year olds brats. Not something I'm ashamed.

You're pretty judgemental yourself aren't you.

I call snobs out if that's what you mean and narrow minded people with no compassion, goodness me, a Tory turn Reform UK voter with a concierge mentality, what a lot of you there are about these days.

I would approach your daughter and tick her off for not turning up today. I wouldn't apologise to anyone for last night's problem ...but I would say to your daughter that you regret using the word 'horrible' and that you should have said 'naughty'. You were doing your daughter a favour and she should have told her children to be behave for Granny. This 'children rule' idea is ridiculous and parents are storing up trouble for themselves in the future.
Ignore the trolls my dear, they're all sitting around waiting to pounce on vulnerable souls like you. Everyone makes heat-of-the-moment mistakes parenting or grandparenting, they're not hanging offences!
If your daughter doesn't respond kindly to your outreach, let her stew. Sounds to me like you're a great help to her.

Granatlast007

No, I mean being incredibly judgmental about someone else's comment, who do you think you are exactly to first of all, tear the OP apart and then to get in a lather about use of the word brat.
It's a bit of slang, sorry if you live in such a delicate, 'naice' world but you can't control other people's language or usage just because it doesn't fit your superior world view.
I feel really sorry for the OP and the aggressive responses she has had to a difficult situation.
BRAT dictionary definition
in British English
(bræt IPA Pronunciation Guide )
noun
1. a child, esp one who is ill-mannered or unruly: used contemptuously or playfully
adjective
2. informal
characterized by a confident, independent, and hedonistic attitude
Collins English Dictionary. Copyright © HarperCollins Publishers
Word origin
C16: perhaps special use of earlier brat rag, from Old English bratt cloak, of Celtic origin; related to Old Irish bratt cloth, brat2

Yes I'm judgemental about people who call five year olds brats. Not something I'm ashamed.

You're pretty judgemental yourself aren't you.

No, I mean being incredibly judgmental about someone else's comment, who do you think you are exactly to first of all, tear the OP apart and then to get in a lather about use of the word brat.
It's a bit of slang, sorry if you live in such a delicate, 'naice' world but you can't control other people's language or usage just because it doesn't fit your superior world view.
I feel really sorry for the OP and the aggressive responses she has had to a difficult situation.
BRAT dictionary definition
in British English
(bræt IPA Pronunciation Guide )
noun
1. a child, esp one who is ill-mannered or unruly: used contemptuously or playfully
adjective
2. informal
characterized by a confident, independent, and hedonistic attitude
Collins English Dictionary. Copyright © HarperCollins Publishers
Word origin
C16: perhaps special use of earlier brat rag, from Old English bratt cloak, of Celtic origin; related to Old Irish bratt cloth, brat2

Granatlast007

Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Go To (My Lovely) lyrics | Musixmatch share.google/YgKYwmZ9hy4r0ZloZ

A song about people pretending to be better than they are, so high and mighty and sure of themselves, the sort who call out 'bring back hanging' but quietly murder in words and deeds.

Murder with words? You mean like calling a five year old child s horrible little girl.

I think my point has been missed!

As a teacher it would be expected that OP was able to discipline her grandchildren and not to have to resort to calling the poor girl horrible.

Peter Sarstedt - Where Do You Go To (My Lovely) lyrics | Musixmatch share.google/YgKYwmZ9hy4r0ZloZ

A song about people pretending to be better than they are, so high and mighty and sure of themselves, the sort who call out 'bring back hanging' but quietly murder in words and deeds.