Difficult dil

I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way!
My advice????……..let them pay for their own holidays. They are using you and financially abusing you. Whilst ever you keep bank rolling them they will not show you any respect whatsoever.
As for the hurtful comments in their company…….find your voice and use it, the next time DS says anything nasty confront him and tell him in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t brought up to speak to people that way so why now?! Call him and her out or else forever get treated so disgracefully.

MirandaIV I have to tread on eggshells around my son and daughter-in-law. God forbid that I ever make any comments about the care of my granddaughters

It’s really not your place to comment on their care. One of the first rules of grandparenting. Don’t offer advice on parenting unless it’s requested.

I’ve got one of those - recently, there was another thread re ‘treading on eggshells’ - and my story is there. I just happened to mention how nice one of my son’s ex gf was. Tactless perhaps, but it was the truth. Now I’m out in the cold. Even my son is not talking to me. So be it.

Why spend all that money on them aanyway? Are they too poor to pay for their own holidays or are you trying to buy your DiL's approval?

Well I definitely wouldn’t take them on holiday if your dil is that unpleasant . A holiday is to relax and not to be worried about upsetting people.
As for your dil and ds remarks, they need to be called out on this . They need reminding that if you can’t say anything nice , don’t say anything at all .
And you’re right not to comment on your dil parenting . Even if you disagree and know she’s wrong .
This seems to be a common issue on here .

Stop taking them on holiday. And try to choose a time to see your GCs eve your DiL could be otherwise engaged, suggest to your son that you want to help with the GCs whilst DiL isn’t there, to give him a hand, and if she is there just zone out and enjoy being with your GCs, suggest taking them out somewhere without the parents, to the park etc. to help.
All the best.

Sounds like a Son problem as much as it's a DIL problem. Your son should be your focus, not your DIL.

I'd stop paying for them to go on holiday if you're feeling taken for granted.

Second sentence ‘when’ not ‘eve’

Any advice? yes, respect the position if not the personality.
your dil is on Mumsnet atm with the other side to this tale

Best reply to rudeness is:

Nothing said just a very straight look and raised eyebrows. Then turn away or walk out of room, returning a few minutes later. If asked about this just say " I assumed you didnt mean to be as rude/hurtful/unkind to me as you were so I just left for a few minutes to stop me saying something I would regret" If it starts again ..repeat whole process etc etc. If challenged just say "Its the best way I find for me to deal with such rudeness/ hurtful/ unkindness" etc.If told you are "too sensitive" or similar say "I don't agree but either way I find this is the best way to ...."

I can assure you this definitely takes the wind out unkind people's sails, if you manage to be consistent!

Don't make comments on parenting - it is always a bad move unless you are asked for advice

Your son is responsible for his own behaviour - stop blaming your DIL for your Ds's actions.

Stop funding their holidays

Out of interesting - what are they "boasting" about?

Do they have achievements that they are proud about that you disapprove of?

My advice is (1) stop commenting on the care of their children (2) stop paying for holidays - it’s causing you to feel resentful and that’s not a great feeling (3) consider if you want things to be better with your dil and the answer is yes, talk to her about how you feel but dont be critical and let her know you’d like things to improve and ask her how she feels that could happen and then try and work with her. If you don’t want to do any of those things, step back and visit when you know your dil won’t be home.

Stop paying for their holidays....you are being used as a cash cow

Don't pay out for holidays or anything else Miranda and when your d.i.l. or son is rude, call them out. I'm sorry but for your son to be mean to you in front of his wife and then sincerely apologise when she's not around is pathetic and he needs to man up.

I think a more appropriate title for your thread would be 'Difficult son and d.i.l.'.

Oh MirandalV, my condolences, my dear daughter in law is very similar!
She's arrogant, rude, big-headed & those are just her good points!
I have mini-panic attacks before she graces us with her presence & sometimes I just pretend to be very, very busy & leave her in the company of DH. (Poor man!)

I’m old, long divorced and all parents and former in-laws long gone.

I would never have accepted either parents or in-laws paying for my family’s holiday.

twiglet77

I’m old, long divorced and all parents and former in-laws long gone.

I would never have accepted either parents or in-laws paying for my family’s holiday.

Why? Are you too proud? My mum still pays for me and dp to go away every year and I'm 61 ...i do lots for her...it makes her happy ..........I paid for my DD and 2 GD for their flights to Oz to a family wedding...if o hasn't paid they couldn't have come...ridiculous to be so proud that your kids miss out

Take the hardly speaking to you as a plus because it relives you of the burden of making conversation and concentrate your time and energy in spending that time with the grandchildren, enjoying being with them.

Smile and say “lovely” or similar to anything they boast about.

Never offer advice or opinion on their parenting. That will make even the nicest of people cross and sullen.

Stop taking them on holiday.

Yes, stop paying for their holidays with you. Maybe they don’t actually want to holiday with you.

Why would you want to comment on your DGD’s care?

Just back off, maybe your DiL just doesn’t enjoy spending time with you?

Oh! Cossy, a little bit harsh but out of the mouths of Gran's, maybe? 😉

What cossy said

The son is failing everybody here