Enslaved grandparent syndrome

Different cultures have different ideas , I remember a woman who had just given birth seemed very disinterested in her tiny baby , the rest of us were peeping in to the cot to watch ours ,
When baby woke she rang the bell and asked the nurse to take her baby out of the ward
We were amazed when she said it was her second child , her Mother was raising it and this one was to be raised by her Mother in law , she was going straight back to work

I only wish I had grandchildren, 71 and still waiting ☹️

MissAdventure

It depends on the family dynamics, I guess.
Some people seem to have never said the word No to their offspring.

Interesting thinking to those children being raised up.

Ours certainly heard and understand NO.

NotSpaghetti

I think, MawsRosie that all of us love playing an active part in our grandchildren’s lives - what people DON'T love is the involvement to the point of exclusion of everything else under threat of having nothing at all.

The "put upon" and the "estranged" could be one and the same - that is a real fear for some

That's it in a nutshell. We still have our GS at least once a week - but it's a very different scenario when you are doing it through choice, and not through necessity. And no, joanorarc99, sometimes you really don't have a choice. We certainly didn't, as I think I made clear from previous posts.

When my first was born, 1987, my mum was 48 years old and worked full time. Two more followed 1990 and 1994.

It was never an expectation that mum would provide childcare at all. Don't get me wrong, they all got Nanny time, which she and they enjoyed greatly.

She and my Stepdad had a caravan near the beach that they would go to almost every weekend. 9 times out of 10 they were accompanied by two Grandchildren. My Step sister had a son so it was always split evenly.

I am 67 and still work part time, but even my offspring know that I would willingly look after any Grandchildren occassionally but not full time. Not sure I would have the patience now anyway.

“Emotive language - perhaps aggravated by translation?
I find it unnecessarily sensationalist.

It depends on the family dynamics, I guess.
Some people seem to have never said the word No to their offspring.

If I didn't want to look after my grandchildren I'd just say no...even under threat of estrangement...I won't be bullied by anyone, even ny own offspring!
I loved the time I spent with my own grandparents, such a close bond. I want that with my grandchildren too if possible. I love looking after them. Of course so far luckily I'm fit enough to do so. If that was to change and I felt it exhausting I would reduce or stop . And of course if anyone does it but they feel resentment as it's too much or they don't particularly like it , that's another reason to stop and use the time to do something you prefer.
Definitely not enslavement you do have a choice !

I think, MawsRosie that all of us love playing an active part in our grandchildren’s lives - what people DON'T love is the involvement to the point of exclusion of everything else under threat of having nothing at all.

The "put upon" and the "estranged" could be one and the same - that is a real fear for some

We do childcare for our two granddaughters by looking after them every Monday and by doing any picking up from nursery they might need in the week. The Mondays are exhausting but lovely and it has got slightly easier now neither girl is a baby. They are three and a half and 19 months.

We know grandparents of seven month old twins who travel an hour and a half across London once a week to help the mat leave mum and they stay over. One is 80 years old and a little deaf and frail. Another grandma of a year old grandson travels once a week at five in the morning to a distant town to do a day and a stay over.

They all say it is beyond tiring but great to have the contact with the grandchildren. I am sure the sheer physical work would feel a bit like slavery if efforts were not appreciated and they were taken for granted.

Our grandchildren are encouraged to love and respect us by our DD and DSIL. The close bond we all share is worth a £million.

Just skimming through GN I get the impression that for every gran who feels “put upon” - enslaved is such an emotive term - there are at least 4 or 5 who love playing an active part in their grandchildren’s lives and close to the same name number who are sad because estrangement or geographical distance mean they feel out of touch or like “distant “grandparents.
Easy to believe the grass is greener.

It’s the expectation that is the disturbing thing. We will look after the gc for particular occasions if need be but have made it clear that we can’t be childminders. The parents have accepted this, I don’t know what they truly think about it, but they don’t ask us to childmind. The other grandparents started off with a different viewpoint and in my view, have been utterly exploited and taken advantage of now. Of course, we all have free will but it’s an emotionally loaded issue isn’t it. I just don’t know how it’s come to this where some people are being worked into the ground looking after their gc in their old age. Their adult children need to think again, it’s so sad.

Fair enough to not saying, and to how it happened.

fancythat

I dont understand why you would have no other choice?

I'm not really willing to go into the actual circumstances, but lets just say there was social work involvement.

I suppose it often begins as most abusive situations do - slowly and surely, very gradual.
Before some grandparents realise it, their grandchilds need slowly take precedence over their own.

Me neither MissA
Such entitled behaviour would get short shrift from me - grandchildren or no.

Let’s call it exactly what it is
Blackmail.

And blackmailers as we all know can keep upping the ante once they feel they have the upper hand 😮

You’d be either walking on eggshells or waiting for the second shoe to drop.

Bad choices in my opinion.

I wouldn't be dictated to, or "threatened" with estrangement by an adult child
Absolutely no way.

There again, I didn't bring my daughter up to behave as if everyone should do her bidding.

fancythat

^But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children.^

Dont understand how that works either.

Well I do obviously, but not in the childcare context.

often too they are grandparents who, as parents thought being a good parent meant giving their whole selves to their children supporting them in everything, putting their needs first, supplying everything they wanted, so that those children became like huge cuckoos devouring everything and seeing their parents love entirely in terms of them fulfilling tbeir children's every want.

That means the child got spoilt.
Clue is in the name.

I know someone who grew up like that in real life.
Her life was spoiled.
She is never happy etc.
Most people around her are not happy either.

Once that has happened, I am not sure there is any way back for anyone. I could be wrong.

But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children.

Dont understand how that works either.

I dont understand why you would have no other choice?

fancythat

^It is about grandparents, often ill and/or disabled being forced into childcare, way beyond what they can safely manage by threats of estrangement of or other by AC.

We get so many threads of this nature on GN. It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse.^

Grandparents have a choice. Not a nice one. Granted.

I would not be blackmailed by my own kids.
Not right behaviour, to be allowed or accepted.

That's unfair. Sometimes it's not a case of 'blackmail', it can be a case of simply having no other choice, as it was for us.

fancythat

It's enabling. Enabling very bad behaviour.

But often these grand parents are intimidated and scared of their adult children. often too they are grandparents who, as parents thought being a good parent meant giving their whole selves to their children supporting them in everything, putting their needs first, supplying everything they wanted, so that those children became like huge cuckoos devouring everything and seeing their parents love entirely in terms of them fulfilling tbeir children's every want.

It's enabling. Enabling very bad behaviour.

^It is about grandparents, often ill and/or disabled being forced into childcare, way beyond what they can safely manage by threats of estrangement of or other by AC.

We get so many threads of this nature on GN. It is time this problem had a name. It is in essence a form of elder abuse.^

Grandparents have a choice. Not a nice one. Granted.

I would not be blackmailed by my own kids.
Not right behaviour, to be allowed or accepted.