Difficult dil

CrazyH

why would you say that? If my mom said that about one of my exes in front of my husband, I would be mortified and that would require a conversation. And if my mother-in-law said that about my husband’s ex-wife, I would not be happy.

Why no comments from the poster?

Hithere

Please do not insult people who is in the spectrum - they do not lack intelligence

This is simple

Do not make comments on the parenting unless requested
If your son and dil dress their kid in cloths you do not like, say nothing
Do not invest insane amounts of money on vacations and expect gratitude when you know you already know you have a bad relationship
Talk to your son you raised and stop giving the evil eye to the dil.
He is adult enough to advocate for himself if he wants to

This is very sensible. It is difficult for anyone to see herself as others see her but trying to do so is often a good thing to do a bit of self examination. Maybe try and look at things through her eyes if you can. If you've already criticised her parenting then that is a hard thing to get beyond, it will be difficult for her to trust you going forward, and remember it's not just what you say that can be a criticism. If things are not harmful, then let it be, As grans, we have had our time as parents making our choices for what we do with our children.
You criticised her and your son for making a big thing about minor things that they are pleased about. It probably comes across as you're not interested in them. What seems a minor thing to you might for whatever reason, be a big thing to them. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? It doesn't sound as if you like her, so why do you keep going on holiday with her and the others. What do you get out of it and what do they get out of it, is it what they want? Joint holidays can go very well or they can be a disaster. The times I went away with the in-laws were really difficult, they weren't paying at all, it was meeting up there. They were pretty selfish and only wanted to do what they wanted to do. They could have been happy times but that doesn't work if they behave like that.
Only you can decide what to do with regard to the holidays, some reflection as mentioned above might be worth doing

Further to my earlier post, my 2 of my DIL's are autistic (as are their children) including the one I was talking about. Neurodiversity does require more understanding particularly as it can look as if a person is awkward, lacking empathy, being more expressionless, takes things more personally, etc.
You can't change your DIL anymore than she can change herself, but you can change the way you react. Try not to take things personally, take the boasting with a pinch of salt and just enjoy the time you have with your grandchildren.
As for your son, you've obviously managed to work out to respond to him without there being a big argument but have some empathy with him too. He is trying to be supportive to a wife who sees the world differently. You only have to do this on the days they visit; he has to do it all the time. It can be a very lonely place.

Valdavi, it's a perfectly good suggestion!
Why take the time to criticise my suggestion instead of offering advice to the op??

Stop taking them on holiday for starters.

I do feel for you as i too have some problems with DS and his wife, sadly it seems to be a common thing these days . And I see a very selfish generation with little respect !
But I bite my lip as I don't want an altercation as ive known many a grandparent speak out and the next thing is they are not allowed to see/visit their GC, which in my opinion is deplorable!
I adore my grandchildren so I just keep quiet and focus on them only by taking them out for days and child minding when they need me.
I also agree that you need to stop paying out for their holidays, when they show no appreciation and please try and not to advise on the care of their kiddies.
Its all so hard, I know, but I personally I wouldn't cause any disagreement with them as I dont want to lose my dear grandchildren.
Hugs 💐

Your daughter in law sounds unpleasant, for whatever reasons ( could be anything - insecurity, personality disorder or you just don't gel together.)

Your son sounds like wet plankton.

Stop the holidays with immediate effect. Don't go overboard to explain, just say finances are a bit tight this year etc.

Invite them all round but if the opportunity to see the grandkids on their own arises then take it.

MarieElla

Spend thousands on taking them on holiday is what is making you resent them...
Why not just offer to take rhe children on holiday to give them a break?

oh I can see that going down well (not),

I fail to see why you and husband do not have a lovely holiday together. Let them make their own holiday plans or not. Do not visit if you're not made welcome. Perhaps you could have children for a day or a sleep overs. If not you have each other.

You know she's Autistic from your post in 2025, please educate yourself as there's a chance your grandchild could be autistic.

People who are, sorry

Please do not insult people who is in the spectrum - they do not lack intelligence

This is simple

Do not make comments on the parenting unless requested
If your son and dil dress their kid in cloths you do not like, say nothing
Do not invest insane amounts of money on vacations and expect gratitude when you know you already know you have a bad relationship
Talk to your son you raised and stop giving the evil eye to the dil.
He is adult enough to advocate for himself if he wants to

*Madgran77

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!*

This will work for your son who is says unkind things, doesn't ask about you or your hobbies.

But your Autistic DIL may not grasp it. You could overwhelm her and not understand what's happening.

Do her family also spend huge amounts of money on holidays? She might feel there is some sort of competition between you and her parents. I would stop paying for their holidays and depending on the ages of your granddaughters, you could spend the money taking them on days out. If your dil has learned this behaviour from her parents, she is unlikely to change. Norah makes a good point about looking to your son.

Perhaps look to your son, the child you raised.

Blameshifting dil for all problems is daft, imo.

Madgran77

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!

Brilliant response Madgran, not just for family situations but generally for rude people, and we have our share of those as we grow older & more invisible.

If she's Autistic She has always been like this and her family seem to let her get away with it. It's not that's she's getting away with it, it's how she is.

Some Autistic people are blunt and black and white, she may be able not be able to read the room and struggles socially. She may like to do things by the book and follow instructions, especially regarding the blanket. She may get overwhelmed with you and dissociate or shut down. Their brains are wired differently to neurotypical people.

What's your son's excuse?

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1351761-Baby-blanket

Is this the same dil you are having issues with now?

My DIL has a funny 5 minutes every so often and I keep quiet until she recovers her good humour but I would not criticise her parenting because it is sure to get her back up. I have only once got cross about any issues regarding my Grandson and that is when he was in pain but she was resistant to do anything about it. In the end, I took my son to one side and told him that what 'they' were doing was tantamount to abuse and if they wanted me to keep caring for him, they needed to sort it out because I was nearly as distressed as their child. I left my son to square it with his wife and hey ho, it was sorted.
My son is very patient with his wife's funny little ways but on the few occasions when she has been sad with me, he gives her time to come round before he encourages her to move on but he won't stop seeing me or stop me seeing my grandchild. However, I make it a thing never to criticise his wife and try to keep my mouth shut even when they were going through a marital crisis where I thought my son was being unfairly treated.
At the end of the day, your DIL doesn't have to like you and you don't have to like her. Just be pleasant to her so you don't give her an excuse to take umbrage.

God forbid that I ever make any comments about the care of my granddaughters. Well done, comments on care of GC are unacceptable.

My daughter-in-law, particularly is sullen and passive aggressive and sometimes barely speaks to me. She is very boastful. She thinks she knows everything about everything and is often wrong, but I would never dare to say anything. Good reaction.

I really struggle spending time in her company, but if I want to see my GC I have to put up with it. The negative energy is awful to be around. Choices.

We spend thousands of pounds taking them all on holiday each year and my husband and are feeling very used. They never ask anything about us and have no interest in our hobbies or jobs or life. Conversation always has to be all about them. Stop wasting your holiday time and money

I think your problem is with your DS as well as your DIL. Your DS says something unpleasant and in your mind you've decided that it's your DIL's fault?!
If I was your DIL I wouldn't like you making comments about the care of my children. Basically, unless harm is being done then it's none of your business, their child their rules.
If you feel so uncomfortable in their company then why keep paying for their holidays, they probably feel the unpleasant atmosphere as much as you.
If you actually want to improve matters then maybe try some very calm, straight talking without casting any blame and expressing hope that you might all get on better together in the future as things seem quite fraught lately.

I think if paying for the holiday means you have some lovely quality time with your grandchildren then do it for that reason.
My guess is if you say one wrong thing to her you will be ousted. And she’ll try to take your son with her.
Think about what you want.
To keep in contact. Or to confront her/them and potentially be excluded from the family. She is almost waiting for you to put a foot wrong then she’ll pounce.
Too many people on here are telling you to stop paying and to give her a piece of your mind. You can. But you’ll be the loser.
Good luck.

Sorry to hear of this situation. It seems to me the DiL is possibly coercive to your son, rather than just wearing the trousers. I would be aware that he may be having a hard time of it, which is why he's like he is at the moment, especially if this behaviour wasn't the norm before he got with her. Is there anyone that he could talk to/confide in. He may be trapped and need help.
As for making comments about caregiving, I'm sure you just don't bother now as presumably she has cut you down quick in the past. However that would bug me and I would say something if I thought it would help a situation, but add "just from experience (in a lighthearted carefree way) but obviously you do what you thinks best". One day she might actually agree, even if she doesn't say so at the time and wouldn't admit it anyway. Just be ready to ignore her looks of disagreement or comments and change the subject quickly/ walk away to the loo, kitchen, garden etc - so making no big deal of it : she shouldn't be intimidating you, be strong. She may back down if you show resilience.
Regarding the freebies as others have said if its not enjoyable for you, you could just say to them (when together) that your holidaying alone this year - to allow them to sort there own holiday, as you want them to have some personal space to enjoy the time as a family - but only once you are comfortable with how you son is in the relationship and he's genuinely happy with her. Could your husband go out alone with him for man time together and see if he opens up a bit more when DiL isn't there.
Offer to baby sit for a couple of evenings once a month e.g. saying you'd love to and how it gives them a chance to have some quality time together, but only if they want you to. Don't put any pressure on them and again make it lighthearted and carefree so as it doesn't seem desperate. Most parents of young children would jump at the offer.
Just my thoughts, hope things improve for you all.

How awful, Why do you payfor a holiday for them? Let them pay for their own holiday and if they can't afford it they can stay home. Sounds a terrible situation