Enslaved grandparent syndrome

I feel that DD has never forgiven me (and late DH) for not moving 500 miles to be available to look after the GC when they were little. She really wanted to be a SAHM but felt pressured to go back to her career. The other GPs are in a Euopean country and stopped travelling some years ago.
In fact, we used to spend many weeks during the year covering school holidays. DD wouldn't let us have the GC come to our home because she wanted as much time with them as possible. They're 22 and 19 now, affectionate towards me.
I don't feel guilty. It was just as important to me that we maintained a relationship with DS and DiL who live 70 miles away, have no children and both travel worldwide for her family and their careers.

Well I am not a veteran here but have read several threads already started by grandparents utterly exhausted by childcare, often with ill health, but loathed to say no because they’re adult children might get funny about it.
We cared for our GCs until my DH had a stroke, but still from time to time we or rather I can do it. But it was really tiring, and now that my DH is too disabled to travel anymore or do the things we once enjoyed I do occasionally feel that the years we spent childminding - when even holidays were with our DDs looking after the little ones, could have been spent doing things together, with less childcare and more time for ourselves. Could be selfish for saying that but now have swapped caring for the GCs for caring for my DH. And none of us know what is round the corner so maybe we need to think of ourselves a bit more.

*their not they’re

Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion

I agree fancythat & using it in that context belittles the experience of those who really are enslaved.

But it was Spanish psychologists who coined the term, so perhaps something got lost in translation & the original word didn’t carry quite the same meaning as the English one.

Some grandparents have a choice between looking after their GC and not seeing their GC, as the relationship with their Mum & Dad is a bit shaky and refusing to take on childcare can lead to estrangement & not seeing them.
For the minority in that position OK it's nominally a choice, but not a free choice.
In those cases Enslavement Syndrome isn't totally OTT.

I've always known that syndrome as parents who make a rod for their own back.

Apparently some parents extend it to their grandparenting.

I have read, on GN, some sad stories of grandparents expected to do far too much by their entitled offspring, sometimes with a veiled threat of estrangement if demands are not met.
However, I suspect that this is quite rare, and most of us give our time willingly, and are appreciated for it.
This is certainly the case for me. One factor, of course, is the age of the grandparent.
I am in my mid seventies and my youngest GC is a few weeks old. Clearly, there will be limitations on what I can do for him as he grows.
I am aware that there are people here who were much younger than I when they were involved with babies and small children.

janeainsworth

^Totally wrong word used in the op, in my opinion^

I agree fancythat & using it in that context belittles the experience of those who really are enslaved.

But it was Spanish psychologists who coined the term, so perhaps something got lost in translation & the original word didn’t carry quite the same meaning as the English one.

The Spanish have the same history in the slave trade as we have, perhaps more so and before that their coastal areas were always at risk of Berber (arab) pirates ading and taking people into slavery.

I think sometimes a shock word helps people sit up and think about exactly the position they are in.

Nannee49

I'm lucky enough to have been highly involved in my grandchild's life and have loved it. It's probably easier because I only have the one but it's been lovely to have been such an integral part of their life.

All changed now University beckons & I will miss it.

Same here. Those years were some of the best of my life.

As others have said Luckygirl it isn't much of a choice is it, if saying 'no' means you risk being estranged by your AC and from your GC.

Luckygirl3

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

We had no choice in the matter.

...all things being equal "No" is an option but sometimes it really isn't (unless you can tolerate unspeakable consequences).

NotSpaghetti

...all things being equal "No" is an option but sometimes it really isn't (unless you can tolerate unspeakable consequences).

Exactly. And in our case, it wasn't. Prior to that, we'd been more than happy to look after our GS from time to time, in the same way that I think most grandparents would. But to be plunged from that into him living with us full time was not something we could have foreseen. It's a different kettle of fish altogether when it's not something you volunteered for.

Smileless2012

As others have said Luckygirl it isn't much of a choice is it, if saying 'no' means you risk being estranged by your AC and from your GC.

Well said.

One of my friends is seriously ill and can't get a diagnosis.
Sally has had to retire early.
She doesn't have grandchildren yet ,but what she has is an extremely demanding son .
I think that Sally is actually scared of him .
I could be wrong of course ,but it has begun to worry me .

If you are not able to do it then children should understand. I did lots but it was because I offered.
Families and careers should not be planned on the basis that GPs will become the default carers.
I am sorry that not being able to offer has caused estrangements. I, and all my friends, had no family care at all and simply did not expect it.
It us not acceptable that this should be expected.

I've seen a variety of responses on this subject on GsNet and have often been astonished by the monstrous selfishness and unpleasantness of people who have chosen to have children towards their own parents , who they are supposed to love. The reason being that insufficient "grandparenting" services are not being provided or not being provided in the precise way that the children's parents wished or expected.Voluntarily doing whatever you wish( or whatever the parents will allow(sic)) for your grandchildren is one thing.Blackmail on pain of your children estranging you is another. Beggars belief , some of it.

TerriBull

I do think financial necessity has taken the choice away from many to be a SAHM. When my children were at school in the nineties and noughties, many of us were especially for the early years. Then the after school clubs weren't such a thing as they are now. Now it's so noticeable passing any junior school after 3.30 parents will be intermittently picking up their offspring up to 6ish.

I think it depends what you class as financial ‘necessity’. We did one sleepover a week with our middle grandchildren and dropped them off at school, and that was quite sufficient for me!
Working in Early Years, I saw many elderly grandparents looking after children, and must say that some of them were so knackered they were really only fit for seeing that the child was fed and came to no harm, though often they were only too happy to tell us what a wonderful job/ home/ car/ holiday etc their children had, and I’m sure those children would say they worked out of ‘financial necessity’!
I know the mothers of today are entitled to a career should they choose, but one of my (many) hobby horses is that the role of a parent in the home is terribly undervalued.

Luckygirl3

In this case enslavement is a choice because we are all capable of saying no.

I agree. I offered to be back up (emergencies, needs) and that suited all of us well. I did not choose to be enslaved by my children and theirs.

Absolutely.
Agree.

I think sometimes a shock word helps people sit up and think about exactly the position they are in.

I dont. I think it is the opposite.

It downgrades and diminshes what some people who are really enslaved, suffer.

I know the mothers of today are entitled to a career should they choose, but one of my (many) hobby horses is that the role of a parent in the home is terribly undervalued.

I agree. I do not think it matters which parent it is as long as whoever is at home keeping things afloat at that end and caring for children is valued for the hard work that they do.

I am hoping that the AC who estrange their own parents for providing insufficient child care are very much in the minority. I certainly know of no-one in real life who is in that situation. It is an appalling way for those AC to behave.

I am lucky that my AC expected nothing from me as regards child care but were grateful when I offered, and were aware of my needs too and always fitted around these.

Esmay

One of my friends is seriously ill and can't get a diagnosis.
Sally has had to retire early.
She doesn't have grandchildren yet ,but what she has is an extremely demanding son .
I think that Sally is actually scared of him .
I could be wrong of course ,but it has begun to worry me .

If so it would be elder abuse, and is a crime. It is always worth talking to Age UK about the issue.

It might be worth talking to your friend, but approach the subject carefully. The problem, in my experience is that so often the person being abused by a son or daughter do not want to admit to themselves, let alone anyone else and theywill defend, deny, justify the most appalling treatment rather than admit that they are being abused by their grown child.

I was involved in a case when I worked for Age Concern (as was). The family were known to the police and social services as well as us, but even when acts of violence had been seen by outsiders the parents would not give statements or do anything to incriminate their son. They just told me that they thought he would benefit from counselling!!!!!

MOnica -it's a very tricky situation .
I don't know her that well .
I don't even have her address only her phone number..
Talking to her is exhausting,because she's so confused .
I suspect dementia.
I only know what I witnessed and it rang alarm bells.
She has friends from school and I think that they are more aware of her situation than I am.
Last time,I became involved in a similar situation-it blew up in my face .
About two decades ago ,I made friends with a lady .
She told me that her husband was an abusive , unfaithful drunk .
I met him -a grotesquely overweight man with appalling manners .
She was tiny ,fragile and seemed traumatised .
Within a few weeks-she inflicted the most appalling verbal assaults on me .
I think that there were six in a six month period and finally she physically assaulted me .
I walked away .
She ,then began to stalk me even to my father's house and began to phone me at his home . The number was ex -directory.
It took me a very long time to make her understand that our relationship had finished .
I don't want to go down that road again.
So this time I shall be more cautious .

Grandparent enslavement in our case led to burn out. Up at 5am to be there by 6am.

Housework in the morning and school lunches to be made.
Afternoon run and minding with more housework . Parents home at 9pm.

Dont mention school holidays.
We felt our role as grandparents was hijacked.
We tried to get other grandparents to help but that didnt work

It was all very sad when we had to stop. Caused a huge rift which is still painful.

Parents worked hard I know and we did what we could but age and exhaustion got the better of us.